He was my North, my South, my East and West

On Saturday morning, our family dog, my dearest, sweetest buddy Butch passed away quietly while sleeping on the kitchen floor after his morning walk.

He was 10 and a half years old, which isn't that old as far as dogs go, but for his breed, the American Bulldog, it was on the long side.

I am so grateful that he went peacefully, without pain, and seemingly in great spirits. He was a very good dog right until the very end.

And though I'd been trying to prepare myself for the inevitability of what Walt Whitman called "the sure-enwinding arms of cool-enfolding Death" for about a year now, and especially so since his tumor and consequent splenectomy last October, nevertheless his passing has brought on a level of bereavement I was not at all able to anticipate.

I'm astounded at just how badly I feel. I'm battered by a relentless tide of melancholy that just keeps cresting and crashing down upon at me.

This morning as I sit here writing, my sorrow is especially heavy, for he was always here as I prepared the daily strip, waiting patiently lying down on the Persian rug in front of my desk, or if he or his bladder wasn't in a waiting mood, nuzzling his snout under my forearms and lifting my hands from the keyboard with his strong, muscled neck.

And it was on our morning walks that nearly all of the Soxaholix strips were conceived, in the dark, beneath the stars, a dog and a man each in their own little worlds but cleaved together, inseparably as one. Often I'd work aloud the dialog parts between Mike, Bill, Doug et al, while Butch went about his own important daily ritual of sniffing and marking, sniffing and marking.

And he was with me, literally right beside me, pressed against my leg or head in my lap, for every Red Sox moment since Spring of 2000. Through three different places we called home, he was there, listening to the radio broadcast or watching TV, from Jurassic Carl, thru Kerrigan, and thru the improbable comeback in Oakland in 03 and the eventual game 7 ALCS heartbreak later, thru the Schilling Thanksgiving and every moment of the drama of 2004, he was there with me.

He was always right there with me.

So my heart is heavy this morning, and I cannot write a strip. It just hurts too much. Everything. And I don't know how long this tremendous ache and emptiness will last.

For now I have become like the speaker in Auden's "Funeral Blues" —

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

– Hart

 

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Comments

[Bob]

My condolences, H.B.

In the words of Carl Sandberg:

Let an epitaph read:
He loved the straight eyes of dogs and the strong heads of men.

[Tom from GA]

So sorry to hear of your loss. I am sure that he will live forever in your loving memory.

[ABandMM]

My condolences on the passing of your Butch, quite the handsome fellow. I lost my heart dog 4 years ago and I still miss her but I treasure our memories. May your memories with Butch help you through the coming weeks.

[da kine]

Dang.

[Natalie]

I am sitting in the London office trying not to let my coworkers see me cry silently and saltily, reading this incredibly moving eulogy for your beloved Butch. As someone who in random perverse moments can bring herself to flowing tears contemplating the 'someday' loss of her 4 years young and spry Tess, I only have a narrow glimpse into your pain, but I can imagine its deep, affective, leeching pervasiveness. I know all pet owners grieve with you, and am so profoundly sorry for your loss, hb.


"People have been trying to understand dogs ever since the beginning of time. One never knows what they'll do. You can read every day where a dog saved the life of a drowning child, or lay down his life for his master. Some people call this loyalty. I don't. I may be wrong, but I call it love--the deepest kind of love." - Where the Red Fern Grows, one of the best man and his dog books ever written.

[soxdownunder]

As ever, can't put it better than Natalie. :-(

[Ray in MD]

a beautiful tribute - so sorry for your loss.

[Jerry in Japan]

Thanks for sharing this incredibly important moment in your life with us! Take care!

[Colin]

Just three weeks ago I lost my Black Labrador, Tucker, who passed away sleeping as well. He was 14 years old which of course was good for his breed as well, but I'll always miss his personality. If it wasn't for the fur and everything, you'd swear he was human. He was a good dog and I'm sure Butch was too. My condolences.

[kirsten]

So deeply deeply sorry for your loss. It is brutally unfair that dogs do not live longer. They are the best of us. I am going to go hug my "first-born" Henry now.

[soxinsix]

I've been reading the strip forever but never posted till now. I am truly sorry for your loss.

[David Pinto]

My condolences. We had a friend just go through this as well. Hope you feel better soon.

[Jimmy]

Sorry for your loss. It sounds like he lived a good, full life with caring owners.

