Mike:
Since scoring at least 10 runs in 3 of 4 games in mid-June, the Sox have only scored 15 runs in the last 7 and are a sobering. 1-6 in that stretch.
Doug:
Welcome to April in June, it's deja vu all ovah again.
Doug:
Red Sox in first, there's day baseball at Fenway today, it's summah, and the girls are wearing those little sundresses with the shouldahs and freckles.
Mike:
Love the shouldahs all Robin-egged speckled.
Doug:
A summah without freckles is like a night without stahs.
Doug:
Dood, I've gotta lay off the friggin purple haze + skunk cross strain.
Bill:
Yeah, what happened this time?
Doug:
There's a fucking pandemonium in my space-time continuum...
Doug:
I mean last night, for instance, I'm watching the Sox game and in the 7th inning I see David Ortiz draw a 2 out intentionally walk and then, feverishly high on the haze-skunk, I swear I saw Ortiz come up *again* in the *same* inning!
Doug:
I know, I know... Not.Friggin.Possible.
Bill:
Yeah, well, put this in your German vaporizah and inhale it...
Bill:
The Red Sox have scored 10 or more runs in:
3 of the last 4 games
6 of the last 12 games
and 4 of the 7 games against NL opponents.
Doug:
Well, since you put it that way, scuse me while I kiss the sky.*
Mike:
And let's break this mofo badassness down shall we...
Mike:
They've taken 24 out of 31 with 19 road games...
Mike:
A 100 win team playing this schedule would have been expected to go 18-13 or 19-12.
Mike:
A team playing at a 107-108 win pace in order to finish at 100 after stahting 17-20 would have gone 20-11.*
Mike:
And what did the Sox just go?
Steve:
24-7!
Mike:
Take it to the bridge!
Steve:
What perfect timing to be taking the hot knife though some National League butter.
Mike:
Of course once again we're getting the shaft on the so-called "designated rivals" meme... The Yankees get the .493 Mets, the Rays get the .464 Marlins and the Sox get the .629 Phillies.
Steve:
Mike, are you scared of the Phillies?
Mike:
Fuck no. You?
Steve:
Let's put it this way...
Steve:
If the situation right now could be encapsulated in a single Japanese fetish photograph, the Sox offense and Sox defense are the two man-steeds and the rest of the league is wearing a frilly dress and pensively waiting for something nasty to happen to it, something very nasty.
Bill:
But something tells me the Bruins need to find a way to win in Vancouver if they plan to sip champagne from Lord Stanley's cup.
Mike:
I tell you what. Unlike the Quelle Canule, at least the Bruins have been in every game as the away team.
Bill:
Win or lose, I am looking forward to the the close out of the NHL season and a return to a 100% focus on baseball and baseball alone for the rest of the summah.
Mike:
♫ Summahtime and the livin is easy / Bats are hittin' / and the pitchahs are fine.
Bill:
♪ Oh, your payroll's rich / And your Papi's good lookin / There goes young Ellsbury / BigBri's gonna cry.
Mike:
Go easy now... I read a comment on a creep website yestahday implying that somehow Red Sox fans taking an especial joy in beating the Yankees is evidence of a latent inferiority complex.
Susan/Circle:
Yeah, yeah, what friggin evah...
Mike:
I know typical Yankees fan desire to change the subject when they know they are getting their asses beat down.
Susan/Circle:
And the "inferiority" angle is such complete bullshit.
Susan/Circle:
I mean our dislike for the Yankees and unabashed joy in beating them isn't just about emotion, it's in our friggin DNA.
Susan/Circle:
It's Nature with a capital "N"...
Susan/Circle:
Look...Does the Jack Russell feel inferiah to the rat?
Susan/Circle:
Does the Eagle feel inferiah to the snake?
Susan/Circle:
Does the Orca feel inferiah to the seal?
Mike:
No, no, and fuck no!
Susan/Circle:
Exactly.
