Fahrenheit 1918

The Red Sox lose to the Twins in extras and, worse, lose their third straight series …

Mike:
Craptastic. The Red Sox found another way to lose yesterday.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Is Nomar your scapegoat? Is a lot of the meaning of your life premised on being able to blame the Red Sox for what ails you?

 

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Mike:
Clearly, that is the case.

 

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Susan/Circle:
What is up with the Devil Rays? 19 mofo runs?

 

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Mike:
Those are not the Devil Rays. Those are robots manufactured by Haliburton … They've been slowly replacing the humans with the robots …

 

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Susan/Circle:
Holy conspiracy theories! You mean Haliburton as in Dick Cheney's Haliburton?

 

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Mike:
Abso-fucking-lutely. But that's the robot Dick Cheney now. The real Dick Cheney died back in the mid 90s.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Oh. My. God. But to what end? Why the Devil Rays?

 

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Mike:
Oh, come on, Circle, think fercrissakes! Tampa Bay is in Florida. Who is the governor of Florida? Right, Jeb Bush. W's bro. And W must win Florida to get reelected …

 

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Susan/Circle:
You're effin' scaring me, dude.

 

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Mike:
Wait, that ain't the half of it. The plan the Bushies have hatched is to have Tampa Bay overtake Boston for second place in the standings on the same day Kerry makes his acceptance speech at the Democratic National Convention held in Boston …

 

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Susan/Circle:
Thereby discrediting the presumptive nominee and a Red Sox fan at what should be his best moment and drawing attention away from the convention itself as Bostonians go nuts over the Sox slide and possibly riot? That's diabolical!

 

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Mike:
Indeed. They don't call it the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy for nothing.

 

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Susan/Circle:
What about Piniella. Is he real or robot?

 

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Mike:
Oh, he's real. The evil scientists at Haliburton discovered early on that you have to have a human in charge or the robots get recalcitrant. But Piniella doesn't make any of the game decisions.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Who does? Wolfowitz? Rumsfeld?

 

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Mike:
Worse. Piniella is radioed instructions from a prince in the House of Saud.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Get the fuck out! This involves the Saudis?!?!?!?

 

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Mike:
Poor silly girl, of course. It's all about oil. Always has been. The Babe Ruth trade was about oil.

 

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Susan/Circle:
What? What about Harry Frazee and all that?

 

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Mike:
Total wagging the dog. That's how the "No, No Nanette" and "Curse" stuff got started.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Pure disinformation on the part of Big Oil and the Arabs in cahoots with W's great grand daddy?

 

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Mike:
Let's put it this way: Have you ever wondered why Babe Ruth was called "The Sultan of Swat"?

 

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Susan/Circle:
[Cue evil music] This cabal must be exposed! The truth shall set us free.

 

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Comments

[Tim]

I'm nominating today's strip for "Best Original Screenplay."

[Chris]

This is great! I think Michael Moore has secret footage of Babe with a young Dick Cheney - this could be devastating if it gets out...

[richard]

I love this!

Any tips on how I can get the images to link to a discussion site I frequent? Normal methods are non-productive...

[Steve Brady]

Brilliant.

[Elliott]

Epic. Great stuff. Poor, silly girl indeed. I love how off-topic discussions in Red Sox circles conversations change from philosophy and literature to conspiracies and flame-wars when the going gets tough.

I think they oughta be able to turn it around, though. The talent's there.

[Annette]

I am laughing so hard, I'm crying right now! This is fucking brilliant.

[Da Kine]

When does the miniseries come out?

[Greg Phipps]

The Red Sox have basically been a .500 team since the beginning of May. The team appears lethargic and unmotivated under the unproven Terry Francona. Say what you will about Grady Little, but the team at least played hard from him. Oh! And don't look too soon, but the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, led by the fiery, proven Lou Pinella, are closing in on the complacent Sox.