The Red Sox clobber Tampa Bay (like they are supposed to) and everyone breaths a wee bit easier …
Susan/Circle:
So Kapler was right after the opening homestand loss to Tampa Bay. They
did
take the next two. Thank your favorite supreme being for small miracles.
Mike:
No shit. And apologies are due to Kevin KFC Millar.
Susan/Circle:
Now if only Manny could fully recover from his avian
The Red Sox rally to beat the Devil Rays …
Bill:
Hello, Dr. Kevorkian's office? Yes, this is Bill Callaghan, I need to cancel, or rather postpone, my scheduled assisted suicide. … No, no, don't take me off your mailing list …
Doug:
The dude Bronson is ice. Good quality to have in these parts. Did you read that bit from Gammo about the anonymous agent's anethma to signing players "east of the Mississippi or north of the Mason-Dixon Line"?
Bill:
Yeah, welcome to Oz, Toto. [Laughs] Though, you know, I've always wondered if it's really that bad playing in New York? Remove the old dink Steinbrenner from the picture and what have you got? A city of 8 million where 9 out of 10 people could really give a shit about the Yankees? Where the majority have never even heard of Derek Jeter?
Doug:
Yeah, New Yorkers have so many other diversions and perversions … like cuddle parties for instance.
Bill:
Yeah, while we're up heah dying and shit over the Red Sox, New Yankers are getting pop tents in their p.j.'s while casually molesting, er, I mean communicating with perfect strangers as a supposed form of relaxation.
Doug:
Yeah, that's whacked. Would nevah fly in Boston. I'd be all in my Nomar pajamas and shit, getting a good grope on with some Southie chick in one hand and while in my other hand I'd be dialing up my celly to check the scoreboard.
Bill:
Yeah, and the Southie chick'd be doing the same fucking thing.
Doug:
Fuck relaxation, anyway. That shit is way overrated. Give me up tight maniacal anxiety and untoward compulsion any day of the week.
Oh, boy, that ain't any way to start a homestand: Sox (and Schilling) lose to Tampa Bay …
Doug:
Hello, 9-1-1? Yes, this is an emergency … I need to report a missing offense. Help me, please. I'm scared.
Doug:
I've been sick in the past — steadily and truly — and yet, I am sick now in a way that makes me want to say that I was never sick at all, until here, until now.
Mike:
[Snorts] Maybe you caught Manny's fucking plague. What does that guy do in his free time anyway visit leper colonies? Hang out in hospitals? Drink from other people's glasses? How the fuck does a healthy man get sick for two weeks every fucking summah?
Mike:
Yeah, so what's the fucking converse of that logic: If they had won last night would the alternative be to not show up and not go? Why the fuck are you here, Terry? Jeez.
Doug:
Right-O. And, as many have said, it looks like Varitek has the makings of a future manager. He's got this shit figured out big time: "Every game is important for us now. We need to win a lot of games." [Laughs]
Mike:
Fuck yeah. I feel a whole lot better now that I've had this perplexing puzzle of wins and losses elucidated for me. [Both laugh]
Continue reading "Why are we here?" »
Bill:
And the Ortizzle leads the Sox with 98 ribbies and is only two behind league leader Tejada. Let's just not throw any more temper tantrums, big guy. [Chortles]
Doug:
Back to [coughs] friendly fucking Fenway for 20 of the next 26. [Snickers]
Doug:
Uh, yeah, bitches. I'm scrutinizing the mother out of your homestand homely asses. Don't ruin the rest of my fucking summah. [Both laugh]
Bill:
Fucking-A right, don't fucking have me mothballing my "Battling Evil" t-shirt come Labor Day.
Doug:
[Laughs] And get Manny on some bad ass pharmaceutical dope. What the fuck is wrong with this country anyway? We can cure sad old man limp dickness with not just one but several competing pills but there's jack shit for a sore throat? Priorities people. Fucking priorities here.
Susan/Circle:
He lied about WMD?
Susan/Circle:
[Laughs] I definitely feel dead now that he's gone. Cabrera may be better defensively, but I'll always want Nomar in the hole.
Susan/Circle:
Hella yes. I'd let him show me what men do in prisons.
