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On a slow news day, The Soxaholix have to peel back the layers to reveal the big stories …
Doug:
Oh, yes, absolutely. If I said it once, I've said it a thousand times: There is nothing like a naked protest to earnestly get one's point across and make the oppressahs bend to your will. I mean if a lezbo chick with big tits and a beard were holding a sign on Yawkey Way reading "Trade Manny!" what friggin choice would the front office have?
Bill:
Would that really be enough or would you also need "inflated scrotum old hippie guy" to take to the Boston streets as well?
Doug:
Manny take note: Does inflated nutsack old guy need a day off? No fucking way! Even the dreaded half-inflated scrotum won't deter him from helping his team of anarchists.
Bill:
Fercrissakes our children need role models and shit.
Mike:
Yeah, when I read the line "the Red Sox left fielder once again disgraced himself and the uniform he wears," I had to double-check that the byline read "Edes" and not "Shaughnessy."
Doug:
At the risk of being castigated as a "Manny apologist," I just can't get too hot and bothahd over this latest effigy burn.
Mike:
There is a certain degree of monotony to the recurring theme: Manny is selfish. Manny is like a petulant teenager. Something must be done about Manny. Manny goes on an offensive tear. Manny hits a couple balls to Mahs. Manny is a hero. Manny takes day off. Manny is a losah. Burn Manny; he's a witch. Yawn …
Doug:
And as for Manny holding the Red Sox "hostage," the last time I checked neithah Theo or Lucchino have been seen in orange jumpsuits kneeling in front of a black hooded freak wielding a machete.
Doug:
Whoa, slow down dude. First let's perfect the "fully functional" hottie chick bot and only then move on to the replacement Manny droid.
Mike:
Absolutely. Dirty, nasty, knee sock wearing bad girl robot bitches. Hell yeah.
Doug:
Domo arigato, Miss Roboto. That's what I'm fucking talking about. Hot girl robot on girl robot action.
Bill:
Jesus Christ, anothah game like that and it won't be enough to chase the Xanax with a Jameson (or two), no, I'll need to staht crushing that shit and snorting it directly up my nose.
Doug:
No joke. A normal person cannot be expected to face this shit on a regulah basis without a most focused and unabashed abuse of pharmaceuticals.
Doug:
Yeah, that on top of a friggin heat wave … I'm watching this mind fuck from Tropicana feeling like a cup of soda that has been sitting — full — for too long. Watery, sides melting, barely able to be handled — but there, so very there, and simply demanding propah disposal.
Doug:
Fercrissakes why do the Red Sox always have to act like they work for NASA — You know waiting until their shit totally blows up before fixing things?
Bill:
Why in Christ didn't my baseball coaches tell me as a kid that the secret to success is to drag your ass for half the season and then, Lo!, seize on some arbitrary event as your "turning point"?
Doug:
Absolutely. If only somebody had told me about this wake up call thingy, I coulda been a hot prospect, coulda been a contendah.
Continue reading "Waking up is hard, so hard, to do" »
Mike:
Yeah, unlike the rest of Tampa Bay, Pinella actually has had some experience with baseball playoffs.
Susan/Circle:
Hey, the D-Rays are only 8 and a half back now … maybe this year is their next year?
Mike:
Well, could be … unlike the Red Sox, the Devil Rays actually seem capable of beating up on the other teams in the division. They've swept the Yankees. They've swept Baltimore …
Susan:
Christ, how sick is it that I'm sitting here looking at the Tampa Bay Devil Rays with envy?
Mike:
Ah, no sickah than my Cinderella story daydream in which the recently re-signed Rich Garces eats his way up from the low minors to the big club and becomes the bullpen saviour.
Susan/Circle:
Get the fuck out, El Guapo is back?!
Susan/Circle:
It's 1969 all ovah again. Minus the sex orgies, of course, or rathah, one would hope. I mean the geriatric Barberella is wrinkle free, but you can't Botox a pussy as far as I know.
Mike:
Eew! Disgusting mental image …
Susan/Circle:
So if Garces does make a miraculous comeback, will the "El Guapo's Ghost" dude have to change the name of his blog to "El Guapo's Corporeal Omniprecence" or something?
Bill:
So we go on vacation with the Sox a half a game back and return from vacation in first by a game and a half … I'll take it.
Bill:
No kidding. And you know just because every major trade, like Nomah last yeah, has come out of the blue and not been forseen by the pundits, won't mean that I don't obsessively read every trade rumor out there in the media and the boards.
Doug:
Last yeah at this time we knew the team wasn't World Series contendah ready and this yeah's no different.
Bill:
They need another stahtah and a relievah.
Bill:
Christ, that's what I hate about this time of yeah. On the one hand, I don't even know if Burnett is worth an Arroyo, yet on the othah hand, the thought of Burnett being dealt the the White Sox makes me go mental.
Doug:
Meanwhile, now that Lance Armstrong has retiahd, can we go back to relegating cycling to the "who cares?" sports category where it belongs?
