These go to 11

Bill:
I don't mean to alarm anyone, but there's a possibility Julián Tavárez has some, ah, angah management issues.

 

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Doug:
I guess it's only fitting that Tavárez flips out and goes mental against the Devil Rays because, you know, it's not like there's any bad blood between the two clubs or anything.

 

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Bill:
It's one of life's most amusing ironies that the Devil Rays have become the most likely team to go all DEFCON1 when playing the Sox.

 

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Doug:
Well, now that Johnny Damon has supposedly been tasked with "bringing the Yankees togethah," I'm so sure the Bombahs will return to their Munson 70s roots. Not.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, reading that piece, it certainly doesn't sound like Damon's found much love from Randy Johnson so fah. Heh.

 

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Doug:
You know, I felt a momentary empathy for Damon's situation when I read Johnson's "He went two-for-fifteen against me last year" comment.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, well, it could be worse. At least Damon isn't Johnson's illegitimate daughter or anything.

 

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Doug:
Christ, there's mean and then there's meeeean.

 

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Bill:
Hey, I want to back up for a second, and go back to that Damon article … Did I really read an A-Rod quote saying, "My whole life is about being crushed"?

 

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Doug:
Unfuckingbelievable, right? I mean there's people getting balls blown off by IEDs, there's women getting sentenced to hanging for having the temerity to fight off 3 guys trying to gang rape her, and, yet, here's A-Rod, one of the highest paid athletes in the world, and his miserable, being crushed by the media life?

 

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Bill:
You know, just when I start to think I'm being too hahd on that shit head, I read something like that.

 

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Doug:
I'm so glad my A-Rod hate-O-meter goes to 11.

 

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Author's Notes
Both the link to the New York Magazine story on Damon and the Smoking Gun report on Johnson came by way of Deadspin.

Comments

[David]

My Damon hate-o-meter has not moved under 11 lately. Can't wait to hear what he thinks of Tavaras? I think he deserves the entire Yankee experience he's getting :)-. I'd like to see the swing though.

[Jason O.]

There's a direct proportion between the amount of smack talked by the soxaholix and tension/buildup to get the season started...this has been the longest spring training in my memory.

I have no doubt that the RS have hurt feelings when it comes to TB, after all, it was at Tropicana field where they collapsed out of the AL East lead last year....

Let's get it on!!!

[GaryGeiger]

Nice Spinal Tap reference, h.b.

It seems that, like the Yanks, we now have a few...ummm...tightly wound ticking time bombs of our own.....Tavarez, Beckett to go w/Nixon. It promises to be an interesting year. Seanez might be our Stan Jonathan......

There is a psych term for a person like A-Rod (I don't mean narcissitic, which he is)who continously needs to draw attention to himself, with hideous public pronouncements of self-pity.

[h.b.]

this has been the longest spring training in my memory.

How true. We've been in ST for what, 8 mos now?

[birthofasoxfan97]

We took the kids to the rodeo last week and right before the show started, the lights went down and that fine country band Europe kicked off The Final Countdown. Take heart...we're almost there!

[mobosox]

GaryGeiger,

Munchausen Syndrome?

[illegitimate son of dwight evans]

Munchausen Syndrome?

What about "drama queen"? (Emphasis on "queen".)

[GaryGeiger]

mobosox: From the web:

Munchausen syndrome is a form of psychological disorder known as a factitious disorder (the term "Munchausen syndrome" is sometimes used, incorrectly, to refer to any form of factitious disorder). Sufferers mimic real diseases, presenting a great problem to themselves and their healthcare professionals. The disorder is named after a literary figure, Baron Munchausen, a real person who was portrayed in fiction as a famous teller of tall tales.

Sounds pretty accurate, though I've settled more on self-aggrandizing a-hole syndrome....just sayin'

This off season HAS felt much longer than last. In '04 the season went through October, and by the time the hangover wore off, it was almost New Year's. Plus, this year my beloved B's have augured themselves into ineptitude, so I haven't had hockey to pass the time.

Let's play ball!

[Jason O.]

Let's leave Terry Gilliam out of this discussion.

Besides, 12 Monkeys is a favorite movie of mine.

[birthofasoxfan97]

Brazil and the Adventures of said Baron. Fine cinema, indeed.

[yazbread]

Jesus, if my nickname was 'the big unit' and I earned $16 million a year, I would have more than one 'dark little secret'. I would try to approach NBA-level numbers in this area.

Seriously, Johnson's lawyers must be laughing their asses off at this one. Now the lawsuit is probably a formality, but it is going to cost him more than $71,000 in legal fees on this one. Just because he got rid of the mullet, doesn't mean that he has left his Brittany Spears-like background behind. (Until I read yesterday's comments, I did not realize that was a bear-skin rug. I thought it was the end result of the birthing process).

