A bit of asymmetry between plans and reality

Bill:
The Red Sox are determined to be the champions of low scoring, one run winning games, but the motherfucking other teams refuse to cooperate.

 

---

Mike:
What totally evil sonzabitches!

 

---

Bill:
Seriously. Don't they know how we weakened our offense for the sake of defense? Don't they know we stockpiled so much pitching depth that we could trade Arroyo away? Don't they know Theo Epstein is to baseball what Alan Turing was to computers?

 

---

Mike:
The Sox are ranked 23d in the majors in runs and 20th in home runs.

 

---

Bill:
Can I get a woot-woot for smallball!

 

---

Mike:
Unless something changes soonah rathah than latah, this is going to be one fuck of a long ass season.

 

---

Bill:
Yeah, I can't hardly wait for our -9 run differential to go up against the +46 of the Yankees.

 

---

Mike:
Hey, win or lose I'll be glad when Monday's over … At least then DirtDogs will quit with the Damon countdown shit and the Napoleonic writs on how Red Sox fans should act.

 

---

Bill:
No kidding. DirtDogs chiding us with "Don't be a Hater" and "Show Johnny What We're Made Of" is like getting angah management tips from Bobby Knight.

 

---

We love the internets

Mike:
Before we get out our pitchforks and hanging ropes to mob swarm Yawkey Way demanding Bard's head, let's at least considah the following: Mirabelli's first 6 games catching Wakefield resulted in 10 past balls, Bard's first 5 games catching Wakefield - 10 past balls. Pretty similah, eh?

 

---

Doug:
Yeah, it's time to just take a wait and see approach on Bard until he gets some more experience under his belt.

 

---

Mike:
Besides, it's probably only a matter of time before the Japanese come out with a whacky video on catching the knuckleball. I mean it's the logical sequential progression aftah "How to fold T-Shirt in split seconds" and "How to put on a Band Aid so it stay on all day."

 

---

Doug:
Yeah, and while they're at it a "How to hit ball good in clutch" would be especially helpful to the Red Sox at the moment, as poor clutch hitting is the biggest problem with the offense especially in games Wakefield has stahted.

 

---

Mike:
But you know the clutch hitting, in particular Big Papi's, is going to come around.

 

---

Doug:
Absolutely. It doesn't make much sense, at this junction, to focus on any one part of the individual areas of variance as a cause for concern (or special optimism).

 

---

Mike:
Yep, small sample size and all that which is why I'm not jumping to any conclusions over the Fruit Bat's recent troubles.

 

---

Doug:
Really. At this point in the season you're better off trolling the web for, er, creative Japanese TV commercials* than you are making baseball predictions.

 

[*Caveat: The video linked above may not be safe for work. Content is safe, the guise/joke, not so much.]

---

Mike:
Dude, I am so turning Japanese. I really think so.

 

---

Manny is in da house

Bill:
So is anyone still bitching about Manny's slow staht?

 

---

Doug:
He's baaaaack! God, I love Manny Ramirez.

 

---

Bill:
I know it must infuriate fans of other teams, but when Manny gets the sweet spot and then stands there as if saying, "Wait for it … Wait for it … Yeah, there it is, Baby. I'm your mofo homerun Manny!" it makes my whole fucking summah.

 

---

Doug:
What the frig was up with Francona? He was all Doctor Mengele doing a sadistic experiment to see how many pitches Schilling could throw before his arm falls off.

 

---

Bill:
Yeah, I'd have gone with Batshit Tavarez, but you know, Tito and Schill have their own little "special" relationship.

 

---

Doug:
Schilling says, "We talk, we communicate. I don't sit there and force his hand with me" …

 

---

Bill:
Ah, c'mon Schill, no need to explain. We all know what happens on Brokeback Mountain stays on Brokeback Mountain.

 

---

Doug:
So what do think about Nipper's comments on Clemens possible return?

 

---

Bill:
Jesus H. Mohammed can you imagine if Clemens chose this Saddadee, the 20 year anniversary of the 20k game, to announce he's coming back to Boston?

