Bring out the paw of a dead monkey

Doug:
Last night I had this recurring dream that I couldn't sleep. That is, the dream itself consisted of me tossing and turning in bed, totally insomniac.

 

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Doug:
So then when I woke up I couldn't tell if I was well-rested or exhausted.

 

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Bill:
Let me guess, you watched that Red Sox game last night? That's enough to give anyone effed up dreams.

 

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Doug:
Seriously, it's like going to bed after gorging yourself on chicken vindaloo at the late night Indian buffet.

 

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Bill:
I feel like I'm going to rupshah my right nut from frustration ovah these guys — 1 for 13 with runners in scoring position and to two runs or fewer for the seventh time in the last nine games? What the hell?

 

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Doug:
A 14½ game lead now down to 7½ with nothing but wishful thinking on our pahts to foresee a reversal of fortunes.

 

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Bill:
What the frig was Theo thinking? Drew is offensively useless. Crisp? Useless. Lugo? OMFG as useless at tits on a bull as Granny Callaghan used to say.

 

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Doug:
If nothing else, it's time to Free Wily fercrissakes. Play him or trade but puhleeze do something othah than just waste his potential by sitting him on the bench.

 

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Bill:
Absolutely. At this point, I don't care how abysmal his defense is. A miraculous highlight-worthy diving catch isn't going to make much difference when you're getting blown out like an enema, 7-1, 12-2, by other clubs because the Sox bats are anesthetized.

 

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Doug:
So here's to hoping Batshit Tavarez is the talisman that tonight stirs up the return of the Red Sox we were watching in May.

 

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Suffer the children

Unknown Yankees fan:
Has an 8½ game deficit ever seemed so inconsequential?

 

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Marty:
The Yankees are like Ceasar on the north bank of the Rubicon — Alea iacta est.

 

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Unknown Yankees fan:
If you listen closely to our own North, you can hear the worry beads clattering.

 

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Marty:
The spring meadow seemed so pleasant for grazing, now, scent of wolf in the air, the sheep are bunched and nervously hesitant.

 

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Unknown Yankees fan:
At times like these, I almost have a pitiful condolement for Red Sox fans. I mean, there but for the grace of God go I.

 

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Marty:
Reminds of the time when I was a kid, during the so-called "Impossible Dream" season, where even in Yankee leaning Greenwich a bit of Red Sox fever had taken hold … So I came home one day wearing a Red Sox cap.

 

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Marty:
I'll never forget the look of consternation in my dad's eyes when he saw me in it, "Son," he said, "we need to have a serious talk."

 

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Marty:
"You're old enough now to hear this, Martin," he continued gravely. "In life there are two types of people — winners and losers."

 

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Marty:
"And every decision you make in life, even the ones that seem inconsequential, like rooting for a ball club, all conjoin over time to point you toward an eventual outcome as a loser or as a winner."

 

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Marty:
"Now, son," my dad asked with all earnestness, "which do you want to be? The choice is yours."

 

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Marty:
And so ended my brief exposure to the sad malady of always being on the wrong side of supremacy.

 

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Unknown Yankees fan:
Father knows best.

 

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Marty:
Indeed.

 

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See how the mainsail sets

Bill:
So I had this really crazy dream last night that the Red Sox made the incredibly radical move of altering the lineup.

 

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Mike:
No shit. It seems Terry Rip Van Winkle Francona awoke from his persistent coma at long last.

 

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Bill:
Unbelievable. And here I was thinking that having the worst leadoff OBP in all the majahs was some part of some diabolical managerial strategy that was just too sublime for mere fans to discern.

 

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Mike:
And don't look now, but the Yankees have stahted the bilge pumps and at last have their battahed and ageing hull back above the water line.

 

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Bill:
Ah, yes, on the good ship belly flop, the colors are fah from struck.

 

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Knuckle knock gnosis

Susan/Circle:
Is it me or is Manny's hair stylist Lmonstro staring a Tina Cervazio's rack during most of this segment?

 

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Mike:
"Hey, Lmonstro, I'm up here, dude."

 

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Susan/Circle:
So, the bright side to an off day is you get stories like this one about bullpen cop Billy Dunn and his fist touch routine with Paps.

 

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Mike:
Absolutely. That wins my feel good piece of the year so fah.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Yeah, despite their sports pages being cluttahed with detrital dips like the Shaunghnessy, it's pieces like this one that make me happy to pay for the Globe every morning.

 

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Mike:
And by "pay" you of course mean access for free on the interwebs.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Well, duh.

 

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Holding it in

Doug:
I know we just took 2 of 3 from the D-Backs and are still up by 9½ in the AL East, so why do I feel about as comfortable as Paris Hilton in a jail cell with a full bladdah?

 

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Mike:
Maybe it's the return of Francoma version 2.0?

 

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Mike:
Leaving Ortiz on the bench in the 9th? Jumpin Jeebuz.

 

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Doug:
And what the frig is up with putting the numbah 3 and numbah 5 worst hittahs in all of of baseball in the same lineup and batting them back-to-effin back?

 

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Mike:
You know we have the the lowest OBP out of the leadoff position in MLB, right?