[h.b.]

Thanks, everyone. The condolences help.

Natalie, I did the same contemplation of 'someday' and bringing myself to tears at various stages of Butch's life. And did so a whole lot the past few months, for he really started to slow down and age quite a bit recently.

This was part of the preparation that I thought would help. Maybe it did, though it's difficult to imagine hurting any more than I do right now.

The most unexpected thing, for me, is how the grief is not just mental but physical as well. I quite literally ache and I'm sick to my stomach.

[vermonter]

Sorry for the loss, hb. Man's Best Friend indeed.

[COD]

That was beautiful HB, just beautiful. My condolences on Butch's passing.

[Ellen]

I am very sorry for your loss. Your tribute was beautiful. Rest in Peace, Butch.

[louclinton]

chin up, young feller.

doggedly,

lc

[Jeff in NC]

h.b., My wife and I have been through your pain twice in the last few years. Once a dog, once a horse (and for my wife the horse may have been even worse). We knew it was coming and it din't help one tiny bit. The heart wrenching is unbelievable - I know. My dearest sympathies. I know it sounds trite, but in awhile you'll think of Butch and smile.

[Rob in CT]

As one dog person to another, please accept my condolences along with everyone else's here. Better thinkers and writers than I have tried to describe that inimitable bond between man and dog, and to little avail. Natalie is right. It is a love and devotion of the deepest sort. Take comfort in the belief firmly held that all dogs DO go to Heaven.

[Hailey]

I've been through this twice in my life so far. The second harder than the first. Dogs are the truest of friends. I am very sorry for your loss. You will always miss your friend but it does get easier in weeks and months to come. Although friends can not be replaced, it is always nice to make new ones. You'll know when you're ready for that step, but it does help with the empty feeling in the house...when you're ready.

[Kaz]

Just like so many other loved ones, Butch was able to share in 2004 and 2007 with you. At least the Red Sox won it during his generation and he was alive to see it.

For his family hadn't seen a Red Sox World Series victory since his great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather Jebediah Bulldog. 10 generations of Bulldogs between World Series wins and Butch got to see two of them.

[IsaacL]

You never expect losing a dog to hurt that much, but it always does. About ten years ago when we lost our first, I was twelve. A few weeks before, when I knew she didn't have a lot of time left, I had to go to a funeral for the father of someone I knew, but I had never met the deceased. I spent the time thinking about Millie and ended up weeping. There really is no companion like it. Thanks for that fantastic eulogy Hart.

[mwl in MD]

My condolences. Beautifully put (and many of the comments, too). I'm getting teary-eyed remembering our Spot, who died in 1978.

[Natalie]

I know that pain, hb, it's the ache of emptiness: your stomach hurts like someone starved, as though your guts had been hollowed out... and your bones - having lost some intrinsic foundational ballast- ache from trying to keep your body from imploding in on itself. And it's so immediate and sharp with dogs because their love is the simplest, sweetest, the most forgiving, the most generously gifted.

But it will pass. It definitely will. Time, and the beauty of memory, heals. And if one of your stages of grief is to relive all of Butch's best moments in loving detail, know you have a lot of dog-loving readers who will certainly indulge- and enjoy the story-telling. :) Please take care.

[garnfellow]

I am truly sorry for your loss, hb. I reluctantly became a dog owner 3-1/2 years ago, and it was the most wonderful decision I never made. Clearly Butch was a lucky dog: it's a shame more people couldn't be given as sweet an elegy as that which you've offered up for your pooch.

[Seamus]

My deepest Condolences, Hart. It really is just astounding how much dogs mean to us. Even as I write this my own elderly dog is wedged into a wingback chair watching me through drowsy, half-opened eyes. I think what I love most about dogs is the simple fact that in such glib, irony-laden times these goofy animals who eat cat turds and drink out of the toilet never fail to inspire such noble feelings in so many people.

There's a bumper sticker that reads: "Lord help me become the person my dog thinks I am." Funny that we sometimes do become that person thanks to our dogs.

[granular_serene]

hang in there h.b.

[Jim in Denver]

We're very sorry for your loss, H.B. A companion like that is a special thing. I know it's the furthest thing from your mind now, but there's another great dog who needs a loving master out there.

