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Al:
Especially when the win puts the Sox back in first.
Mike:
BTW can someone get me a reverse gooch stat to countah this?
"Shaughnessy thinks the Red Sox are in great shape moving forward, considering the team is stocked with good young pitching and a veteran (John Smoltz) on track to join the club next month as well."
Al:
What is that the new "Curly but Lovable" CHB or something?
Doug:
Somebody bookmahk that for the inevitable CHB shift latah in the season when the CHB will claim he knew all along the team sucked and only Pollyanna homah fans were too stupid to see it.
Mike:
So although we are first you've gotta figure the lead is going to change hands about 50 more times before this is ovah.
Al:
Oh, yeah, the Yankees are going to be right there the whole time.
Doug:
And Tampa Bay is only a few bikini waxes short of getting back into it.
Mike:
Time to kick back and enjoy the grand story arc of a full season.
Doug:
Ok, so I think the expression "And the crowd goes wild!" was somehow
lost in translation
for Dice-K.
Bill:
So much for the friggin "gyroball".
Doug:
Remembah when we were all giddy with our
pennyanny dreams of the gyro
and were envisioning Matsuzaka as Mothra and how the naysayahs were all "He's at best a 3 or 4 guy and not an ace"?
Doug:
Well, say hey to nay.
Doug:
Ah, dude-san's got 8.82 ERA in 16.1 innings. That doesn't buy a whole lotta benefit of the doubt from where I'm standing.
Bill:
But Matsuzaka sure was lights out in the WBC. Woot!
Doug:
Exhibition ace / harvests so many bushels / how unripe the fruit.
Doug:
Seriously, they may as well form their own
K of C
council.
Mike:
Toss in an open bah and free flowing Jamesons and it could get as crazy as my sistah Linder's wedding.
Mike:
Well, minus the blitzed and shirtless Fathah Seamus jumping on the head table and doing a "Somebody to Love" karaoke, of course.
Doug:
Jesus wept but Fr. Seamus did the best Freddy Mercury impersonation evah.
Al:
Absolutely. I mean not only could he hit the high notes, but he had the ovahbite too.
Doug:
Whatevah happened to him anyway aftah he was "disappeared"?
Al:
Taking a 6 ERA into June, Lestah could use some divine intervention that's for sure.
Bill:
Ah, yes, waking up the Tuesday aftah Memorial Day weekend in first place in the AL East.
Bill:
This is surely what Robert Browning had in mind when he wrote, "God's in His Heaven; All's right with the world."
Mike:
Yep, it's a literal heaven on earth …
Mike:
Er, provided of course that you're willing to overlook the 4 Horsemen of Pestilence, Famine, Julio Lugo and the .195 BA Ortiz.
Bill:
Ah, you know, the omnipotent work in mysterious ways.
Mike:
There's no mystery to Lugo. In terms of leaving you barren, little dude makes a swarm of locusts seem trivial.
Mike:
Yeah, well, I'm going agnostic on this one — I'll believe it when I see it. It's just rumor for now.
Doug:
Well, so much for Toronto's stranglehold on the AL East.
Bill:
Then again, we haven't officially moved in first yet. Let's not count the clams 'til they're in the pail.
Doug:
Nevertheless,
a sweep is a sweep
and it's always uplifting to witness how a successful homestand can make coming off a dismal road trip seem amusingly passe.
Bill:
Must be something in the chowdah.
Doug:
Or in the 90+ degree spawned sundresses and pasty legs with fresh razor nicks as some guy put it yestahday.
Doug:
Speaking of New York, I wondah how soon it'll be before we see Adam Lambert sing the National Anthem in the new toilet.
Doug:
Dude had the win in his back pocket but somehow couldn't close the deal, just like the Chokees.
Bill:
Yeah, and the comparison doesn't end there. I mean Lambert was a little too old, a little too soft, and a little to sure of himself — Hell, they should make him an honorary Yankee.
Doug:
Absolutely, and their 7 inning stretch sing along song should be
Mad World
"All around me are familiar faces ... Going nowhere, going nowhere."
Al:
Could somebody hand me a half-full glass of water?
All
this
celebrating
has made me thirsty.
Mike:
Has a lone, regulah season home run evah felt so good?
Doug:
I'd compare Papi's dingah to a summah's day, but the friggin' dingah is lovliah.
