Keeping it real

Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
Hey-ya, Mr. Roy. Long time no see.

 

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Doug:
You know how it goes, Arturo, the food nannies have black listed your fine, processed food product. Just an occasional treat for me these days.

 

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Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
You should try a Tofu Pup. They're healthy and the kids love 'em.

 

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Doug:
Ah, Christ, you know, I've never understood the vegan obsession with making non-meat products look just like meat products. The Garden Burger? The Tofurky? What the frig? If meat is murder, then why in Christ do the vegans want their crap to look just like meat?

 

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Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
Yeah, it's like a coupla lesbians with a strap-on. I mean eithah you like dick or you don't. Can't have it both ways, ladies. Heh.

 

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Doug:
Some things you just can't fake. Which is why no mattah how the voting goes, we all know who the real MVP is, right Arturo?

 

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Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
Big Papi, 100% clutch. Accept no substitutes.

 

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Comments

[Bob]

Never trust a hot dog vendor with clean fingernails. It means he has his hands in the water all the time. (Of course, the alternative isn't too appealing either.) Go Papi! I really want him to win this thing, but I just have that sick feeling it's gonna be Slappy. Hey, was his Gold Glove award in the shape of the Hamburger Helper oven mitt?

[illegitimate son of dwight evans]

I think it's going to go to Rodriguez too, simply because he plays the field. Would you expect anything more from a bunch of voters who won't consider a pitcher for MVP because "they have their own award" and "they only pitch every 5 days"?

There's a great article on the gold gloves and lead gloves over at Hardball Times (peep here), and guess who gets the lead glove nod over at 3rd.

You know, I always wondered that about vegan stuff myself. Though I'm glad I never had to hear my hotdog guy use the word 'strap-on' in a sentence.

[louclinton]

Slappy? I knew his Pappy, and Slappy ain't no Papi.

Go, Mr. Ortiz

[nolasox]

What is up with Doug's neck? Maybe it's just my perception, but it looks like he's thirty years away from looking like Frank Beamer. http://www.hokiesports.com/staff/beamer.html

[Bob]

I think the medical term is cunniling-neck.

[Bob]

BTW, just saw on MLB.com that the award will be announced at 2:00 ET today.

[AJM]

I'm dubious that a hot dog street vendor would be recommending tofu dogs to Doug, but aside from that, great stuff. Hysterical transition from soy burgers to strap-ons to the AL MVP vote. I think Slappy is going to win it, and that doesn't bother me...he has a good case on the numbers putting aside the fielder vs. DH debate. Besides, it just kinda strikes home how embarrassing it is that the best player in the league can't deliver when it matters in the post-season.

Just got my Lucchino "Baseball Man" shirt...love it.

[Kaz]

I gotta agree with deweyjr...it woulda been better if Doug had the lesbian line and Arturo stuck to more "is that right" or other 3-7 word phrases that it is common to have your hot-dog man say.

Of course, this linking of tofu hot dogs and lesbian strap-ons always leads me to the philosophical question:

Consider a vegetarian lesbian that likes animal-shaped tofu and a plastic shlong on her partner. Is she doubly wrong/absurd for subscribing to both incongruities or is it acceptable that she likes both because liking either one is befitting of liking the other?

It is these imponderables that keep me awake at night. Damn you, h.b.

[NV in SD]

Bob- didn't Eric Chavez win the Gold Glove at 3rd?

If anything I hope that Slappy winning the MVP (which, unfortunately, will likely happen today) will drive him slowly into madness...

"Well, this award says I'm the best player, but why do teams keep succeeding after I leave them? Why can I only hit HRs and drive runs in when we're up by 10? Why do I find myself with my hands firmly around my neck in the playoffs? Where is that purple lipstick?"

[Bob]

NV in SD; yeah, you're right, Chavez did win the Gold Glove at third. Had to nudge the truth a little to get a cheap-slap in.

[the gorry kid]

The suicide girls are "kids"? How old are you, HB?

[pawsoxpop]

HB: I am laughing so hard that my office mates are quietly calling for the white-coated wonders. As Freud might say, a hot dog is never just a hot dog, meatless or not. Soon we'll see if they announce the Most Valuable Player or the Most Valuable Poseur...

[Pond]

I agree the fielder-DH argument will probably push it in favor of E-rod's way, but someone has to explain it to me. Sure, he plays in the field and thus has a bigger job description than Papi. But he sucks at it. He is terrible at 3B. Under most circumstances, Ortiz's only job is to bat, where he consistently delivers when needed. A-rod has a very fine swing, we've all seen that in our nightmares, but should the best player in the league be a guy who is only effective in half of his role?

[pawsoxpop]

The way I look at it, it's win/win. If Papi wins MVP, we can all be happy that the right player got the award. And A-Rod is under even more pressure next year to prove he can deliver in the clutch. If Slappy gets it, then Papi has more incentive next year to go out and show everybody they made a big mistake. Meanwhile, A-Rod is under even more pressure next year to prove he can deliver in the clutch. Just don't trade Manny!

[da kine]

OT:

Say it ain't so, Oil Can! What will the Brockton Rox do if you go to jail?

[BosoxBob]

ARod had a terrible year at 3B this year. According to The Hardball Times (in their tables of Bill James' Win Shares stat), ARod ranked 10th in fielding among AL third basemen. And I'll bet that many of those Yankee fans promoting ARod's "gold glove" defense have forgotten about the April 6th game against the Sox. With the Yanks holding a 3-2 lead and threatening a series sweep, ARod booted a game-ending DP grounder, which allowed the Sox to score 5 times in the 9th on their way to a 7-3 win.