Home sick today, good time to call Comcast and sign up for the MLB package. The RemDawg countdown begins.

[gmatt]

I followed the link to read the Damon piece and couldn't get through it - gag reflex about yet another JD story - thanks for pulling the best stuff out and having the characters read it for me.

Never liked Tavares. Are there uglier players? And his personality matches his looks. Nice fist...but hey, if he gets people out, I guess that's all that matters in the end.

[NV in SD]

Two Slappy quotes from that article that I found immensley entertaining:

"One-oh-three" (in reference to # games won this year)
"My whole life is about being crushed"

103?!? Have you seen your pitching staff?

Jay-
"it was at Tropicana field where they collapsed out of the AL East lead last year...."
Don't even go there, unless you immediately post the final AL East records. And MFY fans always talk about Sox fans living in the past...

[Jason O.]

gmatt: Team affiliations aside, Tavares is a dishonorable piece of garbage. Punching a man on one knee because he pushed off of your leg?

[Natalie]

Funny, I think "dishonorable piece of garbage" more readily applies to Johnson. While sucker-punching another player is awful and deserves censure (and makes me fairly nervous about Tavares this season), to abandon your own child and then sue her mother in order to get back what amounts to a drop in the bucket of your wealth (and is likely a fortune to her) is just twisted and the sign of someone truly depraved. What an a@@hole.

[dunster]

re Tavarez, I can't take credit for this quote, but it cracked me up: "Who would have thought David Wells is only the third-craziest person on the roster this year?"

[Jason O.]

As Snoopy used to say with a kiss on the nose, "relax, sweetie."

I specifically wrote "team affiliations aside" for a reason. I thought Jeff Nelson stomping the bullpen guy for mouthing off was reprehensible.

Neither you nor I know the particulars of any given legal dispute, even if the Post jumps on it. Split second actions like Tavares's and Nelson's better reveal the character of the man.

[Natalie]

I wasn't even thinking about Johnson being a Yankee when I wrote that, I was responding to the link h.b. posted and then reading your comment about 'dishonorable piece of garbage' I simply found it more applicable to Johnson. Was not really responding to your post in particular, as Tavares is clearly a dick.

But sorry, in regards to your last point, I do think not acknowledging your own child (legal dispute re: money aside) is reprehensible. Sweetie. :)

[h.b.]

re Johnson, Dave Pinto has an interesting take on the situation, suggesting Johnson's actions in suing his former paramour are a natural extension to his "highly competitive personality."

It's not about the money, Pinto argues, but about winning.

I think this is probably true. Doesn't excuse the behavior in any way, but does help explain why.

[Oy!]

anyone who thinks the sox staff has fewer question marks or brighter prospects than the yankee staff is delusional -- either one can range from mediocre to excellent, and only playing out the season will tell

[Oy!]

although the sox staff does have more punch this year (if you don't count wells)

[COD]

I'm going to have to side with RJ on this one. He has been writing a $5750 check every month for about 10 years, and now Mom is trying to pull the slot machine hand one more time to cash out before dear daughter turns 18 and the well goes dry.

With that kind of child support cash flow - which legally should be spent only on the child's welfare, the college fund should be well taken care of. It looks like Mom has been living on the child support and RJ is finally closing the cookie jar.

[gmatt]

Jason O: I think we're in agreement. I went through the set of pictures on The Globe showing the sequence.

http://www.boston.com/sports/baseball/redsox/gallery/03_27_06_sox_rays

Like I said. Ugly. Add a question mark or a sarcastic tone to my last sentence in the original post for a better feel of my intended message.

[h.b.]

Well, he could have just said "no" to the current demand, closed the cookie jar, and walked away, without resorting to asking for all of his previous payments back. With interest no less.

Dude ain't kidding around I guess.

[COD]

True - the lawsuit is a questionable PR move for sure. Really, the only logical reason that I can come up with for him to bother is that he is sending a message to someone else?

[Jason O.]

NV, yep, I thought it a pretty good cheap shot...I found it ironic that the soxaholix chatter for a few months had been that TB owned the Yankees, and yet it was the Sox who crumbled in that key series at the Trop.

..in the spirit of increased trash-talk in the days before the season, you understand.

[NV in SD]

"anyone who thinks the sox staff has fewer question marks or brighter prospects than the yankee staff is delusional "

Well, I guess send the looney bus my way.

Sure Schill, Beckett and Foulke are question marks, but Wright, Pavano, Dotel?- even more so. Add in the fact that the big eunuch is pitching on one knee, mussina's steadily declining skills, and let's see which rotation wins more games.

