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The Sox fall to the Devil Rays and the Yankees sweep a twin bill from the Twins. The Division race is over …
Mike:
[Imitating the Donald]
Mr. Nelson, you're fired!
Bill:
Well, so much for this weekend's regular season ending series with Baltimore being important, but
after that Peskygate shit they pulled recently, I hope the Red Sox beat the fucking stuffing out of them just for the sake of it.
Mike:
What the fuck is wrong with Baltimore anyway? The national sports media can gush and spooge all they want over the vaunted Camden Fucking Yards, but it's time to face the truth. Camden Yards is nice enough an all but it's in fucking Baltimore fercrissakes! Wake up and smell the burning crack pipes.
Bill:
Yeah, you can fault Hollywood stereotypes and all that, but there's usually some validity to these things. Let's look at some of the fiction set in that shit hole. You remember that series "Homicide: Life on the Street"? What was that about?
Mike:
Hmmm … Murderers, rapists, arsonists, and crack whores.
Mike:
Gangbangers, druggies, child abusers, and crack whores.
Bill:
Abso-fucking-lutely. And HBO's "The Wire"?
Mike:
Corrupt cops, murderers, thieves, drug runners, rapists, and crack whores … and then there's
the films of John Waters
…
Bill:
Cross dressing shit eaters, tea baggers, chicken man, incestuous fornicators and Waters is actually
from
Baltimore. That whack job loves the fucking place.
Mike:
Hey, how's this for a t-shirt slogan: "My girlfriend went to Baltimore and all I got was this lousy STD"
Mike:
Thank your favorite supreme being DC's got a team now so baseball fans down there don't have to pad that asshole Peter Angelos' dirty pockets anymore.
Bill:
No shit, that piss ant actually makes Steinbrenner look good by comparison. At least ol' George uses his filthy lucre to field a championship club and not a bunch of laughingstock losers year in and out. [Laughs]
It takes 11 innings, but the Red Sox get it done, beating the Devil Rays and gaining ½ on the rained out Yankees …
Bill:
Ah, Derek Lowe …
Horrigan calls Lowe "enigmatic" in his column
today, but I'm not sure there's any mystery to Lowe.
Doug:
No shit. "Phlegmatic" is more like it. Five runs on eight hits in only 2 1/2 innings? I'm coughing up a loogy just thinking about this guy starting in the playoffs.
Doug:
Abso-fucking-lutely. Torre believes the problem dates back to a Sept. 17 start versus Boston, which was interrupted by rain.
Doug:
That or maybe Pedro's diminutive Dominican,
Mr. Nelson, really
is
a mofo lucky charm?
Bill:
Fuck yeah! Meanwhile, I hope someone's making sure the big guy Ortiz doesn't accidentally sit on the little shit and crushes the life out him …
The Red Sox clinched their second straight postseason spot with a 7-3 win over the Devil Rays …
In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Hey, I know it's
just
the wildcard but after the morass that was May and June, we deserve a bit of the sparkily. [Everyone nods and takes a swig.]
Susan:
Tara, explain to me before I get too tipsy how the wild card magic number went from 2 to 1?
Tara:
If you look at he schedules of the three AL West contenders you find that 94 wins will lock … With the West clubs playing each other, only one could possibly reach 94 victories and that team would have to be the divisional winner … Home runs by Jesus, Manny, Tek, McCarty, and here we are.
Susan:
A toast to Theo Epstein for his playoff saving late season trade.
Tara:
Here here. And to the Red Sox for turning 56-46 and sinking into 94-62 with fortunes rising.
Susan:
Should we feel guilty celebrating when the Yankees "barely acknowledged" a playoff clinch last week?
Tara:
Fuck no, girlfriend! The Skankees have that wrinkled up pasty mean ol' white motherfucker breathing down their necks. They ain't allowed to have any fun. Massa Steinbrenner don't like no uppity players on his plantation. [Laughs]
Tara:
That's fucked up. You been hitting the good chronic or what? Don't bogart that shit, now. Help a sister out. [Laughs]
Susan:
No kidding. Mr. Nelson he calls him. I bettah slow down. This Moet's making me sweat.
