A reading from the Book of Papi …
… And after seasons of great joy, a shadow passed ovah the land …
And even the stoutest of heart began to wondah, began to worry …
And some began to speak of the most unspeakable things …
And the false prophets, cowed and silenced during the good times, fed on the negative and their hoary voices again found listeners among the fearful …
And the Big Man, El Papi, witnessed these dahk goings on and his most benevolent heart ached for his people …
Thus he spoke:
"I'm going to activate myself even if I’m hurt because I have the sword that can control the beast of Manny Ramirez.
"Everything is going to be OK."
And the people were made whole again and there was a great rejoicing.
Praise be the Ortiz!