 

---

Doug:
I tell ya, an over-the-top seemingly Hollywood movie scripted scene like that would melt the hearts of even the fiercest Clemens hatahs.

 

---

Bill:
I count myself among the anti-Clemens crowd, but I tell you what, I want some friggin closure. This whole Clemens hates Boston, Boston hates Clemens has created a fissure in the friggin space-time continuum.

 

---

Doug:
You know before 2004 I'd have said that chapters like that, return of the prodigal son and all, just don't get written in the Red Sox history book, but now anything seems possible.

 

---

Bill:
Absolutely. "Why not us?"

 

---

A Jersey Yankee in Rem Dawg's Court

While a day off is good for the players, the fans often get a little snarky with extra time on their hands …

Susan/Circle:
So of all the telegenic bitches to choose from, NESN selects a Jersey girl who grew up in a family of Yankees fans to be their new field reporter? Jeez.

 

---

Mike:
You don't buy her story that a true Yankees fan would never go to work for the Red Sox?

 

---

Susan/Circle:
Ah, hello! This chick also said she was rooting for the Red Sox in '04 because if the Yankees won it would have meant she'd have to do "double the work." What the frig?

 

---

Mike:
But that suggests she's not a fan of eithah team, right, unbiased, neutral, a pure journalist.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
Dude, are you getting the morning wood for her or something? It took her 244 words to say she's not a Yankees fan and the best proof she offers is that she's lazy? I know her kind. She's a connivah all the way.

 

---

Mike:
Well, they call her a "walking encyclopedia" so she might bring some cool insights to the on-field reporting.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
Ohmigod. Listen to yourself. It's embarrassing. I mean, c'mon, Miss Onnibus in Heels says the person she'd most like to spend a day with is Bob Costas? Bob fucking Costas?

 

---

Mike:
Hey, a lot of people really like Costas.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
Yeah, well, a lot really like Kenny G. A lot of people thought Fever Pitch was a great movie. A lot of people don't know their ass from their elbow …

 

---

Susan/Circle:
Look, Bob Costas has taken the lively art of calling a ball game and dragged it into the drab dens of middle america mediocrity. He's as exciting as an acorn, as spontaneous as a tug boat, as lively as a hang nail.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
And someone who wants to spend a day with Bob Costas is someone without a soul.

 

---

Mike:
Maybe if she just lost her Jersey accent you'd be more willing to give her a chance.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
Maybe if you sold off your Rojah Clemens rookie cahd on eBay, you'd have enough cash to buy yourself a friggin clue.

 

---

Buntastic

Mike:
Who knew that the easiest way to really get undah the skin of assclowns like Shaughnessy is to show a little fan love for Theo Epstein?

 

---

Steve:
Yeah, our Curly Haired Boyfriend is there to remind us that if Lou Gorman or Dan Duquette had traded Arroyo "there would have been hell to pay" blah blah blah.

 

---

Mike:
Hell yeah there would have because, you know, last time I checked, neither Gorman or Duquette GM'ed a World Series Championship team.

 

---

Steve:
Why do sports writers like Shaughnessy and Borges, in the case of his anti-Bellichick zealotry, get so pissed off when we fans actually like a coach or GM?

 

---

Mike:
Yeah, I don't get it. But if guys like that think it's wrong, then you just know it's right.

 

---

Steve:
Meanwhile, the Globe continues to hemorrhage advertising dollars and circulation despite all that in-house "talent." Heh.

 

---

Mike:
Yeah, I'm sure there's no connection between hacks like the CHB and Borges and readahs choosing to get their news someplace besides the Globe.

 

---

Steve:
Absolutely. Pure coincidence, like Papi all of a sudden deciding to lay down a bunt.

 

---

Mike:
Christ, we saw it coming, Papi himself said it was coming, yet when it came it was still a total jaw droppah.

 

---

Steve:
Do you think it's hypocritical to on the one hand laud Ortiz for doing the obvious when the shift is on, but on the other hand give just as much praise to the legend of Ted Williams for refusing to do anything but hit right at the shift?