The Red Sox take two of three from the Yankees in the club's final regular season home series…
Bill:
So if the Coma doesn't channel the ghost of Grady Little on
Friday night, the Sox sweep the Spankees?
Doug:
I'd fucking forgive Francona if he hadn't told the world he'd given up on beating Baltimore after Thursday night's game
to "protect" his bullpen.
Bill:
Between Francona's fucked up managerial
strategery
and Dale
condemn them
Sveum, it's going to be an uphill battle getting deep into October.
Doug:
Assuming we even get into October beyond next weekend in Baltimore. Plenty of time left for Terry tomfoolery to fuck up a sure thing.
Bill:
Yeah, I'm trying to figure out what's worse. Having a starter who shits in his own pants with fear or one so stupid he breaks his own hand punching walls?
Doug:
All I know is thank God and Theo Epstein we have Curt Schilling on our side.
Bill:
Amen to that. And if Schilling isn't the
number one starter
going into the post season, I'll start punching walls.
The Red Sox fall to the Orioles, splitting the four game series and losing a game in the Division race to the now playoff clinched Yankees …
Susan/Circle:
So Francoma was trying "to protect some people" last night he says and that's why Myers stayed in forever and before turning to the non playoff rostered BK Kim?
Susan/Circle:
Someone should remind Terry he's not running for President so there's no need to just make shit up as you go along. Simple question: Are we playing for the wildcard or the division, Terry?
Mike:
Good luck getting the truth. Does anyone ever give a straight answer to anything these days? It's a fucking pathetic state of affairs everywhere I turn.
Susan/Circle:
I'm resolving myself to kissing the wildcard frog with the hope it'll turn into a prince in my Red Sox fairy tale.
Mike:
Yeah, speaking of fairy tales, somebody tell Little Bo Peep to stop the hunt for her fucking sheep and get down to the serious business of finding Lowe's lost sinkerball.
Susan/Circle:
No joke. Two innings one start, five the next from our little Thumbelina.
Susan/Circle:
Well, Johnny Dreamboat Damon has an open invite to come over to my place anytime to help me relax.
It took 12 innings, but the Red Sox get the win over the Orioles …
Bill:
The Orioles are killing me. Talk about fucking pesky. Jeez.
Bill:
The man seems to be doing everything in his power to keep me from going to the polls. Isn't there anyone on his fucking staff, presumably made up of a couple of people from Boston, who are Sox fans?
Doug:
No shit. It's perplexing. Anyone who understands the rivalry could have told him that respecting the Yankees while unabashedly hating them would win him the votes from both Red Sox fans and Spankees fans.
Bill:
Yeah, someone should tell Carville, "It's about baseball, stupid!" for fuck's sake.
Bill:
Abso-fucking-lutely. [Laughs] Seriously, though, I do everything I can to avoid foul language in front of kids, especially at Fenway.
Doug:
I'll do you one bettah: I do everything I can to avoid kids at all costs. Little fucking ritalin laced soccer loving disease spreading snot heads. [Laughs]
Bill:
Yeah, Doug, don't hold back. Tell us how you really feel. [Laughs] Don't you have nieces and nephews you fawn ovah?
Doug:
Yeah, and that's how I caught the fucking flu of death last year. No more I say. [Laughs]
Finally the Red Sox vanquish the Orioles (but almost didn't) …
Mike:
Somebody get A.C. Nielsen on the phone and find out how many TVs in New England when Javy Lopez yanked Foulke's hanger over the Wall.
Doug:
And while you're at it, call the folks at the Suicide Hotline and find out how many fuckers they had to talk out of pulling a Kavorkian.
Mike:
You figure they have to prescreen the counselors at those places to weed out the Sox fans?
