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Bill:
Friggin' Shaughnessy, he just can't let go of the occult, phantasmagoric, supahnatural meme can he?
Mike:
So how hahd do you think it was for him to go with feint of the "occult hand from the wretched past" rathah than come right out and say what he really wants to, "The Curse Returns!"?
Bill:
The irony is that there is a mofo curse and it's the CHB himself and we're damned to all eternity to be stuck with him.
Mike:
Seriously, the Red Sox could win 3 consec World Series, and there'd be Shaughnessy, hunched ovah his keyboard, waiting, waiting, for a low moment to unleash.
Bill:
He's like the friggin herpes virus. You go years with a picture perfect penis and then one day, whoops, you've got a one way ticket to soreville.
Mike:
Of course, the news about Beckett feels like waking up with an STD.
Bill:
Yeah, seeing the doctor is "just a precaution." Right. Kinda like how the Russian troops in Georgia are just a precaution.
Mike:
But, you know, it's the Friday befoah a long weekend, the ol' man's letting us go at noon, and there's an entiah Septembah of baseball left …
Bill:
Yeah, somehow I think we'll find a way to carry on.
Mike:
You know what they say, "When the occult hand serves you gruel, eat it and shut the fuck up."
Mike:
Pedroia let his bat do the talking and what it said was, "I come to bury the Yankees, not praise them."
Al:
Yeah, and aftah that if you could hear the whimpah of tens of thousands of Yankees fans losing hope.
Al:
Pinto nails it in his Requiem for the Yankees post — "his isn't a good team playing poorly. No one sits there thinking, 'If only Sidney Ponson and Darrell Rasner can live up to their potential.'"
Mike:
But the Yankees will be back soonah than we probably realize.
Doug:
We're hee-ah.
We've no fee-ah
Get used to it, bitches.
Doug:
Now this is
an epitaph suitable for framing:
"When the desperate Yankees needed their superstar to deliver he failed miserably. No hits in five at-bats. Two double play ground balls, one that came in the seventh with the bases loaded. A fielding error. And no hits in two at-bats with runners in scoring position."
Doug:
A-Fraud says he's "perplexed" by his sudden drop off.
Doug:
Yeah, A-Rod was all, "I've been stickin' my 5-tools into that? Oh, help me Johnny, Jete, and Bobby, what have I done?!"
Mike:
Madonna is so much like the current Yankees, living proof that no mattah how much money and wishful thinking you throw at it, you're eithah young or you're not. And neithah are.
Mike:
Memo to Damon: The best playah in the league doesn't go 1-for-10 on the season with the bases loaded and 0-for-7 when there are less than two outs.
Doug:
Hey, Johnny, how's that move to the Yankees working out for you? Dumbass.
Bill:
So do the Sox go in and finally put the Yankees out of their misery or what?
Mike:
Let's hope the Red Sox play this final series in Yankee Stadium like cold hahted assassins and not like an errand boy, sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill.
Bill:
Not that I'm complaining, but with the Yankees teetering on becoming "also rans" this early, it takes some of piss and vinegah out of the series.
Mike:
Yeah, good time to call your ol' Yankees' fan buddy Mahty and remind him of his misfortune.
Bill:
Nah, I don't call Mahty for the same reason I don't troll around the comments sections of Yankees blogs.
Mike:
Act like you've been there?
Bill:
Absolutely. We were acting like we'd been there even when we hadn't. And now that we have, well, winning 2 of the past 4 World Series capped with the catclysimic bitch slip that was the '04 ALCS says all that needs sayin'.
Bill:
Besides, I'm guessing Mahts has his hands full in Denvah these days.
Mike:
Oh, you've got to be shitting me …
Bill:
I shit you not — He's a delegate. And he's one of the angry ones.
Mike:
And people wondah why my generation is cynical about politics?
Bill:
Well, just when I was about to agree with the notion that this was turning into August 2006 all ovah again, the Sox go out and take 2 of 3 from Jays.
Doug:
Yeah, a loss yestahday would've had me ready to flush the crappah on these guys.
Doug:
Absolutely. They're still just hanging on to the wild cahd lead by a thread. And then the injuries?
Bill:
So we've collectively given up on taking the Division?
Doug:
What do you think? Tampa isn't all of a sudden going to fold the way we were saying just a coupla weeks ago.
