Bill:
So if some talented free agent is wandering around high on skunk and convinced he's being followed, it may not be the THC talking. He may have a point.
Doug:
In the words of the sagacious Kurt Cobain,
"Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't aftah you."
Bill:
It makes total sense for the Red Sox to exploit this capability. All the most powahful organizations have a secret, intelligence gathering branch.
Doug:
Yeah, but the Red Sox need a bettah name for it. Calling them "scouts" just isn't cutting it.
Doug:
I mean they need a name inspires fear, like "The Stasi" which in my mind is hands down the best name evah for an effective and repressive secret intelligence gathering unit.
Bill:
I dunno. Stasi is good and all, but being an old school Catholic taught by nuns sorta guy, I don't think any name evah is bettah than "The Inquisition."
Bill:
I mean just think about it...
Bill:
When some prospect is found in a hotel room with two teenag girls, a mirror full of coke, and a JAXA tweetbot he can exclaim –
Tara:
"Just weeks shy of his 39th birthday, Varitek could easily pass for 10 years younger. His biceps ripple his jersey. His quads resemble a pair of tree trunks. His chest could pass for a Jersey barrier. His hairline hasn’t even receded."
Susan/Circle:
Tree trunks?
Tara:
Tree trunks.
Susan/Circle:
Oak?
Tara:
Harder.
Susan/Circle:
Hard maple?
Tara:
Harder.
Susan/Circle:
Bloodwood?
Tara:
Harder.
Susan/Circle:
???
Tara:
Tek-wood.
Susan/Circle:
!
Susan/Circle:
I think I need to go, er, powdah my nose.
Mike:
You know as corny and cliche as it sounds, hearing that the Red Sox are "embracing" the 2011 expectations that have been placed upon them makes me feel all tingly.
Doug:
Seriously, the 2011 Red Sox are going to be the Charlie Sheens of the pantheon — whatevah comes along they'll take it, pay for it, and snort coke off its metaphorical ass.
Mike:
That's not to say that we won't wake up at season's end with rug burns and the ache of unfulfillment.
Doug:
Speaking of unfulfillment, how do you think the Japanese astronauts on the International Space Station are going to feel?
Doug:
I mean first they get setup with the titillating news from JAXA that they're getting a top of the line Japanese shebot.
Doug:
Seriously. And following Dice-K's raising of the bah for personal achievement, my goal for the 2011 summah will be as follows...
Doug:
To not hit the chronic on Saturdays any earlier than, say, lunch. And if I do happen to wake and bake that I do not do so with the skunk.
Bill:
Heh. Remembah that Saturday last June when you got lost in the North End on the skunk?
Doug:
Well, it wasn't so much "lost" as it was an uncertainty of were I was going because of the profound — some would say disturbing — spatial disorientation that is a characteristic of skunk.
Doug:
And it wasn't so much the spatial disorientation as it was my absolute conviction that I was being surveilled by Mossad.
Bill:
Good times.
Doug:
A skunk-scented room,
where clouds swirl in bong water
deeper than the sea.
Lisa the Temp:
So, peeps, what if someone created a computer program that superimposed a critical mass of face photos to create an average composite of all the faces?
Lisa the Temp:
And what if someone did this for the native women of 41 different countries around the world?
Lisa the Temp:
Who would look the most beautiful?
Who would look the most bitchy?
Who would look the most likely to cook you dinner on the second date?
Who would look quite likely to teabag your Earl Grays?
Bill: You know the best thing about knowing that aftah championship games the losing team's pre-printed "champions" clothing gets donated to those in need?
Mike: That the tired, the poor, the huddled masses get a chance at new clothing for the first time in their wretched lives?
Bill: Well, there's that but what's even bettah is thinking that somewhere in some fah off 3rd World cornah of the globe, one of these homeless, tempest-tost souls is wearing a "2004 NY Yankees ALCS Champions" t-shirt.
Mike:
Look, it's like this... If Dice-K is the answer, then I don't want to know the friggin question.
Bill:
"I'll take 'Japanese Horror Shows' for $50 Million, Alex."
Mike:
The beauty of this, and I mean beauty in a Haiku about cormorants sorta way, is that there is a certain team just to the south that would love to have a throwaway-san like Dice-K.
