Hey now, don't that make you feel a whole lot better?

Doug:
You know what's one  of the greatest things about being us? If the Red Sox entah the realm of crapitude, as they did this past season, we only need wait for the Pats to pick us right back up.

 

---

Bill:
Seriously, aftah that performance last night I'm happiah than Randy Johnson withholding a child support check.

 

---

Doug:
Are you kidding me? I'm happiah than Cahl Monday on library duty.

 

---

Bill:
That 6 pass, 94-yadd drive to staht the game was the best thing I've seen since the days of the Bloody Sock.

 

---

Doug:
Watching Brady move the ball like that is like watching porn. You know it's going to end with a money shot in the endzone, but you're mesmerized by the rhythmic, all business action like you're seeing it for the first time in your life.

 

---

Bill:
What an offensive explosion. 430 yahds and 25 first downs. Mercy.

 

---

Doug:
Benjamin Watson, Reche Caldwell, Doug Gabriel, Laurence Maroney, Troy Brown, Corey Dillon, David Thomas, Chad Jackson, Jabner Gaffney and Faulk.

 

---

Bill:
They're here. They're austere. Get used to it.

 

---

Doug:
Bring on the slit eyed hillbilly with the ginormous helmet.

 

---

Maybe they should just let people vote on who deserves to win a ballgame?

Bill:
So Cafardo writes, "If Theo Epstein or Brian Cashman tried to parade a rostah like the Cardinals' onto the field in Boston or New York, they'd probably be run out of town."

 

---

Mike:
Well, considering the World Series ratings, I've got a feeling it's more than just Boston and New York fans who dig rostahs made up of players whom, you know, you've actually heard of.

 

---

Bill:
Lowest rated World Series evah.

 

---

Mike:
Yeah, more people watched Dancing with D-List Stars.

 

---

Bill:
Baseball's lucky it's on Fox, because that eliminates any chance it'd evah have to go up against American Idol.

 

---

Mike:
Seriously, because let's face it, America's "National Pastime" is watching talent shows on TV.

 

---

Bill:
Speaking of people you've never heard of getting into the spotlight, who the frig is Tony Romo? Did you see that last night?

 

---

Mike:
Poor Drew Bledsoe. Once again he's benched, and once again his aftahthought replacement comes out and plays like the second coming of Johnny Unitas.

 

---

Bill:
You gotta figya Bledsoe must have done something heinous in a previous life, because kahma is pimp slapping the shit out of him in this one.

 

---

And the less attractive could be Klingons or Ferengi

Oh, but before we get started, by all means let's pause for a nanosecond to honor Derek Jeter for his great individual achievement in winning the 2006 Hank Aaron Award. It's an honor just to be permitted to acknowledge the honor.

Doug:
Argh, this day is not stahting out too good at all … I got out of bed this morning and I was stumbling around, tripping ovah myself, my mind all fuzzy and muted and I was all 'WTF! I've been possessed by Drew Bledsoe.'

 

---

Mike:
Scary. But here's something besides a dose of Tom Brady to shake the stuck in the pocket Drews away … Your rant the other day about ChipSix on BSG got me to thinking.

 

---

Doug:
Uh-huh …

 

---

Mike:
Look we know that the sci-fi audience is like 95% male. And we can presume from anecdotal evidence that one of the draws to sci-fi for guys is the babalicious factor. Whether it's ChipSix, Inara from Firefly, the nympho Yeoman Rand from STOS, every dude has his fave sci-fi fantasy chick or two.

 

---

Doug:
Or a couple dozen.

 

---

Mike:
Exactly! So why the frig hasn't anyone capitalized on this obvious mahket demand by creating a sci-fi themed strip club?

 

---

Doug:
Dude!

 

---

Mike:
But wait I'm just getting stahted. Not just any run of the mill pole joint reeking of cheap perfume and urinal cakes, no, I'm talking a first-class place, say in Vegas, and you hiah on real pros, women who not only have been to strippah school but also are wannabe screen stahlets with a modicum of talent, you see?