[bucker was framed]

I can't possibly improve upon your incredibly moving tribute, hb. My own personal struggles of the past few years were not completely resolved until I adopted a hound from TN a couple years ago, and now I can't imagine life without the goofball in it. So, in Butch's honor, I'm going to go rassle me a coonhound and then pee on the neighbor's cat

[h.b.]

I love the dog stories you are sharing. I've smiled and chuckled for the first time since that morning.

[LarryE]

I am so very sorry about Butch, h.b. A tear literraly fell into my morning coffee as I read your beutiful eulogy. You know that your Soxaholix family will be thinking of you and your loss.

Time will heal but it doesn't feel that way right now.

[Beth]

Wherever in the world Butch is right now, I hope he has an endless supply of Milkbones to eat and butts to sniff.

Wherever you are in your world right now, I hope that knowing Butch is having a grand ol' time brings you a moment of peace.

[beth]

So sorry for your loss. Take your time.

[L.J. Hummel]

Hart - My deepest sympathies. Our dogs bring us so much in our home - I am so sorry your own home is now bereft of the joy Butch brought with him. L.J.

[DuBois]

Dude.

[Soulie]

As a first time dog owner, but long time pet owner, I know how awful this feeling is. That the depth and strength are frightening. They are, afterall, just animals, right? But they are companions, part of the family.

I took my buddy Jack in the woods this weekend. He's about seven, hound/lab mix. It is wonderful to see a hike through his eyes and his nose, but this was a little bittersweet. He tired earlier, and is taking longer to regain his step. He isn't old, but he is getting older, and his muzzle is going from red to white. Best of luck, Hart. Write when it feels like the correct thing to do. Your audience will still be here.

[Steve in MD]

Sorry to hear about your loss h.b. I went through the same thing seventeen years ago, (and will be going through it again very soon I'm afraid). I'd been in the military a long time at that point and dealt with a lot of death, but I was still stunned how much it hurt). Take care - time really does heal all.

[DianeN]

Also a first-time poster, also crying in my coffee. When my yellow lab Tucker died, my dad left me a phone message that offered condolences but ended with "so suck it up and get yourself another dog". I thought that was pretty callous, esp coming from my sweet dad. 4 months of tears later, another yellow lab that needed a home came my way. The hole in my heart was filled. My Dad was right. I told this new dog I'd never love her as much as I did Tucker, but we all know how that goes...
Don't expect to feel better soon. Thank you for the laughs and tears you bring all us Soxaholix.

[dhr]

Sorry to hear, hb. It's the hardest thing. I made this poster for my cousin a few months back when he had to put down his dog after a bad case of lyme disease:

http://i115.photobucket.com/albums/n292/tphowes/personal/rory.jpg?t=1274107236

[Harwich Rich]

My heart goes out to you h.b.-I'm hurting just thinking of your loss :((

[soxoshanka]

Sorry for your loss hb. Thanks for sharing that beautifully written tribute.

[redsock]

I'm so sorry to hear about Butch. What a handsome boy.

Dogs are amazing creatures -- they give *so* much and ask so little. The sadness is crushing -- we have said good-bye to 3 dogs and it has hurt more each goddamn time -- but it does pass and you will be able to think back on a decade of wonderful memories without totally losing it.

Win it for Butch.

[SAC]

I was 8 when I wept all night at the loss of our dog. And felt so guilty & weird, because I had not cried at all at the loss of grandparents.

[PDX RSN]

HB - I feel your pain and sorrow. The unconditional love that our 4 legged family members give us is precious. We have a 10 year old Great Dane that we adopted in October 2004. She still has spirit, but I know her body is not as strong as it once was. It's sad that they can't live with us forever.

[meredith]

My condolences, HB. I'm a cat person, not a dog person, but I still know exactly what you are going through. Our oldest cat is 16 and in the final stages of renal failure, and I know that no matter how much advance mental preparation I do, the day when he finally goes is going to be incredibly difficult.

Take the time you need to grieve. Our pets are our family, it's a perfectly natural thing.

[ponch]

A beautiful tribute. May you soon to remember only the good things and good times he gave you. I've been through this too many times myself and the simple truth is, it was a member of the family. Extreme condolences.

[Jason O.]

Ave atque valle, Butch.

[HunterStars]

oh man, sorry h.b.

[sonomasox]

beautiful tribute, HB. my condolences. butch will certainly live on in these words and all our memories.