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Doug:
There is something to be fucking said for that, yes, a sweet release in owning up to the reality: They have the look of a beaten team.
Bill:
Dare I ask what it was like to experience Ding Dong another homer Lowe and Gone-see-ya-parra first hand in New York? [Laughs]
Doug:
Ah, fuck. I forgot how much I hate that mofo Whorehouse that Ruth Built. Who the fuck paints the inside of their park blue? Blue walls, blue seats covered with blue boogers … it's madness.
Doug:
That reminds me. I'm standing in line for a fucking hot dog and there's this older guy in front of me decked out in Spankee gear and he's a talkative old prick, all making small talk and shit …
Bill:
Oh, no, here we go … [Laughs]
Doug:
Yeah, this is the fucking guy Sartre had in mind when he said "Hell is other people" … this guy's all, "You'd think they had to grow the hotdogs, ha ha ha"
Bill:
A regular fucking Jerry Seinfeld, eh? [Laughs]
Doug:
Fuck you know how I hate small talk and shit, let alone flapping the gums with a mofo Yankees fan … Anyway, the guy's like "I've been a Yankees fan ever since my dad first took me here to see Mickey Mantle" or some shit and he's all "What about you?"
Bill:
Assuming you're one of them.
Doug:
Fuck yeah, like we're all buddies and shit … So I reply, a bit too loudly, "I've been a Yankees fan ever since Daddy first fucked me." The man seemed angry. He turned away. [Laughs]
Bill:
[Laughs raucously] Shut him right the fuck up, eh?
Doug:
[Laughs] Yeah, it's as though we were on the same field, playing different games.
Continue reading "How long you been a Yankees fan?" »
The Red Sox travel to the Bronx for an important 3 game series with the Yankees …
Doug:
Dude, check it. Remember that chick Ruthie I've been seeing off and on past coupla months?
Mike:
The one who's an editor at Houghton Mifflin?
Doug:
Exactly. Well get this. She rings me up last night saying she's got two tickets for tonight's game at the Stadium!
Mike:
Right fucking on! Now that's a mofo booty call? [Laughs]
Mike:
Oh, for fuck's sake, you're taking Amtrak? Let's see, you'll probably get to Penn Station just in time for the 8th inning. [Laughs]
Doug:
No, shit. Amtrak blows. Never evah fucking on time. But Ruthie, you see, doesn't like to fly.
Mike:
No Mile High Club for you, sir. [Laughs] Hey, you know that prick Gary in accounts receivable is a Yankees fan?
Doug:
What the fuck? Isn't he from Vermont? White River Gangbang or some place just north of East Bumfuck? [Sighs] Christ, I don't trust any motherfuckers born in New England who don't root for the Sox let alone the douche bags who openly root for the Evil Ones.
Mike:
No, shit. And he's giving me all that typical Spankee crapola, "1918" and "Boston Massacre" blah blah blah.
Doug:
[Snapping his fingers] You go boy. That'll teach his Vermont Yankee ass. [Laughs]
The Red Sox take 2-3 from the Phillies over the weekend …
Bill:
So two out of three ain't bad?
Doug:
Could be worse, but I wouldn't set the Tivo to record October baseball just yet. [Laughs]
Bill:
Six behind the Yankees in the loss column, four ahead of the Devil Rays … Sadness drips like water beads in a half-poisoned well.
Doug:
My fucking hopes are narrowing down, narrowing down toward almost nothing …
Bill:
I'm like a bug in the bathroom when you flick on the lightswitch at 3 a.m.
Continue reading "Like a 3 a.m. bug" »
Mike:
Clearly, that is the case.
Mike:
Those are not the Devil Rays. Those are robots manufactured by Haliburton … They've been slowly replacing the humans with the robots …
Susan/Circle:
Holy conspiracy theories! You mean Haliburton as in Dick Cheney's Haliburton?
Mike:
Abso-fucking-lutely. But that's the robot Dick Cheney now. The real Dick Cheney died back in the mid 90s.
