Vacation Placeholder (04)

Your omniscient author in absentia:
Placeholder for Soxaholix readers to have something good to yak about while I'm on vacation.*

 

*[I'll be taking a break from the daily strips to enjoy some vacation time until next Weds., July 1st or thereabouts - H.B] …

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Vacation Placeholder (03)

Your omniscient author in absentia:
Placeholder for Soxaholix readers to have something good to yak about while I'm on vacation.*

 

*[I'll be taking a break from the daily strips to enjoy some vacation time until next Weds., July 1st or thereabouts - H.B] …

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Vacation Placeholder (02)

Your omniscient author in absentia:
Placeholder for Soxaholix readers to have something good to yak about while I'm on vacation.*

 

*[I'll be taking a break from the daily strips to enjoy some vacation time until next Weds., July 1st or thereabouts - H.B] …

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Vacation Placeholder (01)

Your omniscient author in absentia:
Placeholder for Soxaholix readers to have something good to yak about while I'm on vacation.*

 

*[I'll be taking a break from the daily strips to enjoy some vacation time until next Weds., July 1st or thereabouts - H.B] …

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Wonkin the wonks

Al:
Wow. Is Ellsbury on fiah lately or what?

 

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Doug:
Seriously. Washington hasn't taken such a beating by an Indian since the late 19th Century.

 

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Mike:
And what about Jason Bay?

 

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Doug:
Are you kidding me? Washington has been that beaten by a Bay since Cuba 1961.

 

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Mike:
What a way to staht summah vacation*.

 

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Doug:
Absolutely. The Red Sox are making fecund my summah!

 

*[I'll be taking a break from the daily strips to enjoy some vacation time until next Weds., July 1st or thereabouts - H.B] …

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Vacation (Have to get away)

Your omniscient author in absentia:
OK. I had every intention of creating a strip today, but, as it goes, I'm on vacation and I overslept.

Speaking of vacation, I plan to publish tomorrow but Thurs - Mon will be hit or miss (mostly miss) as I'll be nestled in a cottage at the beach.

However, I can provide simple placeholder spots each day I'm away for you Soxaholix to do your usual thing. Let me know if this is something you'd like.

And for those of you thoroughly disgusted by my being on vacation and the lack of publishing, please email me a refund will be issued ASAP (and by "refund" I mean, of course, a rented sunset, bitches).

Go Red Sox!

 

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Talkin' Nick Green

Bill:
You know as much as love the towering over the Monstah shot and the gargantuan straight away to centah shots, there is something so cool and uniquely Fenway about the Pesky Pole sneak arounds.

 

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Mike:
Especially when the Pesky's are walkoffs in the rain.

 

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Bill:
And especially when they are by a previously labeled ne'er-do-well utility man who was discahded by the Yankees, was languishing in Triple-A, and who when first slotted into short by the injured Sox proceeded to led the league in errors.

 

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Mike:
And especially, especially, when the walkoff is only the second of the guy's career and his first came when he was with Atlanta in a game against... wait for it... The Boston Red Sox.

 

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Bill:
Baseball — What a friggin game.

 

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Look out Nationals, the Red Sox are coming for you

Al:
I know the Sox can't win 'em all, but damned if I don't go into every game expecting a win and I'm irrationally disappointed when they don't.

 

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Doug:
Sounds like you have a case of Soxpectation. It's pandemic in these pahts since Octobah 2004.

 

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Al:
Seriously. And my Soxpectation is going to become even more acute as they go to DC for two.

 

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Mike:
Remembah early on back in April when the Sox were 2 and 6 and we compared them to the Nats?

 

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Al:
Ah, you know, nothing like a little panic to get the spring sap flowing.

 

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Mike:
In hindsight it feels pretty silly to evah doubt this team in the era of having a single, ovahahching philosophy and sticking to it like beach sand on a bathing suit.

 

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Al:
Absolutely, I mean take a look at the numbahs — Sox #1 in the AL in OPB and in pitched K's.