Susan/Circle:
So I say, summon your innah Red Sox Jack Russell as you shake and snap the Yankee rat neck in your natural expression of joy in knowing for the first time since 1913, the Red Sox have swept two three-game series from the Yankees in New York.
Susan/Circle:
So I say, summon your innah Red Sox eagle pwnage as you swoop down and grab the Yankee snake in your talons knowing the the Sox are 8-1 against the Yankees this season and have outscored them 60-37.
Susan/Circle:
So I say, summon your innah Red Sox Orca as you toss the Yankee baby seal into the air before crushing its tendah blubbah in your mighty winnahs in 15 of the last 20 games Red Sox orca jaw.
Mike:
You, my sweetness, are one righteous, bitch.
Bill:
He may be a dumbass inbred redneck, but damnit, he's our dumbass inbred redneck.
Bill:
Meanwhile, tied for first and the Red Sox have taken 6 of 7 from the Yankees in thus fah in '11.
Doug:
Yeah, and yet that somehow came as surprise to me. We've really taken 6 of 7?
Bill:
Look, dude, I keep tellin' you... until you lay off the hydro it's only gonna get worse.
Doug:
Worse? Or bettah?
Bill:
Yeah, it's all fun and games now until somebody's so high they forget they've left their RealDoll in the cah with the window's rolled up on a hot summah's day.
Doug:
Hey, that's not fucking funny!
Bill:
Of course not. It's friggin Dollicide is what it is.
Doug:
I have zero tolerance for irresponsible stonahs... zero.
Bill:
How can the stah of the book, the focal point for the entire OBP philosophy, the "Greek Gods of Walks" none othah than our own Kevin Youkilis *not* be a charactah in the friggin film?
Lisa the Temp:
Lisa is just now returning from a long term assignment at the World Bank IMF.
Lisa the Temp:
That's right, peeps, super important world finance work.
Lisa the Temp:
It was draining...
Lisa the Temp:
I mean what an incredibly dedicated and focused bunch of people.
Lisa the Temp:
Day and night, night and day, they are relentless in pursuit of filling any void.
Lisa the Temp:
Lisa spent many a long day graciously rejecting their heartfelt overtures to inject a stimulus into the Bank of Lisa... Front door or back it's all "Knock. Knock Knock. Hello, IMF dude here... If you don't let me in Ima effin gonna huff and ima effin gonna puff and ima effin gonna value your currency down.".
Lisa the Temp:
But don't worry, peeps, Lisa knows how to keep the Fannie Mae solvent.
Lisa the Temp:
What's that? My riffs are a couple weeks past their expiration date?
Lisa the Temp:
Well, what can I say, I've been behind a firewall the past 2 months.
Lisa the Temp:
Oh, wait, that's right I need to translate that into your local dialect...
Been behind a FIAH wall.
Lisa the Temp:
Oh, c'mon now, you know you love it when Lisa favors you with a flirty neg.
Bill: They're fucking boring. That's what they are. Bore-or-or-ing.
Bill: And I don't just mean "boring" in the simple sense, you know that of an unwelcome confinement or monotony, though there is that...
Bill: No, I'm talking about boredom on the existential level — During a Red Sox losing streak, the condition of existence *itself* is boring.
Mike: So it's like how Byron put it in Don Juan, Red Sox Nation "is now one polish’d horde, / Form’d of two mighty tribes, the Bores and Bored"?
Bill: Not quite. The pink hattah slash talk on cellphone during the game crowd are universally immune to boredom.
Mike: Yeah, why is that?
Bill: It's genetic.
Mike: Genetic? OK but how exactly does an inability to experience boredom equate to a species advantage?
Bill: Think about it... When the inevitable Singularity event occurs and the human race becomes subservient to our robot ovahlords, who is in a bettah position for survival —
Those with a predisposition to world-weariness and Sartrean nausea or those smiling bemusedly aftah their umpteenth consecutive hour of playing Angry Birds?
