On the right side of a pitching duel

Doug:
Yooouuuuuk!

 

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Bill:
What an opportune time to break out of a slump, eh?

 

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Doug:
Yeah, and what mofo propitious time to snap a 5 game losing streak.

 

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Doug:
I mean beating Hallady on any occassion is a cause célèbre, but besting him when he's pitching a complete game shutout in the bottom of the 9th is friggin' sublime.

 

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Bill:
I tell ya, one month into the 2008 season and I'm pretty pleased with what we're seeing.

 

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Doug:
Same here … Meanwhile, want to play some Jeopardy?

 

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Bill:
Heh. Cue the effin music — DOO doo DOO doo DOO doo DOOooooooooo.

 

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Doug:
OK. In the category "This Mortal Coil" for $200, here is the answer:

"The injuries, the sluggish play by the veterans make this look like a team that just doesn't have it."

 

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Bill:
Ah … Who are the New York Yankees?

 

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Doug:
Correctamundo!

 

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Bill:
So any guess on when Hank will throw Cashman under the bus in an attempt to emulate dear ol' dad?

 

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Doug:
Oh, I'm thinking right around the trading deadline when Cashman balks at one of Hanky's imbecilic "moves."

 

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Bill:
Rest in Fourth, bitches.

 

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In the shadow of greatness

Bill:
$10 gasoline? Are you friggin' kidding me?

 

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Bill:
Remembah the good ol' days when it was the Red Sox and not the global economy that ruined our summahs?

 

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Mike:
Yeah, well, if it's a quid pro quo I'll take the pennants ovah the cheap gas any day.

 

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Bill:
This coming from a guy who doesn't own a car, of course.

 

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Mike:
Hey, who needs a cah when you live in the city?

 

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Bill:
I'm sure our buddy Hugo Chavez is getting some serious morning wood ovah the prospect of $200 a barrel.

 

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Mike:
Is it me or does Chavez sound more and more like Hank Steinbrennah? You know all blustah but no balls.

 

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Bill:
Well, what do you expect, they both love the Bronx.

 

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Mike:
Maybe while Hugo is in town, he and Hank can get together and commiserate about how it feels to be puny playahs living in the shadow of a vanquishing supahpowah?

 

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The Deveel

Mike:
So as it turns out, dropping the "Devil" from the Rays' name was a sagacious move after all.

 

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Doug:
Seriously. If they continue playing like this all season, they are going to feel compelled to change their name to the Tampa Bay "Almighty Blessed Ball Busting Heavenly Rays."

 

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Mike:
Meanwhile, the plague and pestilence damned Red Sox drop 5 straight and await anxiously await their first case of leprosy.

 

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Al:
Jesus Christ let it be Timlin.

 

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Mike:
The truth is, though, if all this were happening in, say, 2003, I'd be strapping on my hairshirt and flagellating myself about how these guys were going to ruin my summah.

 

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Mike:
But now I'm like, meh, we'll get through this rough patch.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, you know, blessed is the club who has labored.

 

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Al:
Ah, OK, but isn't losing 5 straight and suffahring the ignominy of being swept by Tampa Bay enough labah for now? Can we get back to winning again already?

 

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Mike:
Amen, guy, amen.

 

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Not getting the good bounces

Your omniscient author in absentia:
Travel day for me so no strip. (And it's a by car trip rather than a by air trip so even the graphic is out of whack.)

I'd planned on doing a strip despite the travel plans, but woke up to find my day job paycheck was significantly shorted. And even though I took a lot of time off from work to cover my wife's illness, between sick and vacation days, I had plenty to cover. So I've spent my morning sending emails and making phone calls to my HR dept.

I tell you, 2008 has been a real ball bustah for me so far. 

 

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Symptomatically yours

Bill:
I woke up this morning feeling all ass draggy and couldn't figure out why …

 

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Bill:
Then I remembahd — Ah, yes, this is what it feels like the morning aftah a Sox loss. It'd been so long, I'd forgotten.

 

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Mike:
Considering the Sox have become an incubatah for pathogens, it's amazing how close they kept last night's game. I mean Lestah on 3 days rest? Jeez.

 

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Bill:
We've discussed this before, but it bears repeating: Our Boston Red Sox are the sickest team in all of sport.

 

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Mike:
Seriously. Even mouth kissing Italian soccer players don't rock the contagion as effectively as the Old Towne Team.

 

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Bill:
Well, drink plenty of fluids, or, considering the MLB edict, make that drink only Gatorade as all else is banned.

 

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Mike:
Christ, Selig and MLB can be such friggin fascists can't they?

