Simmons Love Fest

Steve:
Jeez, did you see who Coco Crisp most compares to as a batter at age 25? Dom DiMaggio! Is that cool or what?

 

---

Mike:
I know, it's a bummah that deal is looking less and less likely by the hour.

 

---

Steve:
Yeah, thankfully there's this most excellent Bill Simmons email interview with Curt Schilling to brighten the day.

 

---

Mike:
Awesomtastic. Schill's thoughts on Damon going to NY, the CHB, "Manny being Manny."

 

---

Steve:
Yeah, Bill Simmons asks the same kinds of questions any of us would have asked.

 

---

Mike:
Man, I have to confess I'm like so jealous of Simmons … He's a bettah writah than me, moah clevah than me, has a bettah job than me … Christ he even makes bettah pop cultchah references than me.

 

---

Steve:
Dude, could be worse. At least he's one of us. Can you imagine if he were a Yankees fan?

 

---

Mike:
In the words of mastah's himself, "I just puked in my own mouth."

 

---

Comments

[birthofasoxfan97]

That is the best column I have read in ages - thanks for the link. I think my favorite line, even above the Manny/pork sandwich/slider piece is Simmons' admission, "It bothers me that I don't know what VORP is, I feel inadequate." Yeah, me too, Bill. I CANNOT WAIT to just sit down in front of the HDTV and watch a good game.

[Rob]

HB - Don't sell yourself short, son. I really enjoy Bill Simmons, too, but it's the Soxaholic I turn to first on my laptop. I'm looking forward to you publishing a compendium of past columns complete with margin notes and a cross-country book tour. Just make sure you stop at the B&N here in Manchester, CT so I can get your John Hancock on my copy. Hey, it worked for Simmons...

[Bob]

It seems like this is the closest we're gonna get to acquiring Coco:

http://www.kelloggscerealcity.com/store/products/115.aspx

[Joe in Philly]

I might be alone in this.

As a Schiling fan and an owner of "Now I Can Die in Peace..." I have this to say:

The Simmons-Schilling piece is unreadable.
Two guys who love to hear themselves speak typing endlessly. Sometimes the space constraints of print (or a comic strip) are helpful.

We really are bored as a nation. C'mon spring.

[John]

Really? You're that impressed with the Simmons piece? I kept waiting for your punchline. If you want cultural references, fine: Simmons came across like Chris Farley interviewing Paul McCartney on SNL ("Remember when you screamed that you guys were the best ever and you had that champagne and all? That was cool"). I wish he was a Yankee fan so it would be easier to dislike him.

[americantrotter]

I really like Simmons. he can get on my nerves sometimes but he is almost always a quality read. Thought the piece was good too. I wonder if the people (fans) who didnt like it were the ones being called out?

[Jason O.]

I don't think any more needs to be said than to summarize the previous comments:

HB is to Simmons as David Letterman is to Jay Leno.

Simmons's success lies in that he's accessible for morons and somewhat marginally amusing to intelligent readers. He casts a wide net, like Leno. Good for him, he's found a profitable position.
Letterman has always been 10x funnier than Leno, but mouth-breathers don't get it.

If you throw up in your mouth, BTW, and you're a Yankees fan, it tastes like ambrosia....

Can I give a shout out to Jay Cutler?? Anyone seen Mortensen's ESPN.com column today?
It actually makes sense...Vince should be a tight end or wide receiver and Leinart is the second coming of Peyton Manning, i.e., an Alice.

[COD]

I think this entire strip is just a cheap attempt to get a shoutout from Simmons in an upcoming column.

Might work too ;)

[h.b.]

Thanks, as always, for all the positive feedback!

I really admire what Simmons does. Though, truthfully, I don't read him very often since starting Soxaholix, because I don't want to be overly influenced by his style or references.

[louclinton]

Not to paraphrase gwb, but you are doing a heck of a job, h.b. The nadir of the (baseball) year is this month, and you still are working at peak levels of charm and insight.

