Too sexy for this blog

Susan/Circle:
OMFG did that scrawny botoxed freak Jerry Jones payoff Victoria's Secret or what?

 

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Susan/Circle:
I mean Tony Romo as the Sexiest Male Athlete?!?!? You've got to be friggin' kidding me.

 

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Tara:
Really. Romo is cute, but sexy he is not.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Tony Romo is like the friend of your oldah brothah you make out with one day when your 16 years old just to establish a baseline for your bourgeoning sexual pussy powah.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Fercrissakes Tom Brady's empty fur-collared jacket hanging in the closet is sexier than Tony Romo.

 

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Tara:
And the irony is it's arguable whether Tom Brady is even the sexiest athlete in Boston.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Serioulsy. Hello Quadzilla!

 

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Tara:
And what about Mike MVP Lowell?

 

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Susan/Circle:
Oh, hell, yeah. One of my sweetest memories of the '07 Championship season is when I first saw me some shirtless Lowell man.

 

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Tara:
And Papelbon, sigh.

 

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Susan/Circle:
I confess that even the hillbilly Beckett awakens my innah magma.

 

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Tara:
Oh, girl, are you kidding me? When Beckett walks off the mound after striking out the side and gives the opposing bench one of his death stares, my ovaries burn like brimstone.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Yeah, bring those split fingahs ovah heah, Joshua, and I'll teach you a thing or two about blistahs.

 

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Skata-brained

Bill:
Well, it's finally friggin' ovah — Santana to the Mets and Jacoby Ellsbury stays in our mofo house!

 

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Doug:
Christ, now I can breathe and let my Spring Training bonah of expectation stand tall.

 

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Bill:
What a stupid deal though. Everyone waited months for that?

 

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Doug:
Seriously, as Gleeman says, "The end result of a bad situation handled poorly is a mediocre package of players that has no one excited."

 

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Bill:
And the to the fucking Mets? Poor Santana.

 

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Doug:
I know. The Mets are like a floatah in your kamode that refuses to be flushed.

 

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Doug:
You know, just hanging around the surface believing it's not really a turd at all and not realizing it's just some transient low density freak of nature that will in the end spiral down the maelstrom of oblivion in so many broken, waterlogged pieces.

 

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Bill:
Ah, so that's why they call it Flushing Meadows. I always wondahed …

 

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Minor deal

Mike:
So the Sox acquire RHP David Aardsma from the White Sox in exchange for RHP's Willy Mota and Miguel Socolovich.

 

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Doug:
Ah, one of those low cost, high potential moves.  Evidently the kid has show flashes of brilliance.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, but those flashes have become fewah and fewah.  ChiSox fans certainly didn't feel bad when he got sent down last year.

 

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Doug:
Gotta like a guy, though, whose nickname is "Crazy Eyes."

 

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Mike:
And who has a hot sistah.

 

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Doug:
But this is my fave: "Cubs fans have taken to using Aardsma's name in reference to a vulgah and uncommon act."

 

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Mike:
I don't get it.

 

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Doug:
Me neithah.  What do they mean by "uncommon"

 

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Long, sullen winter continues

Bill:
So according to Mazz, the Toronto Blue Jays are "the team to keep an eye on."

 

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Doug:
Wait a second, weren't the Blue Jays the so-called dahk horse last year, too?

 

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Bill:
Yeah, and the year before that and the year before that …

 

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Doug:
Hell, if they say it long enough, one of these years it may just end up being true.

 

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Bill:
Oh, and speaking of repetition, "a trade of Johan Santana is expected to occur within 10 days."

 

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Doug:
Ah, for fuck's sake. Trade him already. I'm sick of hearin' about it.

 

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Bill:
Seriously. On days like this I wish I were a bear — then I'd just crawl into a cave sometime aftah the wintah meetings and not come out again until the guys are playing catch in Fort Meyers.

 

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All hands, fire brands

Bill:
$218.3 million?! One can only hope that the Yankees continue to spend money like a drunken sailah on shore leave.

 

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Doug:
Hey, now, comparing the Yankees harebrained spending to a drunken sailah is totally unfair to the drunken sailah …

 

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Doug:
I mean when all is said in done, at least the drunken sailor wakes up the next day satiated and sticky and having gotten exactly what he set out for.

 

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Doug:
One can't say the same for the Yankees who are all money but no money shot.

 

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Bill:
Seriously. Could Theo Epstein have been any more prescient than when he said back in '03 that the Red Sox would nevah outspend the Yankees, but that they would do everything possible to outsmaht them?

 

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Doug:
Absolutely. That outsmahting business is working out quite well, isn't it?