 

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Bill:
Yeah, and a bunch of hypocrites, too. MLB is always mouthing off about the need for playahs to be role models to the kids and all.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, "Hey, kids, remembah, steroids are bad. But loading up on unneeded electrolytes is good for you!"

 

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4 pepper hot

Mike:
Christ, the Red Sox offense is so hot right now it's molten.

 

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Steve:
Seriously. I didn't catch up to the game last night until the Sox were already in a 5-1 hole to the Angels, but I thought, "4 runs? Pffft &8230; that's nothing for this club."

 

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Steve:
Pedroia now leads the league in batting average, hits and doubles. Manny leads in home runs, runs batted in, total bases, and slugging percentage.

 

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Mike:
And what about Ellsbury? 2 dingahs last night and leading the league in runs, if you overlook that he doesn't have enough playing time to technically count in the official stats.

 

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Steve:
Absolutely. And now opposing teams not only have to worry about the run combustible Manny-Papi combo, but also the gasoline that is Ellsbury and Pedroi back to back in the lineup.

 

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Mike:
Burn, baby, burn.

 

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Technical Difficulties...

Your omniscient author in absentia:
My iMac starting acting all frigged up last night and into this morning. I think I solved it, but I used up all my create the day's strip time in doing so.

Generally, this would piss me off, but with the Red Sox winners of 5 straight including a sweep of Texas and winners of 9 of their last 10, I've got no complaints.

 

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On this green bank, by this soft stream

Hart Brachen, strip author:
So how does a knuckleballer go innings without issuing a walk?

Welcome back, Timmah!

 

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Hart Brachen:
Have a wonderful Patriot's Day, everyone!

 

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And with hair like Samson

Doug:
Can you believe there was a time when the Red Sox actually put Manny on waivers for any takahs?

 

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Mike:
In hindsight, of all the clevah moves Theo has made since becoming GM, that one may go down as the shrewdest.

 

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Mike:
I mean since then, Manny has slowly but surely gone from great hittah but consummate bellyachah to great hittah and team playah and as much a paht of the Red Sox mythos as any playah evah.

 

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Doug:
3 homahs in 6 days off Mussina, more moon shots off the Yankees than any othah club, and now just 5 away from 500 … Manny Being Manny? Fuck yeah.

 

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He's Got the Whole World in His Hands

Mike:
Did I really just watch a 4 plus hour game that ended on the wrong side of 15-9?

 

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Doug:
No shit. I've seen t-ball games with bettah pitching than that.

 

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Mike:
So Tito says, " ̷o; we go to Tavarez and if he struggles, that's what happens because we don't have anywhere else to go. The other night, he didn't and we ended up pulling out a win."

 

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Doug:
And there you have it — the entiah success of the '08 Red Sox is currently and completely in the hands of one Batshit Tavarez.

 

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Al:
I don't feel so well.

 

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Doug:
Hey, at least we didn't trade away the kids in ordah to get Santana.

 

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Pinch

Doug:
So He of the thighs that make women young and old buzz like spanish flies, still wields authority with the bat as well, eh?

 

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Bill:
That's why he's Captain Fenway.

 

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Doug:
Pinch hits of any sort amaze me, let along pinch hit homahs. I mean how do you come off the bench cold like that and, boom, just get right into it.

 

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Bill:
Seriously. I can't even take out the friggin' trash without contemplating it for several days before I finally get the momentum to act.

 

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Doug:
Hey, so much for doctah-patient confidentiality, eh?

 

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Bill:
But what's with Schill's "Only in Boston" spin?

 

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Doug:
No shit. Dude's doctah goes on the radio and says dude was all bitchy and whiney one day and told the doc playing for the Yankees is "an option" and reacting to that negatively is something unique to Boston and its fans?

 

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Bill:
Really. "Only in Boston" does a guy like Schilling get enshrined in total mythic grandeur for his feats on the mound, but an athlete getting questioned ovah an example of foot in the mouth disease, well, that'll happen anywhere.

 

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Cognitio

Susan/Circle:
Hello, Joe Borowski? Yeah, I've got Marie Callendar on the line, she wants your recipe for meatballs.

 

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Mike:
Is Manny off to smokin' staht or what? .309 and 14 RBI thru 14!

 

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Susan/Circle:
As Red says, "When Manny steps to the plate, all good things are suddenly possible."

 

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Mike:
And you know Manny, in his own words he "just likes to come and play the game and go home."

 

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Susan/Circle:
And all I've evah wanted to do is go to the pahk, watch him play the game and go home.

 

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Mike:
Really, life doesn't need to be any more complex or profound than that.

 

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Susan/Circle:
I watch Manny, therefore, I am.

