If I Did It

Bill:
Ah, crap, now I've got to question my own enthusiasm for the Daisuke the Destoroyah deal as Shaughnessy likes it, too.

 

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Doug:
Talk about a Judas kiss.

 

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Bill:
Of course, he wouldn't be the CHB if he didn't slandah at least one playah in any given column.

 

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Doug:
Don't you just love the irony of his accusing Manny of quitting for the year on August 21st juxtaposed with this line: "… we'd advise Matsuzaka to steer clear of the English language when he gets to the Hub. In Boston, most ballplayers are better off not knowing what is being said or written about them."

 

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Doug:
You know, not that Shank has any paht to play in that or anything.

 

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Bill:
No shit. Shaughnessy's like the O.J. of sportswriters. Alway innocent, always some othah guys calling playahs "pieces of filth."

 

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Doug:
Seriously. He ought to write a book like O.J. and call it "If I wanted to create a negative environment for ballplayers and run them out of town by writing column after vitriolic column, this is how I'd do it."

 

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Bill:
Meanwhile, as Shaughnessy and I'm sure every mealy mouthed Yankees fan you know has pointed out to you, we can no longah complain about the Yankees payroll.

 

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Doug:
Yes, yes, I've heard the reasoning: "OMFG. We've become what we hate about the Yankees blabbity blah blah."

 

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Bill:
As if payroll differences were the only thing separating the Red Sox and Yankees and by removing it we'll all sit down togethah to have tea and crumpets and discuss the infinite joys of the timeless game of baseball.

 

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Doug:
See that's just it. If all of a sudden I were transported to some bizzaro alternative world …

 

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Bill:
With hawt cylon bitches.

 

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Doug:
Different world this time, but I like the way you're thinking. Anyway, so if on this bizzaro alternative world the Red Sox are owned by a guy named George and they had a shortstop named Jetah, a 3rd baseman with bluelips and a tendency to choke, and a 1st baseman who's dick has been subsumed by his body because of steroid abuse and, meanwhile, in the bizarro Bronx, the Yankees are GM'ed by a smart, young, Jew, and the captain of their team is a feisty catcher with an ass all the girls yearn for and they have a knuckleballah with a heart of gold, you know what?

 

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Bill:
You'd still root for the bizzaro Red Sox.

 

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Doug:
Abso-effin-lutely I would. Because even in the bizarro world they'd be the Boston Red Sox and the othah guys would be the New York Yankees and I'm a Red Sox fan. End of story. Now getting back to this other cylon hawt bitch planet for a moment …

 

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Comments

[Bob]

Oh God, that was a good strip, H.B.

But regarding the Skankee fans saying we're just like them now regarding payroll, I'd like to remind them that the difference between the Red Sox and the Skanks is still more than the entire payrolls of about 20 teams (roughly 80 mil).

So I still have that. That and my dignity.

[Dave S.]

Bob, how can you say that when your fly is open, you're trailing TP from your shoe and you have a piece of spinach in your teeth?

[louclinton]

陰部の髪のボーイフレンドは疲れた行為である。 Shaugnesseyは彼が私に彼自身上のhooに非難の声をあびせてほしければ執筆道化師小説を始めるべきである。私は彼を読むことを断りh.b.からちょうど断片をであるむだ話したいと思うには私を作る十分得る。 永久にD-Mothra!

lc

[QuantumV1]

Well put, louclinton.

[harwich rich]

CHB,you have shamed us all-commit ritual seppuku immediately.

[QuantumV1]

Great strip, HB. By the way did CHB get the D-Mat nickname from the Soxaholix yesterday? Just wondering as there was no credit given in this morning's column.

[louclinton]

D-Mat was being used by the New York rags last week. So no claim of lack of attribution to h.b. is in order.

lc

[h.b.]

I can't claim credit for thinking of "D-Mat" myself. It was from one you here in the comments on Monday, I think, where I first saw it used.

[Kaz]

I've been seeing it in Rich Edes' Extra Bases notes on the boston.com pages too.

I dunno though, he really seems more of the "Big Papi" variety where the nickname is descriptive but not based on the original name.

Let's leave the D-Matting to the lesser role players, like A-Gon...and A-Rod.

[da kine]

Never mind D-Mat. I propose "Daisuke-san".

[h.b.]

I'm partial to Bill's "Daisuke the Destoroyah" moniker myself.

[Bob]

Dave, how could I have a piece of spinach in my teeth when I don't have any teeth?

[Son of Hamulack]

Is it me or is there a hand of fate operating somewhere in that the Sox play their home opener vs. Seattle?

[Bob]

Ha! Surly-but-lovable Lou Clinton wasn't kidding with his post. Do a little copy and past for a rery, rery funny comment.

http://babelfish.altavista.com/

[Natalie]

One of my favorite strips yet, hb. Nice.

Thanks for the babelfish link, Bob. lc-I particularly enjoyed the first line in translation: "The boyfriend of the hair of the genital organs is the behavior which becomes tired."