 

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Mike:
It's pretty simple — battahs get on base, pitchahs throw strikes.

 

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Doug:
So simple yet it took 80 plus years to figure it the frig out?

 

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Al:
Seriously. It took less time to decode the human genome fercrissakes.

 

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The Dandy 500

Bill:
I hate to break this to you, but it seems you *cannot* make money from blogging.

 

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Mike:
Oh, now they friggin tell me?

 

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Mike:
Jeez. So much for buying my dream house on Nantucket... Now I'll just rent a sunset and say 'fuck it.'

 

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Bill:
Cheer up, kid, there's always Twittah.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, and my ShamWow franchise at the Burlington Mall.

 

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Bill:
Alright, so hat tip to John Henry, the Boston Red Sox, and all of us fans for the 500 consecutive sold out games at the Lyric Little Bandbox.

 

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Mike:
Remahkable.

 

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Bill:
The best fans evah. Rooting for the greatests club evah. Playing in the greatest ballpahk evah.

 

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Mike:
Our resplendence has no bitch!

 

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The Daisuke Conundrum

Al:
Oh, Timmah, you've done it again.

 

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Mike:
If once again Wakes doesn't get selected to the All Stah game it'll be a travesty.

 

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Doug:
Abso-friggin-lutely. If Wakefield isn't on the All Stah rostah I'll boycott the game because it'll be a situation worse than Hitlah.

 

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Al:
So are you ready for the 6 man rotation?

 

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Doug:
Smooooooltz!

 

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Mike:
Interesting that Dice-K is getting bumped. Didn't see that one coming. Heh.

 

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Al:
If Smoltz has a good outing this could get intriguing.

 

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Doug:
Don't forget, too, the kid we know in Pawtucket, yelling promote me now or suck it.

 

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Mike:
The Daisuke Conundrum.

 

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Al:
Maybe he'll get disappeared to the DL?

 

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Doug:
Yeah, he goes away and we nevah hear from him again until years latah when he's found living in a cave on a Pacific atoll.

 

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Mike:
We kid we because we love.

 

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Doug:
Yin and Yang.

 

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Al:
Seriously. My love for Dice-K is the sound of paint drying on growing grass.

 

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Breathing it in

Steve:
I love how the off days give one time to reflect and enjoy the moment …

 

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Steve:
You know stop and smell the roses.

 

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Mike:
I prefer to think of it as stop and smell the sausage cahts.

 

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Steve:
Seriously. Here we are mid-June, the Sox in first place.

 

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Mike:
Sausage in the bun, guy, sausage in the bun.

 

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Steve:
First place while having serious defensive flaws, flaws that you know and I know Theo is going to address and make the club even stronger.

 

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Mike:
Sausage. Bun. Peppahs.

 

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Steve:
And that's first place while playing against the toughest schedule in MLB.

 

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Mike:
Sausage. Bun. Peppahs. Onions.

 

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Steve:
And, oh, right, there's this little pitching "abundance" we've got.

 

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Mike:
Sausage. Bun. Peppahs. Onions. Sriracha.

 

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Can't win 'em all

Susan/Circle:
I'm a little late in getting to this, but Tex-shady doth protests too much methinks.

 

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Mike:
Seriously, "It's just silly. It really is," yet he goes on and on about it.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Evah notice how it's just as easy to get undah the skin of "official" Yankeedom as it is to needle their mouth breathing trolls? Why is that?

 

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Mike:
I think it's what they like to call "Mistake and Sour."

 

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Susan/Circle:
So what happened yestahday?

 

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Mike:
Meh, just one of those games. Happens. You move on.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Yeah, outta 162 some are just going to get away from you.

 

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Mike:
Just like how every hittah goes through a slump. Nobody knows why, it just happens.

 

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Susan/Circle:
This WSJ piece on Big Papi nails it: "Whenever a beloved ball player goes into a slump, his fans feel funky themselves, question their own sanity, also their own mortality, then feel stupid for letting this happen, pretend to cheer up, and fool nobody."

