I feel dirty, Sanchez

In a season filled with more bad news than good, you never know just what may cause an otherwise stalwart Red Sox fan to lose his or her marbles …

Bill:
In Anibel Sanchez's MLB debut he pitched 5 2/3 scoreless innings against the motherfucking Yankees.

 

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Bill:
Last night he pitched a no-hitter.

 

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Bill:
Bronson Arroyo? Cla Meredith?

 

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Bill:
Who in truth does not love the pitter-patter of The Sick on their picturesque way to an automatic Mommy?

 

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Bill:
Seriously.

 

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Bill:
It's so foreign, so breathtakingly inconsequential.

 

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Bill:
And it seems everyone is going that way.

 

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Bill:
Where's my fucking crazy pills, Doctor? Doctor?

 

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Author's Notes
The "pitter-patter of the sick" bit is from Wenderoth's Letters to Wendy's, the May 29, 1997 entry. Yes, it's nonsensical, but that's the point.

Comments

[Dave S.]

Quoth Bill to the boatman: "Take me to Cleveland, Steamer!"

[h.b.]

Dave,

Oh, you're good. Very good. :) Laughing my ass off.

[COD]

I'll admit it, I had to google cleveland steamer. Wish I hadn't now.

[Dave S.]

HB, it was your BP pitch...

Hey, next you'll have Theo lying naked on a bed of Wendy's patties, calling to astonished passer-by: "Behold the meaty bed of royalty! Behold the final Biggie!"

[h.b.]

Bob,

You're killing me today.

Behold the final Biggie. Right on.

[Kaz]

Watching last night's blow-up in the 2nd inning made me storm around like an angry dragon.

[dunster]

I was there. Beer cushioned the pain.

[Rob in CT]

Notes on my evening in Sec. 35 (just to the left of a straight line from home plate to the pitcher's rubber):

Just a beautiful evening - perfect baseball weather, no real breeze to speak of, comfortably warm. God, it was good to be alive last night.

Horrid performances all around by the Red Sox pitching staff. After the first inning, no one could find the plate unless it was to give up another deep ball.

Contreras was ON. That old guy was tossing mid-90's heat consistently, and he pulled the string on his changeup so unexpectedly that none of the Sox knew what to do. He wasn't afraid to challenge the big boys either - throwing heat past them like nothing. Really impressive.

Sitting where we did, I had a good chance to watch Coco in action. Yes, he had the only offense for the team all night, but what really impressed me was how quickly he took off after an outfield hit. It often seemed he was moving right to where the ball was hit BEFORE it even struck the bat. You don't get a flavor for how quick a good outfielder really is watching on the boob tube. I left the park with a better appreciation for Crisp.

Jim Thome is a Mensch. That home run was YUUGE! I've seen balls go that deep behind the bullpen before, but not when they were slammed that high into the air. If he'd straightened it out some it could have been completely out of the park. Just a massive hit off the Schneid's meatball.

Jermaine Dye is NOT the real deal. Yeah, he's got gaudy numbers and is being bandied about by all the talking heads for MVP, but one play in the outfield completely soured me on him. Someone (Nixon?) hit a deep fly ball to right which he ran down and caught on the run - nice play. But then, AFTER THE BALL WAS IN HIS GLOVE, he suddenly remembered that the game was being carried by ESPN HD so decides to score some "style points" by taking a head first belly slide across the outfield, proudly holding his glove up as he grass-stained his jersey. There wasn't a single person watching that catch in our section that didn't comment on the bogus grandstanding. I hope it was as obvious on the replays at home as it was for those of us watching in the stands.

No takers for the beer last night. Guess all the other Soxaholix were either home watching the game or slurping Pinot Grigio in their box seats.

Win or lose, watching the Sox play in Fenway is a magical experience.

Notes on reading the blog today:

Dirty Sanchez's and Cleveland Steamers? Yikes! That's uglier than last night's pitching performances...

Dave S., you are one clever bastard. :-)

The Wendy's hamburger patties reference had me remembering those weird, gruesome BK commercials with the girls dressed up like hamburger components falling on one another Busby Berkley-style. Do the mash-up in your head with a naked Theo on a gigantic bun with burger patties, lettuce and tomatoes falling on him from the sky. I may not sleep tonight... Ack!

btw, I hunt down and KILL the first person to make the "special sauce" reference.

[Mike]

Uh... I'm not one for talk about curses. But a lot has gone wrong this season, at a rate which rarely occurs short of a bus accident involving all the players.

