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The Red Sox start another win streak, beating the Cleveland Indigenous Peoples 5-2 …
Bill:
So with a 5-2 lead and Wakefield turning the ball ovah to the pen, I'm thinking thank our inner thetans Foulke isn't on the bullpen value menu today.
Bill:
Heh. But all's well that ends well. Mantei recovers, turns it over to Timlin and it's one, two, er, two and a quarter, ah, two and half, three(!) Timlin …
Bill:
Now that's what I call a friggin' alternative to psychiatry.
A horrible loss and the first time since July 19 of last year that the Red Sox lost a game they were leading after eight innings …
Doug:
Hey, if the friggin Royals, and I mean the tea slurping inbreds of Merry Old England and not the ball club in Kansas City, can get a DNA test on Harry, why can't we get one for Foulke?
Bill:
Absolutely. This 05 blown save Foulke is a total impostah.
Bill:
Evidently Foulke hasn't seen how much a Fenway ticket costs. Takes a fuck of a lot of flame broiling just to get an obstructed view seat.
Bill:
Yeah, maybe Foulke is, you know, "Waking up with the King" … these days …
Doug:
Something's friggin' wrong, that's for sure.
Steve:
Yeah like we're all of a sudden going to be think he's some sort of physical Goliath and not just another one of those droopy skinned old guys haunting the gym in sweaty velour?
Bill:
I'm not sure what is more pathetic, the lifting weights image or the fact that he's delusional and doesn't realize his team can't be fixed by players trying hahdah because the Yankees are already playing up to their mediocre capabilities.
Steve:
All the wanting to win in the world and still, Tony Womack is Tony Womack.
Steve:
Ah, of course. The Yankees' place in the standings has nothing to do with poor pitching and disastrous defense, no, it's all because of those damned dirty umps.
For the moment, there is no force more dominant than the 2005 Boston Red Sox …
Susan/Circle:
What a weekend, stahting in second finishing in first.
Susan/Circle:
I'm as happy as a Saudi princess in Prada.
Mike:
Are you kidding me? Watching these last three with Philly, I felt like Katie Holmes at a Tom Cruise film festival.
Mike:
No kidding. We are so lucky to have the dead tree columnists keeping it fucking real.
Susan/Circle:
Hell yeah we are. I'd be totally flippin' lost without dudes like Silverman, Shank, and Tomase to elucidate the finah nuances of the game.
Susan/Circle:
Greg Maddux. Woo-Hoo.
Doug:
I stahted too but my eyes glazed ovah with boredom aftah the first few grafs …
Bill:
Yeah, the "oh poor me I'm just a poor misunderstood newspapah repotah " tude is so transparent.
Doug:
Using each email fans sent him as a chance to make a joke just reveals the typical media elitism. He's the smaht newspapah writah while his readahs, the fans, are a crazy, foul mouthed mob who just don't get it, right?
Bill:
Funniest thing is when he says to Google "Tomase Manny" to behold the long list of positive Manny articles he's written … only problem is if you actually do that the results are a bit different.
Doug:
I effin' love it. Top two results are of the BSMW blog being critical of Tomase and the rest of the page results are dominated by fan websites and message boards.
Bill:
Hey, the only pahk the D-Rays have a winning record in, and this includes their home field mind you, is "Teh Stadium." Too effin' funny.
Doug:
Yeah it's like watching botoxed Wang Chung onstage in that reality show Old Fuckahs Try Again or whatever it's called.
Mike:
Yeah, seeing Embree walk into that situation can only make you empathize with the the bug-eyed bride not to be: A choice between suicide and running away, a bottle of pills or a bus ticket.
Doug:
But in just 6 pitches Embree strikes out pinch hitter José Hernández gets Jhonny Peralta to ground into a double play and it's all, whoa, I can take the fucking blanket off my head now.
Mike:
As his ex-wife says, "The Sox hiring Eric is like the police hiring a psychic to find a missing body.""
Doug:
The stats guys are becoming so important they should start putting them on baseball cards and shit.
Mike:
No kidding, kids in the math club would be all, "I'll trade you a Voros McCracken and Gary Huckabay for your Eric Van."
Doug:
You gotta wondah though how long before ol King George realizes he's getting outwitted and stahts to buy up all the stats talent.
Mike:
I can see the message board posts now: "How did the Red Sox let Eric Van go to the Yankees?" and "These stats guys have no loyalty, it's all about the benjamins."
Susan/Circle:
Shua. King of kings, planah of rough places, curah of lepahs, totally tortilla worthy …
Susan/Circle:
The blessed among women, the full of grace, the fruited wombed, hell yeah they get their toast.
