Tutantheo, The Boy King

Bill:
Well, we don't have Dale Sveum to piss on anymore.

 

---

Doug:
Thank you, Christ! Anothah season of "send 'em sveum" and I'd flip out like an au pair and staht shaking the baby.

 

---

Bill:
Ah, but don't get too cozy, we've got rumahs of Manny to the Mets for Beltran.

 

---

Doug:
Ah, jeez, Carlos Beltran? Hello, Front Office? Why do you want to commit crapicide?

 

---

Bill:
Rumahs like this combined with the $50 million for Damon talk and it's like call the CDC, dude, we've got a national jackhat pandemic on our hands.

 

---

Doug:
Yeah, we're so going to need a do ovah on this book: Mind Fuck: How the Boston Red Sox Got Smaht, Won a World Series, and Created a New Blueprint for Winning, Then Threw Out the Blueprint and Got Totally Stupid Again!

 

---

Bill:
Why do I get the feeling the 2004 World Series team is going to be like the Pyramids of Giza — you know, "We built it once but now, for the love of Isis, we can't friggin' remembah how we did it"?

 

---

Doug:
Right now Shaughnasty is ringing up his book agent, "Dude, let me pitch an idea to you … While a happy Red Sox Nation basked in the warm glow of the blood red moon that hung ovah Busch Stadium, little did they know it was the eye of the god Thoth looking down and waiting to unleash the 3500 year old 'Curse of the Mummy!!!'"

 

---

Bill:
Yes, the great Thoth, "the Reckonah of Times and of Seasons," must avenge the victory … Staht cranking the presses. Curly Haired Boyfriend's back in the green. Kaching! Kaching!

 

---

Comments

[mobosox]

Beltran totally bombed in a big market with the Mets. How in the world do they think he would be able to handle an the pressure cooker that is Red Sox Nation? He thrived in KC and in Houston when no one was looking. I dunno maybe he will bounce back. Of course this is still all rumors. I still want a quality hitting half asser in LF then a gamble in CF.

[mobosox]

Beltran totally bombed in a big market with the Mets. How in the world do they think he would be able to handle the pressure cooker that is Red Sox Nation? He thrived in KC and in Houston when no one was looking. I dunno maybe he will bounce back. Of course this is still all rumors. I still want a quality hitting half asser in LF then a gamble in CF.

[Bob]

If this (awful) rumour is true, exactly WHO in the Red Sox front office is making the offer? Unsigned Theo?

[murph]

Gaza? Giza?

[h.b.]

Gaza? Giza?

Oops. I'm Abbas-shed.

[hot for louise woodward]

Our child was at a 'shakable' age when the whole woodward thing was going on.
My wife and I used to sing a modified version of a KC&the Sunshine Band tune:
"Shake Shake Shake
Shake Shake Shake
Don't shake the baby.
Don't shake the bay-bee."

[illegitimate son of dwight evans]

Not that I was any particular fan of Sveum, but can someone remember a 3rd base coach that they liked, or thought did a good job? That job seems like running the electric plant or the sewage system - people only notice when you fuck up.

The Beltran nonsense is just that - nonsense.
When was the last time USA Today broke *A* story? *Any* story?

Come on? Someone?

[grunherz]

"Manny ain't goin' to no Mets."

Sorry, couldn't resist.

[Jason O.]

You'll love this: I've heard that this Beltran/Ramirez move involves a third team and Ramirez ending up in pinstripes. I'm not exactly sure how to react, myself.

If he departs, I wonder if RSN will always like MR and his wacky 6th grade demeanor, or will he be like NG, i.e., airbrushed out of the collective picture and out of everyone's memory like a photo in Stalinist Russia?

I hope the WS ends soon so we can get to the good offseason stuff:
-Battle for BJ (and the Bear) Ryan
-Jim Thome: He lost the 1B job, he's a great DH in both parks.
-Vernon Wells on the move?

[Brian D.]

Actually, we had a very good third base coach in 2002 and 2003, if I recall. But we forced him out and he went back to caoch at UVA. He was awesome and we pushed him out the door for Sveum. Ugh.

[Kaz]

Thank you, Christ, indeed.

As to a 3B coach I like: Rick Dempsey, O's. Maybe it's because I grew up with him...maybe it's because you never hear about the O's getting gunned down a lot.

In the meantime, here's something funny for you Lost fans:

http://albinoblacksheep.com/flash/lost

[pawsoxpop]

Thanks for the great strip HB, and the education on Egyptian mythology.

