Doug: You know, thank Christ the amateurs, poseurs, bloggahs, tweetahs, and othah assorted hacks haven't totally driven the professional journalists out of business...
Doug: I mean where else but in the hallowed, J-school graduate produced pages of old school institutions like the Boston Globe are we going to get the hahd hitting, investigative, behind-the-scenes nuggets like this —
Doug:
Whenevah people staht going on about how the Chinese are going to rule the world soonah rathah than latah, I say don't give up on the inherent toughness of the next generation of Americans...
Al:
I'm not so much "negative" about how this offseason has played out as I am extremely *frustrated.*
Al:
I mean we're talking about the Boston Red Sox, the team a year ago that we were sitting around wondering how many games ovah 100 they'd win, a team with an ownership group and front office strategy committed mentally and financially to winning, a team that made one pull his shouldahs back, stick out his chin and say, "That's right, The Boston Fucking Red Sox. Believe it, bitches."
Mike:
You know what this is like? It's like dating the hottest chick in town but despite your best efforts the relationship remains agonizingly platonic.
Mike:
And you've got a blueballs ache so bad it's making your ears ring and yet you hang in there, hopeful, because, you know, she's the hottest girl in town and all.
Doug:
Dude, it's actually worse than that.
Doug:
It *is* like going out with the hottest girl in town but instead of the relationship being purely platonic, it's one in which occassionally, and seemingly arbitrarily, the hot chick is willing to yank out the strap-on and peg the shit out of you.
Doug:
And you go along with it because at some primal level (that you'd rathah not think too much about) you kinda like it and, besides, you've convinced yourself that a chick this hot and this potentially perverse is worth being patient with.
Bill:
Yeah, but who's the source? Ben Cherington's mom?
Doug:
Hey, how's that Roy Oswalt signing coming along?
Bill:
Ain't happening today, ain't happening tomorrow, ain't happening nevah... Unless po' John-John Henry can find a way for Warren Buffet's secretary to pay the Red Sox luxury tax.
Doug:
Dudes, tell me we didn't just trade Scutaro for Cody Ross?!?!
Mike:
Hey, quit your bitchin.... what you're witnessing is a new, groundbreaking strategy coming to fruition — trade a perfectly viable starting position player to strengthen your bench!
Al:
Oh, right — "Stoneyball!"
Doug:
I can't wait for the movie. Russell Brand plays the much maligned but always happy GM.
Al:
And cast that Indian dude from the Whitecastle movies to play his plucky assistant.
Bill:
So while the Patriots are reminding everyone exactly what it means to peak at the right time and doing all they can to continue making Boston the true Titletown of the Entiah World...
Mike:
Who knew that suddenly becoming a small-mahket would be so, you know, fucking small.
Al:
We are like the Greece of baseball. Weighed down by the debt of paying full salaries to unproductive dissapointments who retiah too soon.
Doug:
And speaking of Carl Crawford, does his surprise wrist surgery and possibility of missing the staht of the season qualify as good new or bad news?
Mike:
Well, a smidgen of good news is that if his wrist was bothering him all season it might account for a lot of the suck.
Mike:
As Dave Pinto writes, "Wrist injuries are very tough on hittahs" having to absorb the contact of bat against ball.
Doug:
Yeah, but wouldn't Crawford have to, you know, actually make contact with the ball to feel this alleged discomfort?
Mike:
With 23 walks in 538 plate appearances, it's not like the sonavabitch wasn't trying for contact.
Al:
Now no one undah the age of thirty will know how to confirm or disprove a statement of fact. It's gonna be awesome!
Doug:
Yeah, on that note, if you're looking for me today, I'll be chatting up Proactiv resistant chicks from the dermatologist's office and elightening them on the unique and miraculous acne curative powahs of Franco-American ejaculate.
Doug:
Hey, c'mon now, when Padilla is healthy he's good for roughly league average performance. And if there's one thing that swells the gourd it's league average performance.
Bill:
Really, you just can't collect enough of these low risk high reward guys to put in Pawtucket red and have ready to get the call to do battle in the Show.
Doug:
Seriously. Our 6th thru 9th stahtahs are gonna kick the asses of your 6th thru 9th stahtahs!
Mike:
It's gonna get bettah, right? I mean it has too.
Steve:
Without a doubt. But in the meantime, I can't help but think, considering what we've been eating since September, that now is the time to for me put together an investor pitch on my idea to import this restaurant concept to Boston.
Mike:
Perfect. And I know just what to call the place.
Mike:
OK, now that that's ovah, can we go back to Iowa being that mostly forgotten about place where Shoeless Joe Jackson plays baseball in a cornfield?
Mike:
A proven top quality major league bullpen ahm, for a couple prospects who've not shown much more than replacement level guy talent?
Mike:
Plus the appearance of this being a 100% Ben Cherington led move?
Doug:
Yeah, well, it's not in the same stratosphere as Theo's Shillingsgiving, but I'll confess it's a rare positive sign.
Al:
Hell, yeah, it is. I mean I haven't been this optimistic about the future of a franchise since Journey replaced Steve Perry with a Filipino dude they found on YouTube who sounds just like Steve Perry.
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