Welcome to the monkey house

Because anything, anything is better than wasting another pixel discussing Johnny Damon and "Boogate" …

Doug:
So if you're minding your own business riding along in a cab la dee fucking da and suddenly a chimp jumps through the window and goes, er, ape shit, what do you do?

 

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Mike:
You need a weapon, a pipe or a big stick or something.

 

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Doug:
But you're in a cab, guy. It's totally mano a mano.

 

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Mike:
Then I'd go for Bobo's nut sack.

 

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Doug:
You think the nut sack is a bettah defensive strategy than trying to gouge out his eyes?

 

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Mike:
Fuck, yeah, the eyes are too close to the simian freak's teeth. You evah see a chimp's teeth? Fucking A nasty things.

 

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Doug:
How about if you just go into a fetal position, covering up your own nuts and face and just let Lancelot Link wail away on your ass … Maybe the chimp gets bored or something and leaves you alone?

 

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Mike:
I dunno. I think that only works for bears, and even then I'm not so sure …

 

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Doug:
So how about Bruce Lee, in his prime, against a pissed off chimp. Who wins?

 

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Mike:
That's open to some debate. How about a chimp vs Steve Austin?

 

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Doug:
Are you kidding me? No man nor beast can fuck with the bionics.

 

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Comments

[Mike H]

Uh... is this strip about ARod? I mean, I could see him jumping into a cab screeching like a howler monkey and attacking the people inside.

M

[tessie]

LMAO! Sorry but I couldn't help picturing JD as the clean-shaven chimp.

[louclinton]

Uh, Ok. Chimps. cool.

[Paps for Rookie of the Year]

HB, How long have you been compiling all of these chimp links? You must have been waiting for a rain out for a while so that you could use this strip.

[h.b.]

This chimp thing is actually a recap and piece together of several actual conversations at at the real world cube farm I work in.

We've been collectively obsessed with the chimp attacks for a couple of weeks now and with the rain out last night it dawned on me that this would be a good topic for the strip.

That is not to say that I don't generally have a couple of off topic fall back strips up my sleeve to turn to as needed.

[vermonter]

What if the chimp's name is Ditka?

[h.b.]

What if the chimp's name is Ditka?

Beautiful. LOL!

[Jason O.]

Let's be honest, unless you happen to have a .38 or a .32 on you at the time, (which is not unheard of for a cab driver) you're no match for a chimp.

[h.b.]

But it's not so much about beating the chimp as it is trying to inflict as much damage on the chimp as you can before he rips your face off.

Of course, being Red Sox fans, we probably have a better understanding of not giving up no matter how much the odds are against us.

:)

[yazbread]

Worse case scenario - it is a female chimp in the throes of passion - see

http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a1_001b.html

[harwich rich]

Wow-thanks HB. I haven't thought of Lance Link in years.La la la la laaa. Ahh memories:)

[GaryGeiger]

Another proverb from my Sicilian Godfather: "When you have them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow."....'nuff said.
I'm not a fan of Wells, but props to him for telling Torre to piss off, re: Torre's indignation over Damon's reception.

[IkeG]

So does the fact that game 2 was rained out mean it was a one-game sweep? Or will the Yankees be trying to win game 1 of the 8/18 twi-nighter to avoid the May sweep?

I didn't notice any BJ and the Bear references in the chimp strip. Either way, though, the strip made me laugh. Thanks for making the rainout palatable.

[COD]

You could of mixed in the Wayne's World line "When monkeys fly out of my butt" too. That's long been a favorite line for me.

[David Pinto]

I can't believe you got Lance Link and the $6 million man into the same post! I'm not worthy!

[pdb]

Stupid misleading Courant. Here I was thinking that that Hartford, my old stomping grounds, would be overrun with angry chimps taking over cabs; then I find out that Hartford remains a wild-chimp-free zone. Feh.

Still, way cool strip today.

[Aaron]

Chuck Norris would grind that mofo chimp into hamburger.

[BosoxBob]

Steve Austin has bionics? Does Vince McMahon know about this? Doesn't seem fair to the other wrestlers...

[JimmyZ]

Aaron you stole my link. Chuck all the way. "There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live."

I loved the Bionic Man as a kid... and for some reason I had always misunderstood his name to be "Steve Boston."

[Kaz]

h.b., do your coworkers know your comic-posting alter-ego?

If not, and they read this site...I can't imagine that there are too many cube farms obsessing about chimp attacks in the past 7 days.

You almost outted yourself (or at least limited it to the close group of coworkers who will now kill each other off one-by-one to try and figure out which one is Hart Brachen!)...

I've said too much myself. You can't take my idea here! Copywrite! Hollywood, here I come!!

[pawsoxpop]

Maybe the chimp attacked because he was looking for Camels:

http://www.brudirect.com/DailyInfo/News/Archive/Oct05/051005/wn02.htm

Thanks again HB. Now that I know the Lance Link DVD is coming out in June, my kids will know what to get me for Father's Day.

[h.b.]

As it goes, the two other coworkers involved in the chimp speculation are "in the know."

[Kaz]

Friends close...enemies closer. Eh, Brachen?

I know where you can get a chimp and a taxi if it ever came to that [wink, wink, nudge, nudge]...

[vermonter]

...what if the chimp's name was Ditka, and the guy who he attacked in the cab was Ditka?

[Aaron]

What if Chuck Norris' name was Ditka?

[Aaron]

What if we spliced the genes of Chuck Norris and Ditka together? I believe the resulting offspring would fit the definition of a Nietzschean Superman.

This is fun.

[vermonter]

I find myself at the point of jumping the shark, so this is my last one...but, what if Ditka was driving the cab?

[harwich rich]

Ditka,we hardly knew ye

[Jason O.]

Who would win if God was driving the cab and Ditka jumped through the window?

[Aaron]

Who would win if God was driving the cab and Ditka jumped through the window?

The answer to that question depends on whether the person being asked is a Bears fan or not.

[Bob]

//I've said too much myself. You can't take my idea here! Copywrite!//

Do you mean "copyright"?

(Sorry, I'm a copywriter.)

[Kaz]

Actually, I'm more of a copyleft person, myself.