As far as prospects goes, I'm not going to dignify that short-sighted drivel with a response, except- Papelbon, Hansen, Delcarmen, Hansen.

You amaze once again, Oy.

[NV in SD]

oops-
Papelbon, Lester, Delcarmen, Hansen.

Good on ya, Jay O. I'm always game for some good-natured ribbing. It's the ignorant nonsense that troubles me. Speaking of which, Oy is here, but I haven't heard from Babe in a while...

[h.b.]

Oh, TB has been a big Red Sox nemesis for years and is treated as such here.

Last year the Yankees did have trouble with TB, too, though, no?

Baltimore has been the real pain in the Red Sox ass, though.

Remember in 2004 when the Red Sox went 9 and 10 against Baltimore while the Yankees were 14 and 5.

Meanwhile, you shouldn't be looking for accuracy from any of the shit that the characters say. :)

[GaryGeiger]

From today's NY Times:
Johnson, known for intimidating opposing hitters with his icy stare and 100-mph fastball, became a born-again Christian in 1992 after the death of his father.

I guess that's why he only sues his daughter's mom for 100K instead of a mil or two.....

[Jason O.]

Agreed, NV, besides, predictions about how any given pitching staff will perform before the season begins are pointless...the all star break comes to mind as a better time for this...

This is the time to load up on Slappie Blue Lips and Red Light Curt...rejoice!!!

[Devine]

Which makes every last AL East team a Red Sox rival in one way or another. The team I hated facing last year was the Blue Jays. Especially Lilly. Fuck that guy.

[IkeG]

Speaking of AL East pitchers I don't like, is it my bad memory or does Kazmir from TB always give us trouble? Rodrigo Lopez will be a pain this year, too.

I'm going to say that Boston has as many ?'s as the Spanks on its pitching staff, but I also think our guys are more exciting. And I'll take Papelbon et al over Chien-Ming et al any day for young hurlers.

So long Graf, back to KC. Too bad ... scrappy player.

[louclinton]

You plant the seed, you pay for college, or something like that.

In re: Tavares: That Skeltor Act is pretty bush, but if my face looked like a catcher's mitt, I might issues as well.

lc

[AJM]

"Split second actions like Tavares's and Nelson's better reveal the character of the man."

Of course, the best example of this was when Balco Gary Sheffield shoved the fan, exposing his true thuggish nature. At least Tavares didn't sanctimoniously blather on afterward about how he showed tremendous restraint...

[Java]

For Christmas I specifically asked for tickets to a Tampa Bay game since I figured that it's be an entertaining show, given the history.

Those tickets look so nice right now...

[Jason O.]

AJM, you can sell that fucking bullshit to the tourists, but I'm not buying it!

That bunghole hit him in the face while he was in the field of play, he should have ripped him in half.

You're going to hold it against Sheff for using a little Ponds cold cream? One thing's for sure, he hasn't dropped any weight so if he's still using, it's undetectable...which is what everyone in every other sport does, I think Josef Mengele's grandson has a big lab in Munich that stays 24 months ahead of the curve..

[AJM]

"That bunghole hit him in the face while he was in the field of play, he should have ripped him in half."

A total load of crap. Back here on Planet Earth, the replays didn't show any conclusive evidence that the fan's little slo-motion swipe with his hand ever touched Balco Gary. What the replays definitely DID show was that he was looking towards the ball, and not at Sheffield, when he waved his arm. Clearly a case of 'Roid Rage for Walking Disaster Sheffield, who should have been suspended. And yet the steroid-bloated thug not only got off scot-free, he had the nerve to sanctimoniously bloviate about what great restraint he had shown.

[Oy!]

First, the New York magazine reporter doesn't know baseball from his butthole. He says Johnson replaced Kevin Brown as the number one starter.

Second, Questions:

Johnson, Schilling: tossup

Pavano, Beckett: Sox fans want to think Beckett is an ace. When they were on the same staff, Pavano was the one everyone wanted, including Theo. The Yanks have found NL starters coming over is an unknown, Pavano now has a year under his belt, Beckett has his blister issues --nobody knows how either one will do this year.

Moose, Wells: two guys getting older (see Schilling, Johnson), I'll take Moose.

Chacon, Clement: Chacon was great for the Yankees. Sox fans think it was an aberation and the real Clement was the first half pitcher, not the one who sucked in the second half. Play it out.

Wang, Wakefield: Sox fans think Wake is great. Look at his stats: he's declined the last three years, and he sucked pitching to Tek. Wang was very good but fragile. Play it out.

Middle relief is full of questions for both sides. Dotel is a bonus who's doing well in spring training. If he can pitch the 8th to get to Mo for the second half of the season, watch out.

