Some damping down

Mike:
Waking up to a Monday is bad enough, waking up to a Monday in second place is a great abeyance.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
Memo to the pink hats: We've got a bullpen problem.

 

---

Mike:
What the frig has happened to Okajima?

 

---

Mike:
I mean I knew there'd be some regression from his off the chahts work last year, but I didn't think I'd need to dig out my black cassock.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
Seriously, Oki's supah stah trajectory is falling so rapidly I half expect to see a Page Six headline linking him to Amy Winehouse.

 

---

Mike:
So much for the promising "Doki Doki" secret pitch.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
So much for the "hero in the dahk."

 

---

Mike:
But while we're burying Okajima, let's not forget the othah troubles — Tek in the mothah of all slumps, Ellsbury struggling, and the usual zen-like Manny going all Bruce Bannistah on people.

 

---

Susan/Circle:
This is midseason, then, a modest aggrievance.

 

---

Mike:
And nothing a sweep of the Rays won't draw away like a poultice.

 

---

Some say they appear to be in a kind of trance

Bill:
Well, seems like only yestahday we were shoveling snow and watching guys stretch in Fort Meyers, yet here we are 81 games into the season and halfway to Octobah.

 

---

Doug:
Unbelievable how quickly this season has progressed. But, yeah, here we are with 81 in the books and only one game shy of last year's pace, which surprises me somewhat in that watching this team ovah the first 81, I feel they are even bettah than last year's club.

 

---

Bill:
Considering the injuries this season, being only one off of last year's pace supports the argument that maybe they are bettah than in '07.

 

---

Bill:
So any predictions for the 2nd half?

 

---

Doug:
Red Sox take the East, of course. Los Aneheims in the West. Maybe White Sox in the Central and, drumroll please, Tamba Bay with the wild cahd.

 

---

Bill:
What, no Yankees? Oh, the sacrilege.

 

---

Doug:
Yeah, right now from Chillicothe to Hackensack an army of Pinstripe homahs are hunkered ovah their dirty keyboards in a flurry of two-fingahed typing to tell us just how wrong we are.

 

---

Bill:
Honestly, though, I'd nevah completely count the Yankees out.

 

---

Doug:
Me neithah. I mean they are like the undead zombies in a Romero film.

 

---

Bill:
Yeah, I was watching the Yankees the other night, and defensively they are about as quick and limbah as the zombies in the graveyahd scene of Night of the Living Dead.

 

---

Doug:
But if you stumble or get cornered, they are all the fuck ovah your ass.

 

---

Interfatigue Play

Al:
Wicked Timmah!

 

---

Mike:
I like the way Red puts it: "Sometimes he's Shakey Wakey. Sometimes he's Tim the Enchanter. Sometimes he's the guy who's kicking your ass with an infuriatingly effective knuckleball." That was last night.

 

---

Al:
And how about the othah end of last night's energizah battery? Who knew Cash had some long ball in him?

 

---

Doug:
And now it's on to Houston and, thankfully, the end of interleague play.

 

---

Doug:
I mean Is it just me or has it seemed like this season's interleague play schedule was twice as long as normal?

 

---

Mike:
And 3 times as gimmicky.

 

---

Doug:
I know Selig and company are perpetually fighting the battle of increasing the revenue and popularity of the game, but this interleague interlude feels more tawdry and contrived with each passing season.

 

---

Al:
Who could have predicted that we'd be waiting with giddy anticipation to return to an AL East matchup with Tampa Bay?

 

---

Mike:
That's just it, isn't it? I mean any given season the rivalries within each division are exciting enough without having to resort to forced interleauge drama.

 

---

Doug:
Absolutely. I mean there's a reason we watch baseball and not Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

 

---

With the lilac tall ...

Your omniscient author in absentia:
Well, seems life isn't done throwing a few breaking pitches at us … Over the weekend my wife's grandmother passed away, so I'll be out of town Monday – Wednesday to travel to the funeral.

I'll see you back here Thursday morning.

 

---

To the great abeyance

Lisa the Temp:
As you know, peeps, Lisa has no interest in sports or the people who play sports.

