Eating your own garbage

Deep in the bowels of Gotham, our old nemesis Marty and another of his ilk are waxing rhapsodic …

Marty:
Are you lovin' this or what?

 

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Unknown Yankees fan:
What can I say? Johnny Damon as player? Eh, he'll do. But Johnny Damon as the former face of [cough] Red Sox Nation turning his back on the molasses mob to become one of a long line of Pinstripes and the Greatest Franchise in the History of All Sport? Fucking beautiful.

 

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Marty:
M.P.D., baby! Maximum Psychological Destruction. As we know. Goal number one is to assemble the greatest Yankees team possible. Goal number two is to inflict as much emotional scarring and trauma on Red Sox fans as possible along the way.

 

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Unknown Yankees fan:
Doing fine on both counts as of right now. With Damon leading off, our roster is a juggernaut. And if you listen really hard, you can hear the cries of anguish coming down from 95 North … As their suicide bitch poet laureate would say, "Roped in at the end by the one Death with its many sticks."

 

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Marty:
Yes! And like a puppy dog rolled over and pissing with excitement at the approach of his master, our sympathizers in the Beanfart media are playing their role with aplomb, stirring, stirring the pot of discontent.

 

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Unknown Yankees fan:
They say, "Oh, in two years you'll be in the same situation as with Bernie — overpaying for a aging center fielder." I say, so the fuck what? We'll buy another one.

 

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Marty:
I love it when the Yankees overpay. It's a giant fuck you to the Red Sox. Four years and 52 million? I get wood when I hear it.

 

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Unknown Yankees fan:
Yeah, I just wish our beloved owner, a king among kings, would hire that shit for brains "lets replace Pedro with Wade Miller" local hero boy Theo Epstein as a consultant for the Yanks and snuff out their pathetic little dreams of his return. Waa waah wah.

 

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Marty:
Yeah, what's the milquetoast little mantra from Yawkey Gay Way, "We can't outspend the Yankees, so we have to spend 'smahtah.'" Well, if this is their "smahtah," heaven help the poor putzes in their "Yankees Suck" shirts.

 

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Unknown Yankees fan:
CLAP, CLAP, CLAPCLAPCLAP, BoSox bitches!!!

 

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Author's Notes
The "suicide bitch poet" is, of course, Syliva Plath. Lines are from her poem "Totem."

Comments

[riggs]

This strip --- awesome.

[Billy Mahty]

For some reason I can't see the other of Marty's ilk. Those panels are blank. Emptying my cache didn't help.

Good strip today.. I'm a GBY fan, but I don't share the sentiments of Marty and his ilk. One thing I'd say is that I don't think Damon is being overpaid with his new contract. I was surprised to read that the Yankees figured he'd consider it fair market value because he's making the same as Matsui and Sheffield. Wasn't Damon leading the league in batting average for much of last season? And didn't he score the fourth most runs last year? We can talk about duct tape and all that, but the guy hasn't spent time on the DL, and he's very productive.

My big problem with the guy is that he was part of THAT team. [brrr.. ugh... shivers..]

Anyway, the solution for the Sox in center field is obvious. That'll really stick it in the Yankees' craw.

[yazbread]

Dex, I think 'Wake Miller' is intentional. It certainly is befitting. 2005 was very much like a wake - the body was still beautiful on the surface but internally decay had set in. Flies are now being to swarm around the 'body Sox' and putrefaction will be in full swing come April. RIP RSN.

[louclinton]

Wonderfully creepy strip today.

Who is obsessed with whom now? The FY appear to have made the deal in part to stick the knife in RSN's keister. Does it hurt? A little. Will I live to take another breath? I like my chances. The best part for me is seeing Luscious lose an inch a day on his hairline as he presides over the disembowelment of the Champs of '04. I haven't seen his hands in plain sight for the last week or so, and it appears he is playing with his Silver Balls in a Queeg-like manner. What the heck, it's the Holiday season. Silver Balls all around, kids!!!!

At lease we now know the answer to "WWJDD?"

cash, mofo, give me cash.

Yours in Christ,

Lou

[Bob]

Uh, this is a great strip, H.B., but it still made me sick to my stomach (kinda like getting a plate job from a hot woman - fun, but disgusting). Billy, regarding your comment that "the Yankees figured he'd consider it fair market value because he's making the same as Matsui and Sheffield." Sense when do the Skankees pay ANYONE fair market value? Everyone on that team is vastly overpaid. I guess you could call it "fair Yankee market value," but to anyone else it's pretty ludicrous. Except for that mystery team that supposedly offered Damon 5 years at 65 mil. I think we should hire OJ to find out who that was.

[illegitimate son of dwight evans]

At lease we now know the answer to "WWJDD?"

cash, mofo, give me cash.

Lou, I'm putting your quote on a t-shirt and selling them outside of Fenway next year. I'll cut you in.

