It’s stranger than known

Bill:
So do you think Byrd is feeling 8 Miles High right about now?

 

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Mike:
Six innings, three hits, three walks and a month ago he was retired and throwing batting practice to 13 year old kids.

 

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Mike:
And people who don't follow baseball wondah why we love the game so much?

 

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Bill:
It is the stories like Byrd's that on any given day make me want to wedge my trans-fatted 2009 ass into the built for butts that have known potato-famine seats of Fenway ovah any othah seat in any othah venue dishing any othah entertainment offering.

 

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Mike:
Absolutely. Even a bad baseball game has more drama and surprise than 99% of what's showing at the local cineplex.

 

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Bill:
But no rolling buildings, no flaming meteor crashes, no cataclysmic tidal waves …

 

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Mike:
And no brooding and mopey comic book charactahs. Well, except for A-Rod.

 

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Time for each of us to step up to the plate

Bill:
Yowza, Tozawa!

 

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Doug:
Guess the tail end of the rotation isn't so stable aftah all. Whoops.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, what are you gonna do? When life hands you lemons, time to make lemonade and all that.

 

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Doug:
Or as I prefer to put it — When life bends you ovah and says "It's ream time!" you say, "No. It's not ream time, it's R2-D2 time, bitches!"

 

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Bill:
That's right. Fight the good fight.

 

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Doug:
Speaking of the good fight, if you haven't already done so, won't you please make a donation to Jimmy Fund?

 

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Bill:
Absolutely. Every one of us has a chance to make a difference.

 

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Doug:
"The Red Sox and the Jimmy Fund are interwoven like stitches on a baseball."

 

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Return of Sox swagger?

Doug:
This is the kind of headline you want to see as the days grow shortah and the fruit ripens —

"Tim Wakefield Deals, Papi Delivers"

 

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Mike:
Seriously, Timmmah and Walkoffs and then add in the emergence of Junichi Tazawa and may God smite me for saying it, Billy Wagner, and well, the glacier knocks in the cupboard, the desert sighs in the bed.

 

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Al:
And how about a little love for Brad Penny?

 

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Doug:
I'm sorry, I thought you said Brad Ain't-worth-the Moneypenny.

 

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Al:
C'mon. Dude was nevah expected to be the second coming of Pedro Martinez.

 

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Al:
But he came in, filled a need, kept his mouth shut and now is going out with totaly class. How often do you see that around these pahts?

 

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Mike:
And he dated Eliza Dushku.

 

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Doug:
OK. He gets ring.

 

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Mike:
Can I get a reverse gooch ovah heah?

 

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Fresh fruit

Bill:
Red Sox win. Kennedy dies.

 

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Mike:
I guess Teddy was hanging on until Jacoby Ellsbury broke the Red Sox single season steal record.

 

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Bill:
That was his way, you know, a true man of the people.

 

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Mike:
Especially the Native American peoples.

 

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Bill:
And the immigrant peoples.

 

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Mike:
And the IRA peoples.

 

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Bill:
Now he's with his God.

 

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Mike:
Somebody ring up St. Petah and tell 'em they're going to need some more Jameson's.

 

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Motion of the Ocean

Doug:
Ugh. I hope this Rosenthal story is true and that Wagner is going to exercise his no trade clause.

 

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Mike:
Really? Jeez, here I was hoping we could pay him a lot of money while watching him lose games and then ship him off to St. Louis. Where they'll tell him he's been tipping his pitches.

 

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Al:
What exactly is Theo's obsession with wanting to sign coming-off-injury National League pitchers on the wrong side of their career arc?

 

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Doug:
Seriously. Memo to Theo: These guys are like waves on the Maine Coast. Step away from the friggin edge, dumbass.

 

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Mike:
Fitting metaphor as the Sox are now drifting in a Wild Card current where is gathered the flotsam of the Sea of Chance.

 

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Al:
Float, mothahfuckahs, float!

 

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Now what?