Doug:
Right, note to Phil Liggett: skelators in bright spandex going up a hill and then back down a hill (rinse lathah repeat) for 120 kilometers is, er, fucking dull already, OK?
Bill:
And no offense but those guys are so doped a dude like Giambi could sniff their post race piss and reap a 3 homah aftahnoon from the fumes alone.
Doug:
Ah, so that explains Juicy Jason's recent streak with the bat.
Parting words before a one week hiatus …
Hart Brachen (site author):
Kind of had to figure that things would go down as they did last night. The fates tend to be stingy with the heroics instilled upon one man.
Hart Brachen (site author):
So in trying to get the taste of last night's sour debacle out of my mouth, I tune over to ESPN 2 to watch a tape delay game of the US women's national softball team facing Canada. I'm thinking the US hasn't lost an international game in 5 years, so I'll just sit back and watch them kick ass.
Hart Brachen (site author):
Well, that didn't flippin' work out. Jeez. Guess I picked a good week to go on vacation after all. (But I don't begrude Francona for sending Schilling in. Life's a gamble.)
Hart Brachen (site author):
See you back here no later than the 25th.
Bill:
I'm looking forward to seeing Chad Braford scrape his knuckles on the mound in relief, but pahdon me if I'm remain skeptical whether this will help the bullpen much.
Doug:
Yeah, there's that niggling sense this was just a convenience trade. Epstein unloads the malcontent Payton and Beane, in turn, unloads a dead armed Bradfahd.
Bill:
Shea Hillenbrand for B.K. Kim, anyone? It's déjà vu all ovah again.
Doug:
Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose.
Bill:
Yeah, the Curly Haired Boyfriend can still work some magic every now and again.
Bill:
Absolutely. Hey, I've gotta run. Gotta get Lisa the Temp set up to covah things while we're on vacation.
Doug:
Ah, vacation, all I ever wanted.
Mike:
It's totally creepy yet, somehow, totally fitting.
Susan/Circle:
It's like Sheffield is the big bro protecting his pretty 15 year old virgin sister or something.
Mike:
"Don't worry a pretty little hair on your head, my precious jewel. If that stud Varitek lays a hand on you, I'll jack him up good, sweetie."
Susan/Circle:
Christ, how friggin' sad is it that Slappy's own teammates think of him as a sissy?
Susan/Circle:
Absolutely. I think he needs a hobby to channel his energy. Something pleasant and relaxing.
Susan:
Without a doubt there is nothing quite the fuck like car crash bonzai to work through the resultant trauma of being pimp slapped by the Red Sox in last yeah's ALCS.
Mike::
C'mon, Sheff, how about it? Grab hold of the sheahs and branch bendahs and let the emotional healing begin. If not for yourself, then for your teammates.
Continue reading "And in his eyes two saphires blue" »
Bill:
Don't sweat it. I can't name the teams in the other league, let alone the playahs.
Bill:
Who knew that Johnny Jesus Damon is more populah than the other one, what's his name, the messiah, son of God healah of lepahs …?
Steve:
If this keeps up they'll need to start calling the other guy Jesus Johnny Christ.
Steve:
Blessed are the center fielders with meek throwing arms for they shall inherit the earth.
Bill:
The similarities are uncanny. I mean Jesus the Christ saved a prostitute from a public stoning and Jesus the Damon saved Michelle Mangum from a life of …
Steve:
Hey, careful, now, you don't want any legal action brought down on your freckled Irish ass.
Bill:
What? What? I was going to say "saved from a life toiling for a talent scouting agency," you know? Jeez, The last thing I want to do is give credence to any of those libelous "former stripper" rumors running rampant. Despicable.
Bill:
You know I've been scouted by a couple modeling talent agencies.
Steve:
Jumpin' Johnny on a stick, no way, dude!
Bill:
Yah-way. They said I have the perfect look to model a desktop publishing clip-aht charactah aftah.
Steve:
Shit, man, you outta go for it. I mean the deposit is totally refundable and all …
Like in 2004, the Orioles continue to foil the Red Sox …
Mike:
Well, they say 2 out of 3 ain't bad, but 1 outta 4? Er, not so much.
Doug:
Yeah, well, you know, you don't want to open up too lahge a lead in the AL East or anything. 8 game lead? 10 game lead? Who needs that when you can keep it close and exciting all season long?
Mike:
Fuck yeah. I mean you wouldn't want Orioles fans to give up hope or anything. They need to know they're right there. Still in it despite losing their previous 5 series.
Mike:
You know considering the Sox are in first with a bettah record than at this point last year and they got to this point without Curt Schilling, I don't know why I'm not happiah.
Doug:
Yeah, ESPN wants us to believe they're so hip with all that X Games crap, but then they still want to jam damn démodé papah and ink up our 21st Century age of irony asses?
Mike:
Woo hoo. I so can't wait to go to the mailbox to get my latest issue of week old sports news!
