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The quest for first place suffers a temporary setback as the Sox get beaten back by the Orioles, but …
Lisa the Temp:
Yes, Lisa the Temp again to tell you The Soxaholix are too busy because of shortened week at day job to talk about the Red Sox.
Lisa the Temp:
What? Did you say something? I hope I didn't hear you bitching. You got a weekend strip and a holiday strip, right?
Lisa the Temp:
If there's any bitching to do around here I'll be the one doing it. Look at this flipping computer they stick me with? Oh, I see, I'm just the temp. Why would a temp need more than 4 keys on her computer?
Lisa the Temp:
I Ctrl+Alt+Del all your sorry full time with benefits asses to hell.
Tara from home:
Ah, yet again, Theo and his gang of stats geeks appear smarter than the average fan. Imagine that?
Bill from home:
Heh. Except for that first inning, Wells was a frickin monstah.
Bill from home:
And just as good was the offense in all three games. Talk about having good eyes, 51 hits in just 3 games?! Wow.
Bill from home:
Absolutely. And as we bask in our own resplendence, let's not forget to give thanks on this Memorial Day to all brave folks who've paid the ultimate sacrifice for our country.
Tara from home:
Righteous.
Bill from home:
No friggin joke. People like LaRussa thinks we're a bunch of A-Holes as fans because of our expectations, but we more than any one want so much for a playah like Edgah to succeed.
Bill from home:
Loved seeing all those Yankees fans streaming out of the Stadium in the 7th.
Doug:
Absolutely, but it'll be Pyrrhic victory if the Sox get beat tonight.
Bill from home:
I've got a good feeling about our favorite fustilugs Wells.
Doug:
Wells with the rookie Kelly Shoppach catching in his first Major League staht … prepayah yourself for destiny.
Boston is swept by Toronto …
Bill:
Jeez, when I said I'd give the club a mulligan this season aftah winning the World Series, somehow, you know, 4th place isn't what I had in mind.
Bill:
1997 when the Sox finished in 4th and boy bands ruled the radio airwaves? Fuck, I want none of that, none of that I tell you.
Bill:
The Red Sox need a collective MMMBop on the head.
Bill:
Moneyball has so fucking jumped the shahk.
Doug:
Yeah, like "the internet" is a being that gets immaculately conceived and then, lo and fucking behold, gives birth to anotha rumah.
Mike:
Speaking of, our own beloved Red Sox act like their auditioning for a paht in the next zombie movie.
Doug:
Wondah what it's going to feel like to root for a 4th place team?
Mike:
We may find out as soon as this weekend. Not that I'm being fucking negative or anything.
Mike:
Toronto hits for the cycle in the 4th!? A 6.81 ERA!? 52 hits in 37 innings!? Talk about a case of flusterpation.
Susan/Circle:
I'm still trying to figure out what Theo and his band of geeky paste eatahs were thinking when they signed Wells.
Mike:
This season is shaping up like last season … on again off again glimpses of greatness but mostly mediocre .500 play thru early summah.
Susan/Circle:
And that's the bitch isn't it? I mean aftah what happened last yeah how can one get too freaked out about anything this yeah?
Mike:
This "wait and see glass half full don't panic" it a lot fucking hahdah than it looks.
Susan/Circle:
It goes against our collective na-cha.
Mike:
It creates a metastasizing emotional conundrum.
Susan/Circle:
It's a nightmare of relativism from which I cannot awake.
Mike:
How do people live like this?
Susan/Circle:
The happy-go-lucky state of being is so fucking overrated.
Doug:
We had the snowiest wintah evah, now the coldest spring evah and our second "freak" nor'estah in May … Who the fuck knew hell freezing ovah would have such adverse effects on the local conditions?
Bill:
If that's the price we have to pay for winning it all, then let it rain and snow all summah.
Bill:
You know you've almost gotta feel bad for columnists like Murray Chass as every day they get sucked further into the black hole of irrelevance with the public.
Bill:
I remembah writing Shaughnessy an email back in mid 90s, back when the web was just getting going, to take issue with something he said and the prick writes back, I'll never forget it, he wrote back with "If you're so smart, why don't you get a job like mine and get your own column?"
Doug:
Ah, the hubris of these guys. You think the CHB still responds to readers that way considering that a whole bunch of smart fans did start their own columns by way of blogs?
Bill:
I suspect the egos of these columnists are too lahge to make them realize that these days when I want to read opinion and analysis of the Yankees, I'm not going to look to a Murray Chass but to a Cliff Corcoran.