Bill:
I can't seem to summon any emotion —

 

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Bill:
I mean we just lose 2 of 3 from the Yankees and are pronounced dead, our hitherto constant bright spot, not need to worry about this guy at least, Josh Beckett gave up 5 dingahs and has now given up 9 in his last 12 innings pitched.

 

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Bill:
Yet while I'm not apoplectic with "it's ovah!" rage neithah am feeling any sense of optimism.

 

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Bill:
I'm emotionally flat-lined.

 

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Mike:
Well, what do you expect, guy?. Aftah the back-back cognitive assaults of Tim McCarvah and Joe Morgan in the broadcast booth, you've easily lost 25% of your brain powah, probably more.

 

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Bill:
Seriously. I'm just happy to sharpen my Crayolas and have somebody wipe the drool from my chin.

 

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Mike:
Get you in a gold chain and too much Axe cologne and "Voila!" instant Yankees fan.

 

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Not a pretty sight

Marty (Yankees fan):
Hurry! Somebody call "waa!-1-1" for a wambulance!

 

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Marty:
There's been a massacre at Fenway!

 

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Marty:
Bwahahahahahha!

 

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Nursery schooled

Al:
Wow, the offense has awoken!

 

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Doug:
Gotta like what we're seeing in general.

 

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Mike:
Seriously. The Sox had three majah issues that were behind the skid. 1) Lack of a numbah 3 guy. 2) Weak defense on the left side. 3) No depth to spare the veterans.

 

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Mike:
So Buchholz steps up and they bring in Kotchman, Martinez and Gonzalez and all of a sudden the bleeding has been controlled.

 

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Doug:
I haven't felt this tingly good since I had a wide-mouthed snook at the end of my rod.

 

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Al:
Fishing in the Everglades?

 

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Doug:
No, a back alley at Hampton Beach.

 

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Mike:
And by Hampton, Doug really means to say Ogunquit.

 

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Al:
Hah. Speaking of dicks, you seen this latest from or ol' friend Murray Chass?

"There was a general manager who lived in a shoe he suddenly had so many holes to fill he didn’t know what to do."

 

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Mike:
Gotta hand it to Murray, he does know how to dish some Red Sox hate. Using all those nursery rhymes is pretty funny.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, well, here's one right back at him:

Hickory dickory dock, / Chass lubed his half inch cock, / He got it to one, / But 'Whoops!' Murray was done / Emasculatory, Dinky Cock!

 

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Tidy Times?

Susan/Circle:
Remy's coming back paht time.

 

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Susan/Circle:
The Buch and V-Maht seem to be turning into a coppah top battery.

 

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Susan/Circle:
David Ortiz is sucking less.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Youks is back, Timmah will be soon …

 

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Mike:
2 straight ovah the Jays …

 

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Susan/Circle:
So is the glass half full?

 

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Mike:
Are the times tidy? Do the cows milk cream an inch thick?

 

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Susan/Circle:
Or is this a comeback of the Britney Spears on Lettahman in a bikini sort of "comeback"?

 

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You say you want some evolution...

Bill:
Christ, I had a "the Red Sox are ruining my summah!" screed all shrink-wrapped and ready to go and what do they do but go out and actually manage to win a game.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, but of course, with the implosion of the 4-run lead and the nail bitah 9th, I'm guessing you won't need to worry about the expiration date on your package of screed.

 

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Bill:
Meanwhile, congrats to Pedroia and his wife on the birth of their first child, a son.

 

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Doug:
Yeah. The gene for premature male pattern baldness has been selected for anothah generation. They should have named the kid Darwin instead of Dylan.

 

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Bill:
You know Ted Williams first kid was born in Minnesota while he was snook fishing in the Everglades.

 

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Doug:
I bet he didn't attend birthing class eithah. What a prick.

 

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Bill:
Seriously, I'm so glad we've evolved and otherwise been brow beaten by modern culture to become such sensitive and caring men.

 

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Doug:
Absolutely. I mean guys like Williams would be off fucking around flying fightah jets in a war and shit instead of being there to say, "Honey, push, honey, push!"

 

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Bill:
What a degenerate sorry ass generation of men.

 

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