Manny is only going to the Mets or Yankees if Theo is replaced by Thoth: "a man with the head of an ibis, or entirely in the form of this bird, but he could also be depicted as a baboon."

As for Nomar, I for one haven't airbrushed him out of anything. As I recall he got a full World Series share last year. I really feel bad for him; if he had been healthy I think we could have won the World Series with him. But in any case, I'm eternally grateful that he allowed us to get three great role players who carried us to triumph.

Not like Clemens. It's a good thing for the Astros that they won last night so they didn't have to watch him take the mound in a Game 7. He should be okay in a Game 1, although I still think the White Sox are going to win with Konerko the series MVP and top free agent in the offseason.

[NV in SD]

Where'd you read that Jay- In your bowl of Alpha-bits this morning? Leave it to the MFY fan to come up with the contrived "third team" scenario.

Base coaches are like umpires- you shouldn't be shouting profanities or calling them by name if they've done their job. Au revoir, Dale. It's definitely been an adventure.

[Devine]

I really don't think Clemens can be accused of shit postseason performance...not recently anyway. He held the Diamondbacks to one run in Game 7 in 2001; he pitched well in relief even when giving up leadoff hits in the 4th game of this year's NLDS for the 16th through 18th innings. He can't really be accused of consistently choking...not recently anyway.

If Manny is gone, and Beltran's in center, I will give up on this next season, seriously. Beltran's contract with the Mets was based on his RIDICULOUS '04 postseason performance. His career numbers just aren't that spectacular. Certainly he's had a couple of good years, but is that worth risking?

Johnny gave us a great season (a spectacular start, at the very least), but as long as we're talking about ridiculous, never-gonna-happen trades, I wouldn't mind a little Johnny Damon to Yankees, Matsui (the only Yankee I like) to Boston.

[Malarchuck]

Third base coach? Definitely Cal Ripken, Sr., O's. Terrible manager but a great third base coach and a lot of fun to watch.

[pawsoxpop]

I don't remember hating Don Zimmer when he was third base coach. But he was the all-time worst manager I ever saw, bar none.

[Brian]

Happy Independence Day, everyone. One year ago today, we were liberated from our Yankee oppressors. Today we celebrate, and pay homage to The Twenty-Five. Hail Theo.

Amen.

[AJM]

"I really don't think Clemens can be accused of shit postseason performance...not recently anyway. He held the Diamondbacks to one run in Game 7 in 2001; he pitched well in relief even when giving up leadoff hits in the 4th game of this year's NLDS for the 16th through 18th innings. He can't really be accused of consistently choking...not recently anyway."

Game 7 of the 2003 ALCS, where he got shelled by the Sox and had to be bailed out by Mussina, Grady, and Boone; and Game 7 of the 2004 NLCS, where he blew an early lead in the middle innings, say hello.

[JimmyZ]

Damon in shitstripes, roaming the grass that Bernie grew... Steinbag will have him cutting his (Sampson) hair and... back to .275 for Capt. Caveman.

[pawsoxpop]

Back on the doubleplay-Rod front, the NY Daily News reports that Mr. Rod was not wearing black or lighting votive candles for his deceased uncle a few nights after the end of his season:

"a few nights after the Yankees succumbed to the Los Angeles Angels 5-3 - A-Rod took his mourning to the Chelsea nightspot Cain, where he danced, drank and made merry with a group of pals until well past 3 a.m. ..."

http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/357362p-304525c.html

[Pond]

Nomar got a bad rap. He was alienated prior to the 2004 season when we went after A-rod. Add the injuries and it seems like the team made it clear there was no place for him. You couldn’t beat OC's performance, but I think we can all agree that we've seen better days at short than we saw this season. I don't think they'll be retiring number 5 at Fenway anytime soon, but he's not in the same boat as Clemens.

As long as Theo hasn't signed, how about h.b. for GM?

[Jason O.]

Both BOS and NYY have about 4 guys on the screen before signing JD: Giles, Pierre, Preston Wilson, even trading for Wells for roughly the same $$, there are probably guys I've missed.

I respect your opinion about Matsui, Devine. You might be interested to know: My firm's Japan office tells me that many giants/Matsui fans want him to leave NY, that he is not receiving the recognition he deserves because of the relative star power.
And, they feel he will hit 40 HR if he bats cleanup.