[Jason O.]

Bob, the underlying assumption behind your post is that you know what "fair market value" is for Damon or any player. Perhaps your brain has been enhanced to look into the future, b/c the key to "overpayment" is the player's performance next season, not abstract concepts of "fair market value" in the offseason.

Clemens pitched 5 months of cy young ball for Houston...18 million is a hell of a lot of money, but was he overpaid?

[Billy Mahty]

h.b. - FYI, I can't see the non-Marty images when I view this with Safari, in OSX. In Explorer the images are there, but the first six or eight panels are very wide, going over the left and right margins.

Maybe it's time for me to upgrade my system.

[h.b.]

Problem: Missing images.
Solution: Do a "force refresh" in your browser to load the CSS update.

Problem: Content overlay in Win IE6.
Solution: Switch to Firefox.

(When I added the right sidebar it made an existing, though hardly noticable, bug in Win/IE worse. I've considered taking the time to fix it but considering IE6 has not been updated since 2000, and it was flawed to begin with, and there is such a wonderful alternative in Firefox, and since MS claims they'll be releasing a new browser/OS soon, not sure it's worth the effort.)

[Babe Silverstein]

So much for your chick-flick delusions about homeslice, Damon. Heh. Plucked off the cutting-room floor, and digitally restored for your viewing pleasure, it's the hilarious lost-ending of "Pretty Woman" in which Julia Roberts realizes she'll always be a whore, and dumps Richard Gere for a wealthier guy with a bigger cock.

The long-awaited "Pretty" sequel, currently in production in the Bronx of all places, will focus on Julia's character's rapidly declining appeal, and her inevitable divorce from her evil, wealthy, well-hung hubby (to be played by Nathan Lane?)

Sing it with me, bitches:

"Pretty Johhny, walkin' down the street, pretty Johhny, the kind I'd like to meet..."

[huh?]

I went to the link. What it showed was Sox fans obsessed with hating the Yankees, not vice versa.

Sure, it's sometimes good baseball to strengthen your team by weakening your main rivals, but that wasn't necessary here. The Evil Emperor had already taken the Sox out of contention in 2006.

The Yankees had a centerfield problem, and Damon was the best solution. It's about the Yankees, not against the Sox.

[huh?]

The display problem also affects the latest version of Mac Firefox.

[dirtdog in ny]

It does at first, just refresh, and all the images are there.

[jdog71]

Hes shallow as a puddle
Dumb as dirt they say
At Christmas time he huddled
With evil and did sway

I would plow him in the ass
I'd spew upon his face
Because he's joined the pretty boys
Who are to Georgie's taste

[AJM]

"Marty:
I love it when the Yankees overpay. It's a giant fuck you to the Red Sox. Four years and 52 million? I get wood when I hear it."

I'm in complete agreement with Marty here. I love it when they overpay too...it just makes them look that much worse when they choke every year in the postseason. And it makes it that much harder for them to unload their roster deadwood......the latest example being their failed attempts to dump Posada.

I thank Johnny Damon for playing hard and playing very well during his career in Boston, and for providing some unforgettable moments in October of 2004. But at 4 years, $52mm, it's very, very easy to say goodbye and move on.

Johnny's dad was quoted today saying that the Sox were making as big a mistake with his son as they made with Babe Ruth. The only similarity between the Babe and Johnny is that they'll be equally useful to the Yankees in centerfield in 2008. Maybe by then the Yanks should just move the Babe's granite tribute out of Monument Park and stick it back out in CF where it used to be...I'd bet fewer runners would go from first-to-third on the monument than on Johnny's arm.

[SantaClaws]

Haiku

JohnNY Damon Gone
To the belly of the Beast.
Michelle has nice cans.

[vancouversoxfan]

SantaClaws, you owe me a new keyboard. This one now has coffee all over it.

[NV in SD]

Amen AJM.

Every time I see that jackass Marty leading off in this space, I just know that it's going to be a long day... if he worked in my office I would've been fired a long time ago, because you can't just go around killing the coffee boys.

[Billy Mahty]

AJM - hilarious comment.

Bob - you have a fair point in that the Yanks (and a few other teams) tend to drive up the salaries of top players. That's bidness in America tho, right?

h.b. - thanks, although unless "force refresh" is something different from all the refreshes I attempted this morning, it ain't happening on my Safari.. enough time wasted on that though. the strip looks perfect on my p.c. (as opposed to my mac). and i'll check out firefox.

[Babe Silverstein]

If schadenfreude was a lobstah, I'd be cracking the tail of a 125 pounda right now, all good-to-go with the bib and buttah.

So I take it nobody here will heed Bob Ryan's suggestion to give Johnny Broadway a standing ovation upon his triumphant return to the Fenway stage?

