Doug's Deep Thoughts

The airwaves are full of the Pedro Martinez telenovela, but one can always tune it out and drift off into another world …

Voice from car radio:
… and in the Silverman column Pedro says, "Still, with an off-year, I'm way over Schilling as a pitcher …"

 

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Doug thinking to himself:
For fuck's sake why can't Pedro just shut up already. For double fuck's sake why do I even listen to this shit?

 

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Voice from car radio:
" … And they should have thought about the rest of the stuff and not just Curt Schilling and his personal catcher…"

 

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Doug thinking to himself:
Wonder if that shit who nailed Pedro in the noggin during the parade was fucking prescient or something?

 

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Voice from car radio:
Getting back to, uh, something Dan wrote, Pedro said Minaya is a man of his word. Pedro said that a couple of times, right? The inference was, one can only surmise, that, uh, that John W. Henry, Larry Lucchino, and Theo Epstein are not men of their word. …

 

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Doug thinking to himself:
Maybe that grassy knoll ball hurler wasn't an errand boy sent by grocery clerks, maybe he was a fucking time traveler? Maybe he knew Pedro was going to come out with this nastiness?

 

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Doug thinking to himself:
If I had a time machine, I'd travel back in time to nail chicks just before they become famous. Like that Kelly Clarkson chick. Fuck yeah. Pop outta my time machine, what, 3, 4 months before she ever auditions for Idol? Bitch'd still be small town nobody and all then and I'd be all wining and dining her wannabee famous pear shaped ass.

 

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Doug thinking to himself:
Ah, fuck, that wouldn't work because I'd be getting arrested for the delinquency of a minor and all. No, I need a bettah time machine. A bad ass mofo that can also dial up what age you want to be when you arrive. Step out of the time machine all 17 and shit (with the time machine set on "no teenage acne mode" of course) …

 

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Doug thinking to himself:
Oh, yeah, me and the pre-famous Kelly Clarkson on her parent's couch while the rest of the family is at church. Boom chicka waa waaa, boom chicka chicka boom chicka waa waaaaa …

 

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Comments

[Tatiana]

You are excellent :)

I tell ya, if it weren't for the fact that thinking about the Red Sox inevitably leads to thinking about some type of sex... I wouldn't have my webpage!

[MRh]

Hilarious. Good stuff dude.

[mltv69]

hell yeah, Kelly Clarkson is way hot!!!!! I saw her when she came don to perform at San Diego, California and saw her up close and personal. She is the hottest piece of ass I seen in many years; she is cute , and has a lovely butt. Oh yeah, Go Red Sox!!!!!! and like Nomah, Pedro is now on my "thanks for palying for Boston, but now get the hell out" list. Repeat on 2005!!!!!!

[da kine]

I need to know: why waste the genius time-travelling riff on Kelly Clahkson? I mean, she's cute and all, but she's no Jennifer Garner. Jennie gives me one more reason to hate that poof Ben Affleck. I know I'm married, Ms. Garner, but I think if you got to know me...

[Empyreal]

Don't forget that Martinez is trying to woo Varitek to the Mets. Never mind that Piazza is still there, can't play 1B, I will probably have to remain C. What a warm and fuzzy clubhouse the Metropolitans will have in 2005.

[Robert (00:05)]

I think you would have to travel from further in the future to be sure of plunking Pedro from that range. I suppose it could mean that there are an infinite number of parallel universes and in most the guy misses, I guess that we are truly blessed

[h.b.]

"why waste the genius time-travelling riff on Kelly Clahkson?"

For Doug's premise to work, he'd need to find a pre-famous chick who was really, really itching to get out of her small town, destined for trailer park life, and become a celeb. Needs to be someone naive and hungry for attention.

This is Kelly Clarkson's backstory exactly.

I'm not sure about Jen Garner. I don't know that much about her history.

Doug's idea wouldn't work with someone like Paris Hilton, who's always been in if not celebrity at least an upper crust social circle who'd have no need of Doug, time machine or otherwise. Britney Spears and Xtina are both out, too, as they have been on the celebrity career track since being kids.

[chaglang]

Faith Hill moved to Nashville from god-knows-where and was selling concert t-shirts out of a van when she was 21. (I guess I watch a lot of VH1) If she's not time machine worthy, no one is.

[Chris]

Dewd you need help.

[chas]

Jennifer Garner is from West Virginia and fits the bill quite nicely.