Paging Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard

Bill:
I'm neithah a doctah nor did I stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night, but if a guy is sick to the point where he can't hold down food and is severely weakened by antibiotics, maybe, just maybe, he shouldn't try to throw a baseball past Major League hittahs?

 

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Mike:
Jeez, no kidding. We are constantly admonished to piss our pants in joy for the so-called "gamahs" and "dirt dogs" who play through sickness and pain and have to have the ball pried out of their cold dead hands and shit but, really, if at day's end all the Calvinistic machismo just leads to a loss, what's the friggin' point?

 

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Bill:
And is it me or are the Red Sox like the most sickly team in the league? I mean on any given day it seems a couple guys are battling some form of near death malady.

 

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Mike:
Despite the front office's acumen with sabermetrics and key playah pickups, the simple concept of keeping the sick guys away from the healthy guys and thereby preventing the spread of pathogens seems entirely lost on them.

 

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Bill:
Well, these are the medieval Red Sox after all. The last team to integrate, the last team to cast aside the shroud of racism and anti-semitism … you can't expect newfangled ideas like covering your mouth when you sneeze and washing your hands aftah taking a dump to be accepted overnight.

 

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Mike:
When the bird flu finally arrives, this club is so fucking screwed.

 

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Bill:
Fortunately for now, Wells' upchuck had no effect on the standings as the D-Rays continue to plague the Yankees like an unlanced and festering boil on Steinbrenah's sagging ass.

 

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Mike:
The Yankees are now 4-9 vs. Tampa Bay. Sweet.

 

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Bill:
So much for the "mystique and aura" snake oil they've been peddling for years.

 

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Comments

[SawxSince67]

"So much for the mystique and aura..."

Will we still invoke the wrath of the Chillicothe Charlatan?

Fat Boy has sick for two starts now. And not "sick" in a positive context.

Or is it just a daylight thing?

"In five day games Wells is 1-3 and has allowed 26 earned runs and eight home runs in 23 2/3 innings, for a 9.89 ERA." Boston.com

Whatevah. If Wells was sick the last start and he sick yesterday, what's to stop Tito/Wallace from prepping Gonzalez to pitch?

NYY lost but we rolled out a hungry Fat Boy.

Wasted opportunity.

[Bob]

Boomer should have been throwing yak balls. Not as much movement as a spitter, but if the batter makes contact, he gets sprayed by Wells' partially digested pre-game meal.

[Kelly the Ballgirl is Hot]

Hmmm... 9.89 ERA in day games and he is blowing chunks before his day game starts. Wells needs to lay off the sauce the night before he pitches a day game...

[Jason O.]

1) One guy was the greatest player in baseball history, was the first (and biggest) sports superstar and made the modern game what it is....

2) "Today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth"...chills just typing it.

3) One guy married Marilyn Monroe, set a record that most likely will never be broken and there was that lyric in that moderately popular song written by a moderately talented guy...
Oops I forgot: ""Joe DiMaggio was the greatest all-around player I ever saw. His career cannot be summed up in numbers and awards. It might sound corny, but he had a profound and lasting impact on the country."
— Ted Williams

A few years later a guy hits three home runs in a World Series Game, after saying he's "the straw that stirs the drink." Now known everywhere as "Mr. October."

There's a lot more....

Root against the Yankees. Ridicule them when they lose to Tampa. By all means, please, hate them. But don't post blatantly outrageous, risible statements like "mystique and aura snake oil."

[birthofasoxfan97]

Right on with the Little D-Rays of Sunshine - the ONLY thing that makes a loss to some kitties tolerable is knowing the yankees ate it against bottom feeders.

[h.b.]

But don't post blatantly outrageous,
risible statements like "mystique and aura snake oil."

Rule #1 of The Soxaholix site: There are no sacred cows.

The characters will say whatever they want to say without regard to anyone's feelings or what others deem as "proper" or "correct" on any subject.

[d56]

Jason -

The examples you posted . . . all from before I was born in 1981 - and while the Yankees were still the most dominant franchise in sports through the end of the 90s/early 00s, who among that group reaches that level? Jeter's negative Zone Rating, or Bernie's longevity?

In fact . . . the most memorable and amazing plays from those teams were a defensive play (admittedly still amazing) in the ALDS, and two homers off the decaying corpse of BK Kim in a losing effort.

The mystique was built decades ago, not in the current squad - maybe that was your point, but I think HB is implying that the current Yankees are riding the coattails of DiMaggio and co. instead of earning the pinstripes, so to speak.

[d56]

quick correction:

that should read "HB's character" instead of HB - shorthand and the internet, huh

[Devine]

"...and have to have the ball pried out of their cold dead hands and shit..."

I'm glad I was eating and not drinking when I read this, but I did get a bit of bagel on my keyboard.