Mike:
I don't know what made me happiah — the homah itself or the reaction from the rest of the club.
Doug:
Seriously, it was clear last night that this is a *team* team, if you know what I mean.
Al:
Absolutely. I've drunk so much of the Mango-Salsa Kool-Aid that I believe the consequent homah happy 5th wasn't a result of Cecil throwing beer league junk, but rathah a result of the entiah team getting juiced off of Ortiz.
Doug:
All I know is that today the sky is bit bluah, the Boston girls are even prettiah, and the phallic Pru is evah longah.
Al:
I want to give praise to Timmah but what can I say that hasn't already been said about the guy over the 100 years he's been with the team?
Mike:
I think his line can do the talking: 8.0 5 1 1 2 3 1.
Doug:
Can you believe his Fenway ERA his now 1.71?
Al:
Wakes loves him some home cooking.
Mike:
Damn, I know, it's getting worse not bettah.
Doug:
I think we are rapidly approaching that time when all good things must come to an end.
Mike:
Down dropt the breeze, the sails dropt down, 'Twas sad as sad could be …*
Doug:
And let's say Theo goes out and gets a replacah. Then what?
Doug:
Hahtlessly release him? Make him a phantom DL? Take a rostah hit as he sits on the bench the rest of the season?
Mike:
Ovahhead the albatross hangs motionless upon the air …*
Marty:
Feel something, a leviathan perhaps, closing in behind you, Bill?
Bill:
Well, I did catch the aroma of hair grease and heard the jingle of imitation gold jewelry, but 'leviathan'? Not so much.
Marty:
Try a little harder, Bill, as what you smelled was butter because the Yankees are on roll.
Bill:
That's funny, Mahts, because when I hear the words "Yankees" and "buttah" I don't think of roll... but it rhymes with roll, though.
Marty:
Joke while you can, Callaghan, but here's the deal …
Marty:
And, oh yeah, icing on the cake, even off the field this year's sure to be christened MVP
has found his old mojo.
Bill:
Wow, settle down, Mahty.
Bill:
I haven't seen anyone this excited since the time your 2nd wife discovered the solo joys of a
Sybian machine.
Marty:
That's right, stay classy, Boston fans.
Marty:
Meanwhile, prepare yourself to spend the rest of the season counting up your games behind in arrears status.
Bill:
Oh, fuck, that's scary, Mahty, because we all know that once the Yankees get a lead in games up, they *nevah* surrendah it... Oh, Mahty, could you hold, please, I've got a Mr. Roberts on the othah line.
Mike:
Celtics lose,
Sox lose, and I'm still not entiahly ovah the Bruins.
Doug:
Christ, the Sox look terrible a lot of the time lately — lousy defense, absent offense.
Mike:
Well, at least that was the last trip to the West Coast for the regular season.
Doug:
You know, for the sake of cahbon footprints and all, maybe next year the Sox should just outright forfeit the LAA/SEA swing and stay in Boston?
Doug:
Seriously, beat up on the Jays and move into first.
Doug:
Yeah, I love Drew's "no music by choice."
Mike:
Totally badass. That just jumped him up several notches in by appreciation index.
Doug:
Do you think he doesn't like music at all or just not when he's getting ready to bat?
Mike:
Who knows? Dude is an enigma.
Bill:
Now I feel like uttah crap.
Doug:
Are you kidding me? I feel like Khalid Sheikh Mohammed aftah a night at the Hotel CIA.
Doug:
I mean Jesus Hussein Christ where do we even begin to sort this shit out?
Bill:
I don't know where to begin but this is where it has to end: Biggie gone Smalls Papi
goes 0-7 with 12 LOB, and a 3-1 based loaded ground out to the catcher in the 12th.
Doug:
Seriously. That giant sucking sound you hear is even the most ahdent Ortiz loyalists gasping for air.
Doug:
But, hey, least it's Friday. And I'm in love.
Doug:
Oh, c'mon, guy, like all the vices our stodgy moralists try to eradicate, the erotic services aren't going away, they are just going undahground.
Bill:
Speaking of say hi to Mary Jane for me.
Doug:
Hey, you know what they say, "Don't ask, don't ravel, all will be swell."
Bill:
Who the fuck says that?
Doug:
Well, nobody … but it's early yet.
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