[pawsoxpop]

Manny for Godzilla is a bad idea because how is a left-hander like Matsui going to protect David Ortiz? I know the stats show that Manny actually hits better against righties, but he still makes a manager think twice before bringing in a left-handed pitcher. Plus, you're trading one of the five best hitters in baseball for one of the 15 or so best hitters. We've got to keep Manny or else get two really good pitchers in return, because no matter who replaces No. 24, we are going to score A LOT fewer runs.

[Devine]

Okay, AJM, you're right. But it's still not consistent choking. He has had good outings in stressful postseason situations, too. Witness the NLDS this year on the whole. Crap start in Game 2, great relief outing in Game 4 (the more, to my mind, pressure-filled situation of the two).

Jason, I really like Matsui's style. He only frowns slightly if he really doesn't like the strike call...he doesn't usually crowd the plate (Giambi REALLY bugs me there, I swear I saw him get hit like three or four times one week), and I've seen him make some very good snags out in the field. There was one catch of his this year that was really sick, at Fenway on a Manny foul ball right into that metal door in left field. How he was there and managed to actually put his glove on it, I'm still not sure.

[Kaz]

He may make good outfield catches...but he has *no* feeling for the Monster. Maybe that's just because he doesn't regularly play there (and it's something he could acquire), but if he were to never quite get the feel for the wallball shots...wow, he'd be the worst LFer in the bigs. Manny definitely has the carom down and knows how deep to get if it's over his head but not out of the park.

[Babe Silverstein]

Ah, life in the "Theo-cracy" that is 2nd place.

The boy behind the golden mask (young king Theo) has tougher riddles to solve than: do I trade Manny the petulent man-child's bat for Beltran's glove and well-stocked toolbox?

The Sphinx also demands to know:

Will old man Wells, that ton-of-corned-beef floating-in-beer, find his way back to ol' Fenway? will he retire? or will he fade into the West Coast sunset this winter, swapped for prospects?

Will the fallen Foulke hero ever find the plate again? If not, who will have him?

Who's on first? Abbott or Costello?

Who's in center? Certainly not Johnny Dayjob, if he really requires 50 trillion for his services.

What about Gaffe? (Beatles interlude: "Hey,you've got to hide your glove away." - in the playoffs anyway) Who's on 2nd?

Without the correct answers to these riddles, young king Tutantheo will be cryin' to his mummy in '06.

[AJM]

I guess someone has to remind Babe Silverstein that when you're playing the role of MFY-fan Troll on this blog, you're supposed to actually be, you know, funny.

Otherwise you're basically just LilBri without the massive case of paranoia.

[h.b.]

I've actually wondered a couple of time whether Babe Silverstein might be a reincarnation of BigBri.

BTW BigBri made an appearance over the weekend, finding away around his banishment.

But "in the most cowardly way," I deleted his posting and banned his new IP.

Thing is I'm not so much banning him for what he writes as I am his rengeging on saying he'd go away after he confessed that he was actually a Cardinals fan just goofing around.

If you say, "Good luck, good bye" well, stick to it.

[Babe Silverstein]

Knock, knock, AJM

Who's there?

2nd place.

Now that's fuckin' funny, AJM.

You know what's even funnier? That you think Yankee fans come here to entertain you.

You're hilarious!

[Devine]

"First place": brought to you by a cheap shot from that oh-so-deserved-great-example-for-our-kids-"Comeback-Player-of-the-Year" Giambi. Victory must taste so sweet...but I guess you wouldn't know so much, recently.

I admit I wanted the AL East title, but the idea that I could get more than slightly miffed about it after last year...heh.

[AJM]

Yep, he's LilBri all right. Redirecting his bitterness that the MFYs remain Zero for the 21st Century, and $200mm Flops, at this site.

And the Sox tied for the Division Championship, just like the Astros and Cardinals tied in the NL Central in 2001.

[h.b.]

You know what's even funnier? That you think Yankee fans come here to entertain you.

So you come here only to annoy?

Well, it's working, but not in the way you think. All the "yuse Sawx suck" blah blah blah is no biggie; indeed, the character Marty does a pretty good job of this himself and that's spawned from my own brain. So it's not like I'm going to hear anything new or particularly insulting.

What does bother me though is when the comments drag down the entire site with their banality.

I work fairly hard at doing this strip, and I'm not about to let a few cretins spoil it.

Just keep that in mind before you hit the submit button.

And this isn't directed entirely at Babe, but just a reminder in general.

[buckner was framed]

OK, I realize I'm seriously dating myself here, but my vote for 3B coach has to be Eddie Popowski. I'm too young to remember if he was effective or not, but he had a sweet behind-the-back move to return a foul ball back to the pitcher that would make Cousy (OK, Magic?) proud...