 

---

Doug:
[makes communicator sound] My frequencies are open.

 

---

Mike:
So you audition the prospective talent by asking them to pick a charactah from the pantheon of sci-fi booty and become that persona on stage.

 

---

Doug:
Oh My Frickin Lords of Kobol!

 

---

Mike:
Yeah, so picture it, here comes, say, Deanna Troi in her funky accent, "I'm sensing you're very attracted to me and desire a lap dance on the observation deck."

 

---

Doug:
How much!?!?!

 

---

Mike:
"400 quatloos to get on the newcomah!"

 

---

Doug:
Build it and we will come.

 

---

Lostaholix (Every Man for Himself episode)

Bill:
I'm repeating myself but each week of Season 3 of Lost more and more resembles the second half of season '06 for the Red Sox …

 

---

Bill:
I mean the story is going nowhere, there's no sense of momentum, the plot is full of holes and yet, and yet, I continue to watch for reasons unknown.

 

---

Tara:
Yeah, well, at least with the '06 Red Sox you knew it'd be over at game 162, unlike Lost where there is no end in sight.

 

---

Bill:
I remembah how when I first read they were going to split this season in two and only do 6 episodes in the first paht, I was all "6 episodes? Man, I'm going to be jonesing for more."

 

---

Bill:
Now, howevah, it feels as if I've already watched 60 episodes so fah.

 

---

Tara:
Absolutely. And of those 60 hours 40 were commercials. I think I tore my rotator cuff last night from repeatedly reaching for the remote to fast-forward thru the ads.

 

---

Bill:
So let me get this straight: The Othahs have a frickin submarine?

 

---

Tara:
Yeah, I heard the reference to the sub and I was like, what the hell, are the Others on Steinbrenner's payroll or what?

 

---

Bill:
So the Othahs have subs, have aquariums, have fully-equipped surgery facilities, have close-circuit TV's and cameras, but, alas, they are totally impotent and infertile when it comes to making babies.

 

---

Tara:
When you put it that way, it really does seem like the Others are the Yankees of desert island dwellers — A bunch of high dollar resources lavished on aging thugs who really believe they are on some higher plane of existence yet, in the end, just can't produce.

 

---

Bill:
Othahs Su-uck. Clap. Clap Clap-clap-clap. Othahs Su-uck.

 

---

What's on your mind?

Bill:
So this latest Kinsey report concludes that sex is always on men's minds.

 

---

Bill:
However, as Soxaholix, we by nature always have the Red Sox on our minds. Does this mean we think about sex less?

 

---

Doug:
Hahdly. The conclusion to draw is that Red Sox fans just have a much lahgah brain capacity than your average person.

 

---

Doug:
For instance, right now I'm concurrently considering Daisuke Matsuzaka as a potential Red Sox tahget and I'm fantasizing about Megan the Vegan from HR.

 

---

Bill:
So regarding Matsuzaka, what's your take?

 

---

Doug:
Personally, I don't think the Red Sox will open the purse strings to sign him.

 

---

Bill:
Regarding Megan, is she in her skivvies in ol' man Scrivener's office?

 

---

Doug:
Wicked pissa.

 

---

Bill:
Boom chicka waa waaa …

 

---

Feeling Inspired

Lisa the Temp:
As a temporary worker, one of the things I like to do for a company as a way of demonstrating what a valuable asset I'd be as a full-time regular employee is design corporate motivational posters during my down time between tasks.

 

---

Lisa the Temp:
Well, Lisa likes to keep it reals. I mean, c'mon people, how many crappy pictures of tigers and seagulls and golf courses can a person take?

 

---

Lisa the Temp:
See what I mean? See this is the kind of motivation I'm talking about, people.

 

---

Lisa the Temp:
Because, really, if you don't have determination, if you don't believe in yourself, then who? who? (not me) is going to believe in you?