 

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Bill:
I swear I'll nevah take it for granted how lucky we are to have the current editions of the Red Sox and Patriots, the two most brilliantly run organizations in the entiah world of sports.

 

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With glowing hearts we see thee rise

Bill:
So did you see the numbahs that got spit out of the Pinto's Lineup Analysis Tool for the 2008 Sox offense?

 

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Mike:
Gotta love it — "Even the worst lineup shows improvement over the 2007 runs per game."

 

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Bill:
Yeah, all the more reason to just keep things as they are and shy away from any big trades, especially any involving Ellsbury.

 

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Mike:
On the othah hand, you could look at those RPG numbahs and feel there is enough cushion to lose Ellsbury. You know the mantra, good pitching beats good hitting.

 

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Bill:
But we already have good pitching, and the thought of seeing Jacoby getting regular playing time makes me tingle.

 

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Mike:
Trust in Theo. Not trading will be the right thing to do. And trading will be the right thing to do. The pool or the pond.

 

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Bill:
My rational side agrees, but my emotional side wants to see more of those Jacoby going from first to home like a running wolf highlight films.

 

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Mike:
I won't argue that …

 

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Bill:
Hey, did you vote yet for The Joy of Sox in the 2007 Canadian Blog Awards?

 

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Mike:
Wait a second, I didn't even know they had the interwebs up there, let alone blog awards?

 

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Bill:
Hey, now, just because Canada is culturally irrelevant doesn't mean it isn't modern. Jeez.

 

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Mike:
You're right. And Canada did give the world Evangeline Lily. That counts for a lot.

 

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A man named Brady

Doug:
Ah, so the "protective boot" is no more.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, Brady probably looked down and thought, "What the fuck is this? I'm Tom Brady fercrissakes. Tom Brady doesn't wear a sissy boot."

 

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Doug:
Serioulsly. And then he looked at his ankle and gave it one of those Brady scowls and commanded, "Ankle, heal thyself!" And the ankle was healed.

 

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Mike:
So by Brady scowl" do you mean the sort of scowl he has in this pic?

 

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Doug:
" Yeah, absolutely. Don't you love it how even during supposed "fun" events like going clubbing with Gisele he still looks intensely pissed off?

 

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Mike:
And look how Gisele is walking a couple paces behind him — Nobody gets inside the pocket on Brady, not even his supahmodel girlfriend.

 

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Doug:
Tom Brady's very existence makes the world a bettah place.

 

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Castgate Begins

Bill:
OMG Tom Brady was seen wearing a foot cast!

 

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Doug:
C'mon, Tom, if I told you once I told you a hundred times — no kinky S&M role playing with Gisele until aftah the Supah Bowl.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, don't make us call in Wade "Fist of Velvet" Phillips to instill some QB discipline around here.

 

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Doug:
Speaking of, you think Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson will be heading down to Mexico to watch the Pats coronation?

 

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Bill:
Absolutely, and T.O. too. They've got nothing but time these days.

 

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Doug:
So back to baseball, did you hear that the Santana deal is still "alive"?

 

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Bill:
Yeah, I heard that The Deal was spotted in Argentina hanging out with Elvis and Jim Morrison.

 

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At times like this, it's hard not to be cocky.

Doug:
OK, so are you ready for two weeks of the Giants as king slayahs hype?

 

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Mike:
You mean like how because the Giants the first team in league history to win 10 consecutive road games in the same season they are somehow anointed?

 

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Al:
Yeah, and how they played the Pats so well in game 16 that they learned how to beat the Pats?

 

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Mike:
And how Eli Manning has "matured" and is now "poised" and has "so many weapons"?

 

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Doug:
All I know is it's going to feel especially warm and fuzzy for the 19th consecutive, perfect season, Lombardi hoisting win to come at the hands of a NY team.

 

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Al:
Absolutely. I actually have a soft spot for Green Bay and Favre. Flicking them away like the detritus of the 18 that came before would have made me bittahsweet for, you know, all of 5 seconds.

 

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Mike:
Poor New Yorkahs. First the Yankees dashed their hopes, and now the Giants.

 

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Al:
It's funny to tell kids that there was a time, way back, when New York teams actually won championships.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, and the look of disbelief on their little faces is so precious.

 

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Sorry, I have to lucubrate a bit.

Your omniscient author in absentia:
Sorry, folks, once again (and certainly not for the last time) my pay-the-bills job is requiring all my time and energy. I'll be back as soon as I can. — Hart

 

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Ichiban, bitches

Bill:
I love this line from Oki:

"It’s great that Japanese fans will get to see the No. 1 team in the world."

 

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Bill:
Numbah 1 team in the world, indeed.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, has a nice ring to it doesn't it?