Susan/Circle:
Oh. My. God. But to what end? Why the Devil Rays?
Mike:
Oh, come on, Circle, think fercrissakes! Tampa Bay is in Florida. Who is the governor of Florida? Right, Jeb Bush. W's bro. And W must win Florida to get reelected …
Susan/Circle:
You're effin' scaring me, dude.
Mike:
Wait, that ain't the half of it. The plan the Bushies have hatched is to have Tampa Bay overtake Boston for second place in the standings on the same day Kerry makes his acceptance speech at the Democratic National Convention held in Boston …
Susan/Circle:
Thereby discrediting the presumptive nominee and a Red Sox fan at what should be his best moment and drawing attention away from the convention itself as Bostonians go nuts over the Sox slide and possibly riot? That's diabolical!
Mike:
Indeed. They don't call it the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy for nothing.
Susan/Circle:
What about Piniella. Is he real or robot?
Mike:
Oh, he's real. The evil scientists at Haliburton discovered early on that you have to have a human in charge or the robots get recalcitrant. But Piniella doesn't make any of the game decisions.
Susan/Circle:
Who does? Wolfowitz? Rumsfeld?
Mike:
Worse. Piniella is radioed instructions from a prince in the House of Saud.
Susan/Circle:
Get the fuck out! This involves the Saudis?!?!?!?
Mike:
Poor silly girl, of course. It's all about oil. Always has been. The Babe Ruth trade was about oil.
Susan/Circle:
What? What about Harry Frazee and all that?
Susan/Circle:
Pure disinformation on the part of Big Oil and the Arabs in cahoots with W's great grand daddy?
Mike:
Let's put it this way: Have you ever wondered why Babe Ruth was called "The Sultan of Swat"?
Susan/Circle:
[Cue evil music] This cabal must be exposed! The truth shall set us free.
The Red Sox lose to the Twins and Pokey injures his thumb …
Bill:
So much for that friggin' six game win streak fantasy I had going. Do over. [Laughs]
Mike:
Fucking addicted losers. [Laughs] I can quit anytime I want.
Bill:
No shit, in fact I'm not talking about the fucking Red Sox for the rest of the day.
Bill:
OK. I think we've proved the point.
Mike:
No fucking doubt about it.
Bill:
I feel good knowing I'm in fucking control of that shit.
Mike:
People say, "Get more out of life." More what? If it's just more Coke, more miles per gallon, more meat (and fewer carbs, of course), then what is the fucking point?
The Red Sox open their home stand with a 9-2 win over the Twins …
Bill:
Click the heals of your ruby slippers, boy, cuz there ain't no place like home!.
Doug:
You've got that right Auntie Em.
Doug:
Yessa. This is the wicked lineup of the East we've been looking for.
Doug:
Fuck the Orioles. They've become the interlopers of the A-L East.
Bill:
While the Devil Rays, the Devil Rays?!?!?! 12 straight wins? What the fuck?
Doug:
Never thought I'd be jealous of Tampa Bay. It feels weeeahd.
Bill:
Yeah, being jealous of the D-Rays is like finding out that not only is your girlfriend a pre-op transsexual but also that "she" has a bigger dick than you as well. [Laughs]
Doug:
Hey, stop reading my private fucking emails, will ya? [Laughs]
The Red Sox return to Fenway for a 6 game home stand …
Susan/Circle:
If the Red Sox don't kick some mofo ass in their own crib, I'll dye my hair another color and start dressing like a dyke.
Mike:
Me too! I'll get a crew cut. [Laughs]
Susan/Circle:
And while we play the AL Central leading Twinkies, guess who the team who cannot be named is playing?
Mike:
Oh, for fuck's sake don't tell me it's that triple A team from the Crab City again?
Susan/Circle:
None other. The teabaggers are oh-for-the-season against the carpet bombers. Oh, but good ol' Yankee in disguise
Mazzilli still believes in them.