 

---

Lisa the Temp:
Yeah, that's right. And now that you're feeling so inspired, you know, feeling like a midget packing sequoia wood, I've got a little task for you.

 

---

Lisa the Temp:
Hey, you wanna hang with Lisa the Temp, you need to pay the price.

 

---

Lisa the Temp:
So hustle your sorry goofing off while at work asses over to Duffy's Cliff and submit at least one term to the Soxicon.

 

---

Lisa the Temp:
I know you can do it.

 

---

Sing on, sing on...

Two guys walking, tall guy speaks:
Well, if we needed any more evidence that it isn't 2004 anymore, the news of Nelson's passing should do it.

 

---

Two guys walking, short guy speaks:
Who?

 

---

Two guys walking, tall guy speaks:
Nelson de la Rosa. The little guy, smallest actor in history, Pedro's buddy, human good luck charm for the 2004 playoff run …

 

---

Two guys walking, short guy speaks:
Oh, that Nelson. Well, that sucks.

 

---

Two guys walking, tall guy speaks:
Yep.

 

---

Two guys walking, no words exchanged:

 

---

Two guys walking, short guy speaks:
In the swamp in secluded recesses, a shy and hidden bird is warbling a song.

 

---

Two guys walking, tall guy speaks:
Victorious song, death's outlet song, yet varying ever-altering song, as low and wailing, yet clear the notes, rising and falling, flooding the night, Sadly sinking and fainting, as warning and warning, and yet again bursting with joy …

 

---

At the sound of the falling tree, it's 9:30

Doug:
OK, so if one more person in this office asks me whom I'm rooting for in the World Series I'm going go all Voldemort on their asses.

 

---

Doug:
I mean how many times do I have to say it? I root for the Boston Red Sox, mmm-kay? For me the othah teams exist solely as foils for the home townies.

 

---

Bill:
Yeah, well, what if that hot vegan chick in HR asks you?

 

---

Doug:
Well, alright, you got me. If Megan the Vegan from the Human Hawt Resources Department asks me I'm going to say, "Until baseball playahs staht using pleathah gloves instead of being duplicitous in the senseless murdah of innocents for their hides, I spit in the general direction of all things baseball … Hey, wanna go grab a soy latte and a gluten free muffin and talk about PETA?"

 

---

Bill:
'Atta boy.

 

---

Bill:
So I'm checking out the Boston Globe sports online this morning and this is the front page teasah line to Bob Ryan's latest: "Never before in baseball history has a pennant been decided by anyone named Yadier."

 

---

Bill:
Ooh, I hope I don't sprain my mouse clicky fingah as I rush to go read the entire column because I'm so enticed by the teasah. Not.

 

---

Doug:
Hey, now, cut the Globe some slack, they're going through some tough times: "The [revenue] declines are unprecedented at the Globe … the Sunday circulation has fallen 25% to about 600,000 from 811,000, while the industry's Sunday circulation has fallen 12% during the same time period."

 

---

Bill:
Wait a second, are you telling me that more and more people are unwilling to pay to get ink stained fingers and get verbally pissed on by guys like Dan Shaughnessy?

 

---

Doug:
Ain't the free market a bitch?

 

---

Bill:
So if a tree falls in the forest and gets turned into the Boston Globe which nobody reads, does it, the tree, make a sound?

 

---

Lostaholix (Further Instructions episode)

Bill:
So who and the frig are the new dude and new chick on Lostaway Beach?

 

---

Tara:
Yeah, don't you hate it when fictional serializations bring in new characters without any exposition and background whatsoever?

 

---

Bill:
Meanwhile, I'm still trying to get my head around an implosion that 1) caused the hatch to blow upward and outward 2) sent Mr. Eko to clan of the cave bear and 3) blew off all of Desmond's clothes.

 

---

Tara:
And why would the ground be all cauterized like that? Unless, of course, it wasn't caused by Desmond pushing the so-called "fail safe" button but by a Daisy Cutter dropped by the ultra-secret shadow military.

