Caroling

Doug:
Do you hear what I hear?

 

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Bill:
Santana for Lestah, Bowden, Crisp, Lowrie, Frankincense and Myrrh?

 

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Bill:
Hello, Christmas friggin' morning!

 

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Doug:
Seriously. I'd hate to lose Lestah or any of the prospects, but Johan Santana?!?! Holy baby wrapped in swaddling clothing.

 

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Bill:
Said the Sox GM to the old Boss George,
You don't know what I know!

 

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Doug:
Said Theo to the Sox fans ev'rywhere,
We will have a dynasty!
Days of feasts Sox fans ev'rywhere,
We will have a dynasty!

 

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Slow

Lisa the Temp:
What can I say, peeps, it's slow around here.

 

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Lisa the Temp:
But look on the brightside — the less baseball news there is the less time you need to spend visiting baseball blogs and that means …

 

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Lisa the Temp:
The more time you can spend at YouPorn*.

[*NSFW]

 

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Lisa the Temp:
Oh, c'mon, peeps, Lisa wasn't born yesterday. I know all about the devil and your idle, hairy palmed hands.

 

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Oh, Caroline why?

Doug:
Say goodbye to the Dentist.

 

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Al:
Not a moment too soon if you ask me. Let's hope he takes Sox Appeal and Sweet Caroline with him.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, dude nevah met a PR scheme too tawdry to milk.

 

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Mike:
Hey, c'mon, you guys are being a bit too hahd on Steinberg.

 

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Mike:
His abilities in realizing the potential of idle resources was unequaled.

 

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Doug:
You mean idle resources like pink hats?

 

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Mike:
All of it. Those pink hat sales and all the rest went right into the revenue stream, every little bit played a role in both World Series wins.

 

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Al:
Cheapens the brand if you ask me.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, even at Fenway of all places it's more and more WWF Vegas stage show and less and less pure baseball.

 

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Al:
Absolutely. I'm old enough to remembah and relish a time when between innings there was no theme music, no gaudy spectacles to amuse the pink hats and their cell phone yapping boyfriends … There was just the sound of baseball.

 

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Mike:
The game is entertainment, and Steinberg knew that.

 

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Al:
Isn't, you know, baseball in Fenway enough entertainment in and of itself?

 

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Mike:
For a new generation of fans, the answer is no.

 

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Al:
To quote Brian Wilson, I guess I just wasn't made for these times.

 

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Doug:
Hey, Al, cheer up, at least The Dentist nevah went in for thundahsticks and white hankies.

 

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Al:
But his succesah might.

 

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Mike:
C'mon, Al, Good times nevah seemed so good. Wah-wah-wah.

 

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Out sick

Your omniscient author in absentia:
I picked up something that I'll euphemistically refer to as a "stomach thing," and, consequently, I'm not doing so well.

On the positive side, it's a quick way to drop a few extra pounds.

 

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Comfort food

Bill:
As full as I am from Thanksgiving, I can't resist metaphorically gorging myself on sweet morsels like this Jacoby Ellsbury returns home feel good piece in the Globe.

 

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Bill:
"… his first-grade teacher, wore his 6-year-old handprint over her heart, on the sweater her volunteer room mother had made as a Christmas present, little hands drawn everywhere."

 

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Mike:
Seriously, pass the treacle. Only an absolute cynic wouldn't get chocked up by a "kid makes it big from a town without even a movie theatre" story.

 

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Bill:
Love the Jaboby.

 

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Mike:
Are you kidding me. This kid is on pace to be one of the all-time fan favorites.

 

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Bill:
With that said, are you willing him to package him with someone other than othah than Buchholz and Lestah?

 

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Mike:
Dude, don't make me think on the Monday aftah a long weekend.

 

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Happy Thanksgiving!

Your omniscient author in absentia:
I'm heading out early for the Thanksgiving holiday and will return next week.

I hope all of you have a great holiday. God knows we have a lot to be thankful for this year!

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Turkey talk

We haven't much from our Yankees fan friends of late, but they are still out there nurturing their Mystique and Awe …

Unknown Yankees fan:
A-Rod back. Posada back. And now Mo's coming back.

 

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Marty:
The great offensive team remains intact, with the possibility of young arms ready to improve the pitching staff.

 

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Say hello to the 2008 AL East Divisional Champs.

 

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Marty:
Time to grind these upstart Red Sux under the heel of our boots.

 

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Big Tent

Al:
Anothah year, anothah ticket price increase.

 

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Doug:
Pfft [snort]

 

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Mike:
Ah, don't mind him Al. Doug's a Rethuglican, remembah, so he doesn't care about poor people

 

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Doug:
Man, you Taxachusetts liberals crack me up.

 

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Doug:
The Red Sox respond not only to the most basic laws of economics, supply and demand, but also respond to the competitive reality of playing in the AL East by raising ticket prices and it's all "Whaa whaa whaa."

 

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Doug:
But you same guys practically tear a rotatah cuff reaching for a pen to sign ovah more of your paycheck when Teddy Kennedy and his Big Government cronies come knocking with a tax increase to fund yet anothah boondoggle.