[h.b.]

The character versus author thing is difficult to keep straight.

It's also weird, in a good weird way, to have the characters voice opinions I don't necessarily endorse or hold myself. (Though the snake oil bit is something I feel myself and that feeling is based on the Yankees squad out their now, today. The bigger point Bill was trying to make is that all the past history isn't much help when you're fielding a team of Tony Wommacks and not a team of Gehrigs. Just like it wasn't much help for 86 years to have a Red Sox history of being the greatest baseball club in the world prior to 1919.)

[SawxSince67]

Please don't confuse the unquestionable legacy of certain Yankees and Yankee teams with the marketing of current Yankees and Yankee teams.

You can't possibly believe the same "mystique and aura" apply to the Yankees as they are currently constructed. This is a dysfunctional collection of mercenaries.

Yes, the Sox have free agents as well, but the current group has proven its resilience and made its mark on baseball history.

The team you knew and understandably loved is gone. Brosius, O'Neill retired. Tino, Posada and Bernie are significantly older. Pettite is gone.

Jeter and Mo are still quality but are aging.

The current "straws that stir the drink"? Sheffield...Giambi...Johnson...Brown...ugh.

(I can't disrespect Matsui.)

The Yankee Clipper as a player--there is no doubt. But, Marilyn Monroe apparently treated the marriage with less respect than you do.

Reggie Jackson coined the "straw" phrase...for HIMSELF. Unbearably arrogant and egocentric.

"When you unwrap a Reggie bar, it tells you how good it is." - Catfish Hunter

[Bergs]

Guys, why are you trying to placate poor Jason? I find it beyond laughable to watch these mfy fans crawl back into their "glory days" mode, as if talking about players who died before they were born somehow means anything to us now. "Mystique and Aura" have not only left the building, but were never really there. "Mystique and Aura" only take you so far as your team's talent; listening to desperate fucks like Jason desperately clinging to the "Mystique and Aura" of the pinstripes by yapping about Bage Ruth and Joe DiMaggio is like listening to a withered up old lady who can't stop talking about how beautiful she used to be.

[Jason O.]

Interesting points all, but many of y'all are blurring the line between mystique/aura and current short term performance:

If you survey a large number of baseball fans, I'm sure the terms mystique and Yankees will be closely correlated. Mystique is built over several decades (not 1 year or even 5) in a game with a 100 year history and it includes players over the years, championships over the years and many intangibles.....

...Which is why the Red Sox have considerable mystique....Fenway Park, long suffering multi-generational fans, Cy Young, Yastremski, Ted Williams (the best hitter ever, I don't care what SABR says about Bonds. Then add The Splinter's dedication to his country and he becomes mystical) and I'm sure I've missed a lot of stuff, not being a RS fan.

In the 50's, disgruntled people said: "Rooting for the NYY is like rooting for General Motors." In the late 90's the phrase was updated to "Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for Microsoft." The updating of a 40 year old complaint to reflect the times...that's mystique.

The expert commentary from the above comments on the current Yankee team: God Bless your opinions.

The Yankees will always be the Yankees.

[NV in SD]

Reading the "straw" and Catfish quotes reminded me of Jackson's constant self promotion. Here's a few other gems he spouted along the way...

"The will to win is worthless if you don't get paid for it."

"The only reason I don't like playing in the World Series is I can't watch myself play. "

"I didn't come to New York to be a star, I brought my star with me."

These quotes could very well sum up the current gang of aging overpaid underachievers (ESPECIALLY Shitfield). What I find amazing is that MFY fans are still bringing up "mystique and aura" even though they haven't been seen since the '00 season.

Like Curt said-
"Mystique and Aura? Those are dancers in a nightclub."

[illegitimate son of dwight evans]

'mystique and aura' is as much marketing hype as 'the curse' was - that is, something designed by cheap hacks who could never play the game, to sell advertising. The Yanks have had some undeniably great players throughout their history, and so have the Sox and many other teams. And I'd sooner watch old game footage than any yankeeography or other sepia-toned rehash of Ye Good Olde Days(tm). I don't need Bob Costas or Murray Chass being interviewed in front of HOF memorabilia to understand how great these guys were. The game is what it is, and the players are what they are. I will sooner remember Dave Roberts for what he did last October than I will remember what got Barry Bonds invited to Cooperstown, and maybe that's the myopic perspective of a Sox fan, but it's MY perspective. I'm a fan like millions of others, and we all remember what we saw and loved, not what baseball writers think was historic or important.

That being said, it's nice to have a partisan talk about the Yankees without some moron thinking the Yanks will walk all over the opposition in October with their duct-tape-and-bailing-wire rotation and looks at last October as some sort of cosmic fluke.

[h.b.]