 

---

Bill:
Yeah, and isn't it curious that there just happened to be no Jews in the hatch when it was "disappeared"?

 

---

Tara:
The Zionists were totally tipped off by Mossad.

 

---

Bill:
The whole thing is part a massive disinformation campaign by Haliburton.

 

---

Tara:
Absolutely. I mean look at the polar bear. Everyone is wondering "How did a polar bear get to the tropics?" But wake up, Sheeple. That's what the Rumsfeld/Cheney oil hegemony cabal want you to think.

 

---

Bill:
Seriously, instead the Sheeple should be seeking out the inconvenient truth and asking "How did the tropics get to the polar bear?"

 

---

Tara:
Two words, Sheeple: arctic drilling.

 

---

Living in a material world [material]

Sometimes your humble author (and by humble I mean, of course, an egotistical twat who truly believes that you, dear readers, really give a shit one way or the other) just needs a day off …

Lisa the Temp:
No Soxaholix today. Where are they? Well, rumor has it they went to Zambia to grab a couple kids.

 

---

Lisa the Temp:
Really, everybody's doing it. Adopting an African orphan is this year's Ugh boot.

 

---

Lisa the Temp:
And, no, I'm not taking off this jacket.

 

---

A case of the fug

Mike:
So the Sox hired a new pitching coach … You worried at all about his lack of big league coaching experience? I mean he's more of a front office kind of guy.

 

---

Doug:
Fercrissakes it's only Octobah. I'll let you and your little buddies at SoSH seagull that broken clam, I've got more important shit to contemplate.

 

---

Mike:
You mean like North Korea and the nukes?

 

---

Doug:
Nuke shmoock. I'm talking about how ChipSix has gone from the being the sexiest woman in all of made-for-TV scifi evah to being at times downright scary in season 3.

 

---

Mike:
Isn't she supposed to be scary? She's a Cylon, right?

 

---

Doug:
I don't mean scary as in "Whoo, this cybernetic slut will crack my nuts with her ass muscles!" I mean scary as in she's caught a wicked case of the fug. Which, being that she is Cylon, shouldn't be happening. It's ruining the entire story arc fantasy for me.

 

---

Mike:
But didn't I read that Six had got consciousness or something? Maybe with that comes human mortality?

 

---

Doug:
Whatevah. If I wanted to sita and watch a bitch ravaged by time, I'd go to a Madonna concert, OK?

 

---

Habla blah blah

Steve:
So if Fox fired Steve Lyons for "habla'ing" something stupid, will they please also fire Tim McCarver for, you know, being the embodiment of stupid?

 

---

Mike:
Guess they'd had enough of Psycho and were just waiting for him to say something objectionable no matter how much of a stretch.

 

---

Steve:
I'm not even sure exactly what was the so-called offensive part. The "butchering" of Spanish or his suggesting that Piniella took his wallet and since Piniella is Hispanic (who the frig knew?) and that, in the logic of the politically correct universe, implies Lyons was saying all Hispanics are thieves?

 

---

Mike:
And if you're going to fiah Lyons, why not Piniella as well for using the "like finding a wallet" metaphor in the first place?

 

---

Steve:
Meanwhile, how many more postseason series losses by the A's do we have to endure before they finally stop using the adjective "successful" to describe Beane and Oakland?

 

---

Mike:
Yeah, I mean it's great and all that they play Moneyball and make the playoffs every year blah blah blah fishbiscuit, but c'mon, it's time to raise the bah a bit.

 

---

Steve:
They love that crap over in Oakland, though. It's what they've "come to know and love over the past eight years."

 

---

Mike:
I love it when Beane apologists point to the Red Sox demise in '06 as evidence that they've somehow plugged in to the baseball Rosetta Stone as, last time I checked but I could be mistaken, the Red Sox have actually won a pennant in the past 8 years.

 

---

Steve:
Well, you know, winning is way the fuck overrated when compared to "evolution as status quo."

 

---

Mike:
I don't even know what the frig that means.