I am still scraping my jaw off the floor about OJ Simpson and this "If I Did It" book. The man has children- how does he justify "pretending" to describe the murder of their mother? Sociopath. Meanwhile, isn't he bound by the Son of Sam law (a purported ruling in his civil case)?

[Bob]

Natalie, you'd also think he's bound by the actual civil case itself. Doesn't he still owe the Goldmans and Browns millions?

[Dave S.]

That Babelfish translation reads like a Mr. Sparkle ad. It's wonderful. I am dishonorable to dirt!

So, uh Bob, I'm almost afraid to ask...what exactly is that stuff in your mouth, then?

[Billy Mahty]

Matsuzaka, enthused: "Boston is a famous team, one with great tradition and a great rivalry with the Yankees. I don't know much more about them than that. But I am eager see their ballpark."

[Jason O.]

The proper use of -san is with his last name...i.e., Matsuzaka-san.

For example, Matsuzaka-san, we regret to inform you that the Red Sox have no serious intention to actually sign you, so return to the Lions for next season.

[Bob]

Chicklets, Dave. Chicklets.

[Billy Mahty]

Kaz - not sure but it sounds like D-Mat chose that nickname himself. Either that or Boras convinced him that would be a good nickname.

[Rob in CT]

//I'm partial to Bill's "Daisuke the Destoroyah" moniker myself. //

No, Dammit! Once and for all, it's Mothra - Goh-zirra's arch-enemy. Only in this "real life", Mothra shall be the victor.

Lou, you are truly awesome. No wonder Sweet Lisa likes you best...

[Rob in CT]

Bob - I didn't know you were from Maine... :D

[Dave S.]

I think OJ does still owe them loads of dough. It would be incredible if they were paid up as a result of OJ's book sales. What would they do with that money? That'll be some of the dirtiest dough around, just astonishing. My jaw is dragging just the same as Natalie...it's almost too outrageous even to comment on.

[Billy Mahty]

I heard Chris Darden saying yesterday that OJ does owe a lot of money, and he thinks that OJ will find a way to not get a penny of the book sales to the Goldmans & Browns.

[jdog71]

lest we forget:
http://www.engrish.com/

[Bob]

Actually, Rob, my teeth were "harvested" during a hotel-room sex romp in Thailand with a 80-year-old hooker with a scalpel and a handful of roofies.

[Dave S.]

That was you, Bob?

[Cooper]

//No, Dammit! Once and for all, it's Mothra - Goh-zirra's arch-enemy. Only in this "real life", Mothra shall be the victor.//

If we're going the route of Godzilla's enemies, he's got to be King Ghidorah, the only kaiju that was a true challenge to Godzilla.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/King_Ghidorah

"Indeed, so awesome is Ghidorah's destructive power that Godzilla is often required to ally himself with another kaiju, even several kaiju, before engaging the three-headed monster in battle."

Besides, Mothrah was a girl.

[Dave S.]

...you know, you might want to check for your left kidney as well.

[miketc]

What the hell is the CHB going to do if the NYT sells the Globe? He gets 50-100 words in every single Red Sox column he writes with that ridiculous disclaimer he cuts-and-pastes in.

That's space he'll have to make up with actual WRITING.

Makes me wonder, why don't Ryan, Edes, etc. all include the disclaimer? Oh... that's right... they don't just "mail in" every single word they write.

[Bob]

Oh my God, Dave. I KNEW that Adam's apple was a giveaway.

[louclinton]

Holy crap, I reverse translated what I posted on the babelfish link. Not often I laugh harder at something I (sort of) said than at what someone else says.

In the interest of complete disclosure, I used Google translator rather than babelfish. Here is what I wrote in English. Frankly, it doesn't sing like the babelfish reverse translation.

"Pubic Haired Boyfriend is a tired act. Shaugnessey ought to start writing Harlequin Novels if he wants me to boo hoo over himself. I refuse to read him, just getting a snippet from h.b. is enough to make me want to yack. D-Mothra forever!"

As you can see, I am firmly in the D-Mothra camp.

[harwich rich]

What were the names of the two singing fairies on Monster island? Jeter and A-Rod? Badoom!

[harwich rich]

Sorry about the teeth Bob,at least she didn't use a hammer like Oldman.

[Bob]

Yeah...yeah..."she."

Has dave fooled you before, too?

[Rob in CT]

Bob / Dave S. -- You guys have GOT to stop. I'm laughing so hard over here that people (client personnel, actually) keep coming over here to find out what's going on. Youse guys are killing me...

80 year old hookers... Heh!

Mothra Rules!

