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Doug:
Ah, yes, nothing quite like chahging into the playoffs by losing 5 straight including getting nonchalantly flicked like a boogah off the nose of the pinstriped 800 lb playoff gorilla.
Doug:
Yeah, she's hot alright if your idea of hot is a droopy sunken-eyed corpse, wannabe bitch.
Doug:
Which, of course, would go a long way in explaining why you'd think this walking cadahvah that is the 2009 Red Sox isn't going to be buried deep in the postseason.
Doug:
OK, let me say this slooowly so it sinks in —
Doug:
The Yankees were built to win.
Doug:
The Red Sox, conversely, were built with a money saving rostah just good enough to get just close enough to sniff the playoff poon.
Al:
Hey, Doug, Paddy24 just called, he wants his persona back.
Doug:
Hahdy hah hah... laugh all you want.
Doug:
We'll see how hahd you're laughing when the Yankees are raising the pennant for numbah 27 while John Henry is on his knees delivering another Red Sox golden goose egg to bridezilla.
Notice:
The Soxaholix will be back soon.
Doug:
Seriously, considering that "the only thing that mattahs is making the postseason," I sure do feel pretty crappy getting swept.
Al:
Could be worse, at least the Pats won.
Doug:
Could be worse, you could be Roman Polanski.
Mike:
Seriously. In basements all across this great land, pinstriped-pajama clad homahs are furiously one-handedly typing their anticipatory message board paeans to World Series MVP Joba Chamberlain.
Doug:
And neithah are the NY media immune to the celebration of the coming celebration, as Suzyn Waldman discovahs there's no such thing as "too much" when it comes to grease and a no-no hole.
Mike:
This premonitory victory story has such a happy ending that I heard Hollywood has already decided to make a movie about the Yankees miracle 2009 Word Series run.
Bill:
Is it just me or does it feel like we've been playing the Royals for weeks now.
Mike:
Yeah, it's that getting antsy time of year...
Mike:
And we just can't wait to be done with the regulah season and get to the post.
Bill:
There is no bettah feeling.
Mike:
Seriously. Delicious playoff bound autumn. My very soul is wedded to it.
Bill:
Hell yeah it is. If I were friggin bird I would fly about the earth
seeking the successive postseason autumns.
Mike:
And shitting on Yankees fans from above as I flapped my goddamned gossamah wings.
Al:
Seriously. Where the frig is Kanye when you need him?
Al:
"Yo KC, I'm really happy for you, Imma let you finish but Red Sox are one of the best teams of all time!"
Mike:
OK. So you know how people say "It ain't ovah until the fat lady sings"?
Mike:
Well, I'm here to tell you that's not true at all.
Mike:
No, it's not ovah ovah and by ovah I mean ovah in the Mayan calandah 2012 Ahmadinejad gets the bomb Jesus returns swingin his smite stick aliens copulating with humans sense of ovah ovah until...
Al:
I don't know what's worse. That this album actually exists or that there are people out there who rated it 5 friggin stahs!
Doug:
"Can't get enough FOX game of the week? Your iPod lacking in folksy narratives? Order yourself a copy" Are you shitting me?
Mike:
Hey, it's "Transplendental."
Al:
You know the friggin craziest thing is realizing that when McCarvah sings "I Wish I Didn't Love You So" he's thinking about Derek Jetah.
Your omniscient author in absentia:
I'm feeling about the way Wakefield looked last night, so I'm mailing it in today.
I'm not sick or anything (as far as I know), just really beat.
Mike:
The Red Sox went on a rough patch this summah, remembah?
Mike:
Remembah the mediocrity? The on pace to win 88 games on a papah and when watching the actual games it look like they'd be lucky to win 78?
Mike:
Remembah the rented sunsets? Remembah El Popup?
Mike:
Remembah watching grass grow with paint drying on it?
Mike:
This is the nature of sport -- it's unpredicatable. And that's why we watch and root and soak in the feelings both good and bad.
Mike:
So cheer the frig up people!
Al:
I'm sure nobody wanted to endure anothah Sciosa-led Angels crybaby fest.
Mike:
What the frig is wrong with Californians anyway?
Mike:
They live in the most temperate climate in the US, are only a car ride away from mountains or beaches or vineyards or desert and yet at the slightest sign of adversisty it's all Waa Waa call a Wambulance.
Doug:
I know just look at Schwarzeneggah fercrissakes.
Doug:
Guy goes from being a groupie banging, Terminatah-playing, orgy loving Austrian muscleman bad boy to what?
Doug:
To being Maria Shrivah's p-whipped houseboy and whiney Governah Nanny to the biggest Nanny-state of all is what.
Al:
You know who I feel bad for are the ex-pat New Englandahs living out there.
Al:
I mean it's gotta be tough for a stoic, steel-balled minus 10 in wintah and 3 months of summah Masshole to put up with the incessant candy-assed piss and moan fest out there.
Mike:
Seriously. Look what it did to Simmons.
Bill:
Is it me or are the Sox stahting to show evidence of having a late-season mystical aura about them?
Mike:
And how about this numerical symmetry — the Magic Numbah is now 11, that's a 1 and a 1, and they are 6½ back of the Yankees for the Division and 6½ ahead of the Rangahs for the Wild Cahd.
Bill:
Wow. I expect to look up in the stands and see a tweed sport-coated Robert Langdon sitting there.
Mike:
Seriously. The Red Sox have all the makings for a formulaic Dan Brown novel.
Mike:
Wizened, handsome, incredible rich old yet still virile dude running everything from behind the scenes?
Bill:
Classy, attractive, super-smaht, female lead who holds the key to unlocking the mystery?
Bill:
Bonjour, Janet Marie Smith.
Mike:
Right the same Janet Marie Smith who while going doing the renovation of Fenway discovahs something almost too fascinating to describe …
Mike:
The dimensions of Fenway which Updike referred to as "a compromise between Man's Euclidean determinations and Nature's beguiling irregularities" actually hold a fah deepah mystery!
Bill:
Absolutely the height of the wall, the left field distance, the Pesky Pole, the Triangle in deep centah are not mere coincidence.
Mike:
Oh, no, dear rubes, they are the result of a, pick one [Secret Catholic Cabal, Secret Illuminati Cabal, Secret Pagan Cabal] and Fenway is the very epicentah of hitherto, ancient, top secret, Key to All Things!!!!!!
Bill:
OMFG what a page turnah!
Mike:
And, of course, let us not forget Brown's favorite stock antagonist — the vaguely foreign narcissist with an awesomely sculpted body and bizarre sexual fetish that eventually leads to his downfall.
Bill:
Ah, Mr. A-Rod, your reputation precedes you.
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