Doug: I think we should get a brick in Pinto's name and engrave it with "I'd rather be curling."
Mike: The funny thing about that Bucky Dent stuff is how "meh" it is these days.
Doug: Seriously. Getting riled ovah a Bucky Dent reference is like turning on the TV this morning and seeing hundreds of mounted Redcoats in the Royal Wedding Processional and getting all pissed off because the British burned down the White House in 1812.
Doug: Ancient fucking history.
Mike: Speaking of the Royal Wedding, as much pomp and pageantry as there was in that processional from Westminster Abbey to Buckingham Palace...
Susan/Circle:
So when Gina Panalphabetis says that what really attracted her to Tek was that he "opened up," what she really means is once she got a look at the Quadzilla she released her inner slutopoulous.
Mike:
Mee-oow. Cat fight.
Susan/Circle:
No, no, I mean that in a good way... But c'mon, take off the pink hat, Gina Tingapolous, already and drop the "Ooh I'm looking for a sensitive, open, emotive man" bullshit.
Susan/Circle:
Because last time I checked, whiny, apologizing, coddling mama's boy betas aren't in short supply.
Your omniscient author in absentia: Hope you had a pleasant Easter. A certain team we know seems to be doing OK (I will say no more for reasons that I will say nothing about.)
Back to a normal schedule tomorrow (Tuesday, 4/26).
Mike:
So ol' man Scrivener says we can split for Patriots' Day as soon as we tie up the loose ends.
Al:
Doesn't this happen every year? The rest of the office is out getting pissah drunk and while here we are?
Doug:
Seriously. Even Lisa the Temp probably has the day off.
Mike:
Well, it's what comes with having a strong Calvinist work ethic... and by work ethic I mean, of course, an unquenchable fascination with procrastination.
Doug:
Hey, I voted for procrastination before I put off voting against it.
Al:
Listen my children and you shall hear
of the gyroball pitchah who disappeared.
Doug:
On the eighteenth of April, in twenty eleven
Please let Dice-K make it through seven
Mike:
In the hour of dahkness and peril and need,
The people will grow quiet, in dread and fear
The repeating 3-2 counts make it hard to succeed
Fuck! Bautista just launched one out to Revere.
Bill:
It all happened with such speed and efficiency that we fast forwarded through the panic scenes and went directly to the denouement.
Doug:
It's the mindset we had when we were kids...You could watch the Sox get crushed at both ends of of double-headah...
Doug:
And 5 minutes latah you'd be out with your buds playing a game of Whiffle and imitating the mannerisms and peculiarities of your fave Sox playahs.
Bill:
It's like they say, "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten"
Al:
Hey, you know, if the Sox just play .650 ball the rest of the way, it's the big one with two zeros.
Doug:
Yep, and if I could just get 3 minutes with Mila Kunis to work my impeccable Alpha gamesmanship, she'd be feeling the primordial tug of sweet gina ting.
Mike:
Yeah, and if the goverment could just eliminate Medicare, Social Security, the Department of Defense, and move everyone to Canada, it's bye-bye budget deficit.
Al:
So what are you sayin?
Doug:
I'm sayin this is a good time to find some other devoted diversion.
Mike:
Hey, remembah — "It's a marathon, not a sprint"™
Susan/Circle:
You know, at its more puerile, that metaphor is serviceable...
Susan/Circle:
But if you actually follow the trope through, it falls all the fuck apaht.
Mike:
Seriously. Doesn't mattah if there are 26.2 miles if you're friggin gasping and wheezing and pissing blood at mile mahkah one.
Susan/Circle:
And there's a couple Kenyans out ahead of you running barefooted.
Mike:
Yeah, like somehow it's reasonable to assume that, you know I got my ass kicked in this sprint, but just give me more miles, dude, and I'll show Akili and Darweshi up there just what speed and endurance is all the fuck about.
Susan/Circle:
People forget that there's a reason it's called "Hahtbreak Hill" and not "Take the Lead Hill."
Al:
The pundits are tossing around the meme that it was his "Best.Outing.Ever."
Mike:
Sure as hell was impressive.
Al:
Gave me that nostalgic tingle of previous Red Sox pitching dominance ovah the Yankees -- Bloody Sock Game, Pedro's 1 hit, 17 SO game...
Doug:
And best thing about it? Watching it was like rinsing the mouth out with Listerine aftah eating the shit sandwich that we were fed the past week.
Al:
So here's the thing... Moving forward which team is the real team – The one that has opened the season 2-7? Or the one that took 2 of 3 in it's opening home series against the MFY's?
Al:
Seriously. I'm in a friggin conundrum. Do I cheer or chastize? Rope or dope? Hem or haw?
Mike:
I'm not going to do anything.
Al:
Nothing? I can't just do nothing. I've got too much Calvinist cultural world view coursing through my New England veins.
Mike:
Here's how you work that...
Mike:
In not knowing what to do, you've actually done something, which is the not knowing, so you do nothing.
Doug:
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, now batting, the guru, Mike Siddhartha Sweeney.
Al:
I wish I'd had that line back when I was a teenagah and my dad was yelling at me to stop laying around the house loafing...
Al:
"Dad, I'm not lazy, I'm enlightened."
Doug:
And your dad would have been all, "I'm gonna enlight you upside the head you lil' prick."
Mike:
While drinking a Narragansett and puffing a Marlboro.
Doug:
Memo the the Red Sox offense: The government shutdown does not apply to you.
Bill:
You know, for the first 8 innings yestahday, I thought the Red Sox would surely find a win to end the streak.
Doug:
Met too, but that thinking turned out to be a total Kloppenburg.
Bill:
Oddly, I find myself not feeling as totally morose ovah an 0-6 staht as I would have thought.
Doug:
That's called "being in shock."
Bill:
Maybe. But I can't help but look at the bright side.
Doug:
There's a fucking bright side? Do pray tell.
Bill:
One, Lestah out-pitched Carmona. Two, as Pinto points out, despite the 0 and 6, the Red Sox eithah pitched well enough or hit well enough in five of the game to win.
Bill:
They just haven't been able to do both at the same time.
Doug:
Dude, if that's the bright side then it's time to invest in compact fluorescents, because it's gonna be a dahk summah.
Steve:
Then they proceeded to lose another 16 games in April to finish out the month at a nasty 7-19...
Steve:
But the carnage didn't end there as they went into the All Star Break at an abysmal 36-49 and were essentially toast, dry toast, no butter whatsoever.
Steve:
But they did have one fuck of a second half and ended up 85-77 on the season, though 7 games back in the East. Clap. Clap. ClapClapClap.
Mike:
I'm going to choose to go with the Yankees comparison.
