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Tara:
He had a terrible 2004 with Tampa, never throwing well, a 6.98 ERA … The D-Rays released him in December.
Bill:
Released from Tampa? Ah, Christ, I'm about to animadvert ovah heah …
Tara:
Possible neutralizer to your animus: Baseball Prospectus indicates Gonzalez missed some time last season to finalize a divorce in Venezuela, which might have had something to do with his awful performances.
Bill:
Yeah, nothing like an ugly Venezuelan divorce to eff up your stuff.
Tara:
BP gives him a 48% chance to improve, a 23% for a breakout season, and a 21% of collapse …
Bill:
A 7 in 10 probability that he at least gets bettah? I'll take it. Not that I have much choice.
Mike:
Usual disclaimah about "it's early yet blah blah blah" but is Foulke fucked or what?
Doug:
There's nothing, nothing that unnerves me more than not being able to trust your closah … Fuck, I can't even talk about it.
Doug:
Exactly! Do we really need 8 fucking relievahs ovah the next two weeks?
Mike:
Hey, don't fucking second guess Theo. This rostah will kick your shitty ass in a 23 inning game and don't you forget it.
Continue reading "I'm not hearing enough cowbell from the bullpen" »
Boston loses to first place Baltimore and drops to 11-8 on the season …
Mike:
So how do you think Affleck explained to the dimply faced Jen Garner that her engagement ring was a full 1.6 carats smaller than the one he got J-Lo?
Bill:
Ah, probably the same fucking way the Red Sox spun the David Wells signing to us …
Mike:
Bunch of love struck believe anything shit heads that we are.
Doug:
Yeah, this "you plunk me, I plunk you" thing has become standahd when the two clubs meet. Remembah the famous Ryan Rupe game when he hit Nomah right square in the back?
Doug:
Well, Pinella is fucking insane.
Bill:
You gotta figure managing or playing for the D-Rays would drive anyone ovah the edge … last place every year, stingy ownahs, small market, your home field doubles as a climate controlled mall … Fuck, I'm ready to start tossing beanballs just thinking about it.
Susan/Circle:
So in the off season Theo and company spent money, some say overspent to sign Varitek thereby leaving the team fiscally unable to resign high priced FA pitchers Martinez and Lowe.
Mike:
Yeah, and how's that shit working out again?
Mike:
The stahtahs have gone 48 innings with just six earned runs for a 1.16 ERA.
Susan/Circle:
So fah, so good. Theo looking like a genius again …
Mike:
And don't forget Wade Miller on rehab up in Portland.
Mike:
Hell yeah I do, as long as we can detour onto Route 1 in York so I can inhale 5 or so Flo Dogs.
Mike:
Jesus, I know New Englandahs, especially Mainahs, like to hold on to and appreciate the past and all, but motorcycle gangs? The Outlaws? The Hells Angels? Hello 1970!
Susan/Circle:
What do you suppose motorcycle gangs in Maine fight ovah anyway? Who can chop, cut and stack the most cord wood?
Mike:
Yeah, I picture big leathah clad guys sporting lobstah tatoos on their backs and shit.
Susan/Circle:
And they're all coming in with the trash talk, all "Ayuh, you wicked gawmy bastahd, I'm gonna crack you open like a quahog."
Boston beats Baltimore 8-0 …
Rider on Green Line:
Now that he's had two consecutive impressive stahts, I'm finally feel comfortable referring to Wells as "Boomah"
Mike:
Ouch. Shit, you know, I hope the best for Nomah, but can anyone say that this latest injury comes as a surprise? It was a mattah of "when" not "if"
Rider on Green Line:
Absolutely. And the same goes for Pedro.
Mike:
I know. Dude's shoulder will have him on the DL by labah day sure as shit.
Rider on Green Line:
My gut tells me D-Lowe is going to be the lone guy from the '04 team who kicks total ass in '05.
Mike:
Hope so. I seriously wouldn't wish "the Derek Lowe Face" on the fans of any team, well, almost any.
Rider on Green Line:
Goes without saying …
Bill:
Beautiful. That quote should be carved in stone above libraries and city halls and shit as a testament to all that is good and glorious.
Doug:
Absolutely. Let's recall Wakefield's Red Sox haaht and old school values the next time the quacks in sports media punditry begin the "today's ballplayahs are eeevil" hue and cry.
Doug:
Yeah, can you believe he went on record saying that when the visiting team is batting fans should reach in and interfere with the play and shit just don't do it when the Sox are up.
Bill:
Too bad Schilling isn't Catholic, he'd make a perfect going-medieval-on-your-ass Papa.
Doug:
Fuck yeah he would. Can you imagine?
Bill:
Yeah, yeah, he'd be all, that "Thou Shall Not Kill" bit doesn't apply to the other wrong god fucks like those prick Huguenots.
Doug:
Yeah, Pope Montague de Sangre Sockus the First would be all issuing encyclicals to command the faithful to get their raggedy one true church asses out there and start killing heathens and infidels and what not.