 

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Bill:
This is the Red Sox Century.

 

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Mike:
Hey, now, haven't you heard? Sheehan predicts that Melky Cabrera is going to be among those who have a "break out" year in 2008.

 

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Bill:
Melky Milquetoast Cabrera? Are you friggin' kidding me?

 

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Mike:
Yeah, "Mr. I've nevah seen a pitch I'm not going to swing at."

 

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Bill:
You know what though? Let's say Sheehan's right and Melky gets Mighty …

 

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Bill:
I see your Melky and raise you one Jacoby.

 

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Mike:
Right on, bro.

 

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Not a sound from the pavement

Susan/Circle:
Is it me or is this like the slowest, most uneventful offseason evah?

 

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Mike:
Yeah, there's nothing. But I wondah if we just got spoiled by last season's Matsuzaka Madness?

 

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Susan/Circle:
Maybe. But all I know is when I look out the window, baseball seems like some othah world, like the fleeting memory of wondahful dream you try to hold onto upon waking in the morning.

 

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Mike:
And that's the great irony of this time of year … Although baseball is just around the cornah, it nevah seems so fah away as it does in January.

 

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30 days until pitchers and catchers

Bill:
Yeah, I agree the Patriots are awesome, indeed, the most awesomest evah, all I'm saying is I'm really looking forward to Spring and the return of the Red Sox.

 

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Bill:
What's that? A hypothetical question? Ok …

 

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Bill:
So your question is, "If I were given a chance to manipulate historic events, would I willingly sacrifice the Pats 19-0 season in exchange for a guaranteed Red Sox World Series victory in 2008?"

 

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Bill:
In a friggin' hahtbeat.

 

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Bill:
Whoa, calm down, dude.

 

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Bill:
Yes, yes, both are very much possible. And, yes, we fans deserve as much … But you asked the question.

 

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Bill:
And just because you don't like the answer, it doesn't make your question any less hypothetical.

 

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Bill:
No, I'm not going to apologize. Jeez.

 

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Jags will learn the truth at seventeen

Al:
Well, now that I can die in peace having seen the Red Sox win not one but two World Series in my lifetime, it only makes sense that when my own last out in the 9th comes, that I go out in style.

 

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Mike:
Seriously. Death shouldn't stop you from being a fan.

 

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Doug:
Any word on whether they'll be coming out with a pink version for the pink hattahs?

 

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Mike:
So are we all amped up for 17-0?

 

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Al:
Wait haven't you heard — the oh-so-physical Jaguars are "built" to beat the Pats.

 

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Mike:
Oh, right. And the Jags are exuding confidence.

Oooh, scary.

 

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Al:
Yeah, I guess the Jaguars have forgotten how tough Brady is and how he burns their asses.

 

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Doug:
Tom Brady is so focused he can sneeze with his eyes opened.

 

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Al:
When Tom Brady does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

 

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Mike:
Absolutely. And you know Tom Brady doesn't wear a watch; He decides what time it is.

 

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Doug:
Enjoy that fleeting confidence while you can, Jacksonville.

 

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Open Thread (sans new strip)

Your humble author:
I've got nothing today, but I know many of you like to have a daily spot to anchor the comments/community to, so here it is.

 

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We get signal!

OK, we are all disappointed Rice didn't get the HOF votes, and we still are certain Clemens is a lying turd, but, let's take a brief break from baseball …

Mike:
OK. Is it me or does this video of the Iranian speedboats totally friggin remind you of the All Your Base video?

 

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Doug:
Oh my blog! You're so right. The similarities are too much.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, when the Iranian dude says in that deep voice, "I am coming to you. You will explode." I so want to hear the Navy guy answer back, "Somebody set up us the bomb."

 

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Doug:
Someone totally needs to do a mashup on that.

 

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Mike:
You know, you've got to admiah those Iranians for their feistiness.

 

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Doug:
Seriously. Taking on 3 U.S. Navy ships in a couple of speedboats? That's rockin' it old school Persian style.

 

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Mike:
"We are in ur wake, scaring ur doods."

 

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Doug:
Ahmadinejad may be batshit crazy, but you've got to admit he's got style.

 

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Gravity's effect on falling rockets

Bill:
Somebody call Dr. Phil, we've got anothah celebrity crying for help.

 

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Doug:
Seriously, Clemens is now stooping to taping phone conversations and acting all batshit angry at his own pressahs?

 

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Bill:
I know what's next — is he going to shave his head and then take an umbrella and beat the hell out of McNamee's car with it?