[harwich rich]

yeah Bob but the jokes on "her".all she got was my appendix-and I wasn't even using it :)

[Billy Mahty]

Another individual award for Jeter:

Mariah Carey, Vanessa Minnillo, and now ... Jessica Biel? Apparently, Derek Jeter has snagged yet another high-profile beauty: the Yankee captain and "The Illusionist" star Biel were spotted at Hollywood celeb-boite Hyde Tuesday night. They were "laughing and giggling together," according to Page Six <http://www.pagesix.com> , and Jeter massaged Biel's shoulders, say Rush & Molloy <http://www.nydailynews.com/news/gossip/story/471999p-397161c.html> .
The couple left the club together, though Jeter has also been spotted in New York the past week without Jessica.

[Rob in CT]

Billy - Not only is Jetes a "5-Tool" guy, apparently he's a "Big Tool", too. Amazing what those Wonderjocks (tm) will do for you...

Bet he didn't give Jessica the deep rub that Slappy gets from him. :D

[Ryan with a capital "R"]

Jessica Biel? Really? Seriously? She's cute and all but she's only #4 on the list of Jessicas. It was SERIOUSLY mind-boggling when Esquire named her the sexiest woman alive.

[Brian]

As far as nicknames go, I'd bet everything I own that Berman insists upon referring to him as "Andrew Dice-K" ad nauseum everytime he announces a Sox game.

[NV in SD]

"Bob - I didn't know you were from Maine... :D"

Don't make me come over there, Rob... Let me assure you that I have all of my teeth, and they are glorious.

And made of wood.

Speaking of bizarro world, I ran into the one yankerfan in my office this morning and what does he say? "Heard you guys got that badass japanese pitcher- congratulations." I stood there stunned as he walked away. Then I realized he was trying to use his evil MFY mojo to jinx the whole situation.

God, I hate MFYFs.

[NV in SD]

Nickname?

I say keep it simple- Matz.

At least until one of his hometown boys comes up with one that was used in Japan (and can be easily translated to english).

[Dave S.]

Come on, now Bob. I was wearing a Wonderjock and you asked me if you'd come to the right "Bangkok". You can't pretend like my Adam's Apple - or full-length beard for that matter- didn't tip you off.

[Bob]

I think I've caught you in a lie, Dave (or should I say, Nakushima?).

Wonderjocks weren't even on the market then. And you also said you'd be my "beard" at that python-blood bar.

[Bob]

No offense to you, Nokushima, but after reading my last comment, I made myself throw up in my mouth.

[Dave S.]

Well, I suppose it was the poor man's Wonderjock after all...just the whities with a little stuffing. But can you blame your little Nakushimita for a little embellishment? And after all, you said you wanted to "seek out a little serpent" at that bar, didn't you? I know that I'll always remember that evening fondly. You had me at "$50". You had me at "$50".

[Dave S.]

Hey, if your own had you gagging, wait'll you read mine.

[Rob in CT]

STOP IT!!! Both of you! You're fucking KILLING me over here.

LOL!

Python-blood bar.. You had me at $50...

OMIGOD, for the love of all that's Japanese, please stop!

(Mothra Rules!)

[mikeya2k1]

im still on the bandwagon for daisuke but being a red sox fan its important to prepare for the down fall of this guy because deep in our hearts we all fear it. i hear the nick names for him being tossed about but if /when he does fail he want be mothra or ultraman he will be daisyduke. daisyduke ,daisuke i know its a bit of a stretch but when your half dyxlexic it kinda works. (proof read for your enjoyment by my 8 y/o son)

[Aaron]

So, what's the over/under on a Mothra contract? Word is that Bore-Ass wants three years, $60 mil, and guaranteed free agency after the deal runs out. I bet the Sox offer something like $10-12 mil per year.

It is unwise to insult the tooth count of Mainers, as we are a surly lot. Besides, as everybody knows, the truly terrifying orthodontia is to be found in Cow Hampshire.

[Dave S.]

I have a really hard time believing that the Sox would pay $51 + $60 million for a three year deal. I'd see along the lines of 5 for $75 or even 6 for $90 million as being more likely. That $51 million is alone, as put by Joe Sheehan at BP, more than the Sox have paid for both Manny and Papi over the last two years. I can't imagine them signing him for any less than five years.

[mothra_fan]

Hi all

Great site. First time commenter, long time reader. H.B always makes me laugh. Here's hope D-Mat is worth the cash!

[Bob]

H.B., it seems BigBri is frantically masturbating in his mother's basement, and he's turning Japanese, I think he's turning Japanese, I really think so.

[Bob]

Wait a minute Dave. As I remember, I had you at six dollars and a pack of Capris.

[Dave S.]

Damn that devalued Thai bhat!

[h.b.]

FYI: BigBri was sent to the corn field. (Twilight Zone reference.)

[Dave S.]

...do the last two comments indicate that BigBri has wriggled out from under a dunce cap?

In regards to Mothra, here's a link:

http://www.mlbtraderumors.com

3 years at $45 million? I guess it's called mlbtraderumors, so who knows. But wow, 3 years for $96 million total...that would be...absurd, wouldn't it?

[Bob]

That was a GOOD thing, H.B.! A very good thing...

[JimmyZ]

That was the finest hot stove strip evah!