 

---

Mike:
Probably, but who cares? This is baseball. We're allowed to be whimsical and illogical whenever we feel like it.

 

---

It just ain't right

The Red Sox lose a tough one 7-6 in 12 to Toronto …

Tara from home:
This Herald headline says it all: "Ultimate Down Note."

 

---

Susan:
Is hate the feeling after loosing one of these extra inning games.

 

---

Tara from home:
Yeah, especially after being up 6-2 in the 8th and you're feeling all full of yourself like a drunk a supermodel on a airplane ready to smack some bitches just for the fun of it.

 

---

Susan:
And how in the frig do we lose a game in which Manny hits two homahs and Papi anothah?

 

---

Tara from home:
It just ain't right.

 

---

Susan:
Are you kidding me? That's like going in for some work on your titties and when the bandages come off you find the quack doctah got your nipples all misaligned.

 

---

Tara from home:
I'm now reduced to checking into DirtDogs all day hoping there's more Roger returns rumors to cheer my ass up.

 

---

Susan:
Ah, jeez, thinking Clemens will play for the Sox again is about as hopeless as Britney Spears thinking she'll be a pop stah again.

 

---

Just a paper cut

Bill:
So if you want to assemble a pitching staff to bitch slap the Red Sox, forget Randy Johnson, forget Johan Santana, no, you go with Ted Lily and Scott Kazmir fercrissakes.

 

---

Doug:
Yeah, I'm surprised Steinbrennah hasn't asked his personal valet Cashman to look into getting Kazmir, who's won each of Tampa Bay’s last three victories at Fenway dating back to Sept. 14, 2004.

 

---

Bill:
You know, despite how it always sucks to lose to the perennial cellah dwellah Rays, with all that's been going good, this is definitely a "Meh" loss and not a time to go all George Michael breakdown and shit.

 

---

Doug:
Yeah, which is why I'm surprised to read the generally level-headed Bob Ryan dicking around with the panic button.

 

---

Bill:
Same heah. I mean when I came to the paht where Ryan not so subtly suggests Francona is somehow covering up a "serious problem" with the club, I had to check the byline to make sure I'd hadn't inadvertently stepped in a turd column Shaughnessy grunted out.

 

---

Doug:
Well we all know how much bettah it'd be if Francona stahted saying, "You know a 6-4 homestand totally sucks. Bard couldn't catch a knuckleball even if it was dipped in poontang. And Manny fercrissakes isn't even hitting his IQ."

 

---

Bill:
You know thank Jesus H. Mohammed that the balls of fluffanutah doom and gloom crowd become writahs and not baseball skippahs.

 

---

Doug:
Or worse, tank commandahs or Apache pilots. Shit, dude's would surrendah so fast the French would be jealous.

 

---

Smokin that budda, Drinkin that puda

Mike:
This Phoenix list of the 100 unsexiest men in the world is the funniest thing I've seen in a long time.

 

---

Doug:
Numbah 2, Randy Johnson, "if he couldn't throw a ball 100 miles per hour, Johnson would be wearing a wife beater and getting hauled into a squad car on Cops."

 

---

Mike:
And I'm still laughing ovah the 8 spot with Bin Laden, "a 6'5", no-vertical-leap mass murdering douche bag is not getting any style points."

 

---

Doug:
I do quibble with the fact that Woody Allen isn't on the list. And how the frig does Larry David come in higher on the ugly scale than that fat fuck Michael Moore?

 

---

Mike:
Yeah, that's kinda like demoting Adam Stern in favah of Willy Harris.

 

---

Doug:
Christ, I know the party line about Stern needing to get at bats, but, considering the friggin highlight reel tear the guy is currently on, can't he, you know, continue to get his plate appearances with the big club until the Coco Crispiness comes back?

 

---

Mike:
Yeah, well, with the Sox at 11-4 with the best record in the Majahs, it's hahd for me to get my panties too bunched up with management's rostah moves.

 

---

Doug:
You've got a point. Not much to bitch about is there?