Susan/Circle:
Ah, memo to the miracle dude in chahge of putting heads on bread and cereal foodstuffs: What the fuck are you thinking?!?!
Mike:
Right. If you're going to open the whole face on bread thing beyond the membahs of the God Squad, you don't lead off with the perv Jacko fercrissakes!
Susan/Circle:
Talk about your messed up shit. How is it I live in world with a Michael Jackson face on toast but devoid of the David Ortiz face on toast?
Mike:
I want Big Papi's face on a staple food made from flour or meal and I want it now!
Bill:
Yeah, whenevah you find yourself saying, "Whew, good friggin thing Belhorn made that great slide in the 5th to get the 9th run" you'll get a bit wiggy.
Bill:
You know I might take Tomase a bit more seriously if he didn't lead off with the pecuniary obsession, you know, counting up how much money Manny makes per second and all that.
Doug:
Yeah, it's a tad disingenuous to castigate playahs for being overly focused on salary while being obviously obsessed with dollahs and cents yourself.
Bill:
I love that anonymous sourcing, too, you know, the "According to a clubhouse source …" stuff … in this day and age that shit don't fly with the news seeking public.
Doug:
Absolutely. I half expect to read that according to an anonymous source Manny was seen flushing a Koran down a clubhouse toilet.
Steve:
Yeah, well, pardon my stoicism, but the Reds and Pirates, uh, let's see, what's the word I'm looking for, oh right -- they suck.
Bill:
Jeez, you're a real Mr. Brightside this morning? You don't feel that things are really stahting to gel for the Sox just now?
Steve:
I hope you're right. This series with 9 straight wins Cleveland is a good time to protect the "we are the champions" branding.
Bill:
No kidding, Cleveland's hottah than a Paris Hilton video at the moment.
Doug:
Is that flippin sweet or what? You can't make shit like this up.
Bill:
How appropriate considering the Yankees are the Great Major League Baseball Swindle.
Doug:
What is it Johnny Rotten used to say, "Ever get the feeling that you've been cheated"? That's what Yankees fans must be thinking these days.
Bill:
The highest payroll in baseball and they're fielding Tony Womack and Rey Sanchez? Talk about getting punked.
Bill:
Yeah, somewhere in the bowels of "Teh Stadium" a frail and dying Brian Cashman is in his pajamas riding the piss out of a magic rocking horse and yelling "Malabah, Malabah! Must sign Malabah!"
Doug:
"Am I lucky, George? Am I lucky?"
Continue reading "They felt always an anxiety in the house" »
The Red Sox sweep the Reds …
Bill:
Man, this 4 game mini win streak has put me in a most excellent mood.
Steve:
Heh. You know Shaughnessy came up with that meme over the winter and has just been beside himself having to wait to smack us with it. Surprised he held off this long, really.
Bill:
I love that bit where the CHB quotes Halberstam saying after winning it's all going to be about "individual ambition" …
Steve:
Yeah, because, you know, it's not like any individuals were known to make private profit over not winning or anything, you know like writing books about curses and shit like that.
Bill:
Irony it seems is so not fucking dead aftah all.
Bill:
Sounds to me like a sad attempt to bury the recent past and start anew.
Steve:
26 World Championships suffocated in the rubble of one horrific loss.
Bill:
Ruth built the house and A-Rod slapped it down. Beautiful.
Mike:
I find myself in a situation unfathomable a couple of weeks ago: I'm actually looking forward to his stahts now.
Mike:
Yeah, I was at the bah and wouldn't move even though my teeth were floating I had to piss so badly.
Mike:
Maybe it was that dude's way of saying he rejects the medievalism of superstition?
Susan/Circle:
Whatev. Even a strict secular humanist shouldn't take a dump in a church. You just don't mess with traditions. Besides Wells is 3 for 4 since bribing Rentaria to swap uni nums …
Mike:
As for the uni switch helping Edgahria, not so much.
Mike:
Don't even remind me. I've got the wicked jones for steamahs right about now.
Susan/Circle:
No kidding. I'm sweatin' lemon buttah ovah heah.
Continue reading "They do it down on camber sands" »
For the second night in a row, we saw the Red Sox team we've been hoping to see …
Doug:
Now that Michael Jackson has been acquitted, he can get down to the business of finding the real perp.
Doug:
No kidding. As much as I worship Manny Ramirez, there's no way I'm quitting my job to form a prayah circle with some other bozos outside the court house should Manny evah find himself a defendant in a criminal trial. Sorry, Manny …
Mike:
Yeah, Manny was getting close to be arrested for impersonating a Major League ballplayah the past couple of weeks … glad to see him getting back in his groove these last few games.