 

---

Lisa the Temp:
But, that being said, even Lisa the Temp can appreciate the warm glow that has settle over the city these days.

 

---

Lisa the Temp:
You know, a pale subtle happiness of light and sunshine …

 

---

Lisa the Temp:
A feeling of bird-like freedom, bird-like altitude, bird-like exuberance …

 

---

Lisa the Temp:
And a third thing in which curiosity is united with a tender contempt.

 

---

Lisa the Temp:
Things are going so swell, peeps, that Lisa has been invited to spend the weekend on the Cape.

 

---

Lisa the Temp:
I've never been — But, oh, I hear it's lots of fun.

 

---

We'll be hearing this all season

Marty:
6 in a row Callaghan and gaining fast. Prepare to meet your maker, Masshole.

 

---

Bill:
Oooooooo, veeewee scaaawee!

 

---

Marty:
You can joke, but 4 back in the loss column isn't a laughing matter for you Sux fans.

 

---

Bill:
Mahty, puh-leeze. It's mid-June. Act like you've been to Octobah, Mahts. You're sounding more and more like sycophant for a first year franchise club.

 

---

Marty:
A-Rod is on fire. Johnny Damon (remember him?) also on fire.

 

---

Bill:
Ah, jeez, Mahty, enjoy those flames while they flickah, because let's face it, most of your guys are held together with cocktails of Praecis and Viagra.

 

---

Bill:
And your fahm system is so depleted that your having to go out and sign the Sidney Ponson's of this world.

 

---

Bill:
Meanwhile, we are so fucking stocked that we're wearing a rut on I-95 shuttling guys back and forth from Portland and Pawtucket. Why? Because we fucking can, Mahty, that's why.

 

---

Marty:
Hey, Ponson was pitching well in Texas this season.

 

---

Bill:
Mahty, listen to yourself fercrissakes.

 

---

Bill:
While you're getting wood for a washed out has been and general club house cancah, we've got a guy like Charlie Zink in AAA who is ready to step into a Majah League rotation right now but we've already got a knuckballah stahting.

 

---

Bill:
I mean, there's depth and then there's motherfucking depth, know what I mean, Mahty?

 

---

Marty:
You're going to need it all to handle the Yanks.

 

---

Bill:
Mahty, you know I'm kinda busy, so do you think you could spare me your drunk dialing and maybe call the Psychic Friends Network instead?

 

---

"The best basketball team in the known universe"

Rider on Green Line:
This day belongs entirely to the 2008 NBA Champions — The Boston Celtics.

As Bob Ryan writes,

Embrace it. Ogle it. Relish it.
But, above all, believe it.

 

---

City of Inferiorly Love

Al:
Jeez, that was ugly.

 

---

Mike:
Yeah, I'm sure all the hatahs in Philly are feeling rathah pompous this morning.

 

---

Doug:
You know it's one thing to hate on The Nation, but hitting Manny with the slandah is causa belli.

 

---

Mike:
Uh, what do you expect. Manny is way too enigmatic for the low brows in Philly to fathom …

 

---

Doug:
Seriously. We barely even understand The Man Man, and we're the most erudite fucking fans on the face of the planet.

 

---

Mike:
And you know, all this criticism might have more of a sting if Philly's most celebrated sports stah of the past 50 years wasn't a fictional charactah. I mean, how friggin sad is that?

 

---

Al:
"Yo, Adrienne? Adrienne? Where's my cheese steak?"

 

---

Mike:
Yeah, you can really empathize with their Red Sox Nation envy. Philadelphia has always been an ugly, afterthought of a city perpetually in the shadow of New York — But at least they could think they were bettah than Boston as long as we toiled with the so-called Curse.

 

---

Mike:
Now they've got nothing left but to dwell on the fact that none of their sports teams have won a championship in ovah 25 years.

 

---

Doug:
Hey, but at least they can kick the shit out of Boy Scouts.

 

---

Al:
That's right, Philly, keep on keepin it real.

 

---

In repose

Bill:
Watching the Red Sox this season just leaves me feeling contented.

