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Bill:
My day isn't off to a good staht …
Bill:
I not only burnt my balls in the showah this morning, I spun around to get out of the burning water and burnt my bunghole too.
Doug:
And don't look to the Red Sox for solace. I don't want to alarm you, but the Sox pitching has, er, issues.
Bill:
Everywhere an ill wind blows.
Doug:
So that so-called pitching glut that allowed the Sox to trade off Arroyo sure was short lived.
Bill:
Yeah, I've had fucking hangovahs that have lasted longah.
Bill:
Yeah, I haven't seen that much collective fantasizing since the Paris Hilton sex tapes first went online a couple years ago.
Doug:
Realistically, I think we dodged a bullet on that one. Having Clemens would be like dating a strippah. I mean is seems like a good idea, but no good can come of it.
Bill:
Yeah, besides, I want my disdain for Roger Clemens to continue unfettered through the decades.
Doug:
Seriously, if you can't depend on a never ending hatred, just what can you depend on?
Continue reading "Just what can you depend on?" »
Doug:
The worst thing about a 3-day weekend is the Tuesday aftah. Argh. I'm so not ready to begin the work week.
Doug:
Yep, another Halladay in Cambodia.
Steve:
At least it wasn't total fresh fruit for rotten vegetables escapade. I mean it wasn't so much that Halladay was unhittable as it was that Matt Clement was so absofuckinglutely hittable.
Doug:
Jesus H. Mohamed what in the fuck are we going to do with Matt $9mil a year Clement?
Steve:
Well, I'm hoping the Bradgelina or some other celebrity will adopt him as a hardship case needing a good home.
Doug:
Seriously, why should the orphan AIDs babies get all the fucking breaks?
Doug:
Yeah, because it it's true that Clement's pitching woes all stem from the psychological baggage of getting beaned in the head by a linah last year, then two weeks off will fix that up sure as shit. Jeez, Nick, don't quit your day job.
Susan/Circle:
When Beckett is on, there is no pitchah I'd rathah watch right now.
Mike:
It's so sweet to have that "can't wait for every 5th game" feeling back and counting ahead on the schedule to see whom Beckett will face.
Susan/Circle:
Yeah, we got so spoiled all those years with Pedro and then 04 with Pedro and Schilling. Last year really brought it home how it sucks not to have an ace every 5th game.
Susan/Circle:
Yeah, well, he isn't married yet, is he? You know the comely bride-to-be Miss Whitney is not a baseball fan, right?
Susan/Circle:
Well, whatevah, I wish the lovely couple the best of luck and all. Let's just hope Theo's advanced scouting on selecting a mate for breeding falls into the Orlando Cabrera and Dave Roberts category and not the Byung-Hyun Kim and Edgah Renteria category.
Susan/Circle:
What can you say, some chicks dig the checkered ball.
Mike:
I just don't get it. Soccer?
Mike:
I dunno. I just don't trust a sport in which you can't use your hands. Goes against nature or something.
Mike:
"Hey, ah, Mom, Dad, I know what you've been saying about me needing to find a job and move into my own place and all, so if you're looking for me I'll be down at the public library, er, doing some career research… back in two shakes."
Susan/Circle:
Yeah, then a couple days latah dude's all, "Hey, Ma, Dad, Guess what? I've got a job prospect lined up! Yep. Only thing is they require proficiency in one-handed typing, so I need to go to the library and practice. I may have to practice a lot, too. Like a couple times a day."
Continue reading "Beckett, Brides, and the Backstroke Roulette" »
Marty:
Hey, Callaghan, if you need a shoulder to cry on, I want you to know I'm always here for you, man.
Bill:
I can't believe you just spun the karma wheel by dissing Big Papi in May, Marty, May. You know that shit's gonna come back and haunt your ass come October.
Marty:
Karma? Haunting? Curses? Jeez, it's good to know winning a World Series hasn't changed anything for you Sawx fans. Whenever I hear you guys talk it sounds like a bunch crystal wearing wiccan hags at Goddess convention in Santa Fe.
Marty:
Look. You had a chance to put a vulnerable and weakened opponent away, but you just couldn't do it. Your Sawx just don't have the killer instinct. Never had, never will.
Bill:
Hey, Narcissa, newsflash, it isn't about you anymore. We're going to lose a few home series during the season, may even get swept on occasion. Could be by the Yankees, could be by Tampa Bay. Whatev. Dirt off the shouldah.