Doug:
So it's the "Fisk Pole" now. I understand the gesture and don't want to anyway besmirch the legacy of the great Cahlton, but it just doesn't feel quite right, you know?
Mike:
Absolutely. It's kinda like how you can't make up your own nickname … stuff like that just has to seed, root, and grow on its own you just can't wave an unctuous corporate wand and declare it so.
Doug:
Yep. Pesky's Pole is Pesky's Pole because that's what everyone's been calling it since like forever. There was no "formal dedication."
Mike:
The other thing that bugs me, and seems to not sit well with Fisk himself either, is that while the Sox won Game 6 in '75 they lost Game 7 and the World Series along with it.
Doug:
Right. Do we really want to continue overly dramatizing and hyping the "we are number 2!" psychosis after winning it all last yeah?
Mike:
Ah, well, we should feel fortunate, I guess, that this is really all we have to bitch about.
Steve:
And what about the slide at home?
Bill:
Oh, I'm lovin' the slide but can't shake the "what if" dread on that one. Imagine if Wake had gotten hurt?
Steve:
Yeah, any time you see Sveum doing the windmill it's involuntary sphincter clenching time.
Steve:
The thing I don't get is how all of these conditions can be true: The status quo is not acceptable and something needs to be done, but this isn't an easy situation to fix and the club isn't going to make a trade solely for the sake of making one.
Steve:
That's what made Schilling so special. He thrived with the weight of Red Sox Nation on his back all last season.
Bill:
You'd think there'd be more of that in baseball, you know, guys who more than anything want to be in the preshah cookah playing for eithah us or the Yankees.
Steve:
Yeah, if you're a 20 game winner with some bucolic la dee da team in flyover country, have you really proven yourself? Do you really want to rest on those laurels?
Bill:
Seriously, isn't that like being a star on the WB channel or being an admiral in the Canadian navy?
The Red Sox are in Chicago to face the Cubs at Wrigley starting this afternoon …
Mike:
Poor Bartman. He not only is universally despised by Cubs fans everywhere, he also has to bear the indignity of being mistaken for Jared from Subway.
Bill:
You evah wondah what would have become of Bartman had fate been cruel enough to make him a Red Sox fan sitting at Fenway when he made his now infamous interference move 5 outs from a World Series?
Mike:
Heh. Something tells me it wouldn't have been as pleasant.
Bill:
Yeah, even with this nascent perception of a "kinder and gentler" Red Sox Nation, there's quite a difference between Red Sox fans and Cubs fans.
Mike:
Totally. I've nevah bought into this Cubs' fans are our "baseball cousins" horseshit of shared pain and all that.
Bill:
Seriously. I mean we've got some fan nut jobs for certain but not in the "let me bring my special billy goat friend to the game with me" nuts.
Mike:
What a jacked up curse anyway. At least the Curse of the Bambino, for all its ridiculousness, was a good story.
Bill:
Yeah, as fah as curses go, you want something rooted in an event most folks would consider a cosmic and grave injustice, like selling the greatest playah evah.
Mike:
Absolutely. Where exactly is the villainy grave enough to inspire a curse in telling a dude with a goat fetish to hit the bricks?
Bill:
Goats have their uses but attending baseball games isn't one of them.
Mike:
Yeah, if the Cubbies were serious about this curse shit they'd take a goat and perform a bloody ritualistic sacrifice at home plate.
Bill:
You're telling me. I've always been of the belief that there are very few problems in life that can't be solved by way of ritualistic animal sacrifice.
Mike:
Of course now we've earned the scorn of PETA activists worldwide.
Bill:
And my response — Put down that tofu and get ovah heah so I can kick your vitamin deficient vegan ass.
Doug:
Hold on, I need to savor this by repeating it ovah and ovah: Wells needed only 94 pitches — 74 of them strikes — to complete eight scoreless innings
Bill:
Absolutely. Our favorite fustilug went to only one three-ball count and two two-ball counts. He threw first-pitch strikes to 23 of the 28 batters he faced. He walked no one, extending his streak of innings without a walk to 25 2/3.
Doug:
Still, not to piss in my own bathwater but Wells' two consecutive good stahts can match what Petey is doing with the Mets.
Bill:
Ah, c'mon, dude. It was nevah about what Pedro would do this yeah or even next, it was all about not wanting to lose payroll flexibility by committing millions to Pedro in the 3rd and 4th seasons of the contract he wanted.
