Bill:
So did you hear the latest? The Yankees have given up on 2007.
Doug:
Good for them. Unlike Britney Speahs, the Yankees know when it's all ovah.
Doug:
Meanwhile, don't tell Paddy, but Theo Epstein remains one smaht mofo.
« May 2007 | Main | July 2007 »
Calling it quits (no, no, not us)
Posted on 2007.06.29 | Permalink | Comments (15)
Still the one
Susan/Circle:
Well, I'm so glad I waited until 10:30 to discovah that Kason Gabbard is to stahting pitching what Paris Hilton is to line drawing.
Tara:
Hey now, could be a whole lot worse …
Tara:
You be rooting for a team who lost for the sixth time in seven games and fell eight games behind in the wild-card and is betting on Scott "Walkaway Walkaway" Procter.
Susan/Circle:
Eww.
Tara:
And if you need more feel good, consider hitting coach Dave Magadan's prowess in turning around Coco's plate production.
Susan/Circle:
Jeez, aren't you little miss sunshine this morning!
Tara:
Well, give me a big, solid 10 in front and, yes, I'm feeling that love.
Posted on 2007.06.27 | Permalink | Comments (39)
All in all not a great start to the week
Mike:
And Batshit remains completely Batshit and that's why we call him Batshit.
Doug:
Meanwhile, the long-awaited storyline where Jon Lestah replaces Taverez in the rotation may nevah get written.
Doug:
And Schilling is fried and Buehrle ain't coming.
Mike:
No one said it'd be easy.
Doug:
Yeah, well, at least we can rest easy knowing that bunch of geezahs in robes know what the phrase "Bong Hits 4 Jesus" means, and that it specifically advocates illegal drug use.
Mike:
Any word yet from SCOTUS on the phrase "Bong Hits 4 Batshit"?
Posted on 2007.06.26 | Permalink | Comments (59)
On eloquence
Al:
The Red Sox are just so, I dunno, so eloquent right now... like a kite high in a day-at-the-beach blue sky.
Mike:
The Sox are eloquent and effortless, like a dog who sleeps all afternoon in a corner of the couch.
Doug:
Oh, are you guys friggin kidding me or what? C'mon, The Red Sox right now are eloquent, effortless, and full of purpose, like Salma Hayek's pregnant titties.
Mike:
Righteous, bro.
Al:
Seriously, Hayek's old rich dude has done a very good thing.
Posted on 2007.06.25 | Permalink | Comments (31)
Permanent Fixture
Mike:
Heh, so the Pheonix has named Shaughnessy "The Most Hated Man in Boston."
Bill:
Yeah, the "Seven things they hate about you" section is spot on.
Bill:
But my only complaint with the story is I think it's about 2-3 years out of date.
Mike:
How's that?
Bill:
Do people really hate Shaughnessy that much anymore? I mean who cares about him these days — the interwebs have won.
Bill:
Think about it: As near as I can tell the only people who are still influenced by anything the CHB writes are 1) The old schoolahs who still want to get ink on their hands when they take in the "news" and 2) the masochists who read Shaughnessy just to get their bile up.
Bill:
And the formah group is, well, dying, and the lattah group, while amusing, hold little sway in today's fan world.
Mike:
Well, then where does that leave us? We still read and discuss him from time to time.
Bill:
We don't count, of course, as we have no free will and are instead guided by the omnipotent whims of our authorial mastah.
Mike:
Oh, right, that. Jeez.
Bill:
Look, for evidence of the complete shrink of the Shank consider this: He's now bettah known as the butt of a Carl Everett joke, i.e., the CHB, than he is for anything else including his now uber passe tome The Curse of the Bambino. Res ipsa loquitur, you know.
Mike:
True, there's a whole generation coming up who only considers Shaugnhessy in light of RSN trivia: "Who is the CHB, what does it mean, and what is the origin of the phrase?"
Bill:
Abolutely. And it's cosmic justice that ol' Danny Boyo is going to fade into memory forevah linked with that othah malcontent intahlopah Everett.
Bill:
Of course, that doesn't mean the Curly Haired Boyfriend is going anywhere soon … No, he'll still be there at the Globe thrashing out his little columns and believing he still mattahs for years to come …
Bill:
But like neuticals on a fixed Irish Settah, Shaughnessy will just be taking up space, empty and powerless.
Special bonus strip (filling in the hole from Wednesday last) …
Steve:
So much for Clemens only giving the Yankees not enough at the predicted 6 innings, the reality is he can't even give them a full 5.
Mike:
Yeah, and how 'bout this: Damon is too hurt to play the outfield so the put him at DH. Great. Then he pulls an abominal and can't swing a bat without intense pain. So put him on the DL? Ah, no, because then they'd erase Damon's career footnote of nevah having been on the disabled list.
