Taking one (or more) for the team

You've got to wonder if the Red Sox players and management have any sense, any sense at all of what their fans have to endure after a series like that?

Marty:
[Singing to the tune of "Twinkle, Twinkle"]

Dwindle, dwindle, 8 game lead,/ Here come Yankees do take heed,

 

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Marty:
Red Sux prowess such a lie,/ Dwindle, dwindle 8 game lead/ Here come Yankees do take heed.

 

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Bill:
Oh, isn't that sweet, Mahty's learned to rhyme.

 

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Marty:
Ah, Bill, could you lift your feet so I can sweep the floor, it's covered with the dust of so many broken dreams.

 

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Bill:
While you've got your broom out, Mahts, don't forget to sweep undah the rug the fact that you're still 5 games in arrears.

 

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Marty:
Hey, Bill, here's another lullabye for ya …

 

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Marty:
Rock-a-bye, Red Sox, history's flops,/ When Yankees sweep the standings will rock,/ When the lead shrinks, the "Faithful" will bawl,/ And down will come Red Sox, losers they're called.

 

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We must not allow a mine-shaft gap!

Mike:
Why-oh-why can't Francona evah use the bullpen when are tied or behind but still very much in the game?

 

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Al:
Well, look at this way. Now the bullpen will be totally rested for that all-important weekend series with the Orioles. Heh.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, well, I'm not even sure of that. Something tells me they'll be getting worked today aftah the Yankees tee off early and often on Schilling's 88mph fastball.

 

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Doug:
Holy crap, will you two just listen to yourselves? Chill, dudes.

 

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Doug:
The way I see it is this — Being many games ahead in the standings is like having nuclear weapons. What good are they if you're not willing to toss a few?

 

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Mike:
That's a creepy metaphor … a really twisted form of optimism.

 

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Al:
Can you even call that optimism? It's more like a complacent fatalism.

 

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Doug:
Hey, don't you judge me. I'm coping just fine ovah heah unlike you two Nervous Nellies.

 

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Between the pit of Man's fears, and the summit of his knowledge

Susan/Circle:
[Sigh] Just when I thought I was totally ovah Johnny Damon, having not thought of him in months, poof, there he is with a 2 run, game-winnah.

 

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Mike:
Despite the anguish his homah brought to my Red Sox haht, I know at some level that this is exactly why the rivalry is the rivalry that it is.

 

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Susan/Circle:
So Manny Ramirez left the game with spasms … So should we staht the clock to see how long it is befoah we get the first "he quit on the team with a 'phantom' injury" story from Shaughnessy?

 

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Mike:
Oh, I'm sure there's already a draft on the CHB's hahd drive just waiting to be submitted. He'll sit back and wait to see if the Red Sox fortunes to turn sour first.

 

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Susan/Circle:
I can't believe that in Shaughnessy's piece today he missed the chance to note the following:

Today, August 29, 2007, the Yankees trail the Red Sox by 7 games, and on August 29, 1978 the Yankees trailed the Red Sox by, wait for it, 7 games … Doo doo doodoo doo doo doodoo

 

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Mike:
Seriously, that's just the kind of historicity that gives Shaughnessy the wood.

 

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Tap 3 times ...

Bill:
So it looks like the hype amplifiah for a Red Sox v Yankees meeting has finally been turned down from 11 … I haven't evah been this complacent going into the Bronx.

 

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Mike:
Seriously, I'm happiah than a Senatah getting serviced in public restroom.

 

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Bill:
OK. So here's a question for ya — Why is it always the morality pahty that gets caught, literally, with their pants down?

 

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Mike:
I know. It's like "Excuse me Senator Family Values, but befoah you launch into a tirade about the eeevils of homosexuality could you please take your hand off my penis?"

 

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Bill:
How about his excuse? "I have a wide stance when going to the bathroom and that his foot may have touched mine."

 

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Mike:
Holy shit, I haven't heard an excuse that lame since A-Rod tried to explain his ball slap move in the ALCS.