Bill:
I still believe the Red Sox are the best team in American League despite the won/loss record and despite some of the mediocrity we've seen on the field in any given game.
Doug:
Yeah, and a lot of people swear they've seen Big Foot.
Bill:
Hey, don't fuck with the Sasquatch, guy.
Mike:
The thought of Leryn Franco getting her nasty on in Beijing gives me the hypahtension.
Al:
Ah, Christ, now that you've gone and mentioned Franco how am I supposed to sit and work on spreadsheets the rest of the damned day?
Doug:
Ah, before you two start growing hair out of your palms, let me remind you that some of these Olympians are playing for the othah team, if you know what I mean.
Mike:
Here we go again with Doug's two week obsession syncro diving.
Al:
You know, dude, you can get counseling for your repression.
Doug:
What can I say? I', fascinated by the homoeroticism that drips off this event. It's like that British dude said, "It all looks like a wonderfully elegant gay suicide pact."
Mike:
Is this what they mean by an "awkward silence"?
Susan/Circle:
I swear to Christ if I see him pitch again I'm going to go into early menopause.
Mike:
At least the Red Sox finally handed him the Chance cahd reading, "Go directly to the minah leagues and do not pass Pawtucket but go directly to Portland."
Susan/Circle:
One more chance at redemption or it's back to stealing laptops in Hickville.
Susan/Circle:
Hopefully, Meryl Masterson can put in a call to Jesus and give Buchholz a shout out.
Susan/Circle:
Ah, well, I'm pretty sure Jesus is just as pissed with Buchholz as the rest of us.
Mike:
Seriously, The Christ would be all,
"Clay, dude, I got your white trash ass out of Lumberton, I got you a no hitter, and this is the thanks I get?
"I mean, c'mon, dude, don't make me have to change my parable to 'Let Clay Buchholz cast the first mofo stone as he hasn't a chance in hell of hitting anybody with it.'"
Steve:
Yeah, dude continues to tend toward the wild and he walks more than he strikes out, yet he keeps on winning.
Steve:
But meanwhile so does Tampa Bay.
Steve:
Seriously. The Rays are the Chinese gymnast He Kexin -- Even when they lose they still win.
Mike:
Best friggin record in baseball. Jeez.
Mike:
You know it was cool at the beginning of the season when Tampa broke of its always in last place shell.
Mike:
But now that we are moving into the time of mists of mellow fruitfulness, it's really stahting to piss me off.
Steve:
On the bright side, at least Yaz is OK.
Mike:
Absolutely. And let's give a long overdue and earnest shout out to the cardiovascular surgeons at MGH and hospitals throughout the world for the critical, uber MVP work they do in saving lives every day of the week.
Your humble author is getting waylaid with day job deadlines, so I give you Lisa the Temp …
Lisa the Temp:
C'mon my peeps, why are you even still wasting your precious time following the Red Sox when The Greatest Athlete Who Ever Lived™ walks among us?
Lisa the Temp:
Behold His Majesty! (And I think Fenway's "Sausage King" needs to find a new moniker, don't you?)
Lisa the Temp:
That was Manny telling Michael Phelps that when Manny grows up he wants to be Michael Phelps.
Lisa the Temp:
But Lisa's got the inside scoop on more … When Michael Phelps mom gave birth to Michael Phelps she originally wanted to name him "Ditka" but the UN Security Council blocked it for fear of worldwide Armageddon.
Al:
Yeah,
so much for
those "feel good August" reverberations last week. We're now just a ½ game up in the wild cahd.
Doug:
Hey, I thought that once the "distraction" of Manny was out of the way that this team was going to bond around hahd work and brothahhood and that they'd be cruising into the end of the season on streets paved with gold while drinking milk and honey?
Doug:
Meanwhile, as the guys in red stocking were getting the stuffing knocked out of em, the good-fer-nothin' scourge drove in three runs on a homah. So let's see that's 21 RBI in 16 games since moving to LA. I'm just sayin'.
Doug:
Hey, there's no need to bring your sex life into this, dude.
Mike:
As much as it stings, I've got to admit that
this line from Deadspin is gold:
"One loss is not a perfect season. A perfect season is Megan Fox. One loss is America Ferrera. You are America Fucking Ferrera, and don't ever forget it."
Al:
Yeah, well, something tells me the New York Giants are Lindsey Lohan, a brief moment in the spotlight followed by a rapid downward spiral.
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