Bill:
Summon your inquisitors and lay a mofo smite down. That's what I'm encyclicalanating about fercrissakes.
After a picture perfect Patriots Day Holiday …
Lisa the Temp:
It's me again, Lisa the Temp, and you know what that means …
Lisa the Temp:
No Soxaholix today … I guess they got too caught up in Nerd Night.
Lisa the Temp:
Must be nice to have sick days and have health insurance and crap.
Bill from home:
Yeah, maybe if they weren't so busy being disparagahs of the web they'd realize how nobody puts accurate info into those silly registration pages.
Tara from home:
As far as Boston dot com knows, I was born in 1918, I'm retired, I live in poverty in Uzbekistan, my email address is sodoff@mailinator.com and my favorite section of the Globe is "real estate."
Bill from home:
Happy Patriots Day!
Bill:
Yeah, the only downside of winning the World Series is that the ass clown contingent probably quadrupled and they feel emboldened towahd ever more stupid behaviah.
Tara:
Honestly, I've never understood the fascination some fans have for getting a game ball. Trying to get hold of a foul while in your seat is one thing, but this clawing out of the stands like a zombie looking for brain to eat is pathetic and sad.
Bill:
These are the greedy, gluttonous, deprived of mothah's breast as kids loosahs who love the all you can eat buffets and go back for thirds because, you know, they want their money's worth and shit.
Tara:
Meanwhile, who'd have ever guessed that Gary Sheffield of all people had the presence of mind to not go all Ron Artest on their asses.
Bill:
Ovah 6 games with the Yankees, an even split. 2005 continues where 2004 left off.
Curt Schilling's first start doesn't go quite as well as expected …
Bill:
Schilling says fatigue was not the cause of his "yanking a slider and hanging a split" to Giambi and Williams …
Rider on Green Line:
It's not in Schilling's makeup to admit weakness or pass blame.
Bill:
Yeah, Schilling could lose 4 straight to the Yankees and there won't be any "Daddy" talk.
Bill:
No shit. And if he wasn't a major league pitcher he'd have gone into medicine. Can't you just imagine Dr. Martinez?
Rider on Green Line:
Yeah, patient comes out of routine surgery doing the Schiavo for life after something goes horribly amiss and Dr. Petey would be all, "fucking nurses weren't helping me enough."
Bill:
Meanwhile, Mr. Nelson is missing and needs help fercrissakes.
Rider on Green Line:
Poor fucking Nelson. Won't somebody in authority fiah up a frickin' "Ambah Alert" or something. Jeez.
Bill:
Remembah the good old days when hack sports columnists who were suffering writer's block would dip into the old "Red Sox fans are such whiners" or "Red Sox fans identify themselves with pain and loss" bin of cliched storylines?
Mike:
Yep, but now it's all a scramble to come up with a new hackneyed mail-it-in column and it seems all they've can derive is the "you're annoying us with being so cocky and happy" …
Mike:
Yeah, Memo to ESPN: Before you create a Page 3 and shit you ought to, you know, be able fill Page 2 up without repeating yourself.
Bill:
My favorite from the "86 reasons" was numbah 5: "Curt Schilling's bloody sock. Hockey players mock this."
Mike:
Oh, yes, those supah tough hockey playahs. But hey, if they're so fierce and shit, how come they have a union that is getting twice daily bitch slapped by the NHL owners? How's that fucking canceled season working out for teh ice warriors?
Bill:
Yeah, fucking hockey … they didn't skate a minute this year and no one but a couple hundred drunk Canadians even noticed.
Bill:
You know, and speaking of writers dishing the same old trite themes ovah and ovah, I think if I hear or read one more "turn the page, close the door, time to put 2004 behind us, the real season starts now" stories I'm going to go all Thich Quang Duc.
The Red Sox unfurl the championship banner and go on to beat the Yankees 8-1 …
Doug:
For only the second time in my life, I am without speech, devoid of words, struck with silence …
Mike:
What a ceremony. DiMaggio, the 87 year old Bobby Doerr, Frank Malzone, Jim Lonborg, Yaz, Jim Rice, Oil Can Boyd …
Doug:
Bill Russell, Tedy Bruschi, Richard Seymour, and score numbah fowah Bobby Orr!
Mike:
Are you kidding me? I cried like the homely schoolgirl aftah she got asked to prom.
Doug:
Who knew winning would bring more teahs than losing evah did?
The Sox finally get to open at home after a dissapointing 2 and 4 season opening road trip …
Bill:
I know. Where Tampa Bay's are just in poor taste, Toronto's are an ornithological abomination.
Doug:
Seriously. How do you fuck up something as perfectly simple as a blue jay? Add some metallic embossed font and bird's head all looking beady eyed and cranked out.
Bill:
No shit. It's like they got embarrassed after the fact that they went with a blue jay mascot so had to add some cholo graffiti artist street cred to it.