Doug:
Right, just like we turn to Allan Wood or Surviving Grady or any number of the Red Sox bloggers for our daily dish these days instead of the homogenized, agenda ridden, same old Newsak crap guys like Shaughnessy peck out.
Bill:
Yeah, whether it's Newsweek making up stories about Quoran flushing or someone in the Boston media cherry picking playah quotes to create a fictional storyline, the game is up. Enjoy your irrelavancy. fellas.
The Red Sox took 2 of 3 from the Braves, but a vocal contingent of the Nation is losing patience with Edgar Renteria …
Mike:
So the boo birds are roosting on Renteria's struggles big time.
Doug:
But it's not just the bat woes it's the 8 errors and no evidence of speed that has us thinking Theo laid his second turd with this signing.
Mike:
You know that hit he gave up to the Mets' reliever Koo was only Koo's second at bat since Little League?
Mike:
Beatiful. Buck 'n' McCarvah and Johnson both spanked. Thank your favorite supreme being for life's little miracles.
Bill:
You know Bob Ryan is one of my favorite sportswriters, but, is it me or did his column today just not make any sense?
Mike:
It's a column in search of a thesis. Is it everyone outside of the Boston/New York corridor is sick of the rivalry? Or is it that the "times are different today"? Or is that the Orioles were once good, then they sucked for yeahs, now they might be good again so we should be calling into EEI saying deep down we want to give a friendly guy slap on the ass to Mike Flanagan?
Bill:
No shit, and if things were so different back in the so-called day, then why did fans have to "secretly" admire the Canadians or Orioles? Doesn't that suggest a, pardon my French, Plus Ça Change, Plus C'est La Même Chose situation?
Mike:
And you can tell when a columnist or anyone else is getting long in the tooth when they say something like "it wasn't so long ago" and then they bring up 1966? Not so long ago? For fuck's sake that's nearly 4 decades ago.
Bill:
Yeah, it wasn't so long ago that we were at war with the Japanese now they play on our baseball teams. So, Bob, "where did we go wrong" with that one?
Bill:
Meanwhile the Orioles fall from being the "gold standahd" to being an also ran over the last 20 yeahs or so didn't have anything to do with having Angelos as manager or horrible front office decisions, no, it's all because of the rich Red Sox and Yankees.
Bill:
Absolutely. So forgive me if I don't get all moist in the eyes like Ryan when I see the Baltimore Orioles temporarily in first place in the AL East.
David Wells doesn't make it through 2 innings giving up 9 hits and 7 runs before getting lifted …
Steve:
I'm so friggin glad David Wells rushed right back into the rotation, we sure as hell need his help.
Steve:
His fullness looms like a room full of obsolete tools.
Steve:
Yeah, but what if the 86 year drought was from not having enough red? When did the Sox introduce the Sunday red jersey, 2003?
Doug:
Holy coincidences, Batman, 5 outs from the World Series in 2003 and winning the whole shabang in 2004 and due to red jerseys on home Sundays?
Steve:
Some curly haired guy should write a book about this intriguing phenomenon.
Doug:
Yeah, and call it "The Curse of the Red Herring."
Mike:
It's that "staying in the zone" thing that gives me the most optimism so fah this season.
Tara:
Absolutely. Last night's game is a great example. They couldn't get any Zito pitches to hit, so they just worked him over with plate patience and hitter's discipline.
Mike:
The result? Only 4 measly hits but 11 just-as-good-as-singles walks and the 7-5 win.
Tara:
That's what you call TheoBall, The Sequel, Revenge of the O.B.P-wan-kenobi.
Bill:
Boo fucking hoo. Guy should try being a Red Sox fan. They have to do with 99% of my life and often I'm not thrilled with that.
Bill:
It's a fucking oppressive hegemony of frustration. I feel so hopeless, so emasculated, so, er, Danish, when Mark Bellhorn whiffs, Johnny Damon whiffs, and Edgar Renteria lays a pop job aftah 3 on and no outs.
Doug:
In my nation everything has to do with leaving men on base. This leaving men on base is sort of sitting on the world.
Bill:
Fuck yeah it is. The world is a dahk and sinahstah place when men are left on base.
The Sox are a dissapointment versus the Mariners, while the Yankees' streak continues …
Marty:
Hey, Callaghan, don't look behind you lest you realize that one, your middle aged ass gets fatter every day, and two something might be gaining on you.
Bill:
Ah, Mahty, all that money spent on a sex therapist yet you're still premature, eh? Your Yankees, last time I checked, just crawled their way back to .500 … that's not a lot to crow about.