Doug:
For fuck's sake they'd have to. Can you imagine the call otherwise? [Imitating distraught fan] "I can't take the Red Sox anymore. I'm going to put a shotgun in my mouth." [Imitating deranged counselor] "Well, hurry the fuck up you retahd. The Red Sox will kill ya either way."
Doug:
I don't even want to fucking think about it. I'm still quivering from the near death experience of last night.
Doug:
Five fucking more games to go against Baltimore, too.
Mike:
Fucking-A … time to open one of the P H EN TER MINE, C1AL1S, V1C0D1N subject line emails I get ten thousand of a day and order some of those strong overseas pain numahs.
Doug:
No shit. And get some skuper viakgra while you're at it.
Yankees lose but so do the Red Sox and no ground is gained …
Mike:
Let me get this straight: Baltimore is 8-4 on the season against our guys and they are fucking 5-1 at Fenway!?!?
Susan/Circle:
When will the Red Sox win the World Series? Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."
Mike:
Oh, for fuck's sake. Here's a guy who gets a blister just wiping his ass, and now we learn he can't pitch with a hangover? What a pussy.
Susan/Circle:
Yeah, Babe Ruth he isn't.
After a remarkable come from behind win on Friday, the rest of Yankees series become an ass whooping at the Sox' expense …
Bill:
Mondays are always tough, but this one today really sucks …
Doug:
What the fuck just happened? 14-1? 11-1? Cancel the Yankee humiliation parties.
Bill:
Yeah, history nevah repeats except every fucking time it does.
Bill:
Another year of sloppy seconds. Worse, I've lost faith in my belief that no matter how the season ends the Red Sox can beat the Spankees in the post season.
Doug:
Well, don't look to me to play the role of cheerer fucking upper — But the nobody evah said the '04 Yankees were lacking in offense. It all goes back to pitching, or lack thereof. Pedro was awful and Lowe was worse.
Bill:
Yeah, all the Sox need to do is go kick some ass in Baltimore.
Doug:
Oh, right. Of course. Beating Baltimore has worked out so fucking well this year.
Doug:
Bra-fucking-oh! A most remarkable milestone.
Bill:
Yeah, remind me again how the Sox had two 20 gamers in '02 but failed the make the playoffs?
Bill:
Right, that was the year of the Mickey Mouse Club. Curse of the David Eckstein. Another fucking season of repressed painful memories.
Bill:
Speaking of goofy fucking costumes, you ready to see those raggedy assed Pinstripes all weekend or what?
Doug:
Man, I'm so ready to see the Cornrow Kid go up against the now Juiceless Joke Giambi.
Bill:
Yeah, don't worry Jason, Bronson doesn't intentionally throw at .214 hitters, either, even if they are former doper lying sacks of shit.
The Red Sox get a so-called ugly win over the Devil Rays in a game lasting more than 3 and ½ hours …
Susan/Circle:
Am I the only one who entertained thoughts of drinking nail polish remover when Cantu took Leskanic deep to tie it? Note to self: Don't let the Mechanic work on my Mini.
Mike:
Oh, it was fucking enlightening. For instance I learned one needs to suck 7 to 8 dicks to make a thousand dollahs in Atlantic City whereas in Vegas a mere one dick sucking will get you a grand.
Mike:
No shit. Even adding 2000 seats, getting a Fenway ticket even for anything but a Tampa Bay game in April will be a matter of who you know or who you blow.
Susan/Circle:
I'm checking my little Blackberry right now. Maybe I'll whore myself out like that slut Cutler.
The Red Sox get beat by the Devil Rays and cool heads struggle to prevail …
Bill:
So Pedro says we need to tip our caps and "give credit to the little rookie" who kicked their collective Red Sox arses.
Bill:
No, shit. If that's the way the little Kazmir pitches, what the fuck is the big one going to be like? [Laughs]
Mike:
What are the Red Sox now oh-fer-six against rookie pitchers this year?