 

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Doug:
Lugo and Crisp are black holes. And, you know, it's one thing to stick with guys when they are going through a slump, but Lugo and Crisp aren't slumping — They are what they are, terrible hittahs.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, a slump lasts a couple weeks, maybe a couple months in extreme cases, but these guys are now in in their 2nd years of hauling the lead bats.

 

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Doug:
I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah, we bitched about Francona's management back in 2004 and, chagrin, chagrin, the guy went on to lead us to the promise land, but that doesn't negate the frustration any less watching it now.

 

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Mike:
I know. It's like, OK, a 100 win club is still going to lose 62 so on and so forth, but why does Francona always seem to be working toward the 62?

 

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No, no-no, but still all smiles

Bill:
Cripes, did we need that game or what?

 

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Mike:
Tip o'the cap to Schill …

 

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Bill:
Yeah, too bad he had to shake off Tek on that 2 out in the bottom of the 9th pitch to Stewart.

 

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Mike:
Well, live by the blowhahdness, die by the blowhahdness. That's just Schilling being Schilling.

 

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Bill:
Seriously, I wouldn't be surprised if when Schilling is engaged in conversation with his personal savior, Jesus, he's obstinate the entiah time.

 

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Mike:
Meanwhile, here's something I don't get — if there's a fear of jinx about discussing a no-no while it's in progress, shouldn't that extend as well to the so-called "live blogging"? I'm looking at you Bob Bradford.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, and ESPN didn't do us any favahs eithah.

 

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Mike:
Meanwhile, the next time someone plays down the Yankees/Red Sox rivalry and insists it's only the fans who care, they need to be pointed to this:

"The Yankees watched the end of Schilling’s game in the clubhouse Thursday afternoon. When Shannon Stewart broke up the no-hitter, the room erupted in cheers, players bursting from their seats and shouting."

 

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Bill:
You've gotta love the universal Yankees fan and playah hatred for Curt Schilling.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, I think their animosity towards Schilling easily eclipses our own toward A-Fraud.

 

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Bill:
Of course it does! I mean their hatred is rooted in getting their asses whipped by The Bloody Sock, while our animus stems from the fact that A-Rod is an innefective, joculah, slappy blue-lipped putz.

 

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Mike:
Speaking of, looks like Alex has a new sleepovah buddy.

 

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Bill:
"I am pumped about this," said Rodriguez. Oh, I bet you ah, A-Rod, I bet you ah.

 

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Picnic, Lightning

And hitherto things had been going oh so swimmingly …

Mike:
Last night, the Sox lost their fourth game in a row, 3-2. It was their sixth loss in seven games and third straight this week to the A's.

 

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Susan/Circle:
It is possible to be struck by a meteor / or a single engine plane / while reading in a chair at home.

 

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Mike:
We are now on our longest skid since dropping six straight last August.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Safes drop from rooftops / and flatten the odd pedestrain.

 

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Mike:
They went 1-for-5 with runners in scoring position, stranded six men on base and bounced into three double plays one night aftah hitting into five.

 

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Susan/Circle:
At a picnic even, / a flash of summah lightning, / the thermos toppling over, / spilling out on the grass.

 

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Mike:
"Once we got to the West Coast, it was a different feeling," said David Ortiz.

 

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Susan/Circle:
The haht, no valentine, / decides to quit after lunch, / the powah shut off like a switch.

 

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Mike:
"Everything's just changed, the intensity, all kinds of stuff, it's not there."

 

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Susan/Circle:
The instant hand of death / always ready to burst forth / from the sleeve of his voluminous cloak.

 

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Burnt out

Lisa the Temp:
Oh, what's the matter, feeling a little West Coast hangover?

 

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Lisa the Temp:
Perhaps a few too many G.I.D.P. shots for your tired soxaholix livers to process?

 

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Lisa the Temp:
No fear, peeps, let Lisa put a smile in that cotton mouth this morning with a little joke …

 

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Lisa the Temp:
Q: How many Red Sox fans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Yankees Suck!

 

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For your consideration ...

… Somewhere on the Green Line a possibly sagacious and certainly loony (and, frankly, urine reeking) neerdowell likes to pose questions to nobody in particular …

Rider on Green Line:
So the Sox are 1 and 3 in June, is this the staht of the swoon?

 

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Rider on Green Line:
I did not get this from any book
I got this on trust and betrayal.

 

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Rider on Green Line:
I got this on trust
I got this on trust funds

 

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Rider on Green Line:
on loan
with interest

 

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Rider on Green Line:
Bwahahahaha

 

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These things take time

Steve:
I don't care if we are up 12½ games, dropping a series in Fenway to the Yankees is painful.

 

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Mike:
No kidding. I mean it's like losing to the Yankees and the Kansas City Royals at the same time. We're supposed to kick the crap outta the cellah dwellahs, you know.

 

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Steve:
Bottom line, though, I'd rather be us than them. They needed the sweep and didn't get it and still aren't even a .500 club.

 

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Mike:
What's more, we saw a side of this Red Sox team that is some ways is more important for the long haul than an extra win or two over the weekend … from Lowell's version of the "dropping the shouldah move" to Youks forsaking his 23-gam hitting streak to take 3 walks on Saddadee, these guys are all balls to wall.

 

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Steve:
Seriously. I've got a good feeling about the next 130 games before facing the Yankees again at the end of August.

 

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