Cleaning out the Desk Drawer of the Mind

Doug:
So this dude Chris Sligh who got booted off Idol this week now says he "nevah came into this wanting to win it."

 

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Mike:
Maybe the Royals front office should offah him a job since they both have the same game plan?

 

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Doug:
Ouch. Hey, don't tell Shaughnessy "but research shows so-called computer geeks are becoming the new schoolyahd bullies."

 

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Mike:
Considering the virtual inverted-wedgies the CHB has been getting the past several years from the blogosphere, somehow I think he already knows this.

 

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Doug:
So this is it, the truck is packed up and on it's way back and we only have one final weekend sans baseball.

 

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Mike:
Can you imagine a summah without the Red Sox?

 

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Doug:
It'd be like an orchard without honeybees.

 

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Mike:
That shit is scary.

 

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Doug:
Absolutely. It's right out of a 60s sci-fi movies. Bees are are vanishing without a trace, no bodies left behind or anything, and the scientists are stuck scratching their heads.

 

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Mike:
Right and they just fail to consider the possibility of aliens taking all the bees up to their spaceship …

 

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Doug:
Hidden from our view by some sort of "advanced cloaking device" …

 

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Mike:
And using the bees in some nefarious plot to Wipe Out the Human Race!™

 

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Doug:
Or the othah classic sc-fi theme: The government's top secret mission to weaponize bees goes awry …

 

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Mike:
Yes, the bees became too intelligent and formed their own super-colonies and are now in some remote unknown location plotting to Wipe Out the Human Race!™

 

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Doug:
Creepy.

 

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Mike:
You got that right.

 

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Yeah, that'll work

Doug:
As Bradford put its, the Matsuzaka's elbow smashing into the table moment "almost entrenched itself in Red Sox lore."

 

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Bill:
Yeah, it would have been the suck if Matsuzaka had injured himself, but I like to think that aftah 2004 Red Sox Nation has put away their joo-joo beads, voodoo dolls, Santeria chickens and all the other talk of curses and mumbo jumbo and would see such a freak accident as just life rationally playing itself out.

 

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Bill:
I mean leave all that sophistic hocus pocus to the fans of the othah teams.

 

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Doug:
Speaking of you see this Project A13 site?

 

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Bill:
Unbelievable. I nevah imagined a day when Yankees fans would go all New Agey on us.

 

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Doug:
Seriously, what's next, are they going to start selling crystals and dream catchas at the concession stands in The Stadium?

 

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Bill:
"Oh fecund, hairy-legged goddess, please let A-Rod get a hit — Clap. Clap. ClapClapClap."

 

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That opener in KC can't come soon enough

Mike:
This is the paht of Spring Training I can't stand.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, the final days before the games count for reals is a total drag.

 

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Mike:
The only news is who is getting sent down for additional seasoning, like Hansen going to Triple-A Pawtucket.

 

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Doug:
Christ, I wish America would send Sanjaya back to Single-A Greenville. The dude is a wreck.

 

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Mike:
Actually, I think Sanjaya should be the next American Idol …

 

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Doug:
WTF?

 

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Mike:
Look. He can't sing, he's kinda weird, but it's what the country needs right now.

 

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Mike:
Is America ready to embrace a black president?

 

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Doug:
Yes, yes it is!

 

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Mike:
Is America ready to embrace a woman president?

 

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Doug:
Si, si se puede!

 

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Mike:
Is America ready to embrace an Indian-American transsexual teenagah who can't sing for shit as its pop icon?

 

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Doug:
You bet your sweet asses it is!

 

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Mike:
Our nation needs to heal.

 

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Honesty is such a lonely word

Susan/Circle:
OK, I've tried to deny it for a couple days, but I can no longah beah the weight of this terrible secret: After watching Peyton Manning on SNL I found myself kind of liking the guy.

 

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Mike:
Oh fercrissakes, even the perpetual Peyton hatah Beth has gone soft.

 

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Mike:
What's next? Should I head on ovah to the Yawkey Way Stoah and get you bitches a couple of pink caps?

 

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Susan/Circle:
So this is what we get for being honest?

 

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Mike:
I guess Wily Mo Shakes P was right, "Frailty thy name is woman."