I am greatful for your silly little strip on a daily basis.

lc

[Babe Silverstein]

Talk about vomiting in your own mouth! I just traded my broken down old Saab to the Red Suckas on Yawkey Way for a suitcase containing bundles of U-S cash dollahs. I got more than 4X what I paid for it.
Since it was a "trade," they didn't even take it for a test drive, nor did they look undah the hood! Just kicked the tiahs, took a cursory glance at the service records, then offahed me all this cash. Woo hoo! Babe loves them Red Suckas!

[Devine]

*sigh*

[Pond]

"If you throw up in your mouth, BTW, and you're a Yankees fan, it tastes like ambrosia...."

You know, for all the shit we give the Yankees and their fans, baseball would be so little fun without them. Not even Kevin Millar would think to compare his vomit to the sweet nectar of the gods.

[illegitimate son of dwight evans]

I loved that Simmons article, maybe I am a mouth-breather, and I do enjoy Schilling's public talking. Maybe I'm a fanboy but I like hearing what's on the mind of major leaguers. So many of them are reading from the same quote book about how "it's a long season, we'll get them tomorrow", "I was just looking to make contact", etc. etc. etc. that it's nice when you hear one of them seem to be speaking their mind. I don't agree with whatever Schilling says, but I *do* think he's right that the media tends to spin stories and inflate their own influence on the game (where else would you get guys, many of whom have never played at any level even approaching minor leagues, voting on who belongs in its hall of fame). What Schilling said about playing the loyalty card (echoing what Simmons had said earlier after the Damon trade) was spot-on, though; many of the guys crowing about Damon being a traitor were the same guys booing people like Renteria right out of the gate, or Schilling when he was ineffective coming back from the injury. Frankly in my book, anyone who got a share from 2004 can suck for the rest of his career and I'll never utter a bad word about him again - they've all earned that right from RSN, IMO.

you know while I *did* notice when the Citgo made an appearance on the background, I didn't notice the Cask disappeared. Any reason for that, or just didn't fit with the big red triangle?

[Blue Statah]

I hate to admit this kind of ignorance while being a paid-up member of the hb fan club and avid follower of The Soxaholix, but...

WTF is CHB? or WhoTF? I keep seeing this reference in close proximity to Dan Shaughnessy. But I can't be sure. Please elucidate.

[Babe Silverstein]

I'm as slackjawed as Illegit and the other mouthbreathers here. I thought the Simmons-Schilling thing was an engaging piece of work. How often to baseball fans get more than 15-20 words out of a star player in the middle of winter?
I would think that piece was a breath of fresh air for all Red Sox fans, even the most erudite among you.
And when referring to the Yanks, neither of them used the words "mother fucking" or "puke." Imagine that.

[Jason O.]

No, Dwight, you're not a mouth breather.

Clearly, Blue Statah is a mouth breather.

Pond, you definitely fall into the category of soxaholix regulars with whom I would open my humidor and watch a NYY/BOS game.

[louclinton]

BS: CHB= Curly Haired Boyfriend

This is a name assigned to Dan Shawnasty by, I think, one of the people at EEI back when the Globe refused to be on EEI (and before they- the Globe/NYTimes were part owners of the Sawx).

Of course, I've been wrong before, so kindly correct me.

Some take it a step further and refer to him as PHB, substituting "pubic" for "curly", but that of course is both crude and wrong. I only did that once this week.

lc

[Aaron S.]

Apparently the deal between the Reds and the Phillies (michaels/Rhodes) is happening ((michaels is having a physical)) so it's not precisely DEAD

[h.b.]

you know while I *did* notice when the Citgo made an appearance on the background, I didn't notice the Cask disappeared. Any reason for that, or just didn't fit with the big red triangle?

Well, mostly just wanted a change, though, I'll confess it also had to do with the fact that this site has gotten quite popular and while I'm not getting rich from advertising, it seemed unfair to the paying advertisers to be promoting the Cask for free. (Same argument could be made about Citgo, but they're a huge multinational and the sign is part of the Boston skyline to an extent that the Cask sign isn't.)

Also, that pic of the Cask was from spring 2001 and since then the Cask has changed to that yellow based sign, so it was a bit too dated. (And I don't like the yellow sign much at all.)