 

---

Mike:
Absolutely. I mean if someone had said to me back in February that on 4/20 Curt Schilling would 4 and 0 with a 1.61 ERA and the best staht of his careah, I'd have been all, "Dude, you're smoking the mofo purple haze hydro 420."

 

---

Doug:
Yeah, and I'd a been all, "Dude, don't bogart that chronic. Mary-go-round it."

 

---

Fall into the gap

Mike:
Let me get this straight, the Cruise spawn is pushed out on the same day Cruise nemesis Brooke Shields drops her runt?

 

---

Bill:
Perfect symmetry. Though it looks like Brooke Shields won the battle of who'd come up with the stupidest name for their kid: "Grier Hammond Henchy"? Jeez.

 

---

Mike:
Poor fucking kid.

 

---

Bill:
So I love this story about how Rays managah Joe Maddon came up with the idea for the Papi-shift while riding his bike.

 

---

Mike:
Yeah, he says he likes to "think about things like that" during bike rides …

 

---

Bill:
Would of been a bettah story, of course, if it worked. As Ortiz says, "They can’t catch the ball if you hit it off the Green Monstah."

 

---

Mike:
Wonder if when Maddon is pedaling around in circles if he ever thinks about how he's managah of the worst team in baseball?

 

---

Bill:
Or if he thinks of how, you know, his home pahk doubles as a shopping mall.

 

---

Mike:
Yeah, Tropicana Field is the only place where if the announcer says "and that's hit right into the gap" if he means the no man's land between outfieldahs or if he means the place where they sell khaki, denim and active wear to sartorially challenged baby boomahs.

 

---

Bill:
Hey, I shop at the Gap, guy.

 

---

Mike:
Er, my point exactly.

 

---

Bill:
Don't make me come ovah there and do the Julian Tavarez on your skinny ass.

 

---

Mike:
Ooh, will you be wearing your 3/4-length cargo shorts? Scary. Scary.

 

---

Butt seriously...

Tara:
I hate to hear about any Red Sox players hurting, of course, but I do revel in the thought of Jason Varitek's ass being an above the fold story.

 

---

Susan:
Absolutely. Any chance to discuss Tek's buttacularism makes me a very happy kitty indeed.

 

---

Tara:
Tek's is the most glorious gluteus in all mankind.

 

---

Susan:
And he aggravated it.

 

---

Tara:
Poor aggravated man flesh.

 

---

Susan:
Probably could use some deep massaging.

 

---

Tara:
All that running the ass. And crouching the ass. Runningandcrouching. Up and down. All around. Sigh …

 

---

Susan:
He is all stallion. I whinny.

 

---

A second lamp in the belfry burns

On what has to be one of the best holidays of the year (especially because it's so local), let's take a moment this Patriot's Day to just breathe in and feel good … …

Bill from home:
Jason Varitek on Josh Beckett: "He's got phenomenal stuff."

 

---

Tara from home:
Josh Beckett on Josh Beckett: "You just act like your [pants] are on fire because there's a guy on third base with less than two outs."

 

---

Bill from home:
We've got two aces. Combined Schilling and Beckett are 6-0 with a 1.47 ERA, 28 strikeouts and just 9 walks.

 

---

Tara from home:
Jonathan Papelbon has more saves than anyone in Major League Baseball. But that's just part of it.

 

---

Bill from home:
Right. In 7 appearances he's been perfect, not a single run allowed.

 

---

Tara from home:
And Foulke is on track. And Timlin is good ol' Timlin …

 

---

Bill from home:
And while this falls into the category of wishful thinking rather than fact, over time Wily Mo is going to learn to play decent right field.

 

---

Tara from home:
Hell, yeah, he is. I mean if Manny can learn to be a decent outfielder, Willy Mo can.

 

---

But not everyone is happy today ……

Lisa the Temp:
What you think Lisa the Temp gets a day off to get drunk and watch Kenyans?

 

---

Lisa the Temp:
It's ironic, of course. I mean who do you think faced off against the British Army on Lexington Green?

 

---

Lisa the Temp:
That's right, people, temps! Think about it.

 

---

News flash: vacuum cleaner sucks up budgie (Oooohh...bub-bye)

Bill:
Ted Lily's a pimp and the Red Sox are his bitches.

