Mike:
And people who don't follow baseball wondah why we love the game so much?
Bill:
It is the stories like Byrd's that on any given day make me want to wedge my trans-fatted 2009 ass into the built for butts that have known potato-famine seats of Fenway ovah any othah seat in any othah venue dishing any othah entertainment offering.
Mike:
Absolutely. Even a bad baseball game has more drama and surprise than 99% of what's showing at the local cineplex.
Bill:
But no rolling buildings, no flaming meteor crashes, no cataclysmic tidal waves …
Mike:
And no brooding and mopey comic book charactahs. Well, except for A-Rod.
Mike:
Seriously,
Timmmah
and
Walkoffs
and then add in the emergence of Junichi Tazawa and may God smite me for saying it, Billy Wagner, and well, the glacier knocks in the cupboard, the desert sighs in the bed.
Bill:
Yet while I'm not apoplectic with "it's ovah!" rage neithah am feeling any sense of optimism.
Bill:
I'm emotionally flat-lined.
Mike:
Well, what do you expect, guy?. Aftah the back-back cognitive assaults of Tim McCarvah and Joe Morgan in the broadcast booth, you've easily lost 25% of your brain powah, probably more.
Bill:
Seriously. I'm just happy to sharpen my Crayolas and have somebody wipe the drool from my chin.
Mike:
Get you in a gold chain and too much Axe cologne and "Voila!" instant Yankees fan.
Mike:
Seriously. The Sox had three majah issues that were behind the skid. 1) Lack of a numbah 3 guy. 2) Weak defense on the left side. 3) No depth to spare the veterans.
Mike:
So Buchholz steps up and they bring in Kotchman, Martinez and
Gonzalez
and all of a sudden the bleeding has been controlled.
Doug:
I haven't felt this tingly good since I had a wide-mouthed snook at the end of my rod.
Bill:
Christ, I had a "the Red Sox are ruining my summah!" screed all shrink-wrapped and ready to go and what do they do but
go out and actually manage to win a game.
Doug:
Yeah, but of course, with the implosion of the 4-run lead and the nail bitah 9th, I'm guessing you won't need to worry about the expiration date on your package of screed.
Doug:
Yeah. The gene for premature male pattern baldness has been selected for anothah generation. They should have named the kid Darwin instead of Dylan.
Doug:
I bet he didn't attend birthing class eithah. What a prick.
Bill:
Seriously, I'm so glad we've evolved and otherwise been brow beaten by modern culture to become such sensitive and caring men.
Doug:
Absolutely. I mean guys like Williams would be off fucking around flying fightah jets in a war and shit instead of being there to say, "Honey, push, honey, push!"
Bill:
What a degenerate sorry ass generation of men.
Doug:
But here's what I don't get. Theo is willing to take a chance with Smoltz and Penny but with Pedro, one of the greatest pitchers in Red Sox history, he's all, "Meh, not interested"?
Mike:
Maybe the Sox were weary of Pedro's historical recalcitrance?
Bill:
I mean dude really is the protein and starch that feeds the rotation.
Mike:
Seriously. If Wakefield had been in the rotation the bullpen remains rested. If the bullpen is rested then it's not a stretch to imagine the Sox win both games at Tampa and get 2 of 4 in New York.
In his head, Bill, feeling both sullen and melodramatic, sings a song to himself set to the tune of "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" …
Bill (thinking to himself):
The legend lives on from ol' Mattapan on down of the mistake Theo made with John
Smoltzy.
Bill:
One mistake it is said, isn't too much to dread, unless compounded by Lugo and Penny.
Bill:
With thoughts of a ring more, this team we came to adore, but the tales of October were a bit early.
Bill:
The farm was the pride of the American side, Baseball Prospectus had told us. As salaries go, the roster was richer than most, and built for a 98 win season.
Bill:
At the All Star turn, the lead was most firm, and they hit the road believing. But later that trip after a 5 straight dip, crept in the worst sort of feeling.
Bill:
A couple blown saves and too many grounded into double plays, the
CHB
thought of Bambino.
Bill:
We learned Papi was on dope, but V-Mart gave us hope, entering the heart of the schedule.
Bill:
4 in a row and only a 1/2 game low, they went into Tampa with high spirits. But there at the Trop site of previous flops, this trend sadly continued.
Bill:
So swept by the Rays, Francona had little to say, Longoria was never seen so happy.
Bill:
Do or die time, was then the new line, from fans still very much behind them.
Bill:
But each passing day, the lead slipped further away, until even the wild card passed by them.
Bill:
Does anyone know where the love of God goes, when innings turn the minutes to hours?
Bill:
The Yankees and Rays at the end of the day, had
the best plans
to make runs for October.
Bill:
After 162 there was little to do, and Fenway stood sad, silent and empty.
Bill:
Later critics would say, they'd been a lock for postseason play, if the deal for King Felix had happened.
Bill:
The legend lives on from
Piscataqua
on down, of a season that ended too early.
Doug:
C'mon, guy, last night was one of the those ball bustahs that we may look back on at the end as where the wheels came off the clunkah before we got the cash.
Bill:
Yeah, but, even in the still very unlikely case that these guys are playing out the string of irrelevancy as the season winds down …
Bill:
Don't forget our othah option — Watching a healthy Tom Brady go absolutely Visogoth on the rest of the NFL.
Mike:
"In his second game
with the team and first as a catcher, Martinez went 5 for 6 with a double and four RBIs, exactly the performance the Sox hoped for when they dropped him in the middle of their lineup."
Bill:
Oh, Theo, you've done it again!
Mike:
Well, small sample size and all that but …
Mike:
Immediate impact? Check.
Mike:
Dynamic deflection of the news cycle away from the "Roid Sox"? Check.
Bill:
Wait, you mean we're not going to spend the entiah next few days in a metaphorical Turkish prison ovah the supposed taint?
Mike:
Nah, let's leave the Turkish prison melodramatics
to the CHB.
