One slap at a time

Doug:
OK, so here's my sports page headline — "Van Every Stirs Fan Reverie!"

 

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Bill:
Ah, don't quit your day job kid.

 

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Doug:
Damn, and I heard that there is such a bright future in the newspaper biz.

 

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Bill:
OK, so where and the frig to the Red Sox find guys like Jonathan Van Every.

 

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Doug:
Seriously, hats off to Theo and Jed Hoyer and the entiah Red Sox scouting organization for creating such a deep bench of talent.

 

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Bill:
I didn't even know Van Every was on the rostah.

 

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Doug:
This Red Sox lineup is like the Slap Chop Remix.

 

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Doug:
"A little like this ... put the Van Every in, add some Nick Green right there, you hit it like this ...."

 

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Bill:
Hey, AL East, you're gonna love our nuts.

 

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Goat Stew

Al:
I know all streaks must one day come to an end, but did it have to end like that?

 

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Doug:
Question: What in the name of your favorite bearded God version was Javier Lopez even doing out there?

 

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Al:
Seriously, was Francona getting bored with the win streak so he just decided to get it ovah with?

 

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Mike:
To be fair, Tito has been avoiding Lopez like he's a Mexican with flu-like symptoms, but he can't run MDC out there every night.

 

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Mike:
And Lopez actually had an OK outing as fah as pitching.

 

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Mike:
And if Penny has an OK outing, Lopez doesn't even come into play.

 

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Al:
OK. Be that as it may, but let me add this …

 

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Al:
I'm willing to cut Brad Penny some slack. Yes, he put 11 baserunnahs on in just ovah 2 innings, he can't find the strike zone, his fastball isn't, and he has can't throw his secondary pitches for strikes —

 

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Al:
But I'll give him a reprieve for last night because there is still a glimmah of potential with Penny.

 

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Al:
For Julio Lugo, on the othah hand, I confess I have no such hope.

 

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Doug:
Me neithah. I mean I've read the countah apologetics on Lugo, but I'm not having it. Like othahs, I'll say he is now my least favorite Red Sox playah of all time.

 

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Mike:
Worse than Jurassic Carl Everett?

 

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Doug:
Hell, yeah, Lugo is like the spawn of Carl Everrett crossed with Rick Cerone.

 

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Mike:
Wow, that's seriously harsh.

 

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Al:
Yeah, and instead of "Ditka" the spawn's middle name is "Blagojevich."

 

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Need another day on the DL

Your omniscient author in absentia:
Bad timing — A streak of 11 and I'm too out of it to give voice to the Soxaholix to discuss it.

But I'm on some heavy duty meds, including that sweetest of elixirs known as codeine cough syrup, which are putting me in la-la land (Oh, hi, Manny!) and allowing me to sleep, sleep, and sleep.

So I hope to be back soon.

 

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Sweepy weepy

Bill:
Oh, Mahty, you're home?!

 

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Marty:
Of course, Callaghan, unlike those of you in the proletariat class, I don't punch a time clock.

 

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Bill:
Well, Mahts, it's just that I thought maybe your home was, you know, *stolen* … Bwahahaha.

 

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Marty:
That might hurt a bit more, Bill, if your guy Ellsbury didn't look so bad swinging at the ball.

 

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Bill:
Oh, c'mon, Mahty, you really want to talk about looking bad? I tell you what looked bad — 9 Yankees on the field and not one of them was on guard for a potential straight steal of home?

 

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Bill:
Wow, you guys sure get a lot of value for dollahs, don't you. Heh.

 

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Bill:
Oh, and how'd you like are two rooks last night, Masterson followed by Jones and Bowden? Pretty impressive, eh?

 

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Bill:
Hey, you got a pen handy, Mahty, because I've got something important for you to write down — "minah league system."

 

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Bill:
Did you get that? Mahty? Hello?

 

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Marty: :
Grrr&X**$%#%...

 

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Sick, Day 2

Your omniscient author in absentia:
I can't stop coughing long enough to even consider writing a strip. Bleh.

 

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Sick Day

Your omniscient author in absentia:
Woke up with a throat like sandpaper, a hacking cough, and low energy. Taking a sick day all around.

With the Sox on a 7-straight roll, I figure you can find something to yak about without a strip.

 

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Greenwashing

Bill:
Well rain delays suck, but day-night double-headahs more than make up for it.

 

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Mike:
Meanwhile, Lowrie is out, Green is in at short.

 

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Bill:
How appropriate, you know with it being Earth Day and all.

 

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Mike:
Oh is it? Hmmm you'd think there would be more PR hype and misleading mahketing campaigns to accompany it. Heh.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, so today, but just today, I made it a point to turn off the watah when brushing my teeth.

 

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Mike:
I'm sure Gaia is very proud of you.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, it's the little things that count, and by count I mean aren't worth a rat's ass in the big scheme of things.

 

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Gree

Qu'est-ce que c'est?

Bill:
So Ortiz breaks out of his slump, the Red Sox win big to sweep the Orioles …

 

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Bill:
And the Bruins win to go up 3 nil ovah Montreal …

 

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Bill:
And the Celtics win

 

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Bill:
And the cops catch the Craigslist Killah.

 

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Bill:
All in all I'd say that's a pretty fine Patriots day for the City of Boston.

 

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Doug:
Abso-fucking-lutely.

 

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Bill:
So this is my favorite line in the stories on Markoff …

 

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Doug:
Wait, wait, don't tell me I think I already know what it is …

 

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Doug:
"I kind of had him pegged as a surgeon because he was good at anatomy."

 

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Bill:
Bingo.

 

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Doug:
Ah, sweet irony, forevah I am your bitch.

 

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Through every Middlesex village and farm

Mike:
Has .500 evah felt so good?

 

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Doug:
Seriously. Bragging about being 6-6 is like bragging about getting a dutch ruddah from a fat girl, yet here I am.

 

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Mike:
The best paht is Lestah getting back on track — 7 shutout innings and holding the Orioles to 4 singles. Hell, yeah.

 

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Doug:
No the best paht is ol' man Scrivener shutting this place down midday so we can partake in the Patriot's Day fete.

 

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Al:
Listen my children and you shall hear, / The sound of Al chugging an 11am beer.

 

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Picking a vintage

Marty:
Hello?

 

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Bill:
Hey, Mahts, how the frig are ya?

 

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Bill:
I just wanted to be the first to call and say, wow, you guys sure do know how to open up a new ballpahk. Yowzah.

 

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Marty:
You know, Callaghan, I've got to hand it to you …

 

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Marty:
For a guy who could land a starring role in the fesish porn biz at smalldick.com, you sure do have a lotta balls making this call when the Red Sux are in the cellar.

 

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Bill:
Oh, c'mon, Mahty, I was referring to the spectecle of it all — You know Guiliani, Selig, Yogi, Bernie Williams on the guitah …

 

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Marty:
Well, it is quite spectacular, Bill.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, it's a real Taj Mah-George that's for sure. Enjoy it while you can.

 

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Marty:
What do you mean?

 

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Bill:
Well, it won't take long for the gold chain satin jacket crowd to, you know, "dirty the place up".

 

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Bill:
Meet the new Toilet, same as the old Toilet. Heh.

 

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Marty:
Go cream your chow-duh, Callaghan.

 

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Marty:
And watch out for spiders down in the cellar.

 

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Bill:
Oh, don't worry, Mahts, we're just down in the cellar temporarily to pick out our Octobah champagne.

 

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