The probability of all the people getting hurt who did all at the same time has to be staggering, and I do not know what to make of all this. The hand of God, the imperitive of fate, some crude cosmic mathematical convergence, call it what you will. But I blame MATH for this season, and PROBABILITY for taking a left at likely and heading down unfathomable avenue before parking it's steamroller of precision right on top of my bandwagon of faith.

This is one of the best teams in years. Watching them go down like that is like watching the leaves fall too early. The only good thing that could come of this, in my estimation, is if all the wanna bes go away.

M

[Kaz]

...and with that, Rob in CT shot himself.

[Rob in CT]

Ha! Good point, Kaz.

I just looked back at the missive I spilled all over the board today. Gad, sorry to be so wordy. I feel like Bill Simmons now, only not very humorous.

[birthofasoxfan97]

Bill James' new project: Calculate the liklihood of player's return given a particular injury/illness factored by the collective health of the rest of the roster divided by the ratio of kept farm prospects to those traded.

[Kaz]

If there is one aspect of this game that Theo and the boys own up to sucking at, then it is judging pitching prospects. I hope the biggest offseason acquisition that we get between 2006-2007 is a Baseball Ops guy who can speak up when we're trading away our best pitchers.

[Bob]

Nice no-no by Anabel, but I'm STILL not sure that guy wasn't safe at first. Hanley double-clutched his throw and made it a lot closer than it should have been.

BTW, I had my carpets cleaned yesterday by a company called Stanley Steamer. I should have locked my bedroom door.

[Rob in CT]

Bob - Your REAL name isn't Stanley, is it?

[Bob]

No, my real name is Rusty Trombone.

[mikeya2k1]

buck up little cowpoke! after all all them kids is pitching in the minor leages AAAA ball known as the national league, i'm thinkin i could pitch 500 there. case in point mr mota who was with the indians and sucked so bad they released him is doing a bang up job with the mets. when our cast offs or trade guys flourish in the american league thin maybe ill be bummin out

[lisa gray]

um, i watched the replay in slomo and byrnes was MOST definitely out

so yalls trades this year

gone - josh bard, cla meridith, ani sanchez, hanley ramirez

got - beckett, lowell, loretta

so far so bad. the only one who looks good is lowell the throwin

but since yall got only beckett for moren a year or 2 and they got those guys for 6 years, you'll hafta see if basically beckett was worth all them guys.

and i coulda told you that beckett's fb are pretty straight and if my stros had any guys who could hit, dude woulda looked worse.

and speaking of terrible trades, my stros are gonna dump brad lidge, mo ensberg, jason lane this fall for a bag of used chewing gum, phil hates all 3 of them guys, so then yall can see how terrible trades can get

[IkeG]

I had to google both "Cleveland Steamer" and "Dirty Sanchez". Wicked gross! I'm so out of touch with what you kids are doing these days...

Anibal's no-no means he'll either become a top free agent someday (see AJ Burnett) or a one-year phenom (see Mike Warren).

[Rob in CT]

Lisa - I "get" the whole Texas thing, but really, dear, try the King's English. Yawl is a word, albeit inappropriate to what you pass as a sentence. "Yall", with or without an apostrophe, is not.

You might be a Redneck if...

[Kaz]

...you think a Dirty Sanchez is just because the guy crossed the border on a dusty day.

[Ghengis Ortiz]

So now Angry Old Man Murray Chass is getting his rocks off on our Theo, probably being fed by the CHB. Dickweeds.

Lou Gorman signing Jack Claaaaaaaak and not trading for Joe Carter ranks much higher in the realm of management miscues.

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/09/08/sports/baseball/08chass.html?ref=baseball

[Dave S.]

Angry Old Man indeed...the baseball opinions of the New York Times are sadly representative of all that ails the BBWAA: all batting average, all the time. Steroids: ruinous to this great game. Pitchers today: weaklings not fit to hold Walter Johsnon's Jock, I mean, can they not pitch complete games, or what? Home runs: bad. "Small Ball", like how Ozzie had his ChiSox play last year*: good.

*the facts of the ChiSox offense last year inconveniently point to its strong reliance on the home run, as it was indeed their slugging that drove the team; said fact doesn't keep Chass et al from harping on the "throwback" leadoff hitter Podsednik.

I have a low opinion of New York sportswriters.

[Dave S.]

...so sorry, but I feel I have to pile on one more to this filth-fest...[Kaz, your angry dragon didn't fly under the radar, by the way]

You know it's some kind of sight when Dirty Sanchez buys a chili dog from the Cleveland Steamer's refreshment stand.

If anyone needs me, I'll be burning in hell.

[Redsauce]

The horror.....the horror

[browneye]

The yankees got a big ol' steamer laid on them by cleveland!!