I'm bummed, though, to learn that Citgo is owned by the govt of Venezuela. Nothing against the country itself, but that guy Hugo Chavez is a whackjob IMO.

BTW I'm always open to changing the bg images. Would actually like to have a bunch that randomly rotate in each time you visit. So if you see a photo that might work or want to take some yourself, please point them out or send along or whatever. No promises that I'll use them, but if I do I'll give credit.

[Brian]

lou/Blue Statah:

I believe Curly-Haired Boyfriend was first used by Carl Everett to refer to Shaughnessy. Probably the best contribution Crazy Carl had in his time in Boston.

Perhaps I'm mentally 6, but PHB consistently cracks me up.

Venezuela owns Citgo? Man, the random collection of facts I learn at Soxaholix never ceases to amaze me...

[Natalie]

CHB was actually coined by infamous Carl Everett, who referred to Shaughnessy as such to another Globe reporter- Ryan?, Edes?- years ago(likely as he was expounding upon his theory that dinosaurs didn't exist or that God exempts him from that "Thou shalt not commit adultery" thingie).

I have loved Simmons since his Digital City days (despite his fixation on the catatonically boring NBA), but only enjoyed about half of that column. I am kinda tired of all the self-reference amongst media types. Can they not take themselves completely OUT of a story every once and a while?

HB- fantastic site, just discovered it recently. I am sure I am going to totally dig the archives.

[louclinton]

It might be kind of cool to have the old Buck's Printing sign, just a thought

[Kaz]

The exterior of the Cask is undergoing a huge facelift right now. No idea whether that will mean a change on the yellow sign or not. Right now the whole thing is boarded up.

I'll see what kinds of images I can get you, h.b. from around Kenmore/Fenway.

[swanlips]

hb: the simmons article showed his strengths and weaknesses: he does ask good questions and he writes well, he's often funny, but his insecurity and desperate need to be central to the story are increasingly irritating. A wet sponge could get strong answers from schills.

[Sean O]

Deal is official; goodbye future.

Sigh. is firetheo.blogspot.com available?

[Skeesix]

I thought it also had something to do with the way you didn't want to have THAT much comparison between a sox fan and an alcoholic.

In any case, I loved the Schilling thing, most principally for what he says about Manny, and how it confirms to me that we need to keep his crazy ass on this team for as long as we can.

The thing with Manny is that he loves hitting so much, he's able to tune everything else out. I mean EVERYTHING. And that makes him a wonderfully consistent hitter. If you check it out, his numbers are FRIGHTENINGLY similar along the lines of pitch counts, how many bags are full, how many outs there are. He just doesn't care and keeps hitting at a high level. That's a gigantic aspect for the rest of the team, because even if everyone else is in a slump, they can get broken out of it because Manny will just keep hitting, and they can start rallies around him.

And that's just what's backed up by numbers.

When he's actually at the plate he toys with pitchers. He'll swing wildly at pitches he knows he can hit, trying to get another one in a better spot. He's an artist with the bat.

[Blue Statah]

Thanks, louclinton, for helping me out with CHB. Hey, whatever did happen with the old Buck Printing sign, anyway? I returned to reside once again in the cherished Commonwealth after 25 years away (Jason O., that's probably how I became a mouth breather), and it was gone.

[Jason O.]

Then I can only conclude that Blue Statah lived in San Francisco, Seattle, or the Upper West Side of Manhattan.

Only in those places could he possibly be exposed to less common sense and more dumb social/political ideas (thus contributing to his mouth breathing status) vs. the hub.

[Blue Statah]

Jason, Jason, it's past time for your meds. Dunno how I managed to give you such great offense in a perfectly innocuous question. Okay, two perfectly innocuous questions.

In fact I lived in LA County -- I'm always careful to point out, not the City of Los Angeles. Don't live in the Hub eithah, though I was born there.

In fact, having lived in most regions of this country and several foreign countries, I have found more common sense and more advanced social/political ideas within the confines of the Commonwealth (if not in the Hub) than anywhere else I know, which is why when I retired I gave up a comfortable life in the sunshine and returned to the snow, Sturm, und Drang. If that makes me a mouth-breather I'll take it.