I imagine Boston's former favorite adopted son/newest nemesis will be received with a level of Fenway acrimony that will make A-rod feel sorry for him.

Mmmm, schadenlobstah good...

[JimmyZ]

S.Claws =

Bwaaaahahahaaahahahaha! **Snarf**

[Billy Mahty]

Oh yeah, huh?, I know that site is run by a Sox Nation guy. I thought it was funny.

I love Rickey, but Rickey is a pretty funny cat.

[JimmyZ]

ps -
force refresh is ctrl+F5

[Aaron]

Oh well, there's always the Patriots...

[Daigo, a member of Steve Xiang club]

I got a call from my "Marty" yesterday. Why do Yankees fan ONLY call me when there is news like this? I didn't hear from you after the game 7 of 2004 ALCS or after we won the WS. I am hopeful that we can over come. Good Riddens Johnny Damon, Thanks for the memory and prepare to be booed when you come back to the Yawkey way.

[da kine]

After this comment, I am done talking about Damon because he is truly dead to me. I was going to burn my WWJDD t-shirt, but somebody already beat me to the theatrical punch(line). So what do I do with the shirt about that Neanderthalic sham of a player? I need rags to polish my boots. That seems fitting.

[RonF]

There's a lot more center field in Yankee Stadium than there is in Fenway. We'll see how well the throws come in from CF. I bet there's going to be a lot of runners testing Johnny's arm.

[illegitimate son of dwight evans]

Transaction Guy's on point with this one. Money quote: "He’s a good player, but come on. If Red Sox fans could look at this rationally, they’d be glad that their team didn’t offer Damon this contract. $13M a year for a 32-year-old leadoff man? At his previous salary of $8M, he was a decent value, but at this cost he’s wildly overpaid. The Yankees overspent, and it’s going to hurt them on the field. It’s interesting that the Yankees held firm at four years, considering what happened the last time they signed a rag-armed centerfielder on the wrong side of 30: four good years and then a quick, sad decline."

[AJM]

By the way, h.b., where are you going with this new unknown Yankee fan character? With the $ sign in lights on the side of the building, is he going to be revealed to be Donald Trump? In any case, tremendous parody of the MFY-fan mentality.

[h.b.]

By the way, h.b., where are you going with this new unknown Yankee fan character?

Good question. I don't have any definitive answers just now. I've always had the plan to introduce more Yankees fans characters and, at some point last evening, I realized I wanted/needed to have Marty talking to one of his own kind. But in that short span, I just wasn't ready to give any physical attributes to that unknown character.

Meanwhile, I'd had the image of the dollar sign building in my "lightbox" on istockphoto.com for a few months now, knowing I'd need it at some point.

From there was born today's strip.

FWIW, too, I keep an ongoing text file of things Yankees fans say (either live or on message boards, blogs, etc.) in order to get as much authenticity as possible into their speeches that appear here.

[Devine]

Schadenfreude? Not from me. I've been in favor of not signing Damon at this price since I heard what the management was offering. Get me a steady .275+ hitter with somewhat more talent than Manny on defense (except for the throwing arm which is fine if it's like Manny's) and we'll call it even.

Sure, I was a little upset in the morning yesterday, but for literally about three minutes. I really do think the Yankees made a mistake here (not for next year, and maybe not the year after, though). Which...you know...kind of jives with all their recent moves. Rodriguez comes to save Yankees, promptly participates in worst choke ever. RJ in, gives out home runs like candy. Damon in...well hey, maybe I'm wrong and this is exactly what the Yankees needed. Maybe they'll win this year.

But I kinda doubt it.

[NV in SD]

"I've always had the plan to introduce more Yankees fans characters.."

NOOOOOOO!!!!

Well, ok- as long as one of them is a hilarious parody of BigBri.

RonF- There's one other thing that's going to be tested out there too-stamina. While the MFY's aging, decrepit pitching "staff" is giving up the long ball to the warning track, jeet-err and can?-no are going to get run ragged switching off between who has to run to the 380' mark to cut off John Damon's "throws".

that's JOHN damon. I no longer know any Johnny.

[Survived75]

My eldest son was quite proud of his younger brother the other day, returning from Xmas shopping to tell me how he had "just totally owned" a Marty store clerk who, noting the Sox logo on my kid's hat, felt compelled to ask him what he thought of Damon in pinstripes. To which my younger son shrugged and said, "probably a good deal for them - at least we know he can hit in Yankee Stadium." Heh.

He seems to be coping.

BTW, anybody catch the "Johnny Damon Soul" that was up briefly for auction on E-Bay yesterday before they took it down?

[Kaz]

"probably a good deal for them - at least we know he can hit in Yankee Stadium."

Funniest comment yet on the entire mess...lol.