 

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Susan/Circle:
Dude, don't make me put on my Slyvia Plath shoes and come ovah there and stomp your ass. If I've killed one man, I've killed two …

 

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Susan/Circle:
And I know what basement you live in.

 

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Mike:
Heh. So what about Matsuzaka walking five, which is three more than his entire total for the spring?

 

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Susan/Circle:
When the question is sand in a bowl of boiled rice, the answer is a no hits and 6 strikeouts.

 

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The blogs are in ur base, killing ur profits.

Doug:
Memo to sports stahs, entertainahs, and all othah celebs: When you go on record saying you "don't care what people think" about you, you're pretty much saying that no only do you care but that it gets to you.

 

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Mike:
The ballplayah doth protests too much, methinks?

 

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Doug:
Seriously, because if you really didn't care you wouldn't even think to bring it up.

 

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Mike:
It's kinda like how when newspapah guys try to dismiss the web phenomena as being a bunch of late-night blog boys who live in Ma's basement as a way of pretending it's still 1997 and newspapers ruled the earth.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, meanwhile, as Schilling is getting a bazillion hits from "sheep-like fans," The Globe continues to slash jobs and staggahs around wondering what the frig is happening.

 

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Mike:
And the conclusion from at least one of the Globe's dudes is, of course, that the readahs are stupid sycophants who should be made fun of at every opportunity.

 

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Doug:
Of course, because, you know, it couldn't be that the dynamics of baseball reporting are changing radically and what fans want, or rathah demand, is thoughtful analysis, not clubhouse gossip, cliches, and innuendo.

 

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Mike:
And since we blog boys are, in addition to Ma's basement dwellahs, all Star Trek fans …

 

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Doug:
Proudly so, I might add.

 

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Mike:
Absolutely. So here's some advice from Mr. Spock for all the hatahs in the MSM: Change is the essential process of all existence.

 

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2 slp prchnce 2 drm

Mike:
So it wasn't so much Red Sox fans losing sleep over the closah situation as it was Jonathan Papelbon himself.

 

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Susan:
I love the image of the restless Paps, tossing and turning in the sheets like a lattah day Hamlet, Prince of the Fens.

 

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Susan:
"To close or not to close: that is the question."

 

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Mike:
Whether 'tis nobler to go every 5th day
Of fortuitous routine and 200 innings,
Or to seize the ball in a 9th of troubles,
And once, twice, thrice end them?

 

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Susan:
Of course, now Batshit Tavarez is in the rotation.

 

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Mike:
Ah, there's the rub.

 

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Susan:
Oh, show me the steep and thorny way to heaven.

 

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Mike:
There's a divinity that shapes our ends, Rough-hew them how we will.

 

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Going where the sun keeps shining

Marty:
Jeez, Callaghan, you sound really tired today … Oh, but that's right — The closer situation has left Red Sox fans tossing and turning at night. Heh heh.

 

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Bill:
I'm sleeping like a baby, Mahty, but thanks for the concern and all.

 

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Marty:
Doesn't it astound you Bill that Theo Epstein can go after JD Drew like he's Angelie Jolie going after a 3rd World orphan … so much passion, so much showering of gifts on Drew while being so blasé about finding a closer?

 

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Bill:
Well, obviously we need to fill the closer role, but I don't think that's a weakness.

 

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Marty:
Not a weakness? Not a weakness? What are they putting in the water up there in Bahstin anyway?

 

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Bill:
Despite the absence, for now, of a definitive closer, this bullpen is not that bad. It is probably the best bullpen the Red Sox have had since 2004.

 

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Marty:
Considering your '05 and '06 clubs, that's like saying the Heaven's Gate death cult wasn't as bad as the Jim Jones death cult because fewer people died but, you know, in the end everyone is still dead.

 

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Bill:
The 2006 club had a lot of life.

 

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Marty:
Bill, I hate to break it to you, but the games played in August and September actually count. Heh.

 

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Bill:
Injuries, Mahts, injuries. It's like Schilling writes on his blog, we are much better suited depth wise to handle an injury this year than last.

 

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Bill:
And the AL East team whose stahting rotation spends the fewest days on the DL ovah the course of the season will win the division.

 

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Bill:
If you've been paying attention, Mahty, you might have noticed the Boston stahtahs are looking mighty fine this spring.