 

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But life is just a party (and parties weren't meant 2 last)

Mike:
I know it's only June 12th and all and probably meaningless and most likely fleeting but, damn, I can't help but piss myself ovah it all.

 

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Mike:
3 consecutive sweeps of the Yankees!? 8 and oh on the season!? Beating the Yanks in every way imaginable!?

 

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Doug:
Absolutely. And who says you shouldn't drink heavily from the grail of meaningless and fleeting?

 

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Doug:
I mean it's like being a strangah at a pahty and having the hottest chick there hit on you out of the blue.

 

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Mike:
Seriously. This 8-0 run is like that but bettah — It's like getting hit on by the H-O-T-T chick and on the way back to her place she sheepishly confesses that she's a nympho.

 

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Doug:
Evan bettah, you get back to her place and your making out and then her roommate comes in and the roommate is not only equally hawt-a-licious but is wearing nothing but a t-shirt emblazoned with the logo of your fave Red Sox blog.

 

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Mike:
And then the two chicks ask if you get high and pass over a stash of B.C. skunk, all buds.

 

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Doug:
And while your blazing up a forest the two nymphs staht to engage is some heavy girl on girl action while you watch mouth agape.

 

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Mike:
And then there's a knock on the door and the roommate says, "Oh, can you get that? It' the pizza I ordered. Threesomes always make me wicked hungry," while giving you a salacious wink.

 

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Doug:
So you to the door and open it and...

 

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Mike:
It's not the pizza guy but Michael Felgah and he says, "Hey, Kid, what's going on out on the interwebs?"

 

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Doug:
And you close the door and think, "Damn, this is some mofo Bob Mahley shit," as you head back to the girls to show them the original red bull.

 

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Mike:
Exactly. Just. Like. That.

 

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Doug:
Gotta love beating the Yankees.

 

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Mike:
Go Red Sox!

 

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Rolling lucky 7's

Al:
I'm not sure I quite know what to say — 7-0 against the Bronx Daubahs pretty much says it all.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, all I know is if Timmah continues to get the wins, I'm going to continue pay homage by way of a daily wake and bake.

 

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Mike:
Well, I will say this — Papelbon continues to make me chew tinfoil.

 

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Doug:
Seriously. One of the big pharmaceuticals should feature him in ad spots for hypertension meds.

 

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Mike:
No kidding. I think I bust a blood vessel in each eye every 9th now.

 

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Al:
And, as we've learned from the ubiquitous Levitra ads "hypertension can lead to erectile dysfunction."

 

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Al:
I mean if Paps keeps this up next thing you know it's you and your sig othah sitting in separate tubs and staring like dumbfucks into the sunset.

 

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Doug:
Speaking of ineffective wangs, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, now pitching for the Yankees, Chien-Ming.

 

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Mike:
I liked the way George King put it — "Wang pitch with the command of a 4-year-old playing pin the tale on the donkey."

 

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Doug:
Remembah when Wang was anointed as the Yankees saviour? Bwahaha.

 

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Mike:
But before we go and get too carried away, let's take heed of what Bob Ryan writes this morning: " … the Red Sox only lead those guys by one game in the standings. And if they don't beat 'em tonight, the two will be tied."

 

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Doug:
Jeez, did Ryan take ovah for Shaughnessy as the Globe's official cockblockah?

 

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Al:
Meanwhile, if Penny can somehow summon his innah Quartah Poundah with Cheese, we'll be 2 up and the cockblocking can be postponed for anothah day.

 

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Perchance to dream...

Hart Brachen:
I overslept today and now I'm running wicked behind on all fronts, so ...

 

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h.b.:
I'm going to have to call you real-world Soxaholix to pick up for Bill, Mike, Doug, Circle (and the rest) in discussing this best start against the Yankees since 1912* and Papi's surprising power surge.