Marty:
You're in denial, Callaghan.
Bill:
By the way, Marts, last time I checked the Red Sox are still up 4-3 going against the Yankees and are still in first place.
Marty:
Better make the most of it while you can, Callaghan, because it won't last.
Your omniscient author in absentia:
OK, here's the skinny. A couple of weeks ago my day-job company won a prestigious and significant award for overall kicking ass in our industry, and last night we had the celebratory party …
So this morning, to put it bluntly, I have a hangover the size of Poland, and my sad, sorry ass is dragging.
I saw nothing of last night's loss to the Yankees, not even a single highlight (thankfully), and this morning the miserable light from the computer is blitzkrieging my brain like a Stuka.
And I'm so old that I make metaphors about Stukas, so you can only imagine what this boozification is doing to my not-in-my-20's-anymore body.
But, hell, you know, it could be worse.
Doug:
Well, as is often the case, Schilling proved actions speak loudah than words when dealing with his critics.
Doug:
Yeah, and Francona took the words out of my mouth in describing Ortiz's single on that 3-0 pitch that got things going in the 3rd: "That was a gorgeous swing."
Mike:
That's the thing about David Ortiz. His grace with the bat is phenomenal. His singles look every bit as perfect as his moon shots. Viva El Papi.
Mike:
When the Manny Ortez comes up to bat, everyone, no mattah where they are or what they're doing, stops to watch.
Doug:
You know, bitches like Lindsay Hohan and Parasite Hilton wish they could be as a hot as the Manny Ortez.
Mike:
Thank heavens for baseball stahs, because they just don't make celebrities like they used to.
Doug:
No kidding, even Madonna is tarnishing her legacy by dragging her fit, but still ridiculously haggy and shop worn, ass all over the stage in her Confessions of a Tired Vagina Tour.
Doug:
These days, fucking around with Christian iconography is about as edgy as buying a "Speak Truth to Power!" t-shirt at Wal-Mart.
Mike:
Seriously. If Madonna really wanted to create a stir she'd skip the cross and the crown of thorns bullshit and get up on the stage in a see-through burqa and start dry humping one of her gay dancers impersonating the Prophet Mohammed.
Doug:
Yeah, and she'd rework her song "Like a Prayer" into "Like a Beheading."
Mike:
Now that's the hizzy shit that'd get her edgy street cred back.
Doug:
You know, Madonna is so old and washed up, I'm surprised the Yankees haven't signed her to a long term contract.
Mike:
Yeah, she and Redneck Randy could sit around watching old VHS tapes of their greatest moments last Century.
Mike:
You know, every time I tell myself, OK, that's it, no more making fun of A-Rod, something like this comes along that proves irresistible.
Bill:
Imagining A-Rod as Stuart Smalley is just too funny. "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me."
Mike:
Heh. And after another 0-fer in a clutch situation: "I am a human being, not a human doing."
Bill:
So is it me or has The Rivalry hype been turned down a few notches going into tonight?
Mike:
Well, as much as I hope to take it to the Spankees and gain some ground in the standings, emotionally it's a no-win situation for Sox fans …
Mike:
I mean if we win it's all "Well, the Yankees have half their guys on the DL, so it doesn't mean anything." And if the Sox lose it's all "hah, you guys lost to the AAA Yankees team, losahs."
Mike:
Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.
Mike:
I love this line: "How the two emerging species, one walking upright while the other moved around on all-fours, managed to view each other as attractive mates - is something we will probably nevah know."
Susan:
Ah, these researchers must have missed the memo: your average horny guy will hump pretty much anything, be it human, animal, or inanimate object, if it gets the job done.
Susan:
I mean how else to you explain the "glory hole" concept?
Susan:
Hey, a girls gotta do what a girl's gotta do these days. Movin' and doin' it, you know.
Mike:
So given a choice, sex machine or on base machine, whadya take?
Mike:
Coco's OPB and base stealing prowess leading the top half and Youks in the bottom half? Shhheeat. Get up, get on up.
Susan:
Shake your money makah!
OK so no need to dwell too long on a loss … Meanwhile we haven't mentioned Lost in awhile …
Bill:
Yeah, Wakefield's in the bottom 10 for run support in the Majors (but I'll be damned if I can remember where I read that.)