 

---

Steve:
The worst part is Lily isn't even an MVP pimp, but a two bit wannabee crunk.

 

---

Bill:
No shit, check it. Last year Lily was 3 and 0 with a 2.40 ERA against the locals, but was 7 for 11 with a 6.54 against everyone else.

 

---

Steve:
And if you want a side of yin to go with than yang, Clement, conversely, in 5 starts against Toronto is 0 fer 3 with a 9.45 ERA.

 

---

Bill:
Whoop that trick.

 

---

Steve:
The Jays are going to be a pain in the ass all year long.

 

---

Bill:
Are you kidding me, wait until they get Halladay and Burnett back.

 

---

Steve:
Yeah, but in the end I don't think there's much to fear from the Blue Jays.

 

---

Bill:
Really, how you figure that guy?

 

---

Steve:
Well, the way I see it, right around the All Star Break is when we'll start seeing the first cases of bird flu in North America. Then all the clubs that represent our fine feathered friends are going to be psychologically fricasseed .

 

---

Steve:
I mean people start going belly up from H5N1 and the CDC's slaughtering birds en masse and telling people to get rid their bird feeders and shit it's going to be tough to go and whoop it the fuck up for the Jays, Cardinals, Orioles …

 

---

Bill:
Christ, you're right. It'd be like rooting for the Toronto SARS or the Baltimore Bubonics or something.

 

---

Steve:
Absolutely. And remember, you heard it here first.

 

---

And starring Michele Mangan as Helen

Bill:
You know, even though everyone from Pittsfield to Bangor knew Wells was going to suck last night …

 

---

Mike:
Forget Bangor, customer service reps in Bangalore knew Wells wasn't ready to start yet.

 

---

Bill:
Absolutely, but although we were all prepared for it, the actually reality of just how badly he sucked is turning out to be tough to take.

 

---

Mike:
The thing is any pitcher can have a bad night. I mean look at Wakefield's first staht, but the difference between the two is night and day.

 

---

Bill:
Yeah, Wells is an asshat and doesn't give a shit about winning except in the abstract sense that it may mean more silvah in the pockets of a 60 inch waist pants.

 

---

Mike:
I'm actually more pissed at the Front Office. I mean everyone knows Wells is a turd, but the FO not only signs him, but then signs him to a contract with an incentive clause based on stahts, then, worst of all, doesn't have the balls to tell Wells he can't start until he, you know, can get out of a triple-A game without shitting his pants.

 

---

Bill:
Christ, if the management can't grow a set of balls, can't they at least just give Wells the money anyway? Pay him to start in AAA. Pay him to sit on the bench fercrissakes.

 

---

Mike:
Seriously, if you're going to pay Lardo anyway, at least set yourself up so there is some chance of coming out with a win.

 

---

Bill:
No duh. If there's some legal mumbo jumbo in the contract stipulating it must by a major league staht, send him out there to throw to just one batter in the first or something.

 

---

Mike:
I've been giving Wells the benefit of the doubt until now, even finding his antics and diarrhea of the mouth kind of comical, but now he's dead to me.

 

---

Bill:
You know what totally should have tipped us off? When Yankees fans keep saying things like "Oh, you'll really love Boomah in Boston" and "He's going to be there for you in Septembah and Octobah." What kind of reverse double sneaky mojo is that?

 

---

Mike:
Yeah, it's like, "Hey, Trojans, we've got this big wooden horse to give you … No, no just ignore those doors and shit, hah hah, I mean, c'mon what do you think we've hidden some dudes in there to come out and slit your throats at night or something? Don't be silly. You'll love this horse come October."

 

---

Lovin' 6-1 like a fat kid loves cake

Doug:
Christ, somebody went to Camden Yahds and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. Heh.

 

---

Mike:
Yeah, and the preseason rumors of Mike Lowell's death have been greatly exaggerated.

 

---

Doug:
It's only a blip, but for a guy struggling to regain his stroke, going 4-4 with 3 doubles and treating the Monstah like your personal bitch, is a sweet staht.