Susan/Circle:
Whoo hoo. I'm sure A-Fraud is shaking in his spikes. [Laughs]
Mike:
Honest question: As a chick, do you think A-Rod is hot?
Susan/Circle:
Let's put it this way. I wouldn't suck his lousy dick if I was suffocating and there was oxygen in his balls.
Continue reading "Let's move to Boise?" »
The Red Sox come off a discouraging 2 and 4 road trip …
Mike:
Happy Fucking Summah. How's that solstice shit working out for you?
Doug:
You kidding me? I love the longest day of the mofo year. All that light bringing everything into a curious sharp focus …
Doug:
The calliope crashed to the ground. The calliope crashed to the ground. [Laughs]
Mike:
A 2 and 4 road trip is not what one would call being revved up like a motherfucking deuce.
Doug:
Two and four don't getcha banging on the Yankees' door.
Doug:
Jeez, didn't Silva get the politically correct memo? You're not supposed to disparage the poor and the mentally challenged in public. For fuck's sake, is he retarded or something? [Laughs]
Mike:
No, shit. His new bosses at Boston.com are gonna love that fucking shit. [Laughs]
Doug:
Hey, I'm just glad as a motherfucker that I've graduated from our company's cocksucking sensitivity training seminar and learned to tone it the fuck down, learned to be mindful of the feelings of others. You want a sensitive, empowering, respectful work place? I am your bitch. [Laughs]
For the struggling Sox, last night the sinker sank and the bats cranked, leading to an 11-0 win over the Rockies …
Bill:
So that's what they fucking mean by the thin air at hitter happy Coors! [Laughs] Now I get it.
Bill:
Can the Sox float on this momentum from the thin air of Denver to the patchouli soaked air of Barry Bond's San Francisco?
Doug:
Fuck blogging. The only thing I hate more than blogs are the fucking papuliferous pretensious puffs known as bloggers. [Laughs]
Bill:
Yeah, nobody reads blogs anymore, they're too popular. [Laughs]
Continue reading "Let's Have a Love-In" »
Even Curt Schilling's start wasn't enough to inspire the Red Sox to beat Colorado …
Bill:
If Tampa Fucking Bay can go on a stinking winning streak, why can't we?
Bill:
Hither-fucking-to-ta-loo, Baldelli's Beelzebub Rays are no longer in last place.
Mike:
And the team with the second highest payroll in baseball is, what's the fucking word? … Languishing, that's it. Fucking sorry ass languishing, pooped out, wasted away … Where's that fucking spelling bee champ? [Affecting his voice to sound like a kid] "Can you use languish in sentence, please?"
Mike:
Are you saying the Red Sox are autochthonous to second place?
So much for the Rockies 8 game losing streak … They beat the Sox 6-3 at Coors in a frustrating "load 'em 'and leave 'em" game …
Mike:
Happy fucking Bloomsday …
Susan/Circle:
Fitting. Watching the Red Sox strand umpteen men on base is as painful as reading Joyce's Ulysses.
Mike:
Now 4 an'a half back … Adrift in the sea. The snotgreen sea. The scrotumtightening sea.
Susan/Circle:
Being a Red Sox fan is the happy hunting ground of all minds that have lost their balance.
Susan/Circle:
Oh, yeah. Vagus nerve stimulation. Sign me the fuck up for that shit.
Continue reading "The scrotumtightening sea." »
Interleague play continues, as the Red Sox head to Denver to face the Rockies …
Doug:
Ah, Coors Field, where the air's so thin, even Cesar Crespo could go yard. [Laughs]
Bill:
Yeah, and we get to see the pitchers swing the wood. Love that fucking shit.
Doug:
Ah, right, you geriatrics can recall a nostalgic time before the DH arrived. How Norman Rockwell. [Laughs]
Bill:
[Laughs] That's correct my labrose lad. And not only that, I remember when Coors beer was considered exotic, a symbol of status …
Doug:
Get the fuck out! Coors beer? That rotgut?