Doug:
If your mascot is a song bird, you just can't come along and try to trick that shit out.
Bill:
Seriously. Show the bird some fucking respect, will ya?
Doug:
Look at St. Louis? Look at Baltimore? That's how you fucking represent your fine feathered friend.
Doug:
If evolution had favored a beady eyed fucked up looking flesh tearing carnivorous blue jay, then that's what we'd have.
Bill:
The saddest fucking thing is this notion of "rebranding" a ball club.
Doug:
Yeah, yeah, it's like, "Our team has been shitty for several years now and the fans aren't coming out to the pahk. What can we do to change this?"
Bill:
Spend money on free agents? Develop the farm system?
Bill:
Absolutely brilliant. And make the blue jay all fierce looking and shit. That'll work.
Mike:
Hey, now, Michelle Mangan is a newsmakah and an important piece of the Red Sox as royalty media bubble. That she is, er, buxom and in what appears to be a permanent state of nipple arousal is purely coincidental. If anything, we are not seeing enough of this wonderful woman.
Susan/Circle:
Ah, yes, a role model of sorts, a g-string to riches story, the little pole dancah who could …
Mike:
Oh, yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
Mike:
Ah, yes, the all important distance running to pitching prowess correlation. I'm still waiting for Bill James or Voros McCracken to come out with some statistical data on that one.
Good thing nobody panicked …
Mike:
No kidding! Despite taking 2 of 3 from the Red Sox, there can't be a whole lot of joy in Spankeefanville this morning.
Bill:
Is that 4 straight blow jobs Rivera has given up against the Sox?
Bill:
Can you say "manhandled"?
Mike:
Fuck yeah. There hasn't been this much handling of man since the cops shut down the Thrillah's Neverland Fondle Ranch.
Mike:
Yeah, that and Slappy the Ass Clown unable to field a routine double play ball that would have stopped Rivera's bleeding.
Bill:
The boo's that erupted out of the Stadium made such a beautiful sound … pure music for the ears.
Mike:
Call that tune the "Mo [Used to Be] Bettah Blues."
Facing the Yankees, the Sox lose a blowout on Sunday and a close one on Tuesday …
Bill:
I'm just so fucking glad I no longah panic and shit.
Bill:
That neithah of our stahtahs got past the 5th inning? No fucking sweat.
Bill:
Right, totally cleah your head of negative thoughts.
Doug:
Negative thoughts are like a giant dildo in the dark working its way into my pleasant no panic mind-ass-hole. I will have no paht of it.
Doug:
Good lord! Would someone please demythologize me!
Susan/Circle:
So on Regis and Kelly our man Johnny Damon said he hopes the team can "relax" and then win some games you know because I guess they are all uptight and shit.
Mike:
Yeah, those World Series trophy tours are fucking demanding both mentally and physically. And dealing with all that fan adulation? A dude can't relax with all that presshah.
Mike:
Oh, no kidding. That Carson is one bitch of a taskmastah. Now in addition to fielding routine fly balls, guys like Johnny have to worry about hair product and chest waxing and pimping their cribs and shit. It's a motherfuck of stress.
Susan/Circle:
Plus, our poor, already uptight Johnny Damon has the added presshah of pleasing his new bride.
Susan/Circle:
I continue to mahval at the composhah and poise these playahs exhibit even undah the most demanding conditions.
Mike:
I know, I just can't say it enough: These guys are supah human.
According to plan, the Red Sox lose their 4th consecutive season opener …
Doug:
Yeah, the only problem is even in his final barely alive days, JP2 was more animated than the lifeless Red Sox last night.
Doug:
Absolutely. And speaking of the culture of life can somebody wake Congress the fuck up and tell them we need an emergency injunction to get the Red Sox feeding tube reinserted?
Bill:
Hell yeah. Even the brain dead Johnny Damon has a right to go 0 for 4 with dignity fercrissakes.
Doug:
Something tells me Senorita Cruz would send the same message as Randy Johnson's fastball, all "You can look, Johnny, but you no touch."
Mike:
Holy shit! Just when you think you've seen it all and can't be surprised anymore with the weird as fuck ideas people come up with.
Mike:
So is this nut sack bloatation a fetish thing? A sex thing? A 'look at me!' attention getting thing? A protest thing?
Doug:
What am I all of a sudden the scrotal cellulitis expert or something? How the fuck would I know what drives these nut sack nut jobs? [Laughs] Dude, what do you think drives one to jack the jewels?
Mike:
I'm totally thinking it's an attention getting, want to be special and different at all costs, lack of self-esteem driven thingy.
Doug:
Makes sense, Dr. Phil. Sort of like how guys like Eddie Andelman or Tony Massarotti are starting the 'Red Sox Suck' meme to be all edgy and controversial and shit?
Mike:
Well, you know what they say: Those who can inflate their scrotums, do; Those who can't, get jobs as Boston sports bloviators.