 

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Mike:
Oh, right, and your Neocon wars aren't supplied on the backs of the taxpayahs but are instead funded by scraping the gold off the gilded turds Dick Cheney shits out 3 times a day.

 

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Doug:
I can't wait to hear how your tune is going to change once Frau Clinton is the CinC.

 

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Mike:
Puh-leez.

 

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Al:
Hey, guys, do you think we can turn this creepy corner back to, I dunno, baseball or porn or something?

 

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Mike:
Seriously. Let's stick to what unites us.

 

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Doug:
You mean something like this?

 

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Doug:
Jee-tah Suh-ucks.
Clap. Clap.
Clap.Clap.Clap.

 

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Mike:
Righteous, bro.

 

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It's a nice day

Al:
Cafahdo's right. Yestahday was a rotten day for Red Sox fans.

 

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Mike:
Lowell playing first for the Yankees? Jeez.

 

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Doug:
Ah, Christ, would you two buck up a bit? We just won the World Series or haven't your heard? These are the good times.

 

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Al:
What the idea of Yankees having A-Rod and Lowell at the cornahs doesn't piss you off?

 

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Doug:
Look, dude, it wasn't so long ago that we were the team trying to pick up the Bernie Williamses and the other formah Yankees. Now that the situation is reversed, I find it amusing.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, but what bothahs me about the possibility of the Yankees signing both A-Rod and Lowell is it doesn't cost them any prospects, just dollahs, so they are still in the running for a Santana.

 

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Doug:
Whatev. All I know is that every year the Yankees have some secret weapon, some wheel and deal strategy that will finally put them over the top — A-Rod, Randy Johnson, Damon, etc., and who can forget Suzy Waldman practically lactating ovah the news that Rogah Clemens was coming to the Yankees to save the '07 season?

 

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Doug:
But how'd all that work out?

 

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Al:
He's got a point.

 

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Doug:
Damn right I do. And, look, it's not like while all this is going on Theo is sitting in his office watching two girls and a cup.

 

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Al:
Seriously, for all we know Theo this is all part of some deepah strategy by the Red Sox front office.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, Theo is like chess mastah Kasparov, thinking 3-4 moves ahead.

 

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Doug:
And the Yankees are like Bobby Fisher — Once the best in the world but now frothing at the mouth and totally FUBAR.

 

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Lisa's Inbox

Lisa the Temp:
Hello, peeps, Lisa here and it's time to answer a few from my fans.

 

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Lisa the Temp:
"Dear Lisa,
Are you ever going to take off your jacket? Isn't it uncomfortable to be so bound up all day? Signed Burt in Bangor."

 

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Lisa the Temp:
Burt, thanks so much for your concern. And, yes, at times I do feel confined.

But here's the deal, Burt. The last time I took off my jacket the HR department threatened to send me home citing that I was a "distraction." What can I say, peeps?

 

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Lisa the Temp:
Ok, here's a question from Kevin in Newton.

"Dear Lisa,
Do you workout?"

 

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Lisa the Temp:
Ah, Kev, is the Pope a Nazi?

 

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Lisa the Temp:
Yes, I work out. In fact, some of the things I do with a Cybex machine are illegal in certain parts of the South.

 

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Lisa the Temp:
Oh, my. Look at the time. That's it for today, peeps, until …

 

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Fresh fruit for rotting vegetables

Doug:
I think it's time we begin preparations for whatevah rituals comfort us in saying goodbye to Mike Lowell.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, if he wanted the Sox 3 year offah he would have taken it already. Instead, he wants to see what's out there.

 

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Doug:
And with the Yankees offering Posada 4 years, he knows what's out there.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, you may not be getting any more World Series rings, but you will get a long contract from the, er, less strategically thinking teams.

 

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Doug:
You know as dumb as some of the Yankees signings have been in recent years [cough, Johnny Damon cough], this one with Posada still floors me.

 

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Bill:
But Yankees fans are lovin' it. What declining fruit bat have they been seeing the past few seasons? But whatev, I'm happy to see them make these kinds of deals, too.

 

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Doug:
Remembah when Theo took ovah as GM and he talked about not outspending but the Yankees but outsmahting them instead?

 

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Doug:
Well, "Operation Mensa" proceeds apace.

 

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Bill:
And, you know, if Lowell does decide to go elsewhere for a more years, who are we to judge or begrudge a growing evah longah in the tooth ballplayah for sacrificing the WS bling in favah of an extra year or two contract cushion?

 

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Doug:
Seriously, just ask any Yankees fan and they'll tell ya — Who needs to win in the present when you can bask in the dim glow of the past?

 

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Bill:
Oh-For-This
Cent'ry.
Clap Clap
ClapClapClap.

 

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Working holiday

Mike:
Ah, yes, welcome to slow days of the offseason when the Globe runs Red Sox stories with the lede "wives and girlfriends spilled the beans on the bad habits of their ballplayers"

 

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Al:
Yeah, and I'm news stahved enough to read it only to find that the said "spilled beans" consist merely of milquetoasty tidbits like how Jacoby Ellsbury lives out of a suitcase and Youks leaves empty water bottles all ovah the house.