[yazbread]

I have already chirped in with a comment about the cost of living adjustment going from Boston to NY. But let's cut Damon a break - hey both my daughters wear WWJDD t-shirts. He goes from 40M to 52M - a 30% raise, given that it appears to be guaranteed. Is there anyone that reads this masterful strip that would not change employers - for, (sake of argument) - a 15% raise. Sox think he is past peak value, MFY think otherwise (or don't think at all). Via con Dios, Johnny - I will remember your contribution to 2004 until I die. (Stream of consciousness - imagine the grief, had the Internet existed, that would have been heaped on Sox management when they sent Lynn and Fisk contracts two days past the deadline back in 1981?)

[Corwin Haught]

It's obviously clear that Johnny got traded for our sins. (If I had to be specific, letting Theo go would probably be #1)

[Bob]

//Is there anyone that reads this masterful strip that would not change employers - for, (sake of argument) - a 15% raise.//

I've turned down job offers from NY ad agencies offering far bigger raises than that. I friggin' love Boston. Sorry if that means I have to scrap by driving an Audi instead of a Bentley.

[BlueStater]

The best balm for the departure of JD is these comments, which brightened, at times hilariously, an otherwise gloomy afternoon. HB, like most New Englanders (but unlike the Red Sox, I suppose), you are at your very best in adversity. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, blah blah, to the creator of and participants in the greatest website out there.

[BosoxBob]

"I love it when the Yankees overpay. It's a giant fuck you to the Red Sox. Four years and 52 million? I get wood when I hear it."

Marty's wood will go as soft as Bob Dole's sans his Viagra when he gets to watch Damon's arm in action (or should that say "inaction"?) on a regular basis. Maybe Matsui should get advice from Manny about cutting off Damon's throws from center.

[egg]

Hmmm...let's see...

You're in a job where your great boss left because he couldn't stand management...management then starts breaking apart an award-winning team, leaving a dusty shell of what it once was... one of your very best employees, one of the best in the biz--while admittedly a crybaby--is begging to be traded, and probably will....

It's funny how 99 percent of baseball fans loathe the spending of the Yankees...yeah, those clad-in-rags suits who run the Red Sox, they're soooo poor! Cry me a river. If the BoSox had resigned Damon, most of you would be rejoicing. And rightly so! No matter how much bitching BoSox fans do, the one thing that cannot be denied is in 2006, the team you field will be a daily reminder of how huge it was losing Theo. I'm one of those rare Yankees fans who WANT you guys to do well, who WANT you to field a quality team! Spring training is not too far away, and while most teams are fairly set with their basic lineup, you guys are still in serious need in quite a few spots. You think Damon was overpaid? It's gonna cost you guys way more as the season progresses, and Ricky Henderson is seen trotting from the dugout! : D

[h.b.]

It's funny how 99 percent of baseball fans loathe the spending of the Yankees...yeah, those clad-in-rags suits who run the Red Sox, they're soooo poor! Cry me a river.

Dude, calm down. It's just a comic and it's supposed to be funny. No need to get all serious and shit.

[egg]

"Dude, calm down. It's just a comic and it's supposed to be funny. No need to get all serious and shit." Riiiiiight...sorry about that! I better leave the comments section open for such gems as:

"I would plow him in the ass
I'd spew upon his face
Because he's joined the pretty boys
Who are to Georgie's tast"e

and

"After this comment, I am done talking about Damon because he is truly dead to me. I was going to burn my WWJDD t-shirt, but somebody already beat me to the theatrical punch(line). So what do I do with the shirt about that Neanderthalic sham of a player? I need rags to polish my boots. That seems fitting."

Yeeesh...

[h.b.]

Neither of the comments you quoted speak to a "loath[ing] the spending of the Yankees..." now do they?

What's more, those two comments themselves are kind of funny, i.e., not particularly serious, aren't they? (At least I read them as such. Just as the speeches by the two characters today are hyperbolic. Again, it's meant to be fun.)

But whatev. No biggie either way. Carry on...

[babe ruthie]

//So I take it nobody here will heed Bob Ryan's suggestion to give Johnny Broadway a standing ovation upon his triumphant return to the Fenway stage.//
I will, and I think we all should, his first at bat. To show him appreciation for the four years he played for us, he played hard, he played hurt, he hit that damn Grand Slam and pretty much single handedly won Game 7 - why do you think George got so hard for him?

He was a great guy, a great teammate, loosened up the clubhouse - COME ON - what DIDN'T he do for us?? You just have to acknowledge it ONE TIME, the first time, then you can go back to doing whatever makes you feel better. Personally, I think booing makes Fenway fans look like classless clods and I always think its the newbie guy fans starting it. I like the class of cheering Clemens when he was 'supposedly' retiring, why can't we do that for Johnny one time? Let's give him one huge ovation. It will kill him. He's already got regrets - lets give him one more reason to regret leaving for more money and whatever else he was told he needed.
Come ON.