 

---

Bill:
This club has such depth and easy-goingness to things — Matsuzaka goes on the DL? No probs, Masterson shines.

 

---

Bill:
Big Papí goes on the DL? Whatev. The offense actually improves without him.

 

---

Mike:
Remembah when people said Red Sox fans would hate winning and that we actually self-identified with catastrophe and failure?

 

---

Mike:
Yet here we are happy as we've evah been.

 

---

Bill:
Absolutely. I mean the meme that Red Sox fans actually liked losing even when couched in academic gobbledygook espousing the "Puritan jeremiad" etc. was 1 of the 3 biggest fallacies I've eveh experienced.

 

---

Mike:
Yeah, what were the othah 2?

 

---

Bill:
Ah, 1) that money can't buy you happiness …

 

---

Bill:
And 2) that if you stand up to a bully they'll somehow collapse in the face of your challenge and bravura.

 

---

Bill:
Not a whiff of truth to eithah bit of those two canahds.

 

---

Mike:
Yeah, I remembah standing up to Brick Murphy in the 3rd grade. Dude not only didn't magically wilt like a daisy but instead turned his sadism from a 5 up to 11.

 

---

Green Grow the Rushes, O

Your omniscient author in absentia:
No strip today as I so overslept, and now I'm in an enthusiastic torpor trying to catch up.

Many of you may be in similar circumstances from having stayed up into the wee hours replaying moments in your head from the Celtics improbable victory last night.

 

---

Seeing the forest and the trees

Bill:
I only have one thing to say today — Bartolo Colon.

 

---

Mike:
Holy shit, I'm watching him last night with mouth agape thinking How in the name of frig did we get this guy?

 

---

Bill:
Theo sees things.

 

---

Mike:
Seriously, if this were the 1690s, dude would burned at the stake for his unnatural, demonic powahs.

 

---

Bill:
I'm sure there are more than a few Yankees fans these who'd be happy to gathah wood for the fiah.

 

---

Mike:
Funny, who knew we'd see the day when people would chant "Yankees Suck" because it's true?

 

---

From the past until completion

Bill:
You know, anytime we get beat it leaves me a little sour.

 

---

Bill:
And getting beat by the Orioles, in particular an Orioles team that seems to totally have Okajima's numbah, is even more acerbic.

 

---

Bill:
But somehow, seeing Kevin Millar out there smiling, enjoying himself, giving it his all, makes it easiah to take.

 

---

Mike:
Seriously. I can't look at Millar without getting that warm overwash of pleasant memory and nostalgia …

 

---

Bill:
The "Cowboy Up!" the shaved heads, the 8 in a row run …

 

---

Mike:
The Octobah that changed everything.

 

---

Bill:
Amen, guy, amen.

 

---

Mike:
And as much as things have changed for the bettah for us, can you imagine the flip side?

 

---

Mike:
I mean, sure, there are always going to be those mouth-breathahs who go to Red Sox sites and leave ALL-CAP comments like "Red Sux bewarz Yankees winnarz;" and such …

 

---

Mike:
But for the rest of the Yankees fan base, they've been emotionally gutted by the events of the past coupla years.

 

---

Bill:
You can see it in their eyes, hear it in their voices.

 

---

Mike:
Seriously. I mean things have gotten so bad for the Yankees that even Baltimore fans are taking pity on them.

 

---

Bill:
Good times, good times.

 

---

Thermostatically yours

Lisa the Temp:
You what pisses Lisa the Temp off, peeps?

 

---

Lisa the Temp:
I tell you what — 90 plus degrees out and I have to lug my layers of clothing around on the train all over town from one office to the next.

 

---

Lisa the Temp:
Why you ask?

 

---

Lisa the Temp:
Because though it may be 99 degrees outside, inside these offices it's like 62 degrees!

 

---

Lisa the Temp:
So Lisa has to wrap up to keep the twins warm with jackets and sweaters and even a portable space heater when I can get away with it.

 

---

Lisa the Temp:
They talk about a "glass ceiling" preventing women from advancing in the workplace, but they're wrong.

 

---

Lisa the Temp:
It may look like glass but it's really ice. Ice, people. Frozen frickin ice.