 

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Al:
Those are some real wild and crazy guys.

 

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Mike:
Well, it is a family paper. What did you expect to read, how Youks likes to donkey punch Mrs. Youks-to-be or something?

 

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Al:
Hey, don't you judge me or my perversions.

 

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Doug:
If you two girls are done, I'd like to turn our attention to something more serious, notably Veterans Day.

 

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Mike:
Good point. A tip of the cap to all the Vets for whom we have much gratitude.

 

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Al:
Seriously, without their sacrifices, we wouldn't even be inhabiting this creepy little cornah of the world.

 

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Doug:
You evah serve, Al?

 

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Al:
Me, nah. The closest I've evah been to combat is when my ma would drag me to the $10 Dress Sale at Filene's Basement.

 

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Doug:
Ah, you must have loved that. I hated my mothah's shopping forced mahch.

 

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Al:
Actually, yeah, I liked to go.

 

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Doug:
You're shitting me, dude.

 

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Al:
Look, this was old-school Filene's Basement in the 70s … Picture it, a couple hundred batshit crazy women oblivious to everything except the hunt for dresses and no fitting rooms!

 

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Al:
It'd take my 12-year old brain a couple weeks to process all the T&A I'd see up front and personal from those annual Basement trips.

 

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No strip today (11.09.07).

Stove is heating

Steve:
Ellsbury and Buchholz or Lester for Miguel Cabrera?

 

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Bill:
In a friggin' hahtbeat.

 

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Steve:
Really? Even aftah seeing how Ellsbury performed in the playoffs and Buchholz no-hitter and Lester stepping up in the World Series.

 

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Bill:
Yep. Cabrera's 4 full seasons of MLB experience and the numbahs he's put up trump the promise and potential of any prospects in the system.

 

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Steve:
I dunno, I love watching Ellsbury.

 

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Bill:
Oh, me too, but look — this is Majah League Baseball not High School Musical 2. The assembled rostah needs to be about winning. And only about winning.

 

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Steve:
Jeez, when did you become such cold-hearted bastard.

 

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Bill:
Ah, you know, I blame Belichick. When you have your opponent by the neck, you don't walk away until you hear the vertebrae snap.

 

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Funny how things turn out

Doug:
Funny how we don't hear much yapping from Johnny Damon these days, isn't it?

 

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Mike:
Yeah, no "I love New York, Michelle loves New York and New York loves us!" soundbites.

 

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Doug:
No "They [Red Sox] made a mistake breaking up the '04 team." assured declarations.

 

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Mike:
Memo to Johnny: Don't change horses midstream.

 

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Doug:
Especially if you're getting off a Spanish Mustang in favah of a swayback caht horse.

 

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Mike:
Poor Johnny.  He kept hearing "Come to the Yankees for a trophy!"

 

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Mike:
But what they were really saying was, "Come to the Yankees for atrophy"

 

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Hiatus? We don't need no stinkin' hiatus

Being of hardy New England stock, I should have known the Puritan work ethic would kick in and prove difficult to ignore … So where were we last?

Mike:
Wow, so Schilling is staying and Lowell as well?

 

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Mike:
Aftah the deep cull the front office made aftah the last World Championship, I didn't see this coming.

 

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Bill:
Seriously. Just when you think you've got the Red Sox figured out, they throw you a gyro.

 

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Mike:
I couldn't be happiah.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, all this and it seems our fears of seeing A-Rod on the rostah were totally unfounded.

 

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Mike:
We really should have gone with the Occam's razor approach on where A-Rod would head.

 

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Bill:
The simplest solution tends to be the right one? How so?

 

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Mike:
When you remembah that the uni has to match the lips on the color wheel, Dodger blue is a no-brainah for Slappy McBluelips.

 

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Bill:
Ah, yes, it's chromatically judicious!

 

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A little R&R for the Soxaholix gang

Lisa the Temp:
OK, peeps, Lisa the Temp is here with the news.

 

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Lisa the Temp:
As mentioned previously in this space, The Soxaholix are going on a temporary reduced schedule during the first part of the offseason.

 

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Lisa the Temp:
Bill (fat drunk), Mike (never trust a dude who doesn't make eye contact, people), Doug (#1 Masshole creep), and the rest (and by the rest I mean you Susan, the Boarding School Bee-tach) will appear weekly, on Fridays I've been told and with "greater frequency should big news develop".

 

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Lisa the Temp:
Whatever the fuck that means.

 

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Lisa the Temp:
Well, that's it. Move along now. Lisa's got important volunteer political work to do.

 

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Life's a ball

Bill:
Holy shit, Ballgate 2? You've gotta be kidding me.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, but how symbolic is it that the first Ballgate was due to everybody wanting the ball, but the current Ballgate is due to indifference.

 

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Bill:
Really. Even the Hall didn't want this ball. No surprise it got lost in the shuffle.

 

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Bill:
You know, I could get used to this so-called "jaded" feeling.

 

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Doug:
Personally, I go out of my way to accentuate the jade just because I know it pisses off Yankees fan so much.

 

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