 

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Bill:
Heh, you think Sen. Craig has a "dropping the shouldah move"?

 

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We are so in phase

Bill:
The Red Sox sure picked an opportune time to get hot — scoring double-digit runs in four straight games for the first time since 1950.

 

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Doug:
I'm in the most unusual circumstance of having nothing to bitch about.

 

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Doug:
Think about it. A week ago we led the division by four, a week latah, we've essentially doubled it.

 

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Bill:
Did you see Ozzie Guillen's post-sweep comment? "They swept us this time [but] I swept them in the big one. That's when it counts."

 

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Doug:
Shit, that Kung Fu is so weak.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, Ozzie should stick to what he does best, insulting the gays.

 

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Doug:
So even though this Yankees series has lost much of its drama in the last couple days, you've gotta love the pitching matchups …

 

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Bill:
Absolutely. Andy Pettitte against Matsuzaka in the opener, Clemens vs. Beckett Wednesday night, and Everybody Wang Chung vs. Tampa Bay Schill Thursday afternoon.

 

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Doug:
I bet your Yankees fan pal, Mahty, is wetting his pants right about now.

 

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Bill:
Naw, you kidding me, you know how delusional Yankees fans can be … He's probably thinking this is the perfect setup for a dramatic "Mystique and Aura" exculpation.

 

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Work hard in the morning, so you can stream in the afternoon (2:05pm makeup)

Due to the postponement of last night's game, I'm giving the regular Soxaholix the day off and leaving the strip in the hands of everyone's favorite temptress Lisa …

Lisa the Temp:
Long time, peeps!

 

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Lisa the Temp:
Did you think Lisa was mad at you for not gifting her a new iPhone as thanks for all of her tempy duties?

 

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Lisa the Temp:
No worries. Lisa knows you are all savvy power user who'd never foist an inherently flawed 1^st generation product on her but instead will wait to bestow a much improved 2G version.

 

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Lisa the Temp:
OK, back to the grindstone … so much interwebs so little time.

 

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Lisa the Temp:
Speaking of, did you hear Mark Cuban said the internet is "dead and boring"?

 

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Lisa the Temp:
I think he was totally misquoted and really wasn't referring to the internet as dead and boring but was instead speaking to the play of his NBA team in the playoffs year after year.

 

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Hair of the Devil Ray that bit you

Bill:
Christ I've got one of those hangovahs that only losing to the Devil Rays can bring on.

 

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Doug:
Can you believe frickin Tampa has beaten Matsuzaka 3 times this year?!

 

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Bill:
Oh, my aching head … Dice-K gets no run support at all.

 

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Doug:
Speaking of support, I hope QB Brady has his routing numbahs ready … There's going to be some serious monthly withdrawals from his bank account the next 18 years.

 

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Bill:
Is it me or does it seem like Bridget Moynahan has been gestating that fetus for like 3 years now?

 

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Doug:
Hey, do you think Brady ate the placenta?

 

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Bill:
For crissakes, Doug, are you trying to make me dry heave ovah heah or what you gross bastid?

 

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Doug:
C'mon that muttahkuchen is loaded with nutrition. I mean eithah you're doing everything you can to make anothah Supah Bowl run or you're not. Know what I'm sayin'?

 

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Beency-bouncy burger meat

Doug:
Well, well, well, Curt Schilling fancies himself a Devil Ray now does he?

 

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Mike:
Heh. If that evah happens it'll be interesting to see what turns out to be the more difficult task: Silencing 60 thousand Yankees fans in The Stadium or amplifying all 250 Devil Ray's fans in the Tropicana.

 

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Doug:
So what about Papelbon, eh? The first Red Sox pitcher to have at least 30 saves in two seasons.

 

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Mike:
And how awesome is it that he has a new pitch that he's calling "The Sluttah." Can't wait to hear Tim McCavah say that on air.

 

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Doug:
Meanwhile, did you hear Mussina has a new off speed pitch he's calling "the lingonberry"?

 

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Mike:
The lingonberry?