Rivera, Foulke: Gotta go with Mo. If the Sox have to go with Timlin again, bye bye AL East on the "new pitching rich Sox."

All the Sox rookies. Yeah, they look great. But they have to be great, and the rookie who was best last year was a Yankee, not a Red Sox: Wang. Papelbon and Delcarmen will now get a full season and we'll see how good they are. There are two Yankee hands who may come up during the season. One was a better college closer than your guy.

[AJM]

"Pavano, Beckett: Sox fans want to think Beckett is an ace. When they were on the same staff, Pavano was the one everyone wanted, including Theo."

Ummmmmmm......no.
I didn't realize that the MFYs '04 choke job might have been so traumatic as to actually wipe out recent prior memories for MFY fans. That could be the only explanation for your apparently forgetting the total bitch-slapping Beckett gave you in Game 6 of the 2003 World Series. I hear that after that game, Beckett hooked up in a threesome with Mystique and Aura.

[Oy!]

ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... yes

Theo wanted Pavano. He was duh Man.

Beckett beat the Yanks once, in a big game, obviously.

Everyone who beats the Sox once is ... what?

Some Sox fans put way too much weight on one postseason win against the Yanks. Let's see what his record is at the end of 2006, against the league and against the Yanks. It may be great, it may be good, it may be mediocre, or it may be incomplete, because of his plasters. Beckett is no lock. He has to show what he can do.

[h.b.]

Well, Theo wanted El Duque, too, but, thankfully, you guys got him and not us.

I feel the same way about A-Rod in hindsight.

The point is judging the present on who wanted whom in the past is pretty silly; it's a fluid, dynamic, game.

Just let it be.

[Devine]

Awww, everybody shut up. We'll talk in July.

[NV in SD]

Oy- My oh my, where do I start?...

Eunuch/ Schill- If RJ's knee/ back can last another full season, I will be astounded. Schill has shown this spring that he is infinitely closer to being the '04 version than the '05 version. Still, the unknown is the x factor, so I'll agree with your tossup.

Pavano, Beckett: Don't know if you noticed, chief, but Pavano just pitched in a game situation yesterday for the first time since late last season (1ip, 1h, 1er, 0k, 0bb). Beckett's nastiness has been on the incline for his past few starts, most notably his most recent (6ip, 6h, 2er, 6k, 3bb). Plus, Carl will not be starting the season with the big boys (who is your #5 starter by the way? Bubba Crosby?) You want to compare a 30 year old who has yet to prove he can stay off the DL, let alone pitch effectively vs. a steadily improving 25 year old fireballer? good call...

Mess-ina/ Wells- I'll take Boomah for 15 wins, Moose for (maybe) 12 and probaly a few trips to the DL. His stuff just isn't what it used to be. If you can't see that, then you haven't been watching baseball over the past two seasons.

Chacon/ Clement- Chacon has to prove that the last half of last year wasn't a fluke, and NY isn't the easiest place to do so. If Matty can avoid getting drilled in the head again, maybe his slider/split combo will actually hold up over the 2nd half. First half he'll be the best #4 starter in the bigs. Advantage- Clement.

Wang/ Wake- Two words- Sophomore Slump. AL battters have had a year to see what Wanger's got and will hit him pretty heavily. Wake is Mr.Consistency- some good outings, some bad, 12-15 wins is a lock. Plus, Varitek isn't catching him this year. How about a little research. Keep your enemies closer than your friends, y'know?

Relief- Paps (fireballing innings-eater), Tavarez (batshit crazy- groundball machine), Seanez, Timlin, Riske, and Foulke vs Dotel (not with team till May), Farnsworth, Myers (1 batter per game), and a combo of Proctor, Small, Villone, Sturtze, Wright and Rivera. Obviously I'll give you Fruitbat over Foulkie, but the rest? Ha. Hahahahaahhhahaaaa...

Rookies: Paps is the only rook that's going to see a full season in the bigs (again- how 'bout a little research here?), and he'll likely do what Wang couldn't do last year- ROY baby. Write it down.

"There are two Yankee hands who may come up during the season."

And you probably don't know their names.

"One was a better college closer than your guy."

Who, praytell, is that? Scott Proctor? Sean Henn? Colter Bean? The MFY would have to give up two of those guys to even think about asking to trade for Hansen.

Try again, Oy.

[AJM]

"Theo wanted Pavano. He was duh Man."

Yeah, Theo had a high level of interest in Pavano during the 2004/05 offseason. So what? It doesn't mean he rated him higher than Beckett, who wasn't on the market back then. Pavano pitched better than Beckett in '04, but it was by far his career year, and he's four years older than Beckett. And h.b. is right...what matters is their current ability and health, and on that basis I don't know how you can claim Pavano/Beckett is a toss-up with a straight face.