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Beach Blanket Bingo

Well, we've officially entered the sphinctah tightening paht of the season.


Yeah, it's that time of the year when the Sox can take two straight from Oakland at Oakland yet, not unexpectedly even, lose the third game behind a journeyman castoff pitcher like Snydah and you feel your nuts start to draw up in fright.


Combine that Sox loss with the Yankees resilience and late inning heroics and you've got Maine ocean watah like shrinkage to the nethahs.


Yeah, and you can read how the Sox have the No. 2 winning percentage in baseball and their best record through 100 games since '79, yet, still, fact is you're sitting on your beach blanket with a one inchah.



I'll tell you who's got the one inchers - the G-d Damn Texas Rangers. How do they blow that game after tieing it up, then taking the lead in the late innings only to piss it away at the end? Those guys clearly need to squat to pee.

(Uh, no offense, Natalie, Tessie, Jason O., et al)

If only you could have worked in a topless girlfriend and stolen crustaceans...

But you are absolutely right. Watching Sportscenter this morning I was all uptight about the Yankees win, when really a 3-3 west coast swing is something we ought to be satisfied with.

No offense taken there, Rob. Calling men girls for particular actions has always had a place on my wheel of humor, PC police be damned. The image of the Rangers squatting to pee tickles me, but not as much as the idea of them sitting around talking about their feelings and doing each others' hair.

I'm scared to meet the surging Angels tomorrow. What's the sack shrinkage equivalent for women?

On behalf of Maine ocean water, I would like to thank the characters for giving appropriate credit for its spermatazoa-freezing capability. I still haven't summoned up the, um, balls to take my annual "dip", as it is referred to in these, uh, parts.

Let's hope Theo is dialing for Dontrelle as we speak. I am ready to say goodbye to Trot, so let's monetize the dirt dog.


I'm afraid there's no physological comparison, Natalie: even the proudest John Holmes is defenseless against the unmanning powers of frigid water. One can even feel it happening, the turtle frightened, the shrinky-dink. Using the beach lav can be a sad and strange experience.

Unless your name is Ditka :)

Women have no shrinkage issues. We smuggle raisins instead. But then again, I can't really say that my nipples get hard at the thought of the Yankees overtaking the Sox, so perhaps the analogy doesn't hold true.

Natalie - wondered exactly the same thing. Bloating, perhaps? That sure negates the power of the bikini...

Texas teams truly, truly piss me off.

I was thinking Sahara-level dryness as the libidinous equivalent of shrinkage for women, but it's not psychologically the same, as Dave S. suggests, because it ain't visible to others.

//Let's hope Theo is dialing for Dontrelle as we speak.//

Marlins GM: Hey, Theo, what's up?

Theo: I'd like to talk about Willis.

Marlins GM: Sure. How 'bout you send us Lester, Pedroia, Murphy and Ellsbury?

Theo: I was thinking more along the lines of Trot Nixon.


Better raisins than grapes, eh Hildy?

I'm still of the mindset that it's only late July, we've got two pitchers who will (hopefully) be better than any possible trade-deadline acquisition on their way back to the big club, and Mystique and Aura contracted a nasty case of herpes, were released from their services at Scores, and are now spend their time outside yankee stadium holding "Boo ARod" signs.

Just my own little happy place.

Speaking of the Maine H2O, I went surfing in Biddeford Pool when I was home six weeks ago and, 4/3 wetsuit or no, shrinkage is an inevitable fact of life (unless you're spending time in the 72 degree SD water, anyway).

Willis has two years until FA - which means the Marlins don't have to dump him. They are also only 6 games out of the wild card right now - so they might be harboring dreams of the most unlikely playoff run evah. Given that they started the season playing mostly AA guys, that really would be An Impossible Dream, for both their fans!

"both their fans" - classic

How do they blow that game after tieing it up, then taking the lead in the late innings only to piss it away at the end?

The pissing was thanks to Jeter and Giambi's heroics in the 9th (and Chacon's brilliant 8th) more than the Rangers being girly men.

Good news for both the Yanks and the Sox, in a sense: the Yanks moved into the Wild Card spot last night. That's probably the first time since week 1 that the AL East has held the Wild Card. So both teams have a much better shot at making the playoffs than it looked a month or two ago.

Frigging HGiambiH. That guy flaunts his growth hormone usage like Anna Nicole Smith flaunts her, uh, everything.

Yeah, Natalie, I sort of thought about that as well..it's the visual deception associated with shrinkage that's unique to the boys. As Hildy points out, the only major misleading physiological transformation brought on by cold for women is the pop-up "turkey's done" thermometer, but really that's the converse from men: falsely implied arousal vs. falsely suggested inadequacy.

On top of their outside shot at the Wild Card this year, the Marlins are also just one or two seasons away from being legit, and keeping Willis makes their chances that much better when their youth REALLY develops. They're in no way desperate to move him...his presence is likely a big part of their playing above their heads even now. Willis is a class guy.