 

---

Lisa the Temp:
Women cannot excel under these conditions, peeps. It's a known fact.

 

---

Lisa the Temp:
Listen to Lisa and be mindful.

 

---

Hot enough for ya?

Susan:
So Big Brown off the steroids performed pretty much like Jason Giambi off the steroids, eh?

 

---

Mike:
Yeah, that was the biggest collapse of a "sure thing" since the '04 Yankees in the ALCS.

 

---

Susan:
Maybe Rick Dutrow should get together with A-Rod and discuss how they'll kick everyone's ass next time around with a "dropping the shouldah move"?

 

---

Mike:
Meanwhile, who's laughing now about J.D. Drew's hyperbaric chambah?

 

---

Susan:
Seriously. There's no "Nancy" in Drew's ascendency.

 

---

Mike:
Dude's on a tear since Papi was DL'ed — 542 with 3 homahs and 8 RBI to help lead the Sox to 5 victories in 7 games.

 

---

Susan:
And what about Masterson? Undefeated in his first 4 stahts and now 3-0 on the season. Un.Buh.Leivable

 

---

Mike:
It's going to be tough to send him back when Matzusaka and Buchholz are ready to return.

 

---

Susan:
That's a problem I bet a lot of clubs wish they had.

 

---

Mike:
All Hail Theo! Mastah of the Baseball Universe.

 

---

Coco is loco

Doug:
See, I told you we'd one day miss Batshit Taverez.

 

---

Mike:
Yeah, if Batshit has been there, the Rays wouldn't be wondering how many days of suspension they'd be getting but how many days in the hospital they'd be staying.

 

---

Al:
Nice feint by Coco to miss that initial roundhouse from Shields.

 

---

Mike:
Yeah, but all in all, Crisp was a friggin chump for chahging the mound. He should taken first and stolen second — that would have been far superior revenge.

 

---

Doug:
Absolutely. I hope Coco's little bravura of toughness helped stave off his self-esteem and inadequacy issues and was worth the ensuing suspension, especially with Ellsbury possibly out of action.

 

---

Doug:
If the Sox end up suffering losses due to Coco's need to prove he has pair, I'm going to be ripshit.

 

---

Al:
So you think the Youks/Manny kerfuffle was due to Manny's lethargy in joining the fracas?

 

---

Mike:
Probably. But, personally, I don't want Manny anywhere near an on field rumble.

 

---

Doug:
Hmmm … let me see, what's more important — protecting the honor of chronic underachievah and platoon outfieldah Coco Crisp or protecting one of the greatest hittahs of all time and backbone of the offense?

 

---

Mike:
Well, you know, Youks might have been called the Greek God of Walks but nevah was called the Greek God of Wisdom.

 

---

Rays: 23 for 66 at Fenway

Doug:
Ah, the Red Sox are in their first place heaven, and all is right with the world.

 

---

Mike:
I must say it's enjoyable watching the Sox "battle" for the AL East with a club that doesn't turn me into a Mr. Hyde of hatred. I can actually kick back and focus on the game without the cursing, the pacing, the spittle coating my TV screen.

 

---

Doug:
And as much as I live to see the wannabe Rays put in their propah place with an honest to God Fenway beatdown, I'll confess that I'm really happy to see how they've morphed from the chintzy expansion team ne'erdowells to an actual real baseball team. Even their uniforms look earnest rather than gimmicky these days.

 

---

Mike:
Yeah, they've lost that "in between shopping at the Gap and eating at the Cheesecake Factory you can watch a baseball game" taint that clung to them previously.

 

---

Doug:
Now if only they'd go the extra mile toward respectability and stop whining — "Coco Crisp tried to hurt me wha wha wha!"

 

---

Mike:
Seriously. This is Major League Baseball not a Chris Crocker You Tube.

 

---

Vote early, vote often

Bill:
Hey, tough day for you, huh, Mahty? First your candidate for POTUS finally, finally, accepts reality and your highly touted rotation savior gets his first staht and, er, "delivered an erratic and deflating outing." Ouch.