 

---

Steve:
Me either. All I know is if Nature evolved as slowly as the A's, we'd still be dragging our knuckles when we walk.

 

---

BFFL version 2.0

Doug:
Bill Buckner so needs to buy this guy a pint of bittah.

 

---

Mike:
At least Buckner had the excuse that his ankle were held together by duck tape and bondo.

 

---

Doug:
So am I the only one who finds this Bill Belichick and Tony LaRussa friendship, I dunno, odd?

 

---

Mike:
I'm imagining their first meeting …

 

---

BB: I just want to say that I think you're a genius.

TL: No way. You're the genius.

BB: Nuh-uh, you're the genius. I mean, c'mon, George Will featured half a baseball strategy book about you.

TL: Yeah, but, David Halberstam wrote an entire book about you.

BB: Oh, you. Don't make me blush.

TL: Hey, wanna go watch game film!

BB: High-five, coach.

TL: You da man.

BB: No you da man.

TL: Oh, you.

---

BFFL

Doug:
So did you hear what Jetah is getting A-Rod for Christmas?

 

---

Bill:
Ah, no, what?

 

---

Doug:
Flying lessons.

 

---

Bill:
Dude, you're so going to hell.

 

---

Lostaholix (The Glass Ballerina episode)

So where did you first encounter the Lost and Red Sox connection? Yeah, that's right, people, H.B.'s rocking the hatch mic …

Bill:
Jesus H. Bearded Prophet, who the hell knew The Othahs were Soxaholix?

 

---

Tara:
I just hope Benry Gale Linus got expressed written consent from the commissioner of Major League Baseball before replaying the Foulke to Minky snippet for Jack.

 

---

Bill:
Are you kidding me? Benry is hahdcore. He's got the World Series box set and the NESN Faith Rewarded. Dude dialed up Amazon as soon as he escaped from the Swan hatch.

 

---

Tara:
So does this mean The Others really are the "good guys" as they've been saying?

 

---

Bill:
Well, all I know is Kate, despite looking totally raunchified in that chain gang dress, is a Skankees fan.

 

---

Tara:
Get out!

 

---

Bill:
Look, you know how when Sawyer went all fists of fury and Kate just stood there? Didn't that seem odd for her charactah?

 

---

Tara:
Totally. I we've seen the bitch go all Lara Croft on those dudes in the bank and she pimp slapped a federal marshall to boot.

 

---

Bill:
Absolutely. Well, the way I see, after Benry fed her those strawberries on the beach, he took her back to his crib and made her watch the entire '04 playoff run simultaneously on his bitchin' multi-monitor setup.

 

---

Bill:
So now Kate is like every other mofo Yankees fan was that November: in a state of shock and awe.

 

---

Tara:
Now I know why I didn't trust freckle face from the start. I bet she's got a pink Yankees cap in her luggage.

 

---

Bill:
Meanwhile, I guess we now know why in two wars we never once heard any mention of the Iraqi navy.

 

---

Tara:
Yeah, dessert dwellers and boats are just not a good mix.

 

---

Bill:
Leaving that boat unprotected and losing it was one of the lamest Lostaway actions yet.

 

---

Tara:
Memo to Sayid: boats are about as hard to come by as starting pitching. You can never have too much of either.

 

---

Bill:
Yeah, just like Theo, he's going to have to learn that lesson the hahd way.

 

---

Tara:
Yeah, and just like the '06 Red Sox, all the Lostaways hopes rest on the shoulders of a big black man swinging his righteous Jesus stick.

 

---

Bill:
And we know how that turned out.

 

---

The KKK took my trans fat away

Doug:
Hey, look, I want to move on from talking about the Yankees, too, but, c'mon this shit is just too good to pass up …

 

---

Doug:
Now we learn the Yankees were founded by a crooked cop and their logo is stolen.

 

---

Mike:
Yeah, and I'm still trying to figure out which of these wins the biggest lie award: Cashman saying A-Rod is a crucial piece of the Yankees future or Paris and Nicole best friends for life again just in time for Simple Life umpteen?