Bill:
I suggest you'd be fah moah distraught a couple yeahs from now if the Sox adopted a "let's pay a shitload for guys who are getting long in the tooth and pray they defy the odds and don't go into a decline" modus operandi. I mean how's that shit working out for our friends in the Bronx?
The Red Sox are taken to school once again by St. Louis in a game that was never close …
Susan/Circle:
Well, we're lucky the play the World Series in Octobah, because the Red Sox get the piss taken out of them facing NL teams in summah.
Susan/Circle:
Interleague play is a rats' alley, where the dead men lose their bones …
Susan/Circle:
A total fugfest. Left me in no mood to watch the Queeah Eye makeovahs, but I Tivo'd it … I'll save the pleasure of seeing the waist up naked and prone V-Tek for when I'm in more happy place emotionally.
Mike:
Yeah, these last two games with St. Louis have satiated any latent need I have to see the Red Sox manhandled and body waxed.
Mike:
I loved this incongruous flair from his bio: "favorite food is Navajo fry bread, favorite restaurant is Olive Garden"
Susan/Circle:
You know with our national preoccupation with theme restaurants that commodify traditional cultures, I'm surprised nobody's come out with a national chain of Navajo Joe's or something.
Mike:
Absolutely. The restaurants could be shaped like big teepees and they could feature an "all the Navajo fry bread you can eat" lure to suburban pale faces and their brood.
Susan/Circle:
The tag line could be "Navajo Joe's: Come in, we're all family … except when you're forcing us off our sacred lands and giving us small pox and syphillus and shit, then, well, not so fucking much …"
The Red Sox return to St. Louis for the first time since it happened and promptly get crushed 7-1 …
Steve:
Someone at SoSH summed up last night's game perfectly: " We got 4-hit by Dr. Richard Kimball and his fake beard."
Doug:
Heh. Yeah and the Sox were like a guy with one arm at the plate.
Steve:
But, you know, no biggie. This was just another game in the season, right?
Steve:
Absolutely. Nobody but nobody shuts out the mofo World Champs, I tell you what.
Bill:
Would have preferred a sweep, but taking 2 of 3 from the AL West leading Angels feels good for shua.
Mike:
The bullpen yesterday, for the first time this yeah, reminded me of last season's comfort level. Call to the pen with a lead? Lights out.
Bill:
Absolutely. I'd totally forgotten what that feels like.
Bill:
That Ray Millah quote gets Boggsie exactly: "He'd get to two strikes and he'd start fouling off pitch after pitch. He looked like a guy sorting through the mail looking for a check."
Mike:
I was just a kid when Boggs was in his prime with the Sox, but I always remembah my old man being critical, saying he was "selfish" and "only good for singles."
Bill:
Yeah, he wasn't universally loved that's for certain, rare that a Red Sox playah is after all, but if Boggsie were to come up in today's OBP obsessed era, he'd be lauded … numbah 26 was way ahead of his time.
Bill:
Absolutely. What a friggin melodic bottom of the 9th … Renteria's unexpected, dissonant embellishment with the bunt followed by the cymbal and timpani crash of Big Papi's walkoff.
Doug:
Music to my mofo ears, well, except for Foulke playing out of tune.
Bill:
Half-empty, half-full … But one thing I think we both can agree on: It's time to face the music and admit the Baltimore Orioles are "for real."
Bill:
Pretty typical Wake, though, he's had a couple of these rough patches every season he's been with the club.
Bill:
Probably doesn't help, that's for sure. Sorta like it doesn't help the offense has gone 4 straight without a homah for the first time since August last yeah.
Steve:
All I know is every day I have to endure seeing the Orioles in first place is torture … it's like being in a frickin' gulag.
Bill:
Hello Amnesty International? Get your sorry asses ovah heah and feel our motherfucking Red Sox fan pain.
Wade Miller pitches a gem and the Red Sox beat the Orioles 5 to 1 …
Susan/Circle:
Blah blah blah Deep Throat whah whah whah Watergate yappity yappity yap Woodward and Bernstein … Ah, hello? Who gives a shit?
Mike:
Yeah, I mean what do you have to be a Viagra popping geezer to give a rat's ass about something that long ago? And they say Red Sox fans like to live in the past?
Susan/Circle:
If the news is going to be talking about Nixon they bettah mean Trot effin' Nixon … Know what I'm sayin'?
Mike:
And if we're going to talk about coverups, let's talk about how Wade Miller had the Orioles hitters guessing.
Mike:
Yeah, but let's make sure they are put away for good. I don't want to hear that "low, dull, quick, sound" of the still beating haht beneath the AL East floorboards come Septembah.