[buckner was framed]

OK, I realize I'm seriously dating myself here, but my vote for 3B coach has to be Eddie Popowski. I'm too young to remember if he was effective or not, but he had a sweet behind-the-back move to return a foul ball back to the pitcher that would make Cousy (OK, Magic?) proud...

[AJM]

sorry h.b., I'll stop responding to the troll.

As for good Sox 3B coaches, two come to mind:

Eddie Yost in the late 70's...the old 'Walking Man' for the Washington Senators back in the 50's.

and Mike Cubbage more recently...

[vancouversoxfan]

Manny for Beltran? Would be: Worst. Trade. Evah.

Speaking of 3rd base coaches, the most comical performance in that position has to be Lasorda at the All-Star game a few seasons back.

[pawsoxpop]

Yeah, Pop was a good 3b coach I think -- it wasn't his fault that Aparicio fell down rounding third in '72. I remember that in the '70s the Pawsox and other International League teams used to have their managers coach third. So Darrell Johnson and Joe Morgan would be able to give the steal, bunt and other signals and send or hold the runners without filtering it through anyone else.

[Jason O.]

"Cretinous" input alert!!

1): The noun "cretin" is fantastic. It's one of those 19th/early 20th c. lexicon words that still work: "droll" is another.

2) AJM: To call the '05 Yankees 23,070,003,227.21 yen "flops" misses important points. I've gotten over the nausea of not taking advantage of Colon's "injury" and Joe West's obviously raging (likely between innings) opium habit that inspired the call on Cano running to first.

They were left for dead three separate times during the season, and I take some satisfaction that they recovered from several pitfalls to win the division. A "flop" would have been to finish many games out of first and miss the playoffs. '05 was not ultimately successful, but not utter defeat.

[h.b.]

Jason,

Don't think you've ever fallen into the cretinous comment heap.

And for that I tip my cap to you.

[pawsoxpop]

I can just see the commercial now.

So you grounded into a double-play with the winning runs on base? So you're in mourning for your favorite uncle? After a month like that, you deserve a couple of bottles of Gray Goose vodka!

"He arrived early, with two women and a guy, and requested that they pump the hip hop," reports a Lowdown spy. "They got two bottles of Grey Goose vodka and kept getting up to get other people into the club. By the end, there were 10 or 12 of them. The women were dancing all around the table, and A-Rod seemed to be enjoying that."

Gray Goose vodka. When five tools just aren't enough.

[Aaron]

The amusing thing about guys like the Babe is that they don't seem to realize how much desperation they inadvertently reveal in their "taunts."

I've said it before, but it bears repeating: the fact that a fan base that used to be satisfied with nothing less than a World Series title every season actually thinks they're drawing blood when they crow about a 95-win, tiebreaker-granted division title and first round bounce, illustrates nothing except how far they've fallen.

And Babe's concern for Theo's tough upcoming personnel decisions is touching, but he might want to worry more about some unpleasant facts pertaining to his own team's roster:

1) Oldest team in the major leagues
2) $144 million already committed to 11 players next season

Just a thought.

[pawsoxpop]

Yeah, even if Theo re-signs Damon and otherwise stands pat this winter, I'd take my chances with the same team minus Millar and Mueller with Youklis at third and a healthy Schilling and Foulke. With or without Wells the pitching staff should be in good shape with Papelbon and hopefully DelCarmen, DiNardo and/or Lester stepping up, and maybe Hansen after the All Star break or down the stretch. I think that team improves on the 95 win record.

[buckner was framed]

psp- I'm with you about our chances with essentially the same team, but I'd like to see Mueller re-up for the right price, then maybe put Youk at first (and third to spell Billy M) with Olerud for D and maybe half the games at first. I just hate to lose Mueller's consistency and his BA with men on. I think if Youk could spell him occasionally he could give us a good 125-130 games without the dropoff we saw last year

[tim]

No. Not Manny for Beltran. Please. Check out my site.

Diesel Sports Blog

[Sox Fan Stuck in New York]

There is no reason that Theo isn't signed as general manager for the Sox. Theo got the Sox to the playoffs three years in a row, and have one World Championship. The people of Boston should build a tunnel for Theo. Manny is getting 20 million a year. He would not get that anywhere else, so he should just shut up, take the money and deal with life. Beltran was the biggest bust of last winter, next to Edgah renteria, and we're stuck with him for another 3 years, Oh the horror.