 

---

Doug:
I love this Torre quote on A-Rod: "He is a human being and there's a lot of times that he's not perceived that way."

 

---

Doug:
Jeez, Joe, the guy is booed because he's paid millions of dollahs for a job he seems incable of doing. He's not the fucking Elephant Man.

 

---

Mike:
Remembah when the Yankees were famous for their swaggah and bravado? Now their famous for being sensitive, feeling, metrosexuals.

 

---

Doug:
We've been saying it for years. The entire City of New York has gone soft.

 

---

Doug:
Think about it. CBGB's is closing, fucking shutting its goddamn doors and what are New Yorkers worried about? Trans fats.

 

---

Doug:
You think Tom Verlaine cared about trans fats? You think The Ramones cared about trans fats?

 

---

Mike:
Yeah, and you think Mickey Mantle had a personal shrink on speed dial for 24/7 "Mommy, why do they hate me?" consultation?

 

---

Doug:
Ah, well, so much for "Take a Walk on the Wild Side." Now it's all "Take a Walk With Your Pilates Mat While Sipping on a Soy Latte."

 

---

Mike:
And the vegan girls go "doo do doo do doo do do doo."

 

---

Doug:
Speaking of meatless, the Yankees future number one stahtah pissed himself again with the game on the line.

 

---

Mike:
Yeah, Zito's going to fit right in with that crowd.

 

---

Ozymandias

Susan/Circle:
You know, I'm so sick of Google.

 

---

Mike:
Yeah, this is the beginning of the end of finding cool shit on YouTube. It's going to be sanitized and corporatized.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
These days, every time I use Google a feel a bit slimy, like I'm rooting for the Yankees or something.

 

---

Mike:
Yeah, but haven't your heard, there's a certain "nobility" in being a greedy, ubiquitous, corporate behemoth.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
Get the fuck out.

 

---

Mike:
Really, check out this dude's waxing poetic about being a Yanker.

 

---

Mike:
"The Yankees and their fans are never eliminated as an afterthought. They are always taken down in a public execution. They are led to the gallows to the raucous cheers of the gathered crowds. They are read the charges of high crimes and misdemeanors against them, and they are always the same. Their misdemeanor? Gluttony. Their high crime? Nobility. And then they are very publicly hanged while the throngs roar with approval. The masses will not be denied their opportunity to watch the mighty fall. And that’s okay. It’s part of what we Yankee fans sign up for. Some of us make a choice. Some of us are born into it. But all of us wouldn’t trade it for the world."

 

---

Susan/Circle:
Hmmm, while the premise suggests it's author is totally delusional, probably as the result of great grief I'd imagine, I must admit that's the some fine ass writing.

 

---

Mike:
You know, is it me, or are Yankees fans starting to sound more like Red Sox fans?

 

---

Susan/Circle:
Ewwww.

 

---

Whithah Mystique? Withah Aura?

Doug:
I love this Damon soundbite going into Saddadee's must-win game for the Yankees, "We have to remember who we are and what we are about as a team."

 

---

Bill:
Yep, and did the Yankees evah come out and show exactly what they're are about as a team and have been about for years now: The shiznit choke jobbahs.

 

---

Doug:
Wait, wait, there's more. After being eliminated Damon says, "We still are the best team. The best team doesn't always win"

 

---

Bill:
Ah, the tales told by idiots.

 

---

Doug:
Yeah, sorry, Johnny, the so-called best teams do not go 20 consecutive innings without scoring in the playoffs.

 

---

Bill:
And puh-leeze, puh-leeze, puh-leeze King George, hire Lou Piniella as skippah to replace Torre.

 

---

Doug:
Absolutely. The Yankees are already wound up tightah than Kim Jong Il so, I got it, let's bring in the bat shitiest of all the bat shit managahs to, you know, chill things the fuck out.