As far as the MVP is concerned, I have done extensive research which proves that Ortiz was more valuable than ARod this year and deserves the MVP. For the details (if you'll forgive this one small plug HB), check out my story How to Measure Value Properly: Why David Ortiz is the AL's Most Valuable Player at RedSox2000.com.

[Kaz]

Wow, thanks for the great stats, BosoxBob.

[h.b.]

Couple of points:

1) I'm setting up Arturo, the hot dog vendor, as an all knowing sage-like guy, so he's apt to say anything. But he's also going to be irreverant etc like the rest of the characters. (If you recall the "Police Squad" series, there was a shoe shine character in the cast who served this purpose as well.) The buddhists have a term for this sort of "all knowing figure disguised as a common person" but I forget what that term is.

2) The hotdog vendor actually offers Tofu Pups as an option in addition to the regular hotdog on his menu, so it's not beyond the pale that he'd suggest such to Doug in order to regain Doug's regular business. (Doug was couple a times a week hot dog for lunch guy before he started to notice a slight thickening around the middle. He's just entering that time in a man's life where you can't, say, eat an entire pepperoni pizza every night and not see any adverse effects.)

3) The suicide girls are "kids"? How old are you, HB? Remember it was Arturo who spoke this line. Considering he's in his 60s, anyone younger than 50 is a "kid" to him, all the more so if they are pierced and covered in tats. He views Doug as a "kid," too, so that's another motivation for the line. (Had I been able to find a younger SG I would have, but, as it goes, none others happened to mention Tofu Pups in their blogs/bios.)

I really enjoy being able to answer these character related questions, so don't hesitate to ask regarding any strip or character.

[louclinton]

A-Rod narrowly edges Papi.

Arturo can blow me.

[h.b.]

Why are you mad at Arturo, lou? He wanted Papi to win as much as the next guy.

Maybe it's Edes you want to direct your anger to for his column today suggested A-Rod beats Ortiz in nearly every offensive category.

[louclinton]

It's just mindless, poorly directed anger. Not because he is Portugese.

[NV in SD]

Telling tale, though, that A-Fraud only beat MVPapi by 24 points AND recieved one third place vote (to Papi's 0). What the fuck ever. You take that trophy, Slappy and put it up on your mantle next to your .193 (or whatever it is) playoff batting average, Platinum Slap Hands of the Year Award, and Maybelline "Best looking Man in Lipstick" Award.

[jb]

wow h.b

a temp on friday now a great comeback strip

how about now a seond one today abotu mvp voting

can't belive a-rod got it only because papi is a "dh" but your right so GO PAPI

[Kaz]

If Papi had won the MVP, then I would have killed myself, because the world just wouldn't have made any sense any more.

Since A-fraud won, I can go on living, knowing that the Baseball Writers of America are all morons (or at the least over 50% of them are morons...I got nothing but love for Mr. Gammons).

There need to be absolute truths, people!! This vote had bigger implications than just a trophy!

[pawsoxpop]

And he's modest too:

"I think defense, for the most part, being a balanced player and also saving a lot of runs on the defensive side, was a major factor," Rodriguez said.

Sorry HB, funny as today's strip is, nothing can top the unintentional comedy of the MVP vote ...

[Babe Silverstein]

Who cares if Ortiz never actually, you know, touches the ball? And show me where in the MLB rules it states that a place-kicker shouldn't win the MVP thingy?

Your pal, Slappy? He'll do the right thing one by me of these Octobers. But I'll always be thankful for him shutting Schilling the fack up with that tie-breaking, monstah game-winnah back in July! Perhaps that was the clincha in the eyes of the MVP judges. "What up, Simon, Paula, Randy?!" Babe out!

[pawsoxpop]

Hey, Slappy's done the right thing by me for the past two Octobers: Help the Yankees lose. On second thought, maybe he DOES deserve the MVP.

[Pond]

I know it wasn't this year, but how about when he punched Varitek in his most vunerable spot, his catcher's mask. Real sharp guy there. Bravo sports writers.

[Brian]

Well, A-Rod's got to have SOMETHING to put on his mantle, since it's not like there any Rings up there...and nor are there likely to be any anytime soon.

A-Rod: Shuts Schilling up in a July regular-season game from a season in which both teams made the playoffs with identical records.

Schilling: Shuts up 55,000 New Yorkers in a game with elimination and a World Series berth on the line, directly contributing to both the greatest comback and the biggest choke of alltime.

But hey, if that July victory keeps you warm at night, than who am I to remind you of any salient facts?

[the gorry kid]

Thanks for the strip clarificaton, HB. You're right, if the suicide girls showed up at his hot dog stand--wrapped up in something more than on their website I assume--Arturo would take one look at them and think "kids."

Hell, I'd probably think that myself. What are they? 18? 19? They ARE kids.

[NV in SD]

Brian- you forgot the part about where Schill was bleeding from the ankle where he had his skin sutured hours before the game. But those are just silly, team-before-player details, right Babe?

"Perhaps that was the clincha in the eyes of the MVP judges"

Perhaps that is the definition of Slappy's contributions- taking care of business when the stakes are low (dog-days of the season, in this case), freezing up when they're high. Definitely sounds like an MVP to me...

[pawsoxpop]

Yeah just ask his fairy godmother: in July he's the Most Valuable Porsche. In October? Most Venial Pumpkin...

[Babe Silverstein]

Easy, ladies. In the spirit of today's strip, "Keeping It Real," I give props and humble praise to yo Papi.

As a Yankee fan, he makes me uncomfortable when he's smiling and stretching in the dugout. I feel the shits coming on when he's in the on-deck circle. And I am compelled to look away when he steps to the plate. That is fear. That is respect. I estimate he's the most feared and respected hitter in the league. I say Mariano Rivera is the most valuable player in the league.