 

---

Marty:
Nothing is conceded, Callaghan, nothing.

 

---

Bill:
Oh, that reminds me, Mahts. I saw your mom on YouTube. She's a fiesty one, eh?

 

---

Bill:
So are you gonna follow the old lady's lead and vote for McCain, too?

 

---

Marty:
Frankly, Callaghan, for whom I vote in November is none of your friggin' business.

 

---

Bill:
Speaking of voting, Mahts, you seen the AL All Star balloting?

 

---

Bill:
First base: Youkilis leads.
Second: Pedroia leads.
Catcher: Varitek leads.
DH: Papi leads.
Outfield: Manny leads.

 

---

Bill:
Any of those names sound familiah to you Mahty?

 

---

Marty:
I heard your DH is wearing a cast, Callaghan. I must say I like the look.

 

---

Bill:
Yeah, I heard your 3rd baseman is wearing white gloves and a purse. I'm sure Carrie Bradshaw approves.

 

---

Down goes Papi

Al:
Don't nobody panic. We went a month without Manny last year and that turned out just fine.

 

---

Mike:
And if it's more than a month?

 

---

Al:
Still fine. There should be plenty of clubs out of contention between the All Star Break and the July 31st trading deadline who'll be willing to unload a sluggah for a prospect or two.

 

---

Doug:
Hey, there's a pretty good free agent out there right now. Perhaps you've heard of him? He's the all time home run leadah.

 

---

Mike:
Barry Bonds? Are you friggin' nuts?

 

---

Al:
Really, guy, I want no paht of that.

 

---

Doug:
Why? All Bonds will cost the club is cash. It's totally low risk, high reward.

 

---

Al:
Hmmm … he did have no protection with the Giants and yet he still had an OPS over 1.000.

 

---

Doug:
Exactly! Imagine him in our lineup? They wouldn't be pitching around him.

 

---

Mike:
Dudes, the man is undah Federal indictment fercrissakes. The fans would never accept him.

 

---

Doug:
Oh, right, I forgot how New Englandahs are unwilling to turn a blind eye toward cheating for the sake winning. [Cough] Bill Belichick. [Cough]

 

---

Mike:
Man, I hate when you do that. Turning into the watah coolah troll, trying to push our buttons with ridiculous statements.

 

---

Doug:
What? Moi?

You know my insomniac monkey-mind ponders the Dove, Symbol of Peace.

 

---

Mike:
Ah, right, how silly of me to forget how Peace loving you Rethuglicans are.

 

---

Doug:
Well, by "peace" I, of course, meant "piece of ass." Heh.

 

---

Mike:
Case in point. May as well staht calling you BigBri.

 

---

Al:
To be fair, the Dove is the symbol of sexual love as well as peace so …

 

---

Mike:
Al! Don't encourage him.

 

---

Doug:
I am the Roy King, bitches. Free Barry!

 

---

Feeding on beauty

Mike:
Wow, when this club gets in a groove, they are such an incredible joy to watch.

 

---

Mike:
I mean they've got a little something for everybody — Strong defense, pitching, homahs and small ball including base stealing even.

 

---

Doug:
Wasn't it Camus who said a man's heart needs beauty as much as his stomach needs bread?

 

---

Doug:
Well, watching the Sox ovah the weekend was so beautiful it was like feeding my heart an olive oil dipped ciabatta.

 

---

Al:
With sea salt.

 

---

Mike:
And you know as much a Manny's 500th and 501st dings were a joy to behold, I'm not even sure where to place Ellsbury's base running on the scale of Red Sox fan beatitude.

 

---

Doug:
Seriously. 6 stolen bases in 2 games? Really? I saw it and I still can't hahdly believe it.

 

---

Al:
Here's a cool comparative factoid: In 1950 Dom DiMaggio was the American League stolen base leadah with just 15!

 

---

Mike:
We are watching history in the making.

 

---

Al:
Though let's hope that tonight Red Sox break from the long history of leaving Timmah out to dry with no run support.

 

---

Doug:
Absolutely. Let's sweep this bitch and turn a horrific road trip into an acceptable one.

 

---