 

---

Bill:
Meanwhile, memo to Theo: Just because the Yankees crapped in their pinstripes again doesn't mean you're off the hook for your evah growing oeuvre of managerial brainfahts, mmm-kay?

 

---

Until they think warm days will never cease

Two guys walking, short guy speaks:
I love the smell of schadenfreude in the morning.

 

---

Two guys walking, tall guy speaks:
"The Best Team Money Can Buy™"? Heh, wait until next year, bitches.

 

---

Two guys walking, short guy speaks:
The 0-fer-21^st drought continues …

 

---

Mucho Muchacho

Susan:
So when A-Rod strikes out looking, is it because he's so good looking?

 

---

Susan:
I'm just asking is all …

 

---

Mike:
Look, I've come here to praise A-Rod and not bury him. Just because he's 4 for 35 in the playoffs, is 1-for-8 in the series, does not have an RBI in his last 10 postseason games and is 5-for-40 (.125) in his last 11 postseason games is absolutely no reason to get down on the guy.

 

---

Susan:
He is a 5 fucking tool playah after all.

 

---

Mike:
Damn right he is.

 

---

Susan:
And when the Boss says of A-Rod's performance, "I didn't like him that well," he's clearly forgetting that A-Rod is a first ballot Hall o'Famah.

 

---

Mike:
If I'm a Detroit fan right now, I'm totally chewing on the tin foil because the dude is due. Know what I'm sayin'? Don't let those blue lips lull you into a sense of false complacency.

 

---

Susan:
Not just that. I feel A-Rod's ultra top secret weapon coming on …

 

---

Mike:
No, no, please don't even say it. We are not worthy …

 

---

Susan:
Yes, the infamous, the heinous, the bitching scary "Dropping the Shoulder Move®"

 

---

Mike:
When you least expect, expect.

 

---

These fish biscuits are making me thirsty

It's a new season of 'Lostaholix' Thursdays …

Bill:
So Shaughnessy leads his latest paean to New York by talking about how awesome it is that one city can host two playoff games in the same day … Hey, how's that rainout working out for you bee-atch?

 

---

Tara:
Yeah, that's what the CHB gets for messing with Carl Everett. His dinosaur hating god will smite the boyfriend's saggy, freckled ass.

 

---

Bill:
Meanwhile, back on Lost island we waited all fucking summah to learn, wait for it, that Henry Gale's real name is 'Ben.' W00T. Now that's some serious sonxabitchin secret revealing I tell you what.

 

---

Tara:
And, OK, I know you white folk all look the same, but, c'mon, I can't be the only one who gets confused between Juliet, Penny, Sarah, Libby? WTF? Blond bitches all look identical.

 

---

Bill:
Seriously, at one point I was like 'What's the Grey's Anatomy chick doing the island?'

 

---

Tara:
Yes, there was a lot of show mixing. They open with the Others at Wysteria Lane then move to Kate winning Reward on Survivor.

 

---

Bill:
I swear I can't take another Jackback.

 

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Tara:
Exactly how many Jackbacks does it take anyway to reveal that that character has exactly one dimension?

 

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Bill:
Honestly, I know clipart characters from MS Word that have more personality dimensions than Dr. Jack Shephard.

 

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Tara:
Can't wait for the next episode, of course.

 

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Bill:
Me neithah. I mean it's a lot like watching the Red Sox. Any given episode is infuriating, mind-boggling, stupid, exasperating, but, our asses are right back on the couch to watch the next one.

 

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Facing the music (and feeling it, too)

Mike:
It's not enough that we have to deal with watching the Yankees in the playoffs while we sit at home tiddling our winks. Oh, no, we also have to read how the Yankees are still feeding their momentum off the carcass of the August 5-game sweep.

 

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Susan:
Seriously, insult on top of injury. I mean things are so bad I fully expect the Red Sox to somehow get dragged into this Foley scandal.

 

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Mike:
I can see the IM's now …

 

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Mike:
Maf54 (7:25:25 PM): u wanna come by laters? ... I got booze.