* [I'm astonished Shaughnessy doesn't mention that 1912 is the same year Titanic sank in his column since he's only made the 1912/Titanic
 reference a couple hundred times before. Hah.]

 

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The fur just doesn't fly like it used to.

Marty:
Hey, Callaghan, I just called to say congratulations on El Popup's eye exam …

 

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Bill:
Great, Mahty, but can we keep this short. I've got work to do.

 

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Marty:
Ah, that's right. Poor Billy Boy's part of the proletariat working for slave wages. You get that corner office yet, Bill, or are you still in a fabric covered box.

 

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Bill:
Hey, Mahts, isn't there like a live Furry alt-copulation chat you're missing right now?

 

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Marty:
Wow, Callaghan, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were afraid to face the music.

 

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Marty:
The Yankees are on the rise, Bill, and the "$200 million bust" you Sawx fans were crowing about earlier seems to have been a bit of wishful thinking on your part, eh?

 

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Bill:
Mahty, look, seriously. You guys hold only a one game lead and are 0 fer 5 against us in '09. Pahdon me if I'm not pissing my pants ovah this series.

 

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Bill:
But frankly Mahty, it's the Yankees that have to prove themselves and not the Red Sox.

 

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Marty:
You'll be facing a different Yankees club tonight. We're 21 for 29 since A-Rod's return.

 

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Bill:
Wow. Wee. You guys may as well staht sending in your ring sizes, because you've pretty much wrapped it up. Heh.

 

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Marty:
Keeping whacking at that straw man, Bill.

 

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Bill:
And you, Mahts, just keep whacking. Voop there it is.

 

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Crackin' claws

Mike:
So watching Matsuzaka went from "watching grass growing with paint drying on it" to veritable Shinkansen. But too bad the end results were the same.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, Dice-K says he needs more "merihari," the Japanese word for for contrast or variety.

 

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Al:
Ya think?

 

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Doug:
Seriously, instead of "Mothra" he was more like "JUGS" with the dial set to "batting practice."

 

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Mike:
Of course, even if Matsuzaka had bettah stuff, the offense othah than Kotsay wasn't going to be much help.

 

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Al:
Meanwhile bring on the Yankees.

 

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Mike:
You know the MFYs will be the 3rd straight series against a 1st place team.

 

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Mike:
And assuming the Phillies hold, they'll make it numbah 4.

 

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Al:
And yet these guys continue to hang right in there.

 

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Doug:
Bettah yet, facing all these 1st place teams means we've been spending time cracking claws while there is all that tail meat left on this lobstah of a season.

 

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And another sweep is in the books

Mike:
Once again, Timmah delivahs!

 

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Steve:
Do you realize that is win 171? He's just 21 shy of all-time team W list shared by Cy Young and Roger "Bitch Tits" Clemens.

 

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Mike:
Amazing. They oughta name a town in on the MBTA’s Haverill/Reading commuter line in Middlesex County after him.

 

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Steve:
And this '09 club just keeps grinding it out and finding ways to win.

 

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Mike:
I'm stahting to get a bit nervous about Paps, though.

 

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Steve:
Seriously. If he keeps leaving the lights on in the 9th like that, Al Gore is going to come down and open a can of green whoop ass on him.

 

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Mike:
The really inconvenient truth about Papelbon is the possibility that he's hurt.

 

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Mike:
I mean the tweaked mechanics, the lowering arm slot, the reduced command and control are all hahbingahs of injury.

 

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Steve:
And even if there is no injury, the increased pitch counts have to make you wonder what kind of wear and tear he's enduring and how will this effect things in the 2nd half?

 

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Mike:
Ah, well, I guess this just means I'll continue to need to get shit-faced before the 9th.

 

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Tied for First

Doug:
Was Beckett on fiah last night or what?

 

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Mike:
Simply brilliant. Amazing though that a 10-1 seemingly invicible lead when Beckett left the mound turned into a WTF shortly aftah.

 

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Doug:
Seriously. In the old days, we'd have lost that game 10-11.