It's worth noting, too, that today's strip contains 9 cells. 6 of those 9, 66%, are spent making fun of the Red Sox and the front office, the same Red Sox and front office that just delivered the first WS pennant in 86 years.

Considering that, I think it's kind of funny that making fun of the Yankees in the 3 final cells is somehow "risable."

But I agree it is nice to have an adult, intelligent, and civil exchange with a Yankees fan here in the comments.

So, yes, thanks for chiming in Jason O.

[SawxSince67]

Check his IP address!

[NV in SD]

Dr. Jason O and Mr. BigBitch?

[Jason O.]

dwight jr.:

Good point, although the "Bonds in Cooperstown" line made me shudder. Imagining his acceptance speech is painful.

And we're gonna whip your ass with the bailing wire rotation, and last October was not a cosmic fluke...It was a miracle straight from the Angel Gabriel!! I'm kidding, of course everyone must tip their cap to those 8 consecutive wins.

I came upon this website several weeks ago, and continue to come here on a regular basis. Nice effort.

[vancouversoxfan]

"When the bird flu finally arrives, this club is so fucking screwed"!!

hb you once again made me laugh out loud.

Couldn't agree more with having an intelligent exchange with a Yankee fan for a change. Good on ya Jason.

I remember reading in SI a number of years ago about Reggie Jackson visiting someone who had a ball autographed by the Babe. Jackson asked how much the ball was worth. When told it was $500. he signed the ball (unrequested I might add) and stated "Now it's worth a $1000." Ego thy name is Reggie.

I am still shaking my head over the poor Chillicothe Clipper. it makes the comments about him hiding out in his mom's basement all the funnier.

[Leo Durocher]

Reggie Jackson couldn't shine Willie Mays' shoes. He never hit .300, he's a butcher in the outfield and he's got a big mouth. What does he make, $8,000 a week? I wouldn't pay him $8 a week. He's a bum.

[Billy Martin]

It's not that Reggie is a bad outfielder. He just has trouble judging the ball and picking it up.

[Bob]

I think BigBri's mother has put her house up for sale; after all, it has a full basement (from the Chillicothe Gazette):

3 BR - full basement, fenced yard, nice neighborhood. New windows & siding. Asking $94,500. (419) 355-0352

Must be a shit-hole for just 94 large. The basement is probably a haz-mat zone.

[h.b.]

Must be a shit-hole for just 94 large. The basement is probably a haz-mat zone.

That may not be true. Housing is ridiculously cheap in parts of the country other than the Northeast (from DC up) and Cali.

You can by a friggin huge house for $175K in lots of places throughout the midwest, west and south, and a moderate single family home around $100k.

This is why so many New Englanders retire in places like Hattiesburg, Mississippi, Kerrville, Texas, etc.

And it's why unlikely places like Boise, Idaho are attracting tech companies.

Also explains as well why population is generally decreasing in New England and increasing in the so-called "fly over" regions.

[SawxSince67]

From Wikipedia:

Chillicothe is the name of some places in the United States of America:

Chillicothe, Illinois
Chillicothe, Ohio
Chillicothe, Missouri

Chillicothe is also the alternate spelling of Chalahgawtha, one of the two principal septs of the Shawnee in the Ohio Country, as well as the name of their principal village.

The Shawnee are a people native to North America, and are therefore considered to be Native Americans. They originally inhabited the area of Ohio, Kentucky, and Pennsylvania. In the 17th century, the Iroquois drove them south and west, into areas of southern Illinois and Indiana, the Tennessee river basin, and even as far south as North Carolina. They returned to their original homeland in the 18th century, but in the early 19th century, the U.S. government forcibly relocated the Shawnee to Missouri and Kansas. They were once again relocated to Oklahoma after the American Civil War.

Hmm.

[illegitimate son of dwight evans]

I can already imagine Bonds's HOF speech: "Barry would like to thank all of you, but you all crucified Barry, so Barry got nothin' to say to y'all. Come on junior, let's go."

either that or an hour long self-love-fest about how he changed the game. Either way he'll always have that self-satisfied look like we're all lucky to have ever laid eyes on such a fine ballplayer. Sad, but we all know it's coming.

[Barry Bonds]

Yo, Leo Durocher, why does it have to a black man shining Willie Mays's shoes?!!?

I'm dialing Rev. Al.......

[birthofasoxfan97]

"This is why so many New Englanders retire in places like Hattiesburg, Mississippi, Kerrville, Texas, etc."

They can't possibly be happy with that decision. Oh depression. h.b. - your post on housing costs in New England has me my crying in my afternoon cup o' tea. If I could get HALF the house inside 128 that I have outside of AUS, then I would run screaming and cheering straight to the city of my dreams. Still debating if the cheaper but more beautiful/reliable house is worth the hotter than hell, redneck-politician lovin' environs. Oh and no NESN, either.