//I was thinking Sahara-level dryness as the libidinous equivalent of shrinkage for women, but it's not psychologically the same, as Dave S. suggests, because it ain't visible to others. //

Delighted to know you're not offended, Nat. Chuckled at your notion that the Rangers sit in the dugout doing one another's hair/nails.

Picking nits here, but psychologicallyy speaking, I'd suggest it's the same. It's physiologically that things are, er, different.

Anyone else getting "titillated" by this thread?

//The pissing was thanks to Jeter and Giambi's heroics in the 9th (and Chacon's brilliant 8th)//

Heroics? HEROICS? HGHiambi hits a typical meatball from a typical Rangers reliever (can't pitch to save his life) and it's heroic?

And Chacon's "brilliant 8th"? The guy throws his glove in front of a screaming liner that should have taken his head off and gets a DP. That's brilliant? No, that's dumb luck.

Screaming liner? I might have to watch ESPN News at lunch to double check that highlight. My impression from this morning was that it was a soft liner at best.

So the news is reporting Landis tested positive for doping.

French conspiracy, anyone?

Speaking of doping - there's a report that Landis tested way high for testesterone after Stage 17. WTF, he'd better hope his back up sample is not out of whack, too. He does listen to Kid Rock so maybe I shouldn't be too surprised.

I like nipples in general.

Maybe the French don't realize testosterone occurs naturally in men?

"Maybe the French don't realize testosterone occurs naturally in men?"

excellent. I sometimes get paired against French people playing video games online. I never hesitate to ask them if their controller has a "surrender" button.

Nice testosterone-induced buzz-kill, Jason...

A friend passed on to me the French Terror Level Color Codes:

Green: Run
Yellow: Hide
Orange: Surrender
Red: Collaborate

As Johnny English said, "The only event the French are fit to host is an invasion." Ah, making fun of French cowardice. It's dirty, but kind of fun.

As much as we all may want to blame the French, Landis alas is in with the Anti-Doping Agency, the group which is now looking to outlaw altitude simulation tents that endurance athletes use to get their hemoglobin levels up. They strike me as being just a wee bit paranoid.

BTW, if anyone is remotely interested, the Barry Bonds' 715 home run ball is up to $130,000 on eBay. Golden Palace is currently the high bidder, natch.


Heh. "Johnny English", funny, silly movie with a few memorable moments. You hit on one of the best.

Hope all this nonsense doesn't mean we have to go back to ordering "Freedom Fries" at "Zee Gulden Arshays".

There have really been some great comments today. Totally cracking me up.

Seriously, ones that look like bullets, ones with big round areolas, I enjoy any and all in-between.

Like Winston Wolf (Keitel in Pulp F.) is "an oak man," I'm a nipple man.

Rob...you hit on one of our Senate's finer moments, one that made me, for one, proud to be an American: voting for the French-fry name change at the Congressional cafeteria. It just made me comfortable that they had our country's priorities in order, you know? Just last week, I had some Freedom Dressing on my salad. Thinking about a little Freedom Toast for breakfast on Saturday, too...from sea to SHINing Seeaaaa!!!

No, seriously Jason. Put down your copy of "Big'uns" and catch up here, would you please?

Right after 9/11, I had a boss whose last name was French, but he didn't change it to Freedom. Don't know what his problem was.

Ah, Mr. French. Buffy and Jody loved that guy.

Uncle Bill (Brian Keith) was the man.

I heard that the problem with Landis' results is that they were using Lance's levels from last year as a control. Now that the Tour winner has two balls again, the French conclusion was that he had 2x the testosterone...and therefore cheating.

They'll do anything to keep an American from legitimately winning their race.

Actually, Giambi's home run was off Antonio Otsuka. Dude's got 21 saves and a 2.30 ERA on the year, and last night was the first two runs he'd given up in over a month. Not that I want to give credit to the Yanks...but that was a legit pitcher the comeback was against. Otsuka's meatball last night and the three run job he gave up to Papi earlier this year are about the only two mistakes he's made all year.

As much as it goes against everything I believe in, I'd much rather see the Yankees make the playoffs than the Twins. I think we can take the Yankees, but the idea of facing Santana and Liriano twice each in a 5 game series is enough to cause the ol' starfish to turn itself inside out.

Maybe I'm psycho, but I'd rather the Spankees don't make the playoffs and the Sox face the Twins, even though those mofos are much hahder to face. As I've said before, whenever GiambiJuice is the difference between a Chokee's winning and losing, then it doesn't count.

"Antonio" Otsuka? Texans must call him that because they can't say Akinori. I wonder if the Shrub caught that classic Showalter chokejob on the Air Force One tube. Or perhaps from his top secret port-o-san (http://www.rense.com/general72/fexc.htm)...

Or I've somehow managed to mix him up with Antonio Osuna. Brainfart, I guess. Nice catch.

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