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You better sit down, this is a long ass strip

Al:
Man, did the Timmah look good last night or what?

 

Mike:
You know, as much as we want to collectively tear our hair out when his knuckleball is "off" and he starts serving up 70 mph tatahs, truth is among 4th stahtahs in the league he is simple the best of the best.

 

Al:
So you think Ellsbury's homah last night is a sign he's breaking out of his shit slump?

 

Doug:
Not a chance in hell. There's more holes in that kid's swing than a German gangbang porn clip.

 

Al:
Whoa, wait a second heah. I thought you were walking away from the Sox for a while?

 

Doug:
Well, it's like this — I can only boycott one thing at a time and now it the time for me to man up declare that I will not watch one friggin minute of the Beijing Olympics.

 

Mike:
What are you back trying to impress Megan the Vegan by taking a stand against Chinese human rights violations and the treatment of Tibet.

 

Doug:
Fuck Tibet. My aversion to the Olympics is all about the Bob Costification of the Games.

 

Doug:
You know all the incessant talking and soft focus vignettes on individual athletes and the "problems" they had to overcome or possibly even their "victimhood" and the ensuing crapfest that the Olympic TV coverage has devolved to.

 

Mike:
Jeez, I figured a red blooded, flag waving Rethuglican like you would get wood ovah the nation-vs-nation medal count.

 

Doug:
Oh, you silly misguided lib. I get excited ovah the type of nation-vs-nation thing like the USS Lake Erie flexing its anti-ballistic missile muscle by shooting a satellite out of the sky and leaving the Chinese to piss themselves and not who has the most medals in esoteric sports like ping pong that nobody gives a fuck about except for a couple weeks every 4 years.

 

Al:
Hey, don't you be bad mouthing table tennis.

 

 

Doug:
OK. Sure. But for every 5 minutes of actual sports coverage you're going to have enduah 55 minutes of personal back story.

 

Doug:
Cue, dramatic, emotionally indulgent music and imagine the voice of Bob Costas …

This is the story of John Doe, unlikely star in an unlikely sport on an unlikely team of unlikely people …

 

Doug:
John's life started out idyllic enough, born on a farm in America's heartland. He attended church, ate his vegetables, and appreciated the honest value of hard work like getting up at 4am to help his father milk the cows.

Then one day John's simple life was no more. A meteor fell on the family farm and killed everything: John's parents, the cows, the pigs, the horse, even the two jackrabbits 7 year old John has affectionately and ironically names Mr and Mrs Starburst. John was the only survivor of this unlikely tragedy.

 

Doug:
So then John was sent to live with his grandparents who were nice enough folk but who were also deaf mutes. John was never able to get the affection he needed, never able to converse with his loved ones about the horrible tragedy stuck in this poor 7 year old's heart.

But John discovered an outlet. John discovered the Boy Scouts. And among the Scouts John felt the belonging and sense of achievement he so craved in his prepubescent yearning and growing bones, bones that carried the soul of a future Olympian.

 

Doug:
Pause for commercial break and then …

All was going so well for John until another horrific, almost unspeakable event transpired. While on a Scout camping trip, deep in the Pacific Northwest, and in the loving cocoon of his Scout family, a predator lurked. One of the Scout Masters was a pederast and he had his sick sights on John.

Luckily John was able to escape the buggahs malicious clutches and he ran away, and kept running. Where else could he go?

 

Doug:
Search parties searched for weeks but were never able to find John, but little did they know, this lost, scared, hurt, almost anally raped, future Olympian had fallen into a deep crevice and was injured. He couldn't walk. He was hungry. And he was very scared.

 

Doug:
Then his luck changed. A family of Sasquatch found John, nursed him back to health and made him one of their own.

And it was among his time with the Sasquatch that he learned two very important life lessons, lessons that could very well make the difference in a few short hours in Beijing. John learned how to walk with a really long gait correlated with an almost poetic swing of the arms, and he learned the sport of table tennis, or as the Sasquatch call it: Rrrrr Agg Rii.

 

Doug:
And here we are, 2008, the Beijing Olympic games where even among the best players in the world, the Chinese, John is respected and maybe even feared.

And it's why among the legion of 30-35 people who closely follow the sport in the States he is known simply as "Big Foot."

Now let's return to the table tennis action for 5 minutes before we go to something else as equally uplifting and personally endearing as John's story.

 

Al:
OK, OK, you win. Your cynicism has ovahwhelmed me like a strategically well placed s.b.d faht after a Chipotle burrito lunch.

 

Doug:
That's right. Breathe in my resplendence that is nevah silent and has no bitch!

 

Comments

So I take it Doug doesn't have a TIVO?