Bill:
Fuck yeah when seeing them for the first time they are. And as that ho bitch Lady Luck would have it, the Spanks will be sending out rookie Brad Halsey to face Pedro on Sunday … No word on whether Halsey's little or not.
Bill:
Christ and just when I thought it was safe to allow myself around sharp objects and miscellaneous household items that could be used for self-immolation …
Mike:
You know, the impact of self-immolation cannot be overstated.
Bill:
Yeah, surprised we don't see more of that shit. These days it's all suicide bomber this and suicide bomber that. Nobody's got the balls for a good ol' human torch anymore.
The Red Sox were off on Monday and start a 3 game series against Tampa Bay tonight …
Bill:
Is anything more predictable than a Texas Rangers fade in September?
Doug:
No shit. They're baseball's version of a dead leaf pile on a suburban lawn.
Bill:
You can set your clock by it. As soon as the Cowboys go into camp, the Rangers start their plummet downward.
Doug:
Maybe the Tuna should drive over and give 'em a pep talk. You know, start referring to Rangers players as she and shit. You know all kicking ass …
Doug:
Yeah, am I supposed to get all warm and fuzzy over, let's see, a baseball team wanting to win? What the fuck?
Bill:
Whoo fucking hoo! I'm beside myself in gratitude.
Doug:
Yeah, when I see the mailman today I'm going to be all like, "Oh, thanks, dude, for not giving up before you got to my address. Great fucking job!"
Bill:
No shit. Imagine those guys at NOAA saying, "Ah, fuck, we know Ivan's going to hit somewhere eventually, that's good enough. Shut down the computers, let's go grab a couple of beers." [Laughs]
Doug:
Heh. Hurricane Pedro tonight! Tampa Bay should begin to rush measures to protect life and property.
The Red Sox get blanked 2-0 by the Mariners and finish 5-2 on their West Coast trip …
Bill:
So Manny is the third batter of the game and can see Damon's on base yet somehow concludes there are two outs?
Tara:
Live by the Manny, die by the Manny. I'll take the occasional Mannyism any day or the week.
Tara:
And on the season, Manny has scored or knocked in 174 of the Red Sox' 825 runs this season - a team-leading 21 percent - and will finish the season with more than 40 home runs, 100 RBI and 100 runs scored.
Bill:
No shit. Thank God the trade sending him to boot scootin' shuffleville for the sissy pretty boy fell through, huh?
Tara:
Hey, did you hear the internet is going to break?
Bill:
'Bout effin' time. How many blogs and amateur porn sites is too many blogs and amateur porn sites? [Laughs]
Bill:
Absolutely. This whole truth thing is way overrated. If I want truth, I can watch The Weather Channel fercrissakes. I watch the network news solely to marvel at the superiority of botox and tanning beds as a lifestyle choice by the anchors.
The Sox lose to the Mariners and Wakefield's knuckleball fails to flutter again …
Mike:
Nothing lost in translation on this one, Ichiro San and the rest of the Mariners got into Wakefield like a Ginsu on sushi .
Doug:
I have to confess that Ichiro is my fave opposing player. Love the way he treats the bat the way a Tarrentino character wields a sword.
Doug:
Wakefield's the only Sox pitcher to post losses in the last 16 games … is this just the nature of the flutterball or has the dude lost the mofo mojo?
Doug:
What like Bronson Arroyo? What the fuck is up with that?
Mike:
Cornrows are a questionable fashion statement on a Jamaican, but on a skinny white boy from Texas there's no doubt: that shit don't work.
Doug:
Abso-fucking-lutely. Arroyo needs to go for that skinny white trash look like that guy in Brown Bunny. You know all fucking Charles Manson and shit. Chicks dig that joint.
Mike:
Fuck, when exactly did this white trash, greasy hair, wrangler and trucker cap look become the "in" thing? Did I miss the fucking memo on that one?
Mike:
Fuck yeah! I'd never wash my hair again for some of that indie-film chick action.
The Red Sox sweep the A's! …
Bill:
Can you believe this shit? The Sox finish "the most important 9 games of the season" with an 8-1 record!
Doug:
The Red Sox' progress this year is fucking glacial … What started slowly, beneath the surface, is now a merciless churning …
Doug:
Didya hear the Chokeland crowd chanting "19-18"?
Bill:
That's so fucking lame, having to borrow your chants from Spankees' fans.
Doug:
You'd think fans who elected Jerry Moonbean Brown as mayor of their stinky city and who root for a team that wears motherfucking white shoes could be, I dunno, original or some shit?
Bill:
Right, right, something like "We're here. We're queer. In the playoffs, we'll disappear." [Laughs]
The Red Sox continue to dominate all foes, beating the Athletics 7-1 last night …
Mike:
My only disappointment with the most recent raiding of Oakland is Lowe didn't leave the game with a crotch grabbing obscene gesture.
Mike:
Oh, yeah. How's that fucking steroid rule working out for Giambi? You don't get a tumor in your mofo pituitary gland from chewable Flintstone's vitamins now do you?
Susan/Circle:
Of course, we wish Jason "hey look I'm skinny again!" Giambi a speed recovery.
Mike:
Why, yes, abso-fucking-lutely. It's not his fault he was born an idiot.
It was a fantastic Labor Day Weekend for Sox fans, something not normally experienced in these parts …
Bill:
Hey, did you punch any walls over the weekend?
Mike:
Yeah, Florida is in a state of emergency, military patrolling the streets ready to shoot looters, 6 million without power, airports closed, and all the rest that comes with being in a motherfucking disaster area, and the Spankees want out on a technicality? Want to penalize the Rays for being late to a game? What the fuck?
Bill:
I nevah thought I'd live to see the day when the Mother Fucking Yankees are scared to play the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.
Mike:
These chicken shits are pissing on the memory of heroic former Yankees like Munson and Gehrig.
Bill:
And I'm loving every god damned minute of it.
The Red Sox sweep the Angels …
Bill:
Nine in a mofo row? 15 of the last 16?
Doug:
Hell, yeah! Even reprising their off Broadway stage show "L.O.B" didn't keep the curtain from rising … The Sox stranded 14 and still toughed it the fuck out.
Doug:
Sacre Bleu! What the fuck is wrong with that man? Worse what the fuck is wrong with the Red Sox for sticking with him?
Bill:
Sveum should come with a surgeon general's warning: Danger, could cause bodily injury when running basepaths.
Doug:
Can you not feel Sveum's blindness, his exile, as he stands in the box giving the "Go!" sign? He is Oedipus, eyes plucked from his fucking head. He is in exile and he's taking us with him, sonaovafuckingbitch!
Bill:
Bliss in ignorance, abso-fucking-lutely. Probably sleeps with his moms, too. [Laughs]
What no Soxaholix ever tires of hearing: The Red Sox win again! …
Bill:
Welcome back, Tara, maybe you should get shipped to the South American office more often. [Laughs] Maybe you're the jinx?
Tara:
Funny, har-har, Bill. You know I don't believe in that crap. The Sox' turnaround is based in fact not fancy.
Tara:
Now you're talking. Callaghan. And you've got to admire the stones Francona showed going to Myers last night after the slam bam he dished on Tuesday.
Tara:
When you're wearing the jerri, you gots ta represent. [Laughs]
The Red Sox beat Anaheim and the Yankees lose 22-0 (!) to Cleveland …
Susan/Circle:
[Imitating rasta patois] Maybe, mon, Jah doesn't hate us after all?
Susan/Circle:
Maybe Manny Rock Steady Ramirez has been sent by Jah to step out da sins dem ours, sight?
Bill:
Maybe you'll start taking normal again?
Susan/Circle:
Maybe. [Laughs, returns to normal] But it sure does feel like we're stepping into Zion.
Susan/Circle:
It's September 1st and the Red Sox are the hottest team in baseball. I want to curl up into a little ball and purr.