 

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Doug:
Poor Clemens. At least Britney Spears had that Chris Crocker nutjob coming to her defense with his "Leave Britney Alone!" YouTube. But Rocket's got nothing.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, even his biggest fan Suzy Waldman has gone silent in his time of need.

 

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Doug:
What a sad day it is. And by "sad" I, of course, mean what a totally fantastic bit of karma that I'm enjoying immensely.

 

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Not even an angry one inch of respect

Al:
Did you see Clemens on 60 Minutes last night? Despite the way some othahs saw it, I thought he looked dirty.

 

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Al:
Not that I'm, you know, biased or anything.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, Rojah needs to call O.J. and get some tips on how to look innocent when guilty as sin.

 

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Doug:
I dunno maybe he already did. You hear that bit about wanting to take a lie detectah test? I mean is there anyone who doesn't think O.J. would breeze through a polygraph?

 

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Mike:
So next up for Mr. B12 - testifying before Congress.

 

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Al:
What I want to know is if Clemens gets caught lying to Congress, does that mean they can throw him into Gitmo.

 

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Doug:
Heh, so you want to take a lie detector test, eh, Mr Clemens? Well, say hello to the waterboard, tough guy.

 

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Neither new nor improved, but back for '08 and ready to bring it

Doug:
Christ, getting going after the holiday break is the hahdest thing evah.

 

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Bill:
Tell me about it. I'm ready to staht slugging me some of Youk's "Slump Bustah"

 

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Doug:
So how was your New Year's?

 

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Bill:
Well, I stahted to hit the sauce a bit early and by the time midnight was approaching, I was in a full out Irish stupah on the coach.

 

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Doug:
So you missed it?

 

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Bill:
Worse. Much worse … I awake to the sound of "Five …  Four! … Three! …  " and I open my groggy eyes and who do I see on the TV?

 

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Bill:
A-Rod and Carson Fucking Daly ringing in the New Year.

 

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Bill:
And A-Rod's in his Skankees cap and going on and fucking on about how much he loves New York and is so happy, happy, happy to be there.

 

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Bill:
My first thought was, "Holy shit, I've choked on my own vomit, died, and gone to Hell."

 

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Bill:
I mean is that an ominous staht to the 2008 or what?

 

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Doug:
Ah, no sweat dude. Let A-Rod have his January moment in the spotlight, because God knows he doesn't get any in Octobah.

 

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Doug:
Oh, and by the friggin' way, the Red Sox farm system is now ranked second in the major leagues.

 

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Bill:
And the Pats are 16-0 and Belichick is about to be near unanimously chosen for Coach of the Year honors.

 

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Doug:
So much for Spygate and how everyone hates  Belichick and the Pats, eh?

 

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Bill:
C'mon, what choice have people got? You can't ignore 16-0 coaching dominance.

 

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Doug:
To be fair, there is one area as a coach where Belichick is not the best.

 

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Bill:
Yeah? And what's that pray tell?

 

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Doug:
Well, when it comes to producing hotastic female progeny, Wade Phillips is in anothah league altogethah.

 

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Bill:
Ah, this is true. But, you know, considering the Patriots Genghis Khan like prepotency ovah all, it wouldn't surprise me one bit to see a tabloid headline tomorrow exclaiming "Tracy Phillips Pregnant with Tom Brady's Love Child!"

 

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Doug:
Yeah, and then Giselle challenges Tracy Phillips to a Jell-O wrestling match, winnah gets Tommy.

 

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Bill:
You know, I'm feeling much more, er, awake now than I was at the staht of this conversation.

 

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Doug:
Hell, yeah, you are.

 

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For the "teal dress"...

Rider on Green Line:
As you may have already heard, there was a tragic seven-alarm fire in South Boston on Monday night, New Year's Eve, that destroyed a five-story condominium complex.

 

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Rider on Green Line:
One of the regular readers and contributors to The Soxaholix, Natalie, happened to live in that condo complex and, as she writes,

"I have lost everything but my life and my dog and my purse …"

 

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Rider on Green Line:
In the spirit of the season and in the spirit of the Red Sox fan community, several other regulars to the site have set up a PayPal donation account with the modest aim of trying to replace some of Nat's Red Sox gear and paraphernalia.

Here's the button/link to donate:

[Thanks to all of you who donated to the cause. It was an enormous success! Natalie will be choosing her replacement Red Sox gear etc this week and we'll be giving her a check for the remainder.]

 

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Rider on Green Line:
More info in the comments to this post and via emailing Kaz (who led the charge in this).

 

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Rider on Green Line:
And whether you are able to donate or not, just take a moment to send good thoughts Natalie's way and take a moment to be thankful for what you have.  To lose one's possessions and one's home to fire or other disaster is truly dreadful. 

 

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