Bill:
Yeah, well, it could be worse. He could be a Lostaway on Craphole Island who finds the central "Pearl" observation hatch and uncovers that his own people's hatch is wired Big Brother stylee and that they are all part of some whack job physchological experiment but then, you know, forget to tell anyone about it.
Tara:
Because, yeah, like why would that be helpful information?
Bill:
And what the frig has happened to Mr. Eko? He's all, yeah, yeah, you run along to your funeral and shit because I'm way the fuck too busy here in the hatch playing Pong on my Radio Shack TRS-80.
Tara:
At this point on Lost, I actually find myself rooting for The Others. I mean at least they have some sort of plan.
Bill:
Not to mention a leader, a chain of command, and a bunch of red shirts guarding the fuck out of their shit.
Tara:
Fires, huts, teepees … It's a regular Club Others over there compared to Laguna Del Tarp.
Bill:
Yeah, and with all that testing of Walt, they're probably the only district that is going to meet their No Child Left Behind mandate as well.
Tara:
Put me on the list already.
Mike:
Yeah, because, you know, 2004 was so disastrous and all. Heh.
Doug:
Yeah, no kidding. Paplebon 14 saves with less than 2 full months into the season and battars just .151 against him.
Mike:
I mean talk about your fucking Alluha Akbar. May peace be upon Papelbon.
Mike:
Whoa, dude, slow down here. See if I'm the nut-rippah's fight managah, there's no way I'm letting the bear into the ring with my man, er, chimp. It'd be insulting to the chimp.
Mike:
The bear's got no friggin' street cred. I mean what's Smokey done, eat a little zoo monkey? Pfawh, even A-Rod could take the pathetic zoo monkey.
Doug:
OK, Don King, so what's it gonna be? Chimp versus …?
Mike:
C'mon isn't it obvious? Who else has all a sudden gone loco on da Man? Yeah, that's it, the killah gatars.
Doug:
Killah chimp vs killah gatah. No holds barred.
Mike:
And they're both named Ditka.
Your omniscient author in absentia:
Many days the alarm goes off at 445 am, and I so want to hit the snooze and just sleep in a bit — But I resist the urge toward idleness and drag myself out of bed. This morning, however, I succumbed.
Bill:
So on Friday when I said I needed a breathah from the Red Sox v Yankees hype, I didn't mean I wanted no baseball at all.
Doug:
What an eerie, aphotic weekend with all rain and no baseball. Nevah seen anything like it.
Doug:
Well, as much as I enjoy the Rivalry, I'm glad that's ovah for now. I need to come up for air after being swamped in the 24/7 hype machine.
Bill:
You know, the only thing preventing the Rivalry from jumping the shahk already is how good the games are. I mean you have your occasional lopsided ones, but last night's grudge match is more typical of the Yankees v Red Sox meetings.
Bill:
So is it gloating to point out that Johnny Damon has gone 1-16 thus far facing the Sox?
Doug:
Nope, because that's just a simple fact not an opinion.
Bill:
Tough break for Matsui. Even though he's a Yankee, I really respect the guy …
Doug:
Do you? Do you really? Pffwaah …
Bill:
What? Hate the uniform not the player. Matsui just quietly goes out and gets the job done.
Doug:
Oh is that a fact. You don't think the situation that the guy doesn't speak a lick of English has something to do with that? You don't think if ninja-san could "me talk pretty one day" he'd sound just like any other Spankee blowhard?
Doug:
Personally, I hate the bastahd and really hope he has a long and happy life retiahed from baseball.
Doug:
Dude, like 99% of Yankees fans weren't pushing pins into the ankle of their Schilling voodoo dolls all last year? C'mon.
Doug:
Hmmm … let's see. It has nothing to do with pitching or baseball. Schilling doesn't want to discuss it. His teammates helped shield him from the prying questions of the media …
Bill:
Yeah, maybe he ruptured corpora cavernosa wearing those tight ass Wranglers he fancies for any and all occassions.
Doug:
We tease because we love.
Doug:
Live by the Tito, die by the Tito.
Susan:
Well isn't that sweet, the lil' A-Rod that could goes from goat to game winnah.
Susan:
Heh, now I finally get the whole white gloves thing.
Mike:
Absolutely, you don't get to call yourself a 5-toolah and the greatest playah in the game if you're not prepared. White gloves. Check. Lipstick. Check. Purse. Check. ¡Watchalo, bitches, A-Rod's in the house!