Doug:
Wait a fucking second … that movie had a plot? I thought its only point was to show car chases and boob shots of the young and frisky Sally Fields? [Laughs]
Continue reading "Colorado Kool Aid" »
Pedro is dominant again and Boston beats Los Angeles 4-1 …
Bill:
Pedro seems back to his old self, Nomar is back like we've always remembered him, Nixon returns this week, interleague play goes well, hell, even D-Lowe has been impressive in this last two starts …
Mike:
But you're wondering why you don't feel better than you do?
Mike:
While the motherfucking Yankees have been on one hella extended winning streak since losing that April series to the Sox.
Bill:
Exactly. We take two steps forward and two steps back …
Mike:
And you know it ain't fiction just a natural fa-ct? [Laughs]
Bill:
I can't sleep. Twitching in the sheets — to face the summer in second again …
Mike:
That's clearly trouble.
Bill:
I'm under this sheet thinking my nerves are hampered by history — the most memorable concern of our kind is the guts it takes to face the summer again.
Mike:
Dizzied by the almosts the ankles and the years …
Bill:
I pull the sheets to my neck. I turn my ass to the wall. I hate second place more than any man.
Continue reading "I hate second place more than any man. " »
It's a sweet morning for Red Sox fans as the club beat the Padres and have won 4 of their last 5 …
Susan:
Was Nomie's wall shot sweet last night or what?
Doug:
Fucking A right it was!
Susan:
I thought I was ready but it was like thunder you hear on the phone when you're talking to someone where the storm is. You know it's coming moving east like most weather but you still wake up, startled, dazed.
Susan:
You're fucking kidding me, right? After all the bearly fathomable good contained in last night's win, you're going to be a tool and bring up some errant stat just to be negative? Jeez.
Susan:
Just sayin' what, that you're a total fucking loser? [Laughs] You know a good half, if not more, of Red Sox Nation could benefit from a little of that Portugese action.
Continue reading "When in Lisbon …" »
The Red Sox look sloppy and get beat 8-1 by the Padres …
Bill:
Glad I waited through that motherfucking two and half hour rain delay to see the Sox offense explode on the Padres. [Laughs] What a long ass miserable night …
Doug:
Fittingly, the Padres had the Sox in missionary position for an all night hump fest.
Bill:
On the bright side, nice to see Nomar back.
Bill:
Yeah, who needs rain to spoil your picnic when you've got the Curly Haired Boyfriend by your side. [Laughs]
Bill:
Poor Tuna, he's not known for being sensitive. Remember when he referred to Terry Glenn as "she" in that press conference? Now that was a classic moment in New England sports history.
Doug:
No shit. You know times are fucking tough when even Bill Parcells is going all pussy on us.
Bill:
Fuck right. The old Tuna would have said, "The best way to counter the 'Jap Play' is with the 'A-Bomb.' Any more questions?" [Laughs]
Doug:
Speaking of fucking bombs and nuclear winter, three and a half in back of the Bronx fucking Bombers and falling fast. Time to start making the booze and pain pill cocktail again.
There's no other way to say it … the office reverberates …
Bill:
Petey!
Bill:
A full frontal flummoxing!
Susan:
Petey, you know it's because of you the my hair won't stop moaning, that you've got everything that makes my blood reach out for you through these cracked Boston nights …
Bill:
Petey just needs the summer heat to dish the high heat.
Doug:
Bring on the gangbang weather! Bring on sac sagging weather!
Continue reading "No need to fear, Martinez is here!" »
Doug:
Thought the Moneyballers didn't draft high schoolers? Kid must be really something.
Bill:
Rumor has it a knee-buckling curveball and a fastball consistently in the mid 90s …
Doug:
Skills obviously developed by swatting black flies and mosquitos the size of fucking small birds in that vacationland. [Laughs]
Doug:
Yo, Bill, I just got a voicemail message saying "The Brewers drafted Rogers, Masshole." [Laughs]
Bill:
Yeah, yeah, so I got a little over fucking zealous … Don't those clammah's up theyah evah make a mistake?