 

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Mike:
So Sox win, Yankees lose and we are tied for first.

 

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Doug:
The trolls must be beside themselves this morning.

 

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Mike:
Do you ever wondah what it feels like to be a Yankee fan troll?

 

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Doug:
No, but I confess that I sometimes wondah what it feels like to be Kim Kardashian's glorious ass.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, and how is it?

 

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Doug:
Sublime, baby, sublime.

 

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Mike:
OK, so, Cage Match: Kim Kardashian's Ass vs. Gisele Bündchen Brady's Ass. Who wins?

 

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Doug:
Wait, are eithah of the asses secretly named "Ditka"?

 

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Mike:
No, Ditka is not involved whatsoevah. This is straight up beaucoup ass vs immaculate ass.

 

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Doug:
!

 

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Doug:
You've stumped me.

 

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Mike:
Seriously. It's the mothah of all stalemates.

 

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Doug:
Now I know how Sonia Sotomayor would feel trying to decide a case between a disabled Latina Muslim and a transgendered Native American atheist. My empathy is at cross-purposes!

 

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Heckuva job, Terry (for reals)

Bill:
OK, tell me which of our most esteemed Knights of of the Keyboard wrote this openah:

 

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Bill:
"Vacant streets, vacant buildings, and vacant looks in the eyes of hard-working people who have had their livelihoods erased or threatened …"

 

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Doug:
Ah, frig, that's too easy. Nobody lays on the unctuous quite like the CHB.

 

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Bill:
Seriously, aftah reading that I need to take showah to wash all the false sentiment off me.

 

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Doug:
Out out damned spot. Who would have thought the old hack to have had so much smug in him?

 

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Bill:
To be fair, though, this might be one of the few times when Shaughnessy is being sincere. I mean the Globe's pissing away of $85 million a year in losses and the decline of the newspaper business has a lot in common with the auto industry.

 

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Doug:
True, and Shaughnessy's columns are as much of a "must read" these days as the Pontiac Aztek is a "must drive."

 

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Bill:
Meanwhile, hats off to Terry Francona for win numbah 500 with the Red Sox.

 

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Doug:
Absolutely. I'll be the first to confess I was "Meh" with a capital M when he was first named managah, but boy was I wrong.

 

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Bill:
500 wins, 2 World Series? Terry's da Man.

 

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Doug:
Seriously, they should name a notch in New Hampshire aftah him.

 

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She blinded him with nuance

Mike:
So how about that. As and added bonus Obama says that Supreme Court Nominee Sotomajor "Saved Baseball." What's not to luck about this Nominee?

 

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Al:
Well, that's great and but on the downside she did grow up in the shadow of The Toilet and is an "avid" Yankees fan.

 

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Doug:
I hate to interrupt your liberal Sotomayormania spoogefest, but it's clear you both continue to believe whatevah fairy tale The Anointed One is dishing to the Propaganda Corps.

 

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Doug:
Because the truth is a March 28, 1995, story in USA Today, titled "U.S. District judge not a baseball fan," states that Sotomayor "grew up a few miles from Yankee Stadium but says she knows little about the sport."

 

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Mike:
C'mon now, Doug, don't let your anti-Obamaism blind you to the nuance that being a fan of the Yankees and knowing nothing about baseball are not mutually exclusive conditions.

 

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Doug:
Well, speaking of know-nothings, I expect the trolls will be out on the Red Sox blogs today with the Yankees a game up in first place and breaking the Red Sox record for consecutive error free games.

 

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Doug:
I mean if they're not to busy waxing their back hair and all.

 

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Al:
Anyone else hoping Theo's pretty busy these days too?

 

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Mike:
Seriously, the dealin' needs to staht wheelin'.

 

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Which Way to Millinocket?

Your omniscient author in absentia:
Sorry, having one of those mornings that is the embodiment of the old Bert and I phrase — "You cahn't get theyah from heeah"

 

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