2011 Wrapped (put on doorstep and set aflame)

Doug:
The final out of the 2011 baseball season, a freak Octobah snowstorm, and a rare loss to the Steelahs... I've had bettah weekends.

 

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Bill:
It gets late early around here these days.

 

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Doug:
At least we've got the hunt for a new skip to keep us paying attention.

 

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Bill:
Pete Mackanin and Dale Sveum.

 

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Doug:
Ah, Dale Sveum, now there's the stuff dreams are made of.

 

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Bill:
Golden memories. Heh.

 

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A is for acrid, B is for bitter,...

Mike:
One strike, not once but twice, one strike away from winning the World Series and the Rangahs can't get it done.

 

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Doug:
They are toast. Texas toast.

 

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Al:
Yeah, even Walkah, Texas Rangah, couldn't save them now.

 

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Doug:
Tony LaRussa is already planning his celebratory meal of tofu and lentils.

 

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Mike:
So no empathy for the Rangahs considering the similarity with '86?

 

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Doug:
Empathy is for pussies. Real men fill their hahts with bittahness.

 

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Al:
Seriously. Bittah is so friggin undah rated.

 

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Doug:
Absolutely. I mean imagine a world without bittah ale?

 

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Al:
Or bittah greens?

 

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Doug:
Or bittah clingahs?

 

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Doug:
If bittahness is wrong, well, then I do want to fight.

 

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Al:
Give me bittahly or give me death!

 

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No separation

Mike:
Let the managah hunt begin.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Let the rostah hypothesizing unfold.

 

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Mike:
Meet the new offseason. As intense as the old onseason.

 

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Mike:
You cannot escape the pull of the Red Sox orbit.

 

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Susan/Circle:
We are Rodin figures encased in Red Sox marble.

 

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Mike:
Red Sox toujours au milieu
De tout qui l'entoure.

 

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Guarded Optimism

Mike:
Well, for the first time since the Septembocalypse, I actually feel like things are looking up again.

 

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Al:
Yeah, Theo's lettah to the fans felt honest and hahtfelt. And Cherington seems like the right man, at the right time.

 

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Mike:
What struck me about Cherington is how he comes across as the so-called "smahtest guy in the room" and yet doesn't seem to give a shit about being the smahtest guy in the room.

 

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Doug:
On the othah hand, despite all the sounds bites of "the Sox are on solid ground" and "from talking to players there’s a great motivation to clean up whatever does need to be cleaned" variety, let's not kid ourselves. This is one fuck of a mess of a ballclub.

 

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Al:
Seriously. There's no guarantee this whole thing isn't going to be the equivalent of photoshopping a Lindsay Lohan centahfold and packaging it up as something new.

 

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Doug:
When, as the D-Listed dude so eloquently puts it, the reality is "every pair of eyeballs on this planet have seen Lindsay Lohan's freckled titty sacks so much that we could all draw them from memory on an Etch-A-Sketch."

 

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We'll be right back...

Your omniscient author in absentia:
As I mentioned in the comments the other day, I'm taking a long weekend to drink beer, eat chicken, and play video games... I'll see you back here Tuesday (or perhaps Wednesday depending on the chicken).

 

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There's some hope. Now need the change.

Bill:
Holy shit, out of the dahkness shines a light —

Padres may have interest in Lackey!

 

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Doug:
Whatevah they are smoking in San Diego must be totally killah.

 

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Bill:
"The Red Sox would have to pick up most of the remaining $45.75 million remaining on his contract."

 

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Doug:
Talk about money well spent.

 

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Bill:
What is John Henry's PayPal address? I'd like to make a modest donation to this most charitable cause.

 

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Doug:
Are you kidding me? I'll charge it to my Flexible Spending Account and tell the IRS it's for mental health counseling.

 

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The Walking Dead

Bill:
You know the worst paht about this whole 2011 epic collapse?

 

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Bill:
It's not the collapse itself, as horrific as that was...

 

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Bill:
No, it's how this aftahmath is tainting and polluting my memories of 2004.

 

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Mike:
Seriously. Now when I think of the Red Sox my first thoughts have gone from pride and joy to revulsion.

 

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Mike:
We are living in a friggin post apolcayptic world now.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, but instead of rotten-fleshed zombies shuffling along aimlessly...

 

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Bill:
We've got Beckett, Lackey, and Lestah drunk-eyed and covered with chicken grease.

 

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And they don't grow back

Mike:
Sigh. Now Lestah has succumbed to the compulsion to tell "his side of the story" to the media.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Please make it stop. Stop. StopStopStop.

 

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Mike:
Seriously. Can't they all just go on the Jerry Springah show and have it all out and then neatly wrapp it up within a 60 minute time box?

 

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Susan/Circle:
I dunno. I think to get on Springah or any of those shows you need eithah a paternity case or a sex tape to be involved.

 

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Mike:
Can you imagine Lackey in a sex tape?

 

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Susan/Circle:
Dude, you just like cauterized a dozen a of my eggs.

 

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Make way for intelligent user agents

Doug:
Well, things have finally reached the nadir. I'm agreeing with the CHB on this one.

 

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Doug:
"I love the notion that the Sox are in their offices working furiously to correct the problems of 2011 and make things better for 2012 . . . all while Epstein is still running baseball ops. Don’t they usually change the locks and walk you to your car when you take a job at a competitor?"

 

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Bill:
Meanwhile, you can take Epstein but you can't have Carmine.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, well, Carmine is so yestahday.

 

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OK, if we're gonna go all trash talk and all...

Al:
OK. I think it's time for a moratorium on Red Sox news items coming from the MSM and their coterie.

 

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Al:
I mean this "he said, she said mudslinging" is below my dignity.

 

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Doug:
And considering that time you were so drunk you tried to take a whizz in the punch bowl at your cousin's nuptials, that's a pretty friggin low bah of dignity.

 

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Al:
Who the fuck puts punch in a porcelain bowl? I mean really?

 

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Mike:
Al's point is a valid one though. I mean if I'm gonna read trashy gossip, I'd prefer to read it on the blogs of snarky, queer, celebrity gossip bloggahs.

 

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Al:
Seriously. I mean the writing is fah bettah as things go.

 

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Doug:
Not to mention the T&A and pics of A-List camel toe.

 

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