[NV in SD]

What would you rather have (if $ wasn't an issue)-
a 1500 sf. 2 br, 2 ba house on a half acre in La Jolla, CA for $2.5 mil

or

a 700 sf 2 br 1 ba condo in the Back Bay for $325,000

or

a 6,000 sf 8 br 5 ba on 30 acres in Coatesville, IN for $250,000

I'd have to say Indiana is a distant 3rd...

[Bob]

If money was no object, I'd buy the La Jolla house for a vacation home, but I'd live in the Back Bay condo.

[SawxSince67]

Not all of the Northeast is so brutally expensive...there is a happy median between Chillicothe, Wherever @ 95k and Boston, MA @ $500K...

You just have to live outside of the "commutable" range of a large, metropolitan, happening, vibrant city. (Just not too far.)

Sigh...like me...

But, as a (just recently) family man, I now see the wisdom in the tradeoff. Mostly.

I'm 3 hours from Boston, 3 hours from NYC and I can get practically everything via the Internet, so it's tolerable...and, of course, home is where you hang your Sox cap.

[birthofasoxfan97]

Back Bay all the way. No hesitation.

RE: Bonds and Jackson - good grief, what a couple of fine examples of ego gone totally crazy. I'll take Millar's foibles on the field over those boneheads any day. It's all about heart.

[h.b.]

Re "where to live" questions... with the ubiquity of air travel, the web, etc., I think it matters less and less where your physical address is.

Also, one has to consider their career and money issues.

For instance, if someone comes along and says, "Hey, we want you to work for us doing Job X and you'll make mid 6 figures doing it - But we need you to relocate to [insert some place outside of NE]" and Job X is your dream job... well, I'd be swayed.

Or maybe it isn't just the money but your career path in general. What if you got asked, like happened to Boston Sports Guy, Bill Simmons, to move out to LA to write scripts for TV shows?

Or what if you're an aspiring actor or actress? Or what if you're a engineer and you have a chance to work at the Jet Propulsion Lab? Or what if you're a math whiz and the NSA wants you to work in some "undisclosed location."

Know what I'm saying?

[birthofasoxfan97]

Oh, Indeed - very good points.

I'm of the ilk that cares less about career and more about fun family life, baseball and laying in a nice park like the Commons reading. Thus, no high-flying career to speak of, nor the associated money to live in N.E.! ;-)

And no money to buy SRO Sox tix when the mid-level job does take me to BOS. I'm already hearing 'got one need one' for sept. travel.

[SawxSince67]

Certainly H.B., it is indeed a "small(er) world" after all.

What is lost is intangible or unquantifiable; "big city" vibrancy, trends, options, etc.

As you alluded to--one's priorities are the primary factor in these decisions.

[Bob]

For what it's worth:

http://www.redreporter.com/story/2005/8/18/121748/328

[h.b.]

Yes, the city vibrancy (be it Boston, NY, Chi, LA) is intangible and special, but, let's not forget that a HUGE portion of Red Sox Nation within New England lives in very rural areas.

Some of the most die hard fans I've ever met live in the wilds of Maine and New Hampshire and have absolutely no use for the city of Boston EXCEPT for the yearly pilgrimage to Fenway.

And that doesn't make them any less of a Red Sox fan and certainly doesn't make them any less of a New Englander. (Indeed, I'd bet people in say, Dixville Notch, NH, or Bangor, ME, might consider those inside the 128 belt to be the suspect ones when it comes to NE bona fides. They might wonder of a Back Bay brownstone dweller: "How much wood can you split in an hour? Do you have venison in your freezer? Ever seen a wild bear, moose or bald eagle? Ever gone ice fishing? Ever hauled a lobster trap out of the water in rolling seas and icy winds?")

I only point this out so we remind ourselves to go easy on "redneck" comments or otherwise looking down upon people who chose not to live in an urban area be they New Englanders, Idahoans, Texans or what.

[NV in SD]

Holy shit h.b.- you have no idea how many times I've had to defend my fan-dom (as a native Mainah) with that exact same argument. Strangely enough, some of my harshest critics have been Mass-holes who see the Sox as "their team" ie-upon seeing my hat/ shirt

"You from Boston?"
"Nope. Maine"
(condescending tone)"Maine?"
"Yup. It's all New England, right?"
"I guess so..."

Who the fuck else would I root for? Having Portland become the AA affiliate has helped my argument some, but there's still those who insist that my loyalties are misplaced somehow. Cripes- I get enough of that as a Sox fan in SD- can't we all just get along?

Just my insecurities as a back-woods hick, I guess...

[mcfly]

hey. any follow on the nasty steroid rumor(s) flying around today -- that 2 big names will be outed tomorrow or next day?