Suleman to Shakespeare in nothing flat

Doug:
OK, so I'll confess that evah since I heard about Vivid offering the Octo-Mom a porn contract, I've been obsessed with the various plot possibilities …

 

---

Mike:
The OctoBitch in a porn? Jeez, guy, that is whacked thinking even for you.

 

---

Doug:
I mean think about it — doorbell rings and it's … The artificial insemination doc.

 

---

Doug:
Or there's a knock on the door and it's the dude from the diapah service. No, wait, 8 kids, let's make that 3 strapping dudes from the diaphah service.

 

---

Doug:
Or how 'bout this — Sound of door chime. Cut to an Australian on the doorstep with a goat … and a bottle of Sriracha.

 

---

Al:
Dude! I like it.

 

---

Doug:
It's like this — An artist has to aim higher than morality, exist beyond parochial conventions of right and wrong, sacred and profane.

 

---

Doug:
You know aht for aht's sake and all that.

 

---

Mike:
Speaking of aht, there *was* a grapefruit game last night.

 

---

Mike:
And the Bard, well, he "was as constant as the norther star."

 

---

Al:
Ah, but remembah, "All that glisters is not gold."

 

---

Al:
That is, was Bard's success with no passed balls only because Timmah didn't have his funky knuckle stuff, you know, "Such stuff as dreams are made of"?

 

---

Mike:
Screw your courage to the sticking place. It's only Game One of GFL.

 

---

Doug:
Seriously, to over think spring training, well, "That way madness lies."

 

---

Grapefruit Time

Tara:
The surest harbinger of Spring is Tim Wakefield taking the mound in the Grapefruit League.

 

---

Tara:
I mean how cool is it that Wakes has been with the team since forever?

 

---

Susan/Circle:
Seriously, Tim Wakefield is our constant as we traverse time and space.

 

---

Tara:
So are you ready for Josh Bard Human Seive The Sequel?

 

---

Susan/Circle:
Yeah, they think they've figured out Bard's issue with catching the knucklah — turns out dude's got some long ahms.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
So they needed to reframe his stance.

 

---

Tara:
Ah, yes, the age old axiom is proven again — size matters.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
And as I always say, if you don't like it, you should put a ring on it *. Wha-oh-oh-oh.

*[NSFW!]

 

---

And I live by the river

Your omniscient author in absentia:
As I mentioned in the comments a couple weeks back, my day job underwent a reorg and now the London office runs the whole operation.

Consequently, my new Master and Commander will be here in the U.S. most of the week for an inspection. This means I need to come in extra early to get the H.M.S. Bounty swabbed and rigged for sailing into uncharted waters and that will cut into my normal strip writing time.

 

---

Your omniscient author in absentia:
So I'll see you back here on Friday, perhaps sooner.

And, oh right,

God Save the Queen
(She ain't a human being).

 

---

If there’s leakage, you’re not sealing it against you.

Mike:
Well, at long last the lack of female restroom facilities at Fenway has been solved.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
A girl need not even leave her seat.

 

---

Mike:
Pink hat? Check. Pink FUD? Check.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
Of course, the way things are going with the economy, the problem of crowded Fenway facilities may be moot.

 

---

Mike:
We survived the recent round of layoffs, yet it still feels like Sword of Damoclese is hanging ovah our heads.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
Seriously. Are you as scared as I am about the future?

 

---

Mike:
Scared? Let's put it this way — I feel like Chris Brown at a Take Back the Night rally.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
It's really stahting to effect my social life.

 

---

Mike:
Absolutely. Now instead of simply considering the "Hot enough?" factah, I need to also compute the work vs energy equation.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
I know. I'm considering hooking up with survivalists just for their access to canned goods and weapons.

 

---

Lancelot (hyper) link

Bill:
So John Henry wants an "enlightened salary cap" … Huh, wondah how he feels about a cap on ticket prices?

 

---

Doug:
Whoa, wait a second. I thought you libs were all in favah of "spreading the wealth around"? Don't you have any compassion for the poor, downtrodden, victims of the small mahket?

 

---

Bill:
Settle down Joe the Plumbah. Artificially supressing playah salaries so the ownahs can realize more profits is hahdly a Robin Hood redistribution scheme.

 

---

Doug:
It all sounds like socialism to me.

 

---

Bill:
Don't make me come ovah there and go all Travis the Chimp on your ass, mmm-kay?

 

---

Doug:
Hey, I heard Travis was a perfectly respectable chimp until his cousin the baboon stahted shooting him up with 'roids.

 

---

Bill:
You know where that lady went wrong though?

 

---

Doug:
You means besides friggin' living with a 200lb chimpanzee, feeding him steak and lobstah, letting him drive a cah and giving him Xanax? No, tell me …

 

---

Bill:
It's like this — When you have a 200lb chimp with a history of violence, then only invite a friend ovah to visit if the friend's name is Ditka.

 

---

Doug:
But seriously. Who the frig lives with a chimp anyway?

 

---

Bill:
Oh, I dunno, I don't think it's that ridiculous. I mean Michelle Damon seems to manage it just fine.

 

---

Body enhanced, brain not so much

Al:
Wow, was that A-Roid pressah a disastah or what?

 

---

Mike:
Seriously, just when I was stahting to feel a smidge of sympathy for the guy, he reverts to his true, totally dipshit self.