The Red Sox stop their losing skid by beating KC on Saturday and Sunday …
Bill:
Holy Pope on a rope, I'm glad the Red Sox won these last two … I was starting to lose it.
Bill:
Hey, Timlin cranked it. When's the last time you've seen him go three studly innings?
Bill:
Last night I dreamt that I pissed on Sveum's head. [Laughs]
Doug:
I know, it's "The Curse of the Retarded Third Base Coaches." Get the freckle assed Curly Haired Boyfriend on the case! [Laughs]
The Red Sox had a rare Thursday off to travel to Kansas City whom they face tonight …
Mike:
How'd the night off treat you? Help you ease into the reality of Angels annunciation that they're the better club?
Doug:
Fuck, yeah, I'm as content as a redneck with his Christmas lights up year round. If you need holiday lightage in July, I'm your fucking man!
Doug:
Fuck, yeah, then the Baltimore teabaggers can be rested and ready to morph into the '27 Yankees when they play the Sox. [Laughs]
Mike:
That fuck wad Mazzilli is so ready to replace Torre when he retires, he'll have his pinstriped butt cheeks on that Yankee bench while it's still warm from Torre's fat fucking ass.
Doug:
No shit, he's probably already on the Spankee payroll.
Mike:
Every mofo day folks are dying. Old folks, young folks, skinny and fat, ugly and pretty … So when the fuck is that old bastard Steinbrenner gonna kick it?
Doug:
Where's the axman, where's it done?
Mike:
I lay down. I lay down and wait like an animal.
Continue reading "Lay down and wait like an animal" »
Susan:
Hey, double chin up, dude. Last June the club had a 5 game death march and still made October bright, right?.
Bill:
Yeah, last year … fercrissakes Francona is reminding me of last year more and more … Bringing Pedro out in the 6th? What the fuck?
Bill:
Oh, you're doing a fine fucking job cheering my ass up here.
Susan:
Look, Bill, you can't get freaked out over these rough patches. You need to buck up. Or at least shut up. [Laughs]
Bill:
Ah, Red Sox … I've practiced death for so long and still I've not learned it …
Susan:
Think of the lilacs … the dripping lilacs, blue petals battered, holding on, holding their brightness in hot steamy air as if to become brighter …
Susan:
Don't fuck with the lilacs, dude. [Laughs]
Continue reading "Lilacs (Don't fuck with them.)" »
The Red Sox squander an early lead to the Angels and being their West Coast trip with a loss …
Bill:
Before our very eyes Terry Francona is motherfucking morphing into Grady Let 'em Stay Little …
Bill:
Arroyo to the pen and not Lowe? What kind of fucking strategy is that? Let's go with a four man rotation so we can maximize the number of D-Blowe starts? And I'm the one in therapy? [Laughs]
Doug:
At times like these, if I had a wife, boy would I beat her. Didn't she ask for it? Wasn't she just begging for it?
Bill:
Madness comes out of the cupboard like a mouse. I do not know how much longer I can last.
After a promising holiday weekend taking 2 of 3 from the Mariners, the Red Sox get the bejezus beat out of them by a .500 at best Baltimore club …
Mike:
I'm so glad this rain postponed game with the O's got made up when the Sox were healthy so we could kick the shit out of them.
Susan/Circle:
Yeah, I love kicking back on 3 day weekend and watching the Sox take it to the teams without a winning record …Oh-my-god what the fuck can be done with Derek "I need a fucking lobotomy" Lowe?
Mike:
No, shit. Put another burger on that Memorial Day grill and pass the potato salad while we stare mouth agape watching the nut job Vincent Van Lowe push his ERA to a lucky 13.00.
Mike:
Note to Yawkey Way, last time I checked baseball is still a nine fucking inning pastime.
Mike:
The branches break, the birds fall, the buildings burn …
Susan/Circle:
Once more I find myself on a dark pier, holding an enormous rope of silence.
Continue reading "An enormous rope of silence" »