 

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Series win cemented

Al:
Well, I know "it's early®" and all, but taking 2 of 3 from the Yankees sure does feel good on an April morning.

 

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Doug:
Are you kidding me, if it wasn't for the performance of his career from Wang, it would have been a sweep.

 

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Al:
Aftah watching the Yankees this weekend, they bettah hope they can find another Wang.

 

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Mike:
I dunno. For this Yankees squad, 2 Wongs won't make a right.

 

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Doug:
Ugh.

 

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Mike:
Hey, I'm here all week, try the veal …

 

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Mike:
But, seriously, even with a second reliable stahtah, the Yankees still have othah issues. I mean they just don't inspire great confidence.

 

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Al:
You want to know how bad it's gotten for the Yankees, they actually went and spent 5 hours with a jackhammah to dig up that silly shirt.

 

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Doug:
Unbelievable. I mean there was a time not so long ago when the Yankees would have taken a more Kruschevian approach …

"You bury shirt? Fine. We bury you in wins not superstitions."

 

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Mike:
Yeah, instead we get this sort of pablum: "Why reward somebody who had really bad motives and was trying to do a really bad thing?"

 

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Doug:
Sniffle sniffle, stop doing really bad things to us you Red Sox meanies.

 

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Mike:
Pah-thetic.

 

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Al:
Yeah, "Mystique and Aura" has become "Shriek with Horror."

 

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Another year, another Yankees v Red Sox series

Marty:
Hey, Callaghan, ready to be embarrassed?

 

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Bill:
Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, it's the eternal cunctator, Mahty Silvahstein.

 

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Marty:
Funny, Bill, have I ever told you how being insulted by you is like being insulted by a mouse?

 

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Bill:
Jeez, Mahts, you're having to look to Hank Steinbrennah for your material these days? That's pretty weak, and by weak I mean like a Johnny Damon throw from the outfield.

 

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Marty:
That's it, Bill. Beat on that straw man. Meanwhile, Monday morning you and your other frigtard Red Sux blow buddies can stand around your water cooler dismissing your Yankee sweepage and ass branding as "it being early yet."

 

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Bill:
Hey, Mahts, I seem to be missing my favorite World Champions t-shirt, you haven't seen it anywhere have you?

 

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Please arrive at least 15 minutes before...

Your omniscient author in absentia:
Another full day of doctor appointments (including my own trip to the specialist re my recent vertigo bout) is going to preclude today's strip. Hopefully, everyone, including Mike Lowell, will receive good news from the docs.

 

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Keep moving

Doug:
OK, I'm as sentimental as the next guy, but doesn't bringing Bucknah out for the first pitch actually feed the "It's Bucknah's fault!" meme rathah than give closure to it?

 

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Al:
Seriously, I haven't thought of Bucknah in ages until yestahday.

 

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Doug:
And anyway wasn't Bucknah's standing ovation Opening Day in 1987 and the ovation during his brief return in '90 and when he hit the insida-the-pahka a kinda sorta signal that he was so-called "forgiven"?

 

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Mike:
If any fans actually felt that.

 

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Doug:
Really. And if anyone is still hahboring any ill will from 86, why just Bucknah? Where is the Opening Day ceremony for Schiraldi?

 

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Al:
Or McNamara or Gedman or Stanley?

 

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Mike:
Anothah way to look at it, though, is that Bucknah, rightly or wrongly, had become the symbol for all the Red Sox angst and frustration and being forever stuck in "Wait Until Next Year" mode.

 

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Mike:
And that yestahday's Opening Day ceremony was a way to ritualistically exorcise those old demons?

 

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Doug:
Well, if that's the case, then why not buy out every remaining copy of Curse of the Bambino and create a giant bonfire in centah field?

 

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Mike:
In any case, can we just, please, move on? If 2004 and then 2007 didn't make things right for some people, then nothing evah will.

 

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A different breed

Doug:
Christ, nothing like getting swept the second series of the season, guess 2008 isn't going to be all milk 'n' honey after all.

 

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Al:
Can you believe the Sox haven't won a series in Canada in 6 tries?

 

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Mike:
Fuck. There hasn't been a group of guys with so little success in the North since the Franklin Expedition.

 

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Doug:
At least there's no cannibalism yet.

 

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Mike:
Only a mattah of time according to Ted Turnah.

 

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Doug:
I love the irony of Turnah lecturing us about global warning while sending broadcast team to Toronto to covah the Sox game nationally on TBS. I mean I'm sure they didn't use any cahbon or anything getting up there.

 

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Mike:
The hypocrisy aside, the biggest problem with all these celebrity doomsday scenes is that they're not especially scary are they?