Susan:
So I guess with this win Yankees fans can regain their "mystique" and make it through the day without loosing their collective shit and pissing their pants all over the internets like what went down yestahday?
Mike:
Seriously, I feel like such a mark for falling for that whole Yankees fan pride and class thing all these years. What a sham.
Susan:
Yeah, who knew the whole facade was predicated entirely on winning and narcissism.
Bill:
Heh. You know in the old days before we were taken to the mountain top finding the Sox in an 0-2 hole in the first behind a seemingly shaky starting pitcher I'd have been totally Don Knotts in The Ghost and Mr. Chicken …
Bill:
But last night I was all Sam Jackson in Pulp Fiction, a totally cool, calm, collected bad ass motherfucker.
Mike:
Everything has changed, guy. Last night the Yankees looked old, tentative, and rattled, while the Red Sox seemed totally in control from staht to finish.
Bill:
You know if it were possible for me to feel any compassion for a Yankee, which it most certainly is not, I might feel badly for E-Rod. On top of his history of struggling and ball slapping against the Red Sox, he commits two errors on an 0-fer night and gets called out in public by his nut job boss.
Mike:
Yeah, whenever the crazy old bastard starts referring to you by your position and not by name, you know you're on his double-super shit list.
Bill:
After Steinbrennah's eruption, you can bet a more energized Yankees club will show up tonight.
Mike:
And with Schilling on the mound you can bet you'll hear some noise.
Bill:
Meh. The Yankees fans can boo and hiss all they want for in the end they are quiet and meaningless.
Mike:
As wind in dry grass.
Bill:
Or rats' feet over broken glass is their dry cellar.
Continue reading "More distant and more solemn than a fading star" »
Because to know light one must also know darkness …
Unknown Yankees fan:
I hope Red Sox fans enjoyed their momentary flirtation with first place in the AL East, because after tonight's Yankees win they'll be chasing us for the remainder of the season.
Marty:
It's pure luck they've hung around first this long. The numbers don't lie. Yankees 183 runs. Red Sux 162. And runs allowed, The Greatest Franchise in all of sports 118. The Red Sux 150.
Unknown Yankees fan:
And just because the so-called experts at ESPN and Sports Illustrated want to peddle crap about how the Yankees rotation is weaker than the Red Sox doesn't make it true. Pick your metric, ERA, WHIP, slugging against, HR and walks allowed … doesn't matter, it's all Yankees, Yankees, Yankees.
Marty:
Against the good clubs like the Blue Jays and the Indians, the Red Sox have been truly embarrassing.
Unknown Yankees fan:
I'm thinking the Bombers take 2-3 easy and most likely sweep.
Marty:
Prediction: Beckett's gone by the 3rd and he and Curt spend the rest of the game crying in the dugout.
Unknown Yankees fan:
Isn't Beckett the perfect Red Sock? I mean he's a mirror of the fans: boorish, full of rage, and dumbly certain that one World Series win begets bragging rights.
Marty:
Can't wait to see Johnny Damon take him deep.
Unknown Yankees fan:
Clap Clap ClapClapClap!
Doug:
Heh. With that freak Cruise, it's no surprise. But what do you think is behind Papi's early season demise?
Bill:
I blame that stupid World Baseball Classic. Took him out of his rythym …
Doug:
I think this 4-24 homestand is all just a cosmic set up for Ortiz to go totally bat shit in the Bronx.
Bill:
You know that's what's so cool about Big Papi. I mean when I guy like Lorreta goes cold, I find myself wondering, well, maybe this is it, maybe this is the start of his long slide into oblivion.
Bill:
But Ortiz goes into a slump and it all just seems like a little calm before the storm.
Doug:
"Maybe someone will walk in the room. Maybe he has an exam the next morning and in truth would rather be studying but can't admit it because he's a guy and guys are supposed to want sex all the time, right? Maybe he worries that if he doesn't do it now with her, he'll never get another chance and she'll be infuriated."
Bill:
Whaa waa waa. Maybe crybaby boyo needs a good slap up side the head?
Mike:
OK. What I'm about to say may mean I need to requalify for my Masshole certification, but I just want to tip my cap to Joe Torre for his 1000th win with the Yankees.
Tara:
Whew, after Clement finally vanquished his Blue Jay demons, it'd have been horrific to lose Papelbon to some freak injury.
