Just