 

---

Doug:
In the depahtment of "it takes one to know one," the CHB nails it — "People can't stand him because he's a phony."

 

---

Mike:
You've gotta love the throwing of the unnamed cousin undah the bus.

 

---

Al:
"It wasn't us. It was The Warriors!"* Heh.

*[quote from the '79 cult classic]

 

---

Mike:
But, hey, now, let's not forget Johnny Damon's sage remonstration: "Murder is worse than steroids".

 

---

Doug:
Yeah, well, when A-Rod takes Vadge from the Crypt down to Poundtown, it's not as bad as necrophilia, but that doesn't make it right.

 

---

33 years young

Mike:
Ortiz says the wrist his fine and he's ready to knock the covah off the ball.

 

---

Doug:
Yeah, and the government "stimulus" is going to create 4 million new jobs.

 

---

Mike:
Dude, I can understand you dissing the gov, but bashing El Papi? Have you no shame?

 

---

Doug:
Since when is a healthy skepticism a bad thing?

 

---

Doug:
I mean I loves me some Papi as much as the next guy, but the reality is dude's 33 years old with a Cecil Fieldah body.

 

---

Doug:
Oh, and by the way, he's not back-to-back with Manny in lineup anymore in case you didn't notice.

 

---

Mike:
Yeah, well, this is 2009 where 40 is the new 20. I mean have you seen Marisa Tomei lately?

 

---

Doug:
OK, I like where this is going …

 

---

Jukebox hero

Mike:
You guys remembah Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd?

 

---

Doug:
Hell, yeah. Who can evah forget him saying "I am The Can, and I am going to come right at you with my best shit, and if you can hit it, I want to see how far Bo Jackson can hit The Oil Can."

 

---

Doug:
And then Bo Jackson taking Can's first pitch 515 feet ovah straight away centah.

 

---

Mike:
Well, The Can's still at it. He's making anothah comeback try.

 

---

Al:
Isn't this like hearing how some 80s band is now playing at the county fair in front of 50 fahmahs in overalls?

 

---

Mike:
Hey now, guy, you've gotta respect the aging rockahs *and* the aging ball playahs like Can who are willing to risk embarrassment and will play for nothing simply for the the chance to play.

 

---

Mike:
It's just in their blood.

 

---

Doug:
And Boyd did say he hopes to be playing when he's 50.

 

---

Al:
Yeah, when you put it that way. I wish I was that passionate about something that I'd be willing to do it forevah and for nothing.

 

---

Doug:
But you are.

 

---

Al:
I appreciate your new found élan here, Doug, but I confess I don't have much love for being a mid-level marketing managah.

 

---

Doug:
No, dude, not your job — I'm talking about being a Red Sox fan.

 

---

Doug:
Think about it. You'll be a Sox fan whethah you're rich or poor, healthy or dying, happy or sad.

 

---

Mike:
Absolutely. I mean speaking for myself, while the nuances have changed slightly, my rooting for the Red Sox today is intrinsincly no different than when I rooted for the Red Sox when I was 6 years old.

 

---

Doug:
And it'll be the same when you're 96.

 

---

Al:
OK. You're right. Being a fan of the Red Sox is the constant.

 

---

Al:
And while I'd be willing to go watch the 49 year old Oil Can to see if he has indeed been égiven back the fastball,é you won't catch me watching Foreignah play at the Hopkinton Fair, OK?

 

---

Throwing out your frown

Mike:
Pitchers and catchers have reported …

 

---

Doug:
Heidi Watney is trolling the sidelines again …

 

---

Al:
Theo says Masty will staht …

 

---

Mike:
Reports say Papi looks "tremendous" …

 

---

Doug:
Timmah is rested and eagah …

 

---

Mike:
Buchholz is working with Tewksbury turned shrink to find the kid's missing marbles …

 

---

Al:
All and all I don't think you could ask for a bettah Friday the 13th in February.

 

---

Doug:
Are you kidding me? I'm happiah than the Octo-Mama getting multi-insems while watching an Angelina Jolie retrospective.

 

---

Putting the pee in PECOTA

Bill:
Ah, Christ, now Congress is getting involved in the A-Roid thing.

 

---

Doug:
So let me get this straight. The Secretary of Treasury and consequent head of the IRS cheats on his taxes, of all things, for several years and Congress is like "WHatev. Yawn."

 

---

Doug:
But, you know, a ballball playah gets caught using steroids and Congress leaps into action! Jeez.

 

---

Bill:
Yeah, you know, national priorities and all.

 

---

Doug:
We are ruled by people who have achieved the remarkable distinction of being both dull and frivolous.

 

---

Bill:
Well, this'll cheer you up. The PECOTA rankings are out and look who is at the top of the AL East with 98 wins.

 

---

Doug:
Yeah, well, that's all hugs and kisses until you balance it with Will Carroll's Team Health Report.

 

---

Doug:
And that's not the kind of "red" we want with our Sox.

 

---

Bill:
Ah, c'mon, you saying you have a problem with J.D. "Judged Disabled" Drew being backed up by Rocco "My Muscles Stopped Working" Baldelli who is backed up by Mark "Bad Back" Kotsay?

 

---

Doug:
Looks like the Front Office is going to roll the dice in 2009 the way they did in '06.

 

---

Bill:
Yeah, and that worked out well. Heh.

 

---