 

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Al:
Seriously. "Water levels will rise"? Yawnchestah.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, Turnah at least ups the ante but it still ends up kind of lame.

 

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Mike:
Absolutely. Cannibalism in an of itself is kind of "meh."

 

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Mike:
I mean, c'mon, where's the imagination? Where's the apocalyptic "outside the box" thinking?

 

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Doug:
Right, what Turnah should doom and gloom us with is something like a future where people are primitive, dress in rags, can't speak and … ARE RULED BY APES!

 

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Just Rewards

Mike:
Ah, the sweet smell of schedenfraude in the morning — the bittah sportswritah Murray "I hate bloggahs"" Chass is about to lose his job at the New York Times.

 

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Doug:
And I love Dave Pinto's stick in the eye of offering Murray a job writing at the Baseball Musings blog for 10k a year?

 

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Mike:
10k a year? Christ, my year end incentive bonus from this craptastic day job was more than that.

 

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Doug:
Fuck, yeah, I'll offer Chass 5 grand to nevah write again.

 

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Mike:
Maybe Chass can put his wife to work blogging aftar all. If she's a decent writah and patiently builds an audience, she can probably generate anothah 10k a year herself.

 

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Doug:
See you in the cheap seats Murray.

 

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Opening Series Wrapped and Won

Al:
Congratulations to Kevin Youkilis — 194 consecutive errah free games at first and his name in the record book.

 

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Doug:
And Youks had homah last night to boot.

 

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Mike:
And we only had to wait until the 4th game of the '08 season to see the return of Papi as Mr. Clutch.

 

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Al:
But what about Jon Lestah — 3 hits and 3 walks in 6 2/3 scoreless innings?

 

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Doug:
Only the second Sox lefthandah in the last 13 years to win at the Coliseum. Awesome.

 

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Al:
Despite the jacked up schedule and game times, I'm liking 2008 so fah.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, but don't tell this guy.

 

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Doug:
Wondah if he's got all his fave shows from the late 70's recorded on Betamax too? Heh.

 

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Mike:
I dunno, I kinda admiah this guy for being to true to the Braves.

 

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Al:
Yeah, he's cut from the same cloth as us.

 

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Doug:
But to concede in his own essay that the Braves were drawing fewah than 3k fans per game and yet cling to the notion that "the wrong team left Boston" is irrational.

 

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Mike:
Oh, right, because we've, you know, nevah been irrational or otherwise nonsensical when it comes to the Red Sox.

 

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Doug:
OK, OK. You've got me. And I confess to certain bleary-eyed romanticism of Boston a two team city.

 

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Al:
Seriously.

 

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Mike:
And let's face it. Had the Braves stayed in Boston, we'd nevah have allowed that ridiculous "Tomahawk Chop" to take root.

 

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Opening Sequence

Doug:
Well, well, well … aftah seeing the first two scenes of Mothra — The Sequel, I think we may be looking at a summah blockbustah.

 

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Bill:
Seriously, since that one shaky inning in Tokyo in the Openah, the guy's been showing signs of turning into a total monstah this season.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, like retiring the final 13 hittahs he faced last night.

 

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Bill:
And with Paps returning to "vintage Papelbon," as he puts it himself, and with Beckett back, it's "See ya, wouldn't want to be ya!"

 

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Doug:
Or more appropriately, "Sayonara, your mothah's a whore-a!"

 

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Time's tide hasn't smothered us

Doug:
What a way to open the season — 2 games in Tokyo during predawn and continuing into the work morning and now a game in Oakland at 10:05 and then tomorrow a game in the aftahnoon while most everyone is still at work.

 

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Doug:
It's not hahd to imagine that many fans will only see a piece of each game and othahs won't see hahdly any at all.

 

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Al:
What a way to treat the fans of the defending World Series champs.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, thanks for nothing Selig.

 

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Mike:
Of course, it's a pretty good sign that the schedule is the worst we have to bitch and moan about.

 

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Doug:
Well, that and the fact that nearly everyone is picking the Sox to win the division again and many pundit crowning the '08 Sox as "the best team in baseball."

 

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Al:
Christ, with all this "team to beat" status are we fans in dangah of losing our identity again?

 

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Mike:
Yeah, how was that supposed to go again? That once the Red Sox won we'd no longhah feel special and nobody would care anymore?

 

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Doug:
Yeah and that we'd be unable to really "handle the terrifying prospect of success."

 

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Al:
But here we are aftah not one but two World Series wins same as we've evah been.

 

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Mike:
And anothah media leitmotiv goes down in flames.

 

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