Bill:
Yeah, but there's no word what happens if history repeats and Wells gets hammahd like a Kennedy in said AAA start.
Steve:
Sorta like being hungry side the road but only having a turnip in your coat pocket.
Steve:
Well, neither did the sudden trade of Bard, so who knows …
Mike:
Back to Gammons statement on EEI, he thinks the Damon booing was a historic injustice, but booing Pedro or Clemens has merit?
Steve:
You know, I totally agree with Gammo that yelling obscenities in front of children doesn't have a place in any ballpark in any situation, but one thing I think Gammons and everyone else is missing as they attempt intellectualize the debate by trying to apply logic to why people boo or when it's "deserved" or not is this: Booing is fun.
Mike:
Absolutely. It's not only every bit as fun as cheering and the natural yin to balance the fan yang, booing is also democratic.
Steve:
Yeah, Gammons and Torre and the rest doing all that hand wringing over Damon's reception in the Fens is very similar to when the chattering classes get all pissy when people go out and vote "incorrectly." on ballot initiatives.
Mike:
As fans, we can't control what happens on the field of play. We can't pencil in the rostah. We can't sign or trade playahs. But damnit, one thing we have powah ovah is whethah we choose to cheer or boo or do neithah.
Steve:
Right, and trying to manage that behavior is not only futile, it goes against our core beliefs regarding the inalienable right to voice our opinion.
Doug:
Papelbon's post-loss pain proved palpable.
Tara:
Yeah, last time I checked throwing a 98mph fastball or hitting said fastball takes more talent than dealing with an narcoticized Paula Abdul and issuing pronouncements like "That reminded me of a bad karoke performance on a sinking cruise ship of Turkish sailors. Horrific."
Susan/Circle:
At the risk of sounding like an apparatchik for the Red Sox conglomerate, I just don't get all the hand wringing over the belated postponement of Tuesday night's game.
Mike:
Me neithah. I mean if everyone was "it was obvious to every human in New England that no baseball was going to be played that night," as the Curly one posits, then why did the ticket holders even show up? Since when did being a Red Sox fan mean that you can't think for yourself?
Susan/Circle:
Seriously, and as for this driving two hours and having to pay $7 for a beeah, since when has being in Fenway, New England's living room and the Mecca of baseball, mingling with others of the same Red Sox faith while sipping a cold one such a horrible, onerous burden to bear?
Mike:
Game or no game, just being in the proximity of Fenway makes me feel good inside.
Susan/Circle:
Absolutely. And, just for the sake of argument, let's be cynical and say the Red Sox didn't call the game earlier just because they wanted to make some extra money from concession sales. Last time I checked, it's called a "free market."
Mike:
The irony, of course, is those bitching and whining the loudest about the so-called "ceaseless grabs for cash," will be the first in line to burn John Henry in effigy for not emptying out the vaults to get Clemens.
Because anything, anything is better than wasting another pixel discussing Johnny Damon and "Boogate" …
Mike:
You need a weapon, a pipe or a big stick or something.
Doug:
But you're in a cab, guy. It's totally mano a mano.
Mike:
Then I'd go for Bobo's nut sack.
Doug:
You think the nut sack is a bettah defensive strategy than trying to gouge out his eyes?
Doug:
How about if you just go into a fetal position, covering up your own nuts and face and just let Lancelot Link wail away on your ass … Maybe the chimp gets bored or something and leaves you alone?
Mike:
I dunno. I think that only works for bears, and even then I'm not so sure …
Doug:
So how about Bruce Lee, in his prime, against a pissed off chimp. Who wins?
Bill:
What's left to say about David Ortiz?
Bill:
Yeah, that works. Heh.
Bill:
Considah this. How lucky are we that yesterday in cities all across America the men in blue were tasked with crowd control at immigrant protests while here in Boston the police were taking on the most solemn and earnest duty of escorting the Red Sox backup catcher to Fenway?
Tara:
Honestly, I get all teary-eyed just thinking about it.
Bill:
Win or lose, we are so fortunate to be a paht of Red Sox Nation.
Continue reading "Aim Beautifully" »
Hart Brachen:
And by "solidarity" I mean, of course, unctuously latching on to any excuse that enables me to take a day off and chill.
Hart Brachen:
Because when you get right down to it I'm just another lazy, effete American, right? I mean aren't we all? That's what the news media says, so it must be true.
