There's more to Baltimore than Camden Yards

The Sox fall to the Devil Rays and the Yankees sweep a twin bill from the Twins. The Division race is over …

Mike:
[Imitating the Donald] Mr. Nelson, you're fired!

 

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Bill:
Put the little fucker in a suitcase and ship his ass back to Santo Domingo. Jeez. We've lost the exuberant, "drill the Bambino in the ass" Pedro again. He's back to referring to himself in the 3rd person …

 

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Mike:
Back to back weak-assed starts from the former ace … Soon Pedro will be making the "Wonderland" references again.

 

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Bill:
Well, so much for this weekend's regular season ending series with Baltimore being important, but after that Peskygate shit they pulled recently, I hope the Red Sox beat the fucking stuffing out of them just for the sake of it.

 

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Mike:
What the fuck is wrong with Baltimore anyway? The national sports media can gush and spooge all they want over the vaunted Camden Fucking Yards, but it's time to face the truth. Camden Yards is nice enough an all but it's in fucking Baltimore fercrissakes! Wake up and smell the burning crack pipes.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, you can fault Hollywood stereotypes and all that, but there's usually some validity to these things. Let's look at some of the fiction set in that shit hole. You remember that series "Homicide: Life on the Street"? What was that about?

 

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Mike:
Hmmm … Murderers, rapists, arsonists, and crack whores.

 

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Bill:
Exactly. HBO's "The Corner"?

 

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Mike:
Gangbangers, druggies, child abusers, and crack whores.

 

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Bill:
Abso-fucking-lutely. And HBO's "The Wire"?

 

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Mike:
Corrupt cops, murderers, thieves, drug runners, rapists, and crack whores … and then there's the films of John Waters …

 

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Bill:
Cross dressing shit eaters, tea baggers, chicken man, incestuous fornicators and Waters is actually from Baltimore. That whack job loves the fucking place.

 

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Mike:
Hey, how's this for a t-shirt slogan: "My girlfriend went to Baltimore and all I got was this lousy STD"

 

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Bill:
I'd wear it. [Laughs] Shit, things are so bad down there, even Johns Hopkins University is officially embarrassed at having the misfortune to be located in Baltimore.

 

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Mike:
Thank your favorite supreme being DC's got a team now so baseball fans down there don't have to pad that asshole Peter Angelos' dirty pockets anymore.

 

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Bill:
No shit, that piss ant actually makes Steinbrenner look good by comparison. At least ol' George uses his filthy lucre to field a championship club and not a bunch of laughingstock losers year in and out. [Laughs]

 

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Comments

[beth]

that globe piece also lists pedro as being 16-9 with a 3.90. Not 1999 Pedro by any means, but bad? no.

homicide was a GREAT show. best back off on the homicide disparagement.

[h.b.]

Oh, you misunderstood. ALL those shows are great shows and even John Waters' films are great in their own peculiar way. My point was that if you want to set a show in a tough, raunchy, crime ridden city, Baltimore is the first choice.

The Wire is possibly the greatest cop drama ever.

I do think Pedro will be fine in the playoffs.

[JB]

Oh Petey, where art thou? He had Derek Lowe face last night. That worries me. As it should.

Well, time to buckle down and get ready to stick the collective foot of Red Sox Nation up the Orioles' ass. God, do I hate them. Mow them down just on principle. Maybe we'll get to see Tejada cry again.

I've become unhinged......

[BriVT]

Damn, the good people of Baltimore got a whacking. But the vast majority that make up the rest of Baltimore fucking deserve it.

Trying to bounce Pesky? No class.

John Waters films are great. Usually.

[beth]

i keep forgetting, hb, that these are supposed to be (to quote ben affleck in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back) "fic-tional char-ac-ters." my b.

i don't think pedro had full-fledged Face. The Face (tm) is a special thing indeed.

[brian]

I actually remember that newsletter article from my senior year. JHU's undergrad campus is an island surrrounded by crackheads and panhandlers. Last time I was down there, the city increased its efforts to sweep up the undesirables around Camden Yards before a each game.

[h.b.]

Yeah, one time a couple of years ago, I made the mistake of staying at a hotel about 12 or so blocks away and, since it was a beautiful day, ignored the hotel's advice that I shouldn't walk it.

Oh, crap, I was panhandled the whole way, saw more people pissing in the streets (middle of the day!) than I have in any other US city, was offered crack, heroin, weed as well as solicitations for oral sex from various scabbed mouthed down on their luck whores. That was my first trip to Baltimore and I was shocked. Had no idea it was like that.

Every city has its bad sections, but this was nuts.

Now I always stay really close to Camden or I take a cab.

[Will]

Fuck the Cub fans? Why I oughta ...

Wait, we choked again? Maybe I can up my self-flaggelation by picking the Red Sox to win the World Series!

Wait, I did what?

At least I don't live in Baltimore.

- A big fan.