 

---

Mike:
And man, how about Beckett? You've so got to love the negative slope to the line graphed on his pitch count per inning: 36, 15, 12, 14, 13, then, gulp, 5!

 

---

Doug:
Guess we're going to have to live with an entire season of Beckett's early inning struggles only to be followed by total dominance later on?

 

---

Mike:
It's paht of his personality, I guess, to staht every game wired up like redneck on a weekend meth bendah.

 

---

Doug:
So if Beckett comes in like he's cranked, what metaphor should we use for poor Wily Mo Peña?

 

---

Mike:
Guy I've seen whiskey drunks who are less erratic. You know he pulled the exact same field gaffe, same spot and everything last year when he played Fenway as a Red?

 

---

Doug:
And those sarcastic cheahs when he reeled in the next two routine flies? Evidently Wily Mo thought they were for reals.

 

---

Mike:
Oh, boy, this could get ugly for the poor bastard. Every year the fans demand a sacrificial lamb and it's looking like Wily Mo could be the marked one.

 

---

Doug:
Yeah, we are like shahks smelling blood in the watah, circling, enclosing, circling enclosing.

 

---

Mike:
So how much faith do you have in the big man Wells tonight?

 

---

Doug:
Freakin' total faith. And by "total" I mean the same certainty I have that the Britney Spears kid will grow up normal, healthy, and without any brain damage whatsoever.

 

---

Mike:
Absolutely. I mean rehab stahts in Pawtucket are as overrated as protecting a baby's skull from fissures and shit. No biggie.

 

---

It's a beautiful day (Don't let it get away)

David Ortiz continues to cement his status as a larger than life Boston sports legend …

Bill:
"I feel this is my house, and I've got to protect this house."

 

---

Doug:
"I think our fans, they need to hear some good news, something nice coming through the organization."

 

---

Bill:
Nice? That's nice by a factah of 10 fercrissakes. Thank you, thank you, thank you Mango Salsa Man.

 

---

Doug:
Theo says, "David embodies what we want a Red Sox player to be." Talk about hitting the nail on the head.

 

---

Bill:
We've got Ortiz locked and telling the world how cool it is to be with the Red Sox. We've got Josh Beckett starting the afternoon Home Opener on sunny 60 degree day. Is this heaven?

 

---

Doug:
I know. I'm happiah than an illegal with fake papahs. Even the bad news about Crisp's broken knuckle is manageable in light of all the othah positives.

 

---

Bill:
You know how good I feel? Here's an example. I can watch this animated, retro-videogame of the 10th inning of Game 6 1986 ovah and ovah with nothing by a smile of admiration for what the guy has pulled off creatively.

 

---

Doug:
Are you kidding me? It's one of the best things I've evah seen on the internets.

 

---

Bill:
Two years ago, watching this would have caused me to go into a Kenny Rogers meets cameraman fit of rage. But now that 2004 is in the bag, I can enjoy the video for the pure entertainment brilliance that it is.

 

---

Doug:
The tragedy has become tragicomedy. "A little rollah"? Heh. I've got your little rollah right heah.

 

---

What's not to like?

Bill:
Wow, the Curly Haired Boyfriend is really losing a step — He let hoary Horrigan beat him with the first gloomy lead on the Home Openah.

 

---

Mike:
The Red Sox staht the 06 season with a 5 and 1 road trip but, you know, let's strap on our fucking hairshirts and fiah up a bed of coals to walk ovah because, ohmigod, "only four starters remain from the now legendary championship squad."

 

---

Bill:
Anyone doubt that Horrigan wrote this piece last week on the assumption the Sox would be returning to Fenway 3 and 3 or worse?

 

---

Mike:
Yeah, no mention of the fact that the 5-1 road trip to start the '06 season has included two dominating wins by Schilling, a strong start from Beckett and the emergence of young closer Jonathan Papelbon.

 

---

Bill:
In yesterday's win, the Red Sox used nine singles and six walks to push four runs across the plate. What's not to like about this version of the Red Sox so fah?