Marty:
The Yankees may only be at .500 but when all is said and done they're also only 3 and a half back of your self-proclaimed "idiots." Sleeping well, Billy Boy? [Laughs]
Bill:
8 in a row against mediocre competition, I'm sleeping fine, thanks.
Marty:
Ah, Callaghan, I wouldn't throw away that Xanax script just yet … the Yankees have gone 8 and 1 against Oakland and Seattle while the Red Sox have gone, what is now, 6 and 3, facing the same easy competition. Pleasant dreams?
Bill:
Great, Mahty. You just keep looking at what has been and I'll keep looking forward to what will be. One club is ascending while anotha is descending. I think we both know which is which.
Marty:
Whatevs, Callaghan. I'll see you in October.
The Red Sox set out on a West Coast swing …
Bill:
Gotta love the mid week off day for travel … gives ya a chance to catch a breath, step back and evaluate
Doug:
Yes, the first West Coast trip of the season, where many dreams have withahd through the yeahs.
Bill:
I'm surprised the Sox don't visit La Ciudad de Nuestra Señora, Reina de Los Angeles de Porciuncula Angels until August.
Doug:
Yeah, I always look forward to seeing that dude K-Rod in his Mr. Magoo glasses.
Doug:
Ah, yes, the bring back "the greatest pitcha evah" meme. Right on schedule.
Bill:
Truth is I'd love to see Clemens in a Boston uni again, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna write him little love notes or fawn like an awkward high school girl with a tremulous haht sitting by the phone waiting to get asked to prom by the class jock.
Doug:
No shit. Can't you just see it? The stories of Theo having dinnah with Rogah and Debbie and their k-k-k-kids, the "I've always loved the fans of Boston and their tradition and passion" sound bites …
Bill:
Yeah, Gammons on ESPN saying the deal is 99.99% done, DirtDogs photoshopping Clemens in a Sox uniform and then …
Doug:
Clemens signs with the motherfucking Yankees.
Bill:
You know it. I know it. We all effin' know it.
Susan/Circle:
He of the golden gluteus, Mr. maximus, sturdy man ass of my dildo dreams, comes through again.
Susan/Circle:
But Tek's l33t skilz go beyond his perfectly sculpted, proof that God is a woman backside and his walkoffs.
Susan/Circle:
And though Foulke is giving me the mofo heebie jeebies, El Captitano says, "He's going to be fine." Conclusion: Foulke will be fine.
Steve:
Arroyo again … Now wins in 15 of Saturn Nuts last 15 starts.
Doug:
Good thing, too, as I've got this sinking feeling Schilling is going to be a long time gone.
Doug:
Had ta figya there'd be some cosmic payback price to pay for The Bloody Sock heroics last Octobah.
Steve:
Cosmic payback is such a bitch.
Steve:
Live by the juice; die by the juice.
Steve:
Why Samantha and not Darrin? Bunch of sexist wiccans.
Doug:
No shit. Samantha was willing to give up her witchy ways to live the life of a mortal in suburban Connecticut all because of the dude, Darrin Stevens.
Steve:
And he was a skinny spastic uptight weird fucker too.
Doug:
Hot wife with a funky nose waiting for you everyday in a sleveless dress at 1164 Morning Glory Circle with a martini in hand at 5 o'clock … Darrin so fucking rules.
The Red Sox continue to get it done, winners of 6 of their last 7 …
Mike:
Geez, Tim Wakefield is on a roll this year … 4-1, 3.42 ERA …
Mike:
Meanwhile, are the Spankees digging themselves out of their early season grave -- 3 wins in a row.
Bill:
No friggin' biggie … As a dude on SoSH posts, " If you can't win an occasional 3-in-a-row with $15,419,815, $19,000,000, and $15,714,286 pitching, I'd say you have some problems."
Mike:
Fuck yeah. They were pythagorean 89-90 win team last year, but managed to catch every break imaginable until Octobah, and this yeah's Yankees aren't as good as last's.
Bill:
85 wins. No playoffs. That's my gut on the Mystique and Aura, er, I mean McStink and Horror show from the Bronx.
Bill:
Abso-fucking-lutely because, you know, the Yankees, according to Rojah, are "all about winning" and shit.
Mike:
Fuck yeah they are … except of course when they got bitch slapped by Arizona in 2001, punked by the Angels in 2002, bent ovah and made to squeal like a pig by the Marlins in 2003, and then given four straight golden showahs by, ah, who was that again in 2004? [Laughs]
Bill:
Clemens is too busy counting his money to notice that Torre's Spank and Yank are 0 for this century.
