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Bill:
"One-Adam-Dunn, One-Adam-Dunn, see the man about an exorbitant contract."
Mike:
Seriously, I don't see the fit for Dunn on this club.
Mike:
Maybe if we hadn't signed Rocco, maybe …
Doug:
So the normally tight-lipped Megan the Vegan from HR let it slip that there might be some riffs coming?
Bill:
I can neithah confirm nor deny …
Doug:
Oh, c'mon, guy, don't go all Steinbrennah on my ass.
Bill:
Look, Doug, you know about as much as I do. All I've heard is there's going to be some, er, cutbacks because of the economy.
Doug:
But we're safe, right?
Bill:
You know, despite two recent World Series victories, I still have a lot of Game 6 86 in my DNA, so I figure it's always best to plan for the worst.
Doug:
Frig. When I prayed to the bearded prophet to "make me more like Manny," being unemployed going into Spring wasn't really what I had in mind.
Doug:
Heh, yeah, you stay classy Joe.
Mike:
You know for all the shit we've given A-Rod ovah the years, I nevah actually thought the man-crush on Jetah stuff was real.
Doug:
How does Torre put it — "A Single White Female obsession with Jetes"?
Doug:
Well, except for that paht about it being absolutely, totally, friggin' believable.
Mike:
You know is scares the crap out of me to realize this guy was so close to being with the Red Sox.
Doug:
If that had happened, though, who do you think A-Fraud would have gone all SWF ovah on the Sox rostah?
Al:
"Hey, Jason, I'm having a sleep ovah tonight … I like it when you wear your mask."
Al:
I guess Theo figures it's the only option othah than getting soaked in a trade for a Saltalamacchia or a Montero.
Doug:
Besides that
G.I.D.P.
record is just there for the taking.
Doug:
Christ, I don't know what's wrong with me …
Bill:
Getting that burning and itching sensation when you urinate again, Doug?
Doug:
I've nevah felt this little enthusiasm for a new Red Sox season in my life.
Bill:
Look, it's OK to feel this way.
Bill:
We no longah have to metastasize every single hope and dream and fear of failure into the coming season.
Bill:
We've been to the friggin' mountaintop, guy.
Bill:
So we no longah need to wait until next. Every year is this year and next year simultaneously.
Doug:
Yeah, you're probably right.
Bill:
And besides we're firmly in the clutches of a cold wintah … you'll come 'round once spring comes
Bill:
Right now we are like snow-whipped sugah maples, dormant, looking dead …
Bill:
But noons when the sun prevails, ovah late March's gales, will come the multiple dull drum of sap in empty pails.
Doug:
I like that. But if we Red Sox fans are sugah maples, what are Yankees' fans?
Lisa the Temp:
Today is the day of National Healing …
Lisa the Temp:
Today is the day the oceans stop rising …
Your omniscient author in absentia:
Oops. Totally forgot until I got my robocall reminder last night that I have my annual mortal coil memorandum and vices vs virtues remonstration otherwise known as an appointment with the doctor.
"Doc, you seem curiously unaware of the curative properties of Sriracha and sausage …"
Mike:
Holy Bearded Prophet it's still cold out there.
Susan/Circle:
Coldah than a warlock's nut.
Susan/Circle:
But I find it helps me to stay warm if I intermittently vocalize
"Yoooooooouuuuukks."
Mike:
What a fantastic deal for the Sox.
Susan/Circle:
It's looking more and more like not getting Teixeira combined with a crappy economy is working to our advantage.
Mike:
Seriously. Youks is only 13 months older than Teixeira and they both put up nearly identical numbahs last year, yet we get Youks for 4/40 while the Yankees went 8/180 for Teixeira. A-Ma-Zing.
Susan/Circle:
The 2008 MVP and the 2008 MVP runnah-up both locked up and wearing red stockings for the next 4 years.
Mike:
That "we'll nevah outspend the Yankees so we'll have to outsmaht them" thing continues to work out pretty well for us.
Susan/Circle:
Bob Ryan nails it. "Memo to Yankee fans:If your team wins it all, people on the outside will shrug and say, "So what?" And if they don't win, people everywhere in the baseball universe will laugh their you-know-whats off. But do enjoy your season."
Mike:
I hope Hanky Stein is planning a "ShamWow Fan Giveaway Night" at the new Yankee Stadium because they're going to need something that absorbs 20 times its own weight to wipe up all those Yankees fan tears come Octobah.
Doug:
Coldah than a witch's tit.
Al:
You know, I've nevah really understood that expression. Why would a witch's tit be especially cold?
Doug:
It's not meant in the physical sense but the emotional. The idea being that a witch is a cold hearted bitch who, presumably,
has no maternal feelings.
Mike:
Actually,
there's even more to it than that. It was believed that witches had a third tit from which an imp or devil, known as a "familiar," sucked the witch's blood as a form of nourishment.
Mike:
And this third tit or protuberance, if pricked with a pin, would not cause pain or bleed, as is the case with many moles, skin tags, or even a supernumerary nipple.
Doug:
So that means Hervé Villechaize as Nick Nack, Scaramanga's little henchman, was the suckling imp?
Mike:
One would presume so, yes.
Al:
When I first saw that movie as a kid and saw
Britt Ekland in a bikini
forced into the trunk of that flying car, it made me feel all funny inside. In a special way.
Mike:
Now to loop this back, this is where a feminist might scold us for using the phrase "cold as a witch's tit" as being hostile toward the female breast when it is not a source of pleasure or nurturance, as in the case of the of Al's prepubescent arousal at the sight of the bikini-clad Miss Mary Goodnight.
Doug:
Hey, I'll be the first to admit to anyone that I'm hostile to witches. They are all haggy and ugly and shit.
Doug:
I mean, c'mon, nobody fucks with The Bard.
Doug:
Yeah, the dude is ringing up triples on the gun.
Mike:
Can you friggin' imagine?
Doug:
Something wicked this way comes.
Mike:
Hell, yeah, he does.
Doug:
And Smoltzy feels being with the Sox
is a perfect fit
because the Red Sox in developing young talent and being competitive year in and out have replaced the Braves as the premier organization in baseball.
Mike:
Premiere is so right.
Mike:
It's like this. While the other clubs are papah towels, the Red Sox are friggin' ShamWows.
Doug:
Absolutely. I mean if the Red Sox ran the mortgage industry there nevah would have been a bubble to collapse.
Mike:
Seriously. If the Red Sox ran the automobile industry, we'd all by driving flying cars by now.
Doug:
Flying cars powered by batteries.
Mike:
Batteries so green and sustainable they'd convert one's own urine to raw energy.
Doug:
Are you kidding me, if the Red Sox ran the world there would be freely available porn on every computer and mobile device …
Doug:
Oh, right — Thanks, Theo!
Mike:
Long time coming. Richly deserved.
Al:
Williams to Yastrzemski to Rice … What a legacy.
Al:
And that reminds me, I'm so, so glad I will nevah evah have to read or hear anothah stats-blinded noob who nevah had the priviledge to watch Jimbo play go on and on about how "undeserving" Rice is for the Hall.
Mike:
"His career OBP was only .352 whaa-whaa-whaa."
Doug:
Yeah, let me Shamwow that smug off your face, bitches. Jim Rice is the mofo Hall of Fame man.
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