 

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Marty:
Ah, yes, hope springs eternal in the Sawx fan breast.

 

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Bill:
Why not? Did you see Matsuzaka, the game's best numbah 3 stahtah, against the Pirates? 96 mph fastballs to go with the big curve, tight slidah, and Wiffleball change.

 

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Bill:
Like I said, Mahty, I'm sleeping fine at night.

 

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Marty:
Enjoy it while you can, Bill, as it's going to get really hot and muggy come August. We'll see how rested you feel then.

 

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Bill:
Can't hahdly wait, Mahty. Can't hahdly wait.

 

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Update: [Computer voice] "You've reached the office of Martin Silverstein, at the tone please leave a brief message…"

Bill:
Hey, Mahty, have you heard the news? We've got a mofo closah. His name is Jonathan Papelbon. Perhaps you've heard of him? Now whose ass is sweatin'? Heh heh.

 

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Love the Jenn-Air

Bill:
"Hi, I'm Manny Ramirez. I bought this AMAZING grill for about $4,000 and I used it once … But I never have the time to use it because I am always on the road. I would love to sell it and you will get an autographed ball signed by me =]"

 

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Doug:
Gotta love that pic of Manny in his bare feet.

 

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Bill:
I don't know why, but the image of Manny Ramirez as mastah of the grill and flipping burgers in the backyahd really tickles me.

 

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Doug:
But I see Manny as more of the charcoal and lightah fluid kind of guy, you know, creating a Vesuvius in the thing and scaring the piss out of all his neighbahs.

 

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Bill:
Heh. And his wife yelling, "Manny Ramirez if you burn this house down, so help me, you'll be Manny Being Ass-whooped Manny!…"

 

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Doug:
Meanwhile, Manny says he doesn't talk to the media because "I don’t like to give opinions."

 

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Bill:
Can't say I blame him. Our culture is awash in opinions already.

 

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Doug:
Totally. But I can't help but want to bust Manny's balls now, but having people just asking his opinion on everything, especially totally random, out of the blue kinds of things.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, imagine Shaughnessy yelling across the Red Sox lockah room: "Hey, Man-Man … you think these pants make my butt look big?"

 

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The extralinguistic denotatum is arbitrary

Mike:
You fill out your NOTY bracket yet?

 

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Susan/Circle:
Are you kidding me? This tourney is Vanilla Dong's to lose.

 

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Mike:
I dunno, I think Gertrude Nipple could surprise a lot of people.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Yeah, and in that same regional, I think Lady Comfort seeded numbah 15 could be the first upset over Ayo Yayo, but seriously, in the end, nobody gets past Vanilla Dong.

 

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Mike:
Does seem a lock. I mean that name just works on so many levels.

 

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Susan/Circle:
I'm going to make a bannah that reads "Vanilla Dong Hits 4 Jesus!"

 

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Mike:
Anyway, once your NOTY bracket is in, you need to head over to the Community Forecast site for the Red Sox … You know, the whole "Wisdom of the Crowd" thing.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Wait a second, I thought the Wisdom of the Crowds deal was heavily dependent on diversity of opinion and can fail entirely if the crowd is too homogenous?

 

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Susan/Circle:
Wouldn't that pretty much preclude Red Sox Nation as a so-called "wise" crowd?

 

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Mike:
You may be right. The initial community input on the stahting rotation certainly suggest a rosy scenario herding instinct.

 

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Susan/Circle:
That, of course, isn't going to stop me from going with my Bayesian feeling an putting a 3.04 ERA next to Josh Beckett's name.

 

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Mike:
Heh. Which will be offset completely by someone like our favorite pessimist "Paddy" predicting a 7.50 ERA for Beckett.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Ah, right, Paddy. L'enfer, c'est les autres.

 

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Mike:
I know, talk about your Princess Nocandy. But, seriously, maybe with the half-fulls and the half-empties combined the aggregate wisdom of Red Sox Nation will be a good predictah in the end?

 

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Fit to print

In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
So have you heard the latest? Manny is teh suck.

 

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In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Costs the Sox 30 runs a season with his poor defense.

 

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In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
What are you looking at me like that for? You don't believe it?

 

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In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
C'mon, it's in the New York Times fercrissakes, so it must be true.

 

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In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Har-har … cocksuckahs.

 

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