Xxxxxxxxx (7:25:35 PM): lol prolly

Maf54 (7:31:51 PM): k. wear ur red sox shirt

Xxxxxxxxx (7:32:13 PM): why you wanna be on top again?

Maf54 (7:32:17 PM): who's your daddy?

 

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Susan:
Speaking of hawt guy on guy action, you check out Shaughnessy's ball wash piece on Jetah?

 

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Mike:
You know the CHB writes his columns while listening to Yankee's highlight podcasts with one of those OhMiBods plugged into his iPod, right?.

 

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Susan:
Course he does, but as much as it makes my ovaries calcify to say it, I think in this case Shaughnessy's fawning ovah Jetah is totally legit.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, Jetah is good.

 

Later, Hell froze over and Susan's ovaries calcified. …

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I got your Big Sur right here (R)

Soxaholix Redux — October 2004

The following is an encore presentation of the strip that was originally published on Oct 5, 2004.

Links to other sites may no longer be valid.

It's show time. Red Sox v Angels, ALDS Game 1, 4pm today …

Doug:
All over the Simi Valley, fuckers are setting aside their fish tacos to go look for their thundersticks.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, check this shit out: Cocksuckers have a "Yankees Suck" thunderstick. How fucking original.

 

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Doug:
What the fuck do you expect, it's the land of chinplants and tummy tucks for fuck's sake. Nothing's for real.

 

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Bill:
No, shit. Even their Rally Monkey had to get a dick enlargement implant I heard.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, check out this little monkey spankah blogging the Angels and comforting himself with how cursed the Red Sox are.

 

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Bill:
Hey Halofan, two fucking words: Donnie Moore.

 

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Doug:
Shit, dude, don't mock the dead. [Crosses himself]

 

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Bill:
Hey, I'm just fucking sayin' … that's all.

 

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Ready to rally (R)

Soxaholix Redux — October 2004

The following is an encore presentation of the strip that was originally published on Oct 1, 2004.

Links to other sites may no longer be valid.

Going through the formality of the final, meaningless, regular season series the Soxaholix are getting anxious for the playoffs to commence …

Mike:
So the Red Sox are planning a rally at Fenway on Monday the day before the playoffs start?

 

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Doug:
Great fucking idea. Gotta do something to motivate Boston fans.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, it's not like Boston fans are fucking obsessed by the Red Sox or anything.

 

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Doug:
No shit, not like we lay down and wait like an animal for a pennant or anything.

 

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Mike:
No, fucking way. But give me a rally with the Dropkick Murphys and I am fucking on board with this baseball playoff shit. Oh, yeah. Fuck I may even buy a Manny Ortez t-shirt.

 

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Doug:
Coolio. And I'll wear my Nomah shirt to the rally. He's my favorite Red Sox player. How's he fucking doing this year, anyway? Can't wait to see him at the rally. [Laughs]

 

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Mike:
Speaking of looks like the Cubbies may not make the post season. Chicago is one game behind idle Houston in the National League Wild Card race with three games to play. The Cubs will entertain the Eastern Division champion Atlanta Braves, starting Friday, while the 'Stros will play host to Colorado.

 

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Doug:
Good. I hope to fuck they lose all three. I hate the fucking Cubs.

 

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Mike:
No kidding. So many flakes talk about how cool it'd be if the Red Sox and Cubs faced off in the Serious.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, that's cool in the sense of "wouldn't it be fucking cool if an asteroid hit the earth and millions of sonszabitches caught on fire?" What the fuck?

 

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Mike:
No shit, nothing like the thought of Nomar hitting a game winning double off the Wall in the 9th inning of the 7th game to put the Cubs ahead to [imitating Bob Costas' voice] make one really appreciate the historicity of competitive sports between the two star crossed, cursed cities.

 

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Doug:
Yeah and I don't buy into that brotherhood crap between Cubs and Red Sox fans. Fuck 'em I say. I want my precious. Precious belongs to me. Precious, precious, precious!

 

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