Bill:
Why does losing the second game of a double headah feel worse than losing a regulah single game?
Bill:
Absolutely. I'm not complaining, just wanted that second game, too. But 18-13 at this point and a 97 win pace? I'll take it.
Bill:
Two and a half behind Baltimore, a team whose only distinguishing feacha is that they are full of shit.
Doug:
Yeah, like all bullshitahs, they have a complete indifference to how things really ah -- namely that they are a .500 club at best.
Rider on Green Line:
Arroyo is so on fiah right now, his own teammates are glad they don't have to face him … Youks calls him "deadly"
Bill:
Absolutely. And 5 and 2 on the road trip? I'll take it.
Bill:
I hate when rainouts derail the momentum train … Things are going so well right now.
Rider on Green Line:
Yeah, even with Manny slumping, Schilling and Wells on the DL, Renteria looking awkward and stiff. Foulke being very un-Foulke … still I'm feeling fine.
Bill:
All that good and the Yankees gorgonized and tied for last place in wins and first place in team meetings.
Rider on Green Line:
I heard The U.S. Geological Survey has just issued a statement saying anyone in the vicinity of Volcano Steinbrenner should hasten activity to protect life and property as an eruption is certain and imminent.
Bill:
The anticipation of seeing George go all ape shit is killing me, I tell you, just killing me.
Rider on Green Line:
Get our your Member's Only jacket and your Flock of Seagulls cassettes out, it's retro 80s night in New York.
Bill:
Don't look now but the Sox have won 4 out of the last 5.
Doug:
Didn't Youkilis get called up, oh, 5 games ago? Coincidence? I think not.
Doug:
Are you kidding me? Youks is a mofo Jewish hitting machine.
Bill:
Note to the anti-semite, Holocaust denying, intifada pricks: I don't see any Arabs slugging .600 … I'm just sayin' …
Doug:
Yeah, hello, PLO? Send us a couple of hot hitting prospects then we'll see about getting you Palestinian statehood.
Doug:
Dude, you are so begging for a Dhimmitude smack down.
OK, we tried to resist but couldn't take it anymore, so get your gloat on …
Mike:
Who is Kevin Brown?
Mike:
Brown is 0 fer 4 with an 8.25 ERA … Pass the blueberry jam, I smell toast.
Susan/Circle:
I'm so glad Pope George issued that encyclical a few weeks ago to turn things around for the Yankees. They've gone 7-8 since. Wicked mystique. Wicked awe.
Susan/Circle:
And all this belly flopping after stahting the season with one of the easiest schedules in the AL — They've played 17 of their first 25 in the Bronx but only have a 7-10 home record to show for it.
Susan/Circle:
I'm feeling that oh so good schadenfreude tingle.
Continue reading "Pass the jam" »
Mike:
Embree says they "just have to get settled in and get comfortable."
Doug:
Of course, I mean it's not like 6 fucking weeks of Spring Training and the entire month of April is enough time to get settled in and get comfortable. You can't fucking rush this comfort shit is what I always say.
Mike:
Yeah, by all means take as long as you need to reach a propah comfort level. Leading the division is so fucking overrated anyway.
Doug:
And what of the leaving a season-high 13 men on base and hitting just 3 for 16 with runners in scoring position?
Doug:
Yeah, and if only they played on the moon, bloop singles would turn into, er, moon shots …
The Red Sox win the series in Texas, and The Soxaholix introduce a new character, Steve Xiang …
Steve:
Did you see that stats chart in the latest Gammons? Teams with a May 1st winning percentage in the .500 to .549 range only go on to make the playoffs 1 in 4 times.
Bill:
Yeah, Steve, and prior to last October the chahts woulda shown that no teams down 0 and 3 in a playoff series evah came back and won 4 straight … so forgive me if I take a whizz all ovah your chaht.
Bill:
Yeah, like the "missing" bride, Edgah's seems to be stressing a bit … though everyone seems to think that in time he'll be all ovah the ball like Paula Abdul on Corey Clark.
Steve:
Reminds me, I'm so fucking glad my Asian immigrant parents worked shit jobs 80 hours a week their whole lives so I could live the American Dream and wrestle with important issues of the day like "Why happened to Jennifer?" and "Is Paula a jailbaiting ho?"
Steve:
Who the fuck knew this is what founding father Jefferson had in mind by a "pursuit of happiness"?