 

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Doug:
Yeah, they are the perfect complement to the meatballs he's been serving.

 

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Descartes, Leibniz, and Spinoza walk into a bar...

Mike:
I don't know what is more surprising — The offense finally getting to Kazmir or that Timmah is now 9-0 with three saves at Tropicana Field with a 2.16 ERA.

 

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Doug:
And how about the Yankees suffahring a nut wrenching extra inning loss? Things are looking good again.

 

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Al:
C'mon now, fellahs, let's not be like buoys floating on the daily tide of emotions following a win or a loss … Remembah there are only two kinds of truths: truth of reasoning and truths of fact.

 

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Doug:
What the fuck are talking about, Willis?

 

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Al:
The way things have been going, I just thought we could use a healthy dose of rationalism around this place, so I'm quoting a little Leibniz, last of the great Rationalists.

 

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Doug:
OK, listen up. You want to know what is irrational and unbelievable? Yestahday I walk around all day uttahring my "recalling the pleasing melody of a rusty trombone" line and I get nothing. No snickahs, no smiles, nothing but a wall of blank faces.

 

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Doug:
What is everyone in this place so pussy whipped by the H.R. depahtment that you can no longah acknowledge scatalogical-based sexual humah?

 

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Doug:
Cogito ergo sum, bitches!

 

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Mike:
Righteous, bro.

 

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Hold tight wait 'til the party's over

Doug:
Christ am I evah glad I self-mandated that I wouldn't panic unti the lead was cut to 3 …

 

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Doug:
Now instead of worrying about the Red Sox, I can go about my day recalling the pleasing melody of a rusty trombone.

 

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Mike:
Hey, why panic in any case?  As Francona says, "We didn't win the game, but we didn't go through our bullpen."

 

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Doug:
Ah, yes, the Francona Doctrine: Why win today, when you can win tomorrow, or the day aftah that?

 

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Doug:
Imagine if Terry Francona was a fiahman … "Jeez, folks, I'm sorry as all hell we got here too late to save your family home and all, but look at it this way: we didn't waste any water trying to put it out."

 

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The calendar, on your wall, is ticking the days off

Mike:
Are you ready for Clay Buchholz day!?

 

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Bill:
Hold on a sec, kid. Not to take anything away from potential phenom Buchholz, but today still belongs to Tony C.

 

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Mike:
Wow, yeah, you're right. I was too young for the Tony C. era, but I tell you what, that Sports Illustrated covah has spooked me since I first saw it.

 

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Bill:
As Bob Ryan writes, "Conigliaro was not just a good Red Sox player. He was family. He was living the ultimate dream of every baseball-loving kid in Greater Boston."

 

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Bill:
Tony C is the greatest of all "What-Ifs?" in Boston sports history.

 

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Bill:
40 years ago on Friday, August, 18th, we lost Tony C. on the midst of what was to be a phenomal baseball careah … Here's to hoping Clay Buchholz is about to step into his own golden glow.

 

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I vant to suck your blood

Bill:
Losing to Tampa Bay in general is the suck. But rallying and getting so close only to still lose to Tampa is a ball bustah.

 

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Doug:
Is, isn't it?

 

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Bill:
1 of 3 against the Orioles and 2 of 3 from the Rays doesn't help me relax any … I know I should drink from the "it's gonna be fine" kool-aid, but I just can't seem to swallow it.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, well, being confident about the Red Sox is like being confident about NASA, you know.

 

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Doug:
I mean if I'm up on that heap of a shuttle with a gash in the heat panels and NASA says the damage "poses no danger to crew" I'm gonna be like "Can I get a friggin second opinion on that ovah heah?"

 

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Bill:
But at least the Yankees aren't gaining any ground.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, with luck Torre the Grim Reaper will continue his relievah death mahch.

 

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Bill:
Seriously. Despite his preseason promise to not use Rivera more than one inning a game, he's done just that 9 times this season and, well, I think we are seeing how that's working out.

 

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Doug:
Gotta love Joe. I shuddah to think how 2004 might have played out differently had Count Torrecula not sucked every bit of life out of Tom Gordon going into the ALCS.

