Frequent Micturition (You'll get used to it.) (R)

Soxaholix Redux

The following is an encore presentation of the strip that was originally published on May 14, 2004.

Links to external web sites may no longer be valid.

The Red Sox are beat down by the Blue Jays and fall out of first place. The mood among some is very bitter …

Bill:
So much for first fucking place. Hope you enjoyed it.

 

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Doug:
Course not. I love being in motherfucking second place.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, nothing like the comfort of looking up and seeing those Pinstriped buttocks ahead of you.

 

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Doug:
No shit. I've grown so used to seeing Derek Jeter's round, shapely male ass in front of me, that I've grown rather fond of it.

 

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Bill:
Good fucking news: Starting Monday you can legally marry that ass. [Laughs] No more being the Yankees' bridesmaid. Now you can be the bride!

 

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Doug:
Right on! Me and Derek Jeter shall swing by the Anal Ranch, pick up the Lord (you know how much He adores all things Yankees!), and we shall have a Butt-Fuck Week End. And the Lord shall ask, "How do you like being on the bottom?" And I will respond, "Lord, I was motherfucking born into it."

 

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Bill:
Last night marked the 9th time in the last 11 games the Red Sox gave up at least a run in the first inning.

 

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Doug:
It's so easy to get to first in the first on Sox pitching they are becoming the sluts of the AL. Need a booty call? Dial up a starter.

 

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Bill:
And the pimp Francona says, "Teams have been scoring on us early a lot. Then if you make a mistake, it becomes more glaring." Jeez, Terry, you think?

 

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Doug:
The chrome dome is a motherfucking managerial genius. I fucking love the way he handles the bullpen.

 

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Bill:
So much for thinking I could get off Prozac this year. Instead, I'm going to have to increase the dosage. Bring on that frequent micturition. [Laughs]

 

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Comments

[louclinton]

Knowing How It All Turned Out makes its seem funnier.

That Prozac link never gets old. Funny, it doesn't involve four-hour erections.

lc

[Rob in CT]

Jeez, Hart! I just spent the last 5 minutes looking for micturition on the link to no avail. Ever the optimist, I soldiered through to WebMD and finally found it. Saving everyone else a lot of time, it's got to do with fainting during urination. Only think I was THAT drunk a couple times in my life (college and all...) Scary how many side effects Prozac apparently causes. Really glad I switched over to 12 yr old Scotch.

Agree with lou. Knowing how it all turned out does make this all funnier. Knowing how '05 and '06 turned out makes it somewhat sadder.

[Natalie]

Tangent alert (sorry):

Rob in CT- How kickass was Heroes last night? That may be my favorite new show of the season (sorry, FNL). You certainly called it re: the kid having powers. Although I find Matt's storyline with his wife boring; ditto Simone.

[Rob in CT]

Nat - I'm so sorry. Nothing would please me more than to discuss the latest and greatest, but I wound up working late last night (and rest of the week) and missed the show - ACK! I'm desparately trying to find someone with a tape so I can catch up. (Can't get it online at work, f-ing 'Net cops!) Worse, the hotel I'm at has a messed up connection so I have to dial up to connect. Now you've got me pulling my hair out.

[Natalie]

Ah, damn, that's the worst, Rob. Hopefully someone will YouTube it or NBC will keep its online version live for you until you return to a home connection. Recommendation: DVR, the best $10 a month EVER. I won't give away any of the juiciness, but let's just say, a few of the Heroes meet each other and it is AWESOME. Also, funny.

[IkeG]

The A's are leaving Oakland? "Fremont A's" sounds like a traveling high school glee club or something. Or are they going to be the Los Angeles A's of Fremont?

[louclinton]

Dipped my toe in Heroes last night.

Didn't get it? Is the point we are all heroes or some such thing?

Mrs. lc agrees, being more pleasant and discerning than the undersigned

lc

[louclinton]

Fremont is to Oakland as Framingham is to Billerica.

Discuss

[Mike]

Heroes is online now, if you miss an episode you can watch it online.

That said, I never watch it, but EVERYONE I KNOW DOES. What is the connection between all the supernatural-puzzle-drama shows (Lost, Jericho, Heroes, etc.) and being a Red Sox fan? I mean, my 67 year old father is fascinated by these shows and can't stop talking about them.

It's election day. We should be talking about voting. You can't vote for who bats where in the batting order, but you can vote for the self-interested bastard you like better than the other self-interested bastard. Regardless of which cabal of special interests you choose to support, or what deluded idealist issue advocate has captured your fancy, it is your civic duty to wait in a line to cast a vote just like all the other suckers out there.

Nothing will be different tomorrow, someday the sun will eat the Earth and no one will remember anything anyone ever did anyway, but the act of voting is important. It is a symbolic gesture harkening to the principles this country was founded upon, as we enter into a late-stage capitalist society where civil rights are eviscerated as a quasi-police state emerges to protect the interests of a privileged elite. Despite the relative comfort you enjoy as part of this decadent consumer culture you inhabit, take some of your time today, drag your plump body down to the polls and get your piece of the rotting carcas of Democracy.