Continue reading "'SportsCenter with Staples?' (Staple this.)" »
The Red Sox, with Manny, JD, Tek, and Renteria, on the bench for rest and relaxation, lose in a rain shortened game to the Orioles …
Hart Brachen (blog author) on Green Line:
Dudes, taking a page from Terry Francona's management 101, I'm going to skip the strip and rest today because, you know, I'm all fatigued and shit … This blogging is hard mofo work.
Hart Brachen (blog author) on Green Line:
Yeah, yeah, I know … If I skip days, I risk losing readahs and the blog will slip in the popularity standings, but, hey, what's a few losses here and there, right? It's a long season, plenty of time to make up ground latah.
Hart Brachen (blog author) on Green Line:
If I'm lucky, my boss at the day-job will be humane like Tito and take pity on my weary, overworked raggedy ass and send me home early (with pay) or something. Then I can go to a matinee or take a nap … If you're smaht, you'll take some rest time, too.
Bill:
Yeah, that's my emotional gut reaction, too — But when I step back and really consider this move, something doesn't feel right.
Bill:
Sure, I'm down with the whole "not sure that Curt Schilling-lite will help the club," so this is the best alternative deal, rathah it's the sense there is no long range plan. How long is "temporary"?
Rider on Green Line:
Well, Foulke's out 4-6 weeks …
Rider on Green Line:
Dude, it's these unknowns that make the unfolding of the season so awesomtastic. You know that.
Bill:
Yeah, don't mind me today. The intrusion of the real world is making me dour and cynical. You know some of the most fervent Red Sox fans I've encountered on the web through postings and emails live in London?
Rider on Green Line:
I know. These blokes stay up until the wee hours of the morning watching the satellite feeds of Red Sox games. Total die hahds an ocean away.
Bill:
Absolutely. Today our thoughts and best hopes are with you, London branch of Red Sox Nation.
Bill:
Unbelievable. Aftah he hit his 19th I was thinking how it could be a long time before he'd came up again with the bases loaded let alone the odds of hitting it out in that situation.
Bill:
Yeah, are we fans supposed to play along and feign surprise or what? I mean, Christ, the Bennifer 2 breeding and subsequent connubialism had more mystery than Foulke's knees.
Doug:
Yeah, and he now "might," you know, have to go on the DL. Wink nudge wink.
Bill:
Yeah, evidently, Foulke is such a gamah the only way to get the ball out of his hands is to put him on the DL.
Doug:
Jeez, when are they gonna put that tired "gamah" shit to bed when talking about professional athletes?
Bill:
Fercrissakes, haven't four seasons of American Idol auditions taught you people anything? Desiah nevah trumps ability.
Doug:
Hell yeah. If desiah were such a factah in determining outcome, I'd so be doing the Kinsey with Carrie Underwood every night. All "C'mere Checotah cow girl and let me show you what we mean by aberrant sexual behavior Boston stylee."
Bill:
Boom chicka waa waaa.
Continue reading "Howard Dean was a gamer, still..." »
Susan/Circle:
Whoa. That dude needs to, er, probably get out more often or something. Wearing wristbands and listening to commercial rock does not a revolution make.
Mike:
Even Bob "Up All Night" Geldof had to confess to the conceit when he said, "Something must be done, even if it doesn't work."
Susan/Circle:
Funny, that's exactly what I was saying about the Red Sox bullpen.
Mike:
Bring in "Kevin" the closah to hold a run lead in the 9th? Not a chance.
Susan/Circle:
I think we have located Heathcliff Slocumb's evil twin and his name is Kevin.
Mike:
There's nothing, nothing worse than a shaky bullpen.
Susan/Circle:
Is it optimistic or pessimistic when I say I can feel a lot worse than this and still feel fine?
Mike:
I dunno because I can feel a lot bettah than this and still feel bad.
Susan/Circle:
We may be looking at one long fuck of a summah …
The morning after an off day …
Mike:
You know I more and more dread the off days because, with no game to discuss, our beloved media members have a bit too much time on their hands …
Doug:
Absolutely. With no game they're more than likely to believe their own hype and think they actually have something erudite and profound to type out for the unwashed masses.
Doug:
Jeez, thanks for setting the record straight on that, Tones, that's so friggin' sagacious of you to come up with that one. Wow, you da man.
Doug:
No kidding. She should have said, "I don't care if Pierre from Au Bon Pain rolling baguettes boos me … I'm not inviting him to my victory pahty."
Mike:
Absolutely. I'm so effin' glad Keith Foulke is toughah than Serena Williams. I can now sleep soundly knowing this whole thing is settled.
Doug:
Hey, any 4th of July long weekend plans lined up?
Mike:
Yeah, I was thinking I'd take out the bike and head up to Cow Hampshire for a drive in the mountains … take in the views, you know?
Mike:
Fucking-A, dude. You know terrorists may get all the attention, but when it comes to focus and asymmetric means to an end, the perverts are in a league of their own.