 

---

Mike:
Rathah than pine for the guys who've moved on, let's celebrate the guy who has been here forevah: Tim Wakefield.

 

---

Bill:
One unearned run and five hits in six innings … And even Bard seems to have gotten the hang of catching the knuckle.

 

---

Mike:
And how 'bout that bullpen: Timlin, Foulke, Papelbon with Foulke showing his best stuff since '04?

 

---

Bill:
Christ, I know it's only 6 games in and there are going to be spells during the remaining 156 when I'll be so distraught I'll want to say mean things to small children, but right now this feels so good.

 

---

Mike:
Absolutely. Know what else? I nevah felt this good, not once, during all of last year.

 

---

Bill:
Same here, guy.

 

---

Playing catch-up

Doug:
Christ, 3 games into the season and I've already got a chubbah for this year's team.

 

---

Bill:
So don't I. Let's recap shall we? Starting with Coco Crisp.

 

---

Doug:
Unbelievable, guy. Do we need any more reminders that the front office is, er, a few steps in front of the fans when it comes to evaluating potential talent?

 

---

Bill:
Absolutely, 3 games in and we already know this much: Crisp is an upgrade ovah Damon, youngah, fastah, and bettah skilled.

 

---

Doug:
And then there's Curtis Montague Schilling like Moses himself leading the fucking people to the promised land (again). Dude was not only in his best form since the saga of the blood sock on Opening Day, but there he is Wednesday night at the top of the dugout steps cheering on Beckett and Papelbon like it's mid Octobah in New York and not early April in Arlington.

 

---

Bill:
And what about Beckett? Holy effin' shit. 7 innings of one hit heat and then the fist pump? Jesus I'm going to staht calling him G19.

 

---

Doug:
But maybe the most pleasant surprise of all is Terry Francona going with Papelbon.

 

---

Bill:
All my life I've watched Red Sox manager's take the NASA approach to baseball. You know, waiting for shit to blow up before fixing it …

 

---

Doug:
Yeah, and you need look no fahthah back than Francona last season when he kept wheeling Foulke out there on the bring out your dead caht night aftah night …

 

---

Bill:
Which is why I nearly had a haht attack when Francona went all proactive on our asses in skipping Foulke and going with Paps.

 

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Doug:
You know, I saw it and I still can't believe it.

 

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Bill:
No mattah how things shake out as the season progresses, this auspicious staht to '06 already has me forgetting the longest offseason and spring training in memory.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, now about that little problem with catching the knuckleball …

 

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April Hiatus (Day 4 of 4)

Your omniscient author in absentia:
Well, it Thursday now, and you've got to wonder if I'm enjoying what Nietzche called "the intoxication of convalescence"?

 

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April Hiatus (Day 3 of 4)

Your omniscient author in absentia:
"A destiny is not something that awaits us, it issomething we have to achieve in the midst of innumerable circumstantial impediments and detours." …

 

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April Hiatus (Day 2 of 4)

Your omniscient author in absentia:
However much your are enjoying a book you are always flicking to the end, counting to see how many pages are left, looking forward to the time when you can put the book down and have done with it.

 

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Your omniscient author in absentia:
At the back of our minds, however much we are enjoying a book, we come to the end of it and some little voice is always saing, "Thank Christ for that!"

 

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April Hiatus (Day 1 of 4)

The Soxaholix are on hiatus until Friday, April 7 …

Lisa the Temp:
So how about that, eh? This is how you get rewarded for your faithful readership during the offseason doldrums? Baseball finally starts and now they decide to abandon you for several days? What a bunch of Massholes.

 

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Lisa the Temp:
But really maybe now is the time to ask yourself, what the fuck am I doing reading blogs anyway?

 

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Lisa the Temp:
But hey that's just me. You know the real trouble with blogs, right?

 

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Lisa the Temp:
The trouble with blogs is that they encourage the writing of more blogs.

 

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Lisa the Temp:
More guppies crowding the fish tank, more baby rabbits hopping out of their mothers into the dewy grass.

 

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Lisa the Temp:
And how will it ever end? Think about it, people.

 

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