Clean Shave

The Red Sox defeat Cleveland thanks to an 8th inning, pinch hit triple by David McCarty …

Bill:
The much maligned McCarty gets it done!

 

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Doug:
Sure, but don't be signing me up for his fan club just yet. I'm thinking something about an infinity of monkeys pounding on an infinity of keyboards and a resulting encyclopedia. [Laughs]

 

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Bill:
So I hadn't realized before that the Tribe's C.C. Sabathia is a Super Sizer? What is up with all the fat pitchers? Sabathia, Ponson, Wells … all look like they'd be more at home on the couch, pants unbuttoned to give the gut some space, eating nachos and watching Spike TV.

 

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Doug:
I am comforted by these fast food diet pitchers. Fuck Atkins. Fuck South Beach. We should not forget that we have arisen from a simple browsing hunger. The fat man is the logical evolutionary next step: the focusedbrowsing. Though one must not stare.

 

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Bill:
So our days with Jesus Damon are numbered. The beard comes off on the 21st.

 

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Doug:
No prophet is acceptable in his own village. We have planks in our eyes. Will no one get this fucking plank out of my eye?

 

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Bill:
[Laughs] Er, I think the point is you have to remove your own plank yourself …

 

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Doug:
What the… Remove my own plank? What about all that help your neighbor shit? Now I've got to do everything myself? This religion stuff is too motherfucking difficult.

 

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Bill:
[Laughs] Yeah, if it wasn't for getting to kill heathens in the name of God, nobody would sign up for that shit.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, all you who have ears and shit listen up: There's nothing like a motherfucking religious war to keep everybody happy.

 

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Author's Notes
Doug's "plank" reference is from the sermons in Mathew and Luke regarding seeing the splinter in your brother's eye.