Steve:
You know, that pretty much sums up the Yankees biggest philosophical weakness: They continually sacrifice the day to day nuts and bolts of winning to the altah of historical grandeur.
Mike:
Yeah, that explains bringing Clemens back, bringing Petitte back, keeping Jetah at short instead of A-Rod and so on.
Steve:
Yes, it is their Achilles' heel, this slavish relationship with historicity.
Posted on 2007.06.22 | Permalink | Comments (39)
Now with 100% More Batshit!
Doug:
OK I so need to lay off the game time bongs hits 4 Jesus — last night I swear I saw Manny Ramirez transmogrify into Willy Mays and make nonchalant oh-so-cool waist high basket catches in left.
Mike:
Heh. Yeah, welcome to the new bizzaro Red Sox world where Batshit Tavarez pitches 7 shutout innings, allowing just 3 hits, 4 SOs, and a single walk.
Doug:
Did I mention how rathah fond I'm becoming of Batshit?
Mike:
Seriously. Even the nickname "Batshit" has gone from a term of derision to one of endearment.
Mike:
And how about Coco Crisp who now has homahs from both sides of the plate this series?
Doug:
I confess I went all DSS v Haleigh Poutre on wanting to rush to pull the plug on Crisp for the assumed permanent vegetative state he was in at the plate.
Mike:
Meanwhile, we are back to the double digit lead in the AL East. Sweet!
Doug:
And, oh, yeah, somewhere in flyovah country Sammy Sosa hit his 600th homerun. Ooh, the excitement of it all.
Mike:
Well, you know, those Rangahs fans were probably going to celebrate until they discovered someone had taken all the cork out of the champagne bottles for goodness knows what nefarious purpose. Oh, well …
Posted on 2007.06.21 | Permalink | Comments (34)
Today's strip has been postponed
Your omniscient author in absentia:
Sorry, technical difficulties (e.g., oversleeping) — No strip today.
Posted on 2007.06.20 | Permalink | Comments (39)
"You are Number Three."
Mike:
Jeez, the second Schilling "schillacking" in as many games.
Doug:
Yeah, who knew he shot his proverbial load in the one out away from a no hittah game in Oakland?
Mike:
Seriously, since then he's allowed twelve runs (11 earned) in 9 1/3 innings … But I'm not panicking or anything.
Doug:
Me neithah. I think it's helpful if we begin to (if you haven't already that is) ̾ begin to transition ourselves into thinking of Schilling as our numbah 3 or 4 guy and not our numbah 1 guy.
Mike:
Beckett, Matsuzaka, Wake, Schill, Batshit?
Mike:
That'll work for me.
Doug:
And don't forget Lestah the Molestah waiting for the call to head north on 95 from Pawtucket.
Posted on 2007.06.19 | Permalink | Comments (34)
Watching for lies
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, tall guy speaks:
So if yesterday I watched 6 hours of US Open coverage and, concurrently, watched 3 hours of the Red Sox and Giants, does that mean I watched 6+3=9 hours of TV or just 6 hours of TV or, because of the simultaneity of it all, did I somehow actually cheat time and only watched 6-3=3 hours of TV?
Two guys walking, short guy speaks:
Dude, have you ever like considered getting a girlfriend or something?
Two guys walking, tall guy speaks:
Yeah, it's on my list.
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, short guy speaks:
OK, so Barry Bonds, right? Here's my deal with him …
Two guys walking, short guy speaks:
For me it's not so much that he is an alleged asshole or that he's pumped with more hormones than a steer bound for Big Macs, no, man, for me it's that godforsaken dangly ass earring.
Two guys walking, no words exchanged:
Two guys walking, short guy speaks:
I mean, nothing against earrings in general, but Bonds has been wearing that same thing since, what, the 80s? Hey, Barry, it's not "Hammah Time" anymore. It's 2007.
Two guys walking, tall guy speaks:
Pack up the parachute pants and get in tune with the times, man.
Two guys walking, short guy speaks:
That's what I'm talking about, D.
Two guys walking, short guy speaks:
And here's the other thing. The dangliness of it just creates this awful visual discord, an aesthetic unbalance of the dainty dangle juxtaposed against Bond's hulking mass.
Two guys walking, tall guy speaks:
Hmmm …
Two guys walking, tall guy speaks:
Now that you mention it, funny how the earring hangs out there on the side like, I dunno, an asterisk or something.
Two guys walking, short guy speaks:
For reals. Maybe Bonds is subconsciously projecting an asterisk?
Two guys walking, tall guy speaks:
Say it isn't so.
Posted on 2007.06.18 | Permalink | Comments (29)
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