 

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Clocks are big, machines are heavy

In a group of office workers, a woman speaks:
No Soxaholix today. Dude says he's barely got time to piss, let alone encapsulate the day's Red Sox fan gestalt by way of clip art characters.

 

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The woman continues:
Yeah, I know, right, what a friggin' whinah.

 

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These are things we know that we know.

Mike:
Ol' Timmah was on fiah last night, huh?

 

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Doug:
Yeah, if only it were repeatable. I mean next time out, it's just as likely the knucklah will go from hummingbird to pidgeon.

 

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Doug:
Meanwhile, pop quiz … Why was the Sox experiment with a "closer by committee" abandoned?

 

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Mike:
Because while in theory it seemed like a great idea, in practice it failed miserably.

 

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Doug:
And why was that?

 

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Mike:
Are you shitting me? Everyone knows why. Because in theory you should be able to put a relievah in for the 7th or 8th or 9th interchangeable and varyingly from day to day …

 

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Mike:
But, as it turns out, relief pitchers are in fact men and not robots so it doesn't work that way. The mental aspect of pitching in the 8th is different than that of closing in the 9th.

 

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Doug:
Absolutely. So I know that, you know that, even the guy running the ferris wheel at Canobie Lake Pahk knows that, but evi-fucking-dently, the Red Sox hadn't a friggin' clue.

 

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Only the palm is rosy these days

Bill:
Well, you know what they say: "If back the first week of April a fortune tellah had told you the Sox would have a 4 game lead ovah the Yankees on the morning of August 13th, you'd have claimed she was a fraud and asked for your money back."

 

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Doug:
True. But if the same turban-wearing gypsy had gone on to predict, "But the 4-game lead will be as tenuous as a Lindsey Lohan sobriety because the hottest team in baseball NY Yankees are seemingly unstoppable and gaining ground …" I'd have been all "O Great Soothsayer you really can foresee the future!"

 

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Doug:
And I'd then be giving her my palm and asking her to check out my lifeline.

 

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Bill:
And she, of course, would then have to break the bad news: "I'm sorry, sir, I can't read your palm, what with all the hair and all."

 

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Doug:
Heh. Well, unlike the Red Sox at least the Cult of Onan, , rarely if evah disappoints.

 

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Sometimes an expected or predictable narrative is just fine

Two guys walking, tall guy speaks:
You know baseball intellectuals have written that one reason we love baseball so much is that from its narrative of rules, structure, and repetition springs forth a fresh and hitherto-unforseen occurrence or meaning …

 

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Two guys walking, tall guy speaks:
But you know there are some "Holy fuck I didn't see that coming!" occurrences that  I could really do without.

 

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Two guys walking, no words exchanged:

 

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Two guys walking, short guy speaks:
Gagne says, "I'm not doing my job right now." Jeez, you think?

 

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Struck out looking

Your omniscient author in absentia:
Sorry, I've started 3 different strips this morning and they've all 3 fallen flat and been unsuitable for putting in front of you.  I can't even come up with anything for Lisa the Temp. So I'm going to sit today out.   

Here's to hoping the Sox can make hay during this upcoming "cushy" stretch of the schedule.

 

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I just flew back LA and boy are my arms tired

Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
Amazing how much bettah the day is aftah a Red Sox win and a Yankees loss, eh Mr. Roy?.

 

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Doug:
Absolutely. But does it evah bothah you, Ahtie, that our day to day happiness is so tied the Red Sox fortunes?

 

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Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
Ah, you know, free will is way the frig ovahrated.

 

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Doug:
I Kant argue with that.

 

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Doug:
So how goes the Tofu Pup sales?

 

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Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
Fantastic. The Buddhist's love 'em.

 

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Doug:
No shit? …

 

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Doug:
So how do the ol' dharma bums take their pups?

 

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Arturo, the hot dog vendor:
Well, you know, with the Buddhists it's always the same request, "Make me one with everything."

 

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They were against sending the runner home before they were for it.