M

[metropolitim]

Continuing the tangential Heroes talk, don't forget that Monday's episode airs Friday night at 7 PM Eastern on SciFi. One of the few upsides of corporate incest. That said, Natalie nails it: DVR is the only way to fly.

[Rob in CT]

Metro - Thanks. I was unaware of the SciFi repeat.

Mike - Thanks for the uplifting POV on our democracy in action. Um, care to offer up an improved alternative? No? Hmm, perhaps you'd best return to urine-drinking, wife-beating, cow-punching, sister-fucking, prostitute-ridden, anti-Semitic Kazakhstan with your buddy Borat. Just remember, no raping - except for humans.

Actually, that's a cheap shot at the Kazakhs. Slate had an interesting piece on the REAL Kazakhstan. It's not "quite" what Borat portrays it to be. For starters, they've learned to grow a sense of humor, apparently unlike Mike.

http://www.slate.com/id/2152789/

[IkeG]

Way off-subject, but I've got a presentation coming up and I'm getting desperate ... any of you clip-art studs and studettes know where I can find a file with an animated traffic light?

[Mike]

Rob in the CT -

wh00t! That's the best post ever on this blog! And for $8 and a trip to the local theater, I could have made it.

Next time come up with your own ideas. Seriously, not being able to come up with an original dis of me is like sitting down to take a dump and missing. I am a barn of things to criticize and all you can think of is the movies.

Something ironic about that given my original comments...

An improved alternative to the current electoral system? Clean money campaigns, strict limits on lobbists, elimination of corporate welfare programs and a return to the principle of equal air time for candidates. Make it about the issues again.

M

[mikeya2k1]

gee i was really hoping the tangent of the day would have been about 12 y/o scotch. nothing like a single malt and a redheaded women.

[Kaz]

I think h.b. is just busy mourning the loss of Polly Umrigar from the Indian cricket community.

It's a sad day...first to put up a double C-note on New Zealand (those bastards deserved it).

Talkin outta my ass,
Kaz

[Kaz]

Here you go, IkeG. Hope this reaches you in time:

http://www.notboring.com/funny/traffic.gif

Not happy that some dummy made it go red->yellow->green?

http://www.clipartpoint.com/_Thumbnail%5CAnimated%20Gifs%5CObjects%5CTraffic%20Light%5Cstop_light_w.gif

Not happy that it moves so slow?

http://fred94588.tripod.com/images/Traffic-Light.gif

Not happy with my picks?

http://images.google.com/images?svnum=10&hl=en&lr=&q=traffic+light+gif&btnG=Search

[IkeG]

Kaz, you rock, my friend. Thanks.

[Rob in CT]

Jumpin' Jeezuz, Mikey. Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the goat pen this morning! Come up with my own ideas? w00t, yourself! I'll leave the creativity to HB and other more highly-motivated posters. Apparently my attempt to divert your sour-puss comments toward a funny, if silly, current event escaped you, perhaps everyone. Oh well, so it goes.

Still, don't show up with a bunch of tired old bromides about the sorry state of democracy in America and expect not to have somebody boot you in the ass. Sorry I didn't take the time to sit down and outline my thoughts on the topic, but lack of time and lack of patience with supercilious arguments for the demise of democracy, end game capitalism, and police states trumped your need to vacate your bowels about the end of the American Empire. Apparently you really bought into the whole corporation as less-than-benign ruler philosophy espoused in "Rollerball", the James Caan version, not the stupid remake of a couple years ago. (Oops, I made another movie reference.)

Are there problems? Of course. They can seem overwhelming. But I'm not prepared to call the game on account of rain quite yet. I feel sad for you that you've such a pessimistic view. And the invitation stands (albeit buried in my original post): Show us a better way. I'll be glad to listen. Meaningful election reform that eliminates soft money, restrictions (elimination!) of lobbyists are great notions. Do you think they'd be wasted on the electorate? What about MEANINGFUL civic education? Gotta start with the voters or indeed we will get the government we deserve.

Sorry you find yourself so bummed out by it all. Take a Prozac and lay down for a while. Just watch out for that frequent micturition when you wake up.

[jen in HI]

Voting is cool. I love voting. Mike, you should spread a love of voting and actually make a difference in your community.

Rob, yer crackin me up...Rollerball. Heh.

[Mike]

Rob -

H.L. Menken covered political conventions for the Baltimore Sun and had one of the best perspectives on politics ever. He wrapped up just about every piece saying he is thoroughly convinced each convention 'represents the end of the Republic.'

Today is a crazy day for me, and it's probably easy to misunderstand where I am coming from. I am a political consultant. I organized GOTV efforts in 5 congressional races and registered over 348,000 new voters this year. My comments are trench humor, don't mistake them for being 'bummed out'. I am more Chomskied than bummed.

And glad to see the early returns, my guys are winning!

M

[Rob in CT]

Mike - pretty clear I (mis)read your "trench humor" as cynicism. Good on ya' for doing your part. I did mine, too. As they say (and do) in Chicago, "Vote early, vote often." I'll admit to being pretty happy with the outcomes as well.

Now let's get back to Lostaholix. I'm waiting for Jen's walk on part in the season finale.