Tara:
Mint may be the new number 1 on the "Red Sox Players: Hot or Not?"… Displacing Tek even.
Susan/Circle:
OK. I've got to go. Got a date with a dildo. [Laughs]
Tara:
Good, always the indefinite article. "A" dildo and not "your" dildo. [Laughs]
Continue reading "Minty Fresh" »
Doug:
Not surprising. El Perro Sucio was always the skeptic over the Nomar injury … Remember his sheath scoop that was quickly refuted? Seems the motherfucking chickens have come home to roost.
Bill:
Like pissing and moaning is a bad thing? I was born pissing and moaning fercrissakes.
Doug:
Speaking of, last night I dreamt that I pissed on Dale Sveums's head. I entered the restroom, approached the urinal, and started pissing, when suddenly I realized it was not a urinal at all … but Dave Sveum.
Bill:
[Imitating a German, Freud like accent] Dat es most intavesting. Do go on.
Doug:
As I began to protest (to the dream itself) I understood that I must have known it was him. I felt ashamed, yet wronged. I also felt like the only thing I ever wanted to happen was finally happening.
Bill:
[Laughs] This is not surprising. Sveum is a fucking nightmare.
Doug:
Jeezum effin crow. Someone please tell me what is so fucking difficult about coaching 3rd base?
Continue reading "Send Sveum to the showers" »
While Nomargate (You lied! No, you lied continues, the Red Sox went out and had a great win over the D-Rays behind a complete game performance from Curt Schilling …
Mike:
If it wasn't for Curt Schilling, they'd have me on a suicide watch right about now.
Mike:
Meanwhile, are we going to have to call in Ken Starr to find out what the meaning of "is" is with Nomar, Tellem, Henry and the rest? For fuck's sake, can we fucking move on now? Nomar, please shut your fucking pie hole and get over yourself. The former number 5 does protest too much methinks.
Mike:
Get the fuck out! The dude spits sunflower seeds on an umpire's leg to protest a call against his son in Little League and now he wants an apology?
Doug:
Yeah, Sprocket says none of it is true. Suggests we should "know him better than that." [Laughs]
Mike:
Ah, the irony! The guy who always blames others for his misfortunes, be it John McNamara, Terry Cooney, Dan Duquette, or Mike Piazza, and who has a bit of an anger management problem now expects us to believe his side of the story?
Doug:
Sorta like how we all believed he was retiring last year? What a douche bag.
Mike:
From the Roger Clemens guide to teaching your kid about baseball: Spit on umps. Check. Blame others. Check. Wear Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle shoelaces and eye black then when the ump doesn't give you the strike zone you want, unload a cuss laced stream of vindicative upon him, get ejected, smash a water cooler and threaten a fan as you depart, advanced lesson, will teach to K-K-Kacy in Babe Ruth League. The Art of Lying, ongoing lesson, always room to improve. [Laughs]
Doug:
Christ, wait 'til fucking Nomar has kids. He can teach them all about looking unhappy and sitting forlorn on the dugout while the kids' team mates are all on their feet cheering a rally on.
Susan/Circle:
All hail Ceasar Crespo! [Laughs]
Mike:
Guess we'll see how Theo's "the problem is the defense" hypothesis holds up.
Mike:
On the dark side, the team still seems so fucking lifeless. At times, suddenly I understand old men in rockers, bats in Colorado caves, tiny lice crawling into the eyes of dead birds.
Continue reading "Et tu, Belhornus?" »
The Sox drop two to the Twins over the weekend, but everything is overshadowed by the stunning Nomar trade …
Bill:
As stereotyped and caricatured Red Sox fan, I know I'm supposed to be going all Jack Torrance with an ax in hand over this Nomah trade …
Bill:
Abso-fucking-lutely. I'm a citizen of the Theocracy. I'm beyond ready for a Red Sox team made up of players who think about winning more than their next contract.
Bill:
Note to parents, two words: Ritalin and Prozac. Dope those little fuckers the hell up. [Laughs]
Doug:
Fuck yeah, I think the only thing I hate more than kids are the breeders who have them. [Laughs]
Bill:
[Laughs] So I guess we won't be seeing you at the Company's annual summer family picnic next week, eh?