Doug:
OK. That's it. No more watching 10pm staht West Coast games for me this season.

 

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Doug:
I mean it's bad enough to get to bed late, but it's even worse to then toss and turn as your mind plays a repeated loop of Wily "Why Is He Still Here?" Pena lumbahrin' around in the outfield.

 

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Mike:
Hey, on the bright side, at least they are, you know, "playing like a team," because just about everyone was in on the ineptitude last night …

 

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Mike:
Coco's rainbow to home, Wakefield's walking the leadoff man after being handed the lead, Lugo's stumbling over his own feet and botching a double-play ball for the second straight nigh …

 

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Doug:
Manny again thinking the the purpose of the cutoff man is to have a tahget to throw ovah … Youkilis's bobble a ball and then Manny Delcarmen's inability to field any ball …

 

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Al:
Don't forget DeMarlo Hale waving Mike Lowell home.

 

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Doug:
Jesus Christ what the hell is up with the Red Sox and 3rd base coaches?

 

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Mike:
Wendell Kim, Dale Sveum, and now DeMarlo Hale. It's a friggin revolving door of incompetents.

 

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Doug:
Seriously. And ff I wanted to watch nincompoops masquerading as professionals I'd be watching CSPAN and not NESN.

 

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Al:
Meanwhile, a few weeks ago people were saying the Yankees just need to make up a game a week to catch the Red Sox … Well, gaining a game every fucking day will work too.

 

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Doug:
I swear on the baby Jesus that I will not panic-panic until the lead is only 3.

 

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Frickin Frikadellen

Bill:
So Schilling says he'd have been fine if it wasn't for a couple of "hanging slidahs" … Hmmm, I think I've heard that somewhere before.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, same story, different day. Schill could have "easily shut those guys out" if it weren't for, you know, a couple o'bad pitches.

 

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Bill:
He's stahting to remind me of the bad guys on Scobby Doo who could have gotten away with it all if it weren't for those meddling kids.

 

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Mike:
Well, at least when Schilling retiahs he's got a job waiting for him at the Food Network called "101 Ways to Serve Up Meatballs."

 

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Bill:
Of course, we joke because we love. Overall it was a positive return to the rotation.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, he's gonna be fine.

 

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Bill:
So what is this so-called "magic word" that Manny uttered not once but twice to get himself tossed?

 

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Mike:
Rosebud.

 

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da-DUM da-DUM da-DUM da-DUM

Doug:
Note to self: When on a beach vacation do not, repeat, do not watch "Shahk Week" on Discovery.

 

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Mike:
Heh. Galeophobia is ruining your friggin summah!

 

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Doug:
Seriously. But what the fuck, bettah shahks than the Red Sox giving me nightmares.

 

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Doug:
Go on vacation with Sox up by 7 and return from vacation with the Sox up by 7. This I like.

 

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Mike:
Absolutely. Winnahs of 5 straight series since the I'd-rather-not-mention dropping of 3 straight to the Royals … 3 out of 4 from the White Sox and Indians, 2 of 3 over the Devil Rays, Orioles, and the Marinahs.

 

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Doug:
And tonight we get a sense of what Schilling's got for us in the final 8 weeks.

 

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Mike:
As Schilling goes, so go the Red Sox.

 

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Summer Vacation '07 - Day 5

While the Soxaholix rest easy on vacation, there is no easy rest for others …

Unknown Yankees fan:
Clemens had his worst inning at Yankee Stadium in 20 years …

 

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Marty:
And the King of Baseball Owners "doesn't look all right. In fact, he looks dreadful."

 

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Unknown Yankees fan:
True hope is swift, and flies with swallow's wings.

 

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Summer Vacation '07 - Day 3

While on "vacation time," the Soxaholix are well behind the news cycle …

Unidentified Soxaholix character:
Eric Gagne! Eric Friggin' Mr. Magoo Glasses Gagne!?!?!

 

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Unidentified Soxaholix character:
The best bullpen in the Majahs just became the, er, bestestest.

 

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