So,I went to the Soxaholix this morning and War and Peace broke out :) ba-doom

...and btw,what if the Sasquatch's name was Ditka?

I don't think a Tivo has much to do with Doug's overall thesis that the Olympic TV coverage puts less and focus on the events.

So, yeah, you could fast forward through the 55 mins of crap to watch the 5 full minutes of any given sport, but the fact is you're still getting just 5 mins.

And yes the 5/55 min ratio is a hyperbole, but hopefully I don't have to dole out yet another long winded expository (with a side of suppository) about how this site isn't about accuracy but about humor and sarcasm. (I don't do I?)

Meanwhile, last time I checked, Tivo doesn't have the ability to scour the hard drive and remove all instances of Bob Costas.

Great story line. I hate Bob Costas. I find it hard to believe that he is so highly regarded. The storyline is funny but Costas would imbue this story with even more pathos than you depict. He would also have said 'back in the US, John is known as the Mickey Mantle of table tennis'.

I get that HB. My comment was an apparently failed attempt at humor in missing the point. Clearly I should leave the humor to the professionals around here.

I don't have any plans to watch the Olympics, although my daughter has programmed the TIVO to record every equestrian event.

COD FTW!

Sorry, sometimes I like typing entire sentences made completely of initialisms.

COD is right though. The DVR was practically made for the Olympics. Set it to record a block of coverage. Watch or do something else for a while. Come back later, zip through the tear-jerking soft-focused crap to get to the thrilling competition of dressage!

Other things to zip through: Bob drooling on Michael Phelps, men's basketball, diving, anything involving someone from the network trying out one of the "crazy" sports, weightlifting (how can this be a sport?), and gymnastics (this isn't a sport -- it's a judged artistic competition, just like figure skating).

Things not to zip past include track, swimming, beach volley ball, triathlon, softball, and cycling.

Poop. I forgot to mention that it was a great strip today, hb.

But, the "I take it you don't have TiVo" could have been the very next line after Doug's long, heartfelt monologue.

But, no, TiVo hasn't installed anti-Costas software yet but you know someone is working on open source software that will do just that except that it will only run on Linux.

What I'm hoping for is the coverage that appears away from prime time on non-NBC channels will be a bit more competition focused.

Personally, I'll probably watch some table tennis and badminton via the DVR.

I'm not joking, I enjoy both of those events. But I'm not confident there will be much coverage.

I'll probably watch some fencing too, although that I think that will have to be online. It's a shame as the US women's saber team is favored to take the Gold.

Having no life of my own, I have to live vicariously through my kid's interests.

Messin' with Sasquach, h.b.?

Best. Soxaholix. Evah.

Truly inspired.

I might need to add synchronized swimming to the viewing schedule.

US Soccer anyone? We just took down Japan. This is like a warmup for the SA world cup.

不套袋對科斯塔斯。他是一個sanctimonious按喇叭,但他是在一個不可能的情況。他將不會看到日光為三個星期。中國人是不喜歡你,我和問題,這些遊戲是會有一個試圖檢視中國社會通過西方眼睛是雪亮的。而不是觀賞遊戲,我建議你花時間讀一本書由白俄羅斯共和國gifford題為中國的道路:旅的未來有上升的權力。

雅各比現在要住在曼努埃爾的房子在麗嘉酒店,我簽署了為賈森notmanny樂隊旅行車。
立法會

lc

and now for the reverse translation. this gag never gets old

Not bagging on the Costas. He is a sanctimonious An Laba, but he is in an impossible situation. He will not see daylight for three weeks. Chinese people do not like you and I, these games are trying to have a view of Chinese society through Western eyes are discerning. Rather than watch the game, I suggest you spend time reading a book from the Republic of Belarus gifford entitled China's roads: the future of the brigade are on the rise of power.

Jacoby is now living in Manuel's house in the Ritz-Carlton Hotel, I signed for Jason notmanny band wagon.
Legislative Council

Jeez, H.B., did you really have to write that "John" story and make me shoot coffee out of my nose not once, but three times?

Superbly bizzare and funny.

Are you sure "John" isn't really Chris Chicester/Clark Rockefeller? Talk about sick fucks...

Christ, h.b., amazing.

Maybe you're Ditka.

COD-
nice call on the synch swimming. I especially like the unis
great strip, hb, but the link to "a German gangbang porn clip" isn't working

A coworker's hubby and dad are on the US sailing team and Costas will be sporting wood telling their story - Oldest member of the US Olympic team finally making it after many attempts starting in 1968, sailing with his son-in-law, lost houses in Katrina, paid big bucks to take care of his employees post K ....

I'm already sick of Michael Phelps.

Martha, if you're out there today, I can't type coworker without thinking about "cow orker" from my summer at AHD.

Fucking awesome. Thanks h.b. and the sawx finally gave timmah some runs before he left the game!!!

H.B. simply amazing with the John Doe. I was starting to get all attached and then I realized you were playing a cruel joke with my emotions...perhaps Costas could use you as a consultant for his 55 minutes of rambling. Everyone please make sure to watch as much water polo as you can...perhaps the greatest sport besides kickball.

Awesome strip HB. I love that New England cynicism. So many outsiders don't get it. I will not watch much Olympics either. Too many better things to do with my summer nights here in Colorado.

Glad to see Timmah get some run support finally.

Headed to Chicago. I will be at the game on Friday night.

Go Sox.

genius, hb...genius.

Costas and his agony-porn obsession was the talk of the office yesterday - but it quickly went to his likely wig or massive chemical spill in his hair. If you do watch, check out his brow - never moves and hasn't in about 20 years. Can't be natural.

//I'm already sick of Michael Phelps.//

You must be a man. ;-)

I wonder if NBC will cover the Darfurian shooting competition.

Hey now! Don't be hating on the Costas!

If your only encounter with Costas is the Olympics, I can see why you have issues. I doubt he writes half of the schlock they make him say. I'm pretty sure most of the Winter Olympics he did was pre-taped and scripted by NBC hacks.

Watch Costas Now on HBO. When he talks baseball, it's fun. The rest of it is pretty good too.

I definitely miss the days of 90/10 sports-to-talk Olympics. NBC has raped my childhood love of the Games like a Scout Master undressing John Doe with his eyes.

Kaz, I couldn't disagree more. Costas talking about baseball is even more horribly annoying than him talking about any other spot.

The very sound of his voice makes me angry.

Maybe I (and others I presume) have some anti-Costas gene in our DNA?

Bravo HB
-Thanks for reminding me why I watch as much Olympics as I can on CBC-Canadian TV.

Scott-
I'll be in Chicago for the series also. Where're you sitting? Anyone got any bar/pub tips to pass along? Bob?

And the strips justs keep on coming. HB, you've been hitting for the past month like it's a contract year.

COD - brilliant link. When can Brazil start producing some women's tennis talent too?

I didn't mind Costas about 20 years ago but as the sports media has gone completely soft - ESPN mirrors NBC in velveta factor - the mute button has received more attention. Its as if Oprah runs every media outlet.

utterly brilliant!

Buck, for a really excellent pizza around the White Chlock's park, check out Vito & Nick's.

Contrary to popular belief, Chicago isn't an entirely deep-dish town. In fact, some say that the North side is deep-disgh, while the south side is thin crust (like Vito & Nick's).

My buddy Jack who used to work at Pete's Pub turned my on to the place.

Here's a link:

http://www.vitoandnick.com/

Oh, and it goes without saying: they have a bar.

BTW, when I say "around the White Shlock's park," I mean on the south side. As I (barely) remember it, Vito & Nick's is still a cab ride away.

There are plenty of wonderfully nasty south side bars hard up against the actual park though.

Griffin, actually no, I'm a woman. Perhaps if you put a bag on his head, Phelps would do it for me.

"bones that carried the soul of a future Olympian"

"almost anally raped, future Olympian"

Nice. I laughed out loud several times, but these two were the big winners for me.

Great stuff, hb.

Here's some fun:
http://www.abc.net.au/news/video/2008/08/07/2328026.htm "> Clarke & Dawe on the Olympics

[BWOE, (i) Peter Costello is the former treasurer who may be about to run for the post of opposition leader. (ii) Clarke is humming the Aust. nat. anthem]

Sonoma, what's the word on that Sept. 3 game?

Buckner,

The area around New Comisky is bad. My GF who is from Chitown (Cubs Fan) won't even let us take public transportation to the game. I'm not sure of any establishments near the park that won't involve taking a serious risk.

Bob,

I had no idea about thin crust pizza in Chicago. There is hope for mankind yet.

I wanna go to Chicago too; to some nasty south side bar [Sobs uncontrollably].

Great link SDU-LMAO

sorry Bob - forgot to get back. unbeknownst to me (like most things) we are in the greater Damariscotta region middle of that week.

who's dh-ing while ortiz and urlacher are off in china, imbedding shuttlecocks in oppositions shins.

cool ss, back where ya belong. Dinner's on me at Beale St. or Red's [big spendah]

lc

and I thought I was alone in my Costas hatred. Does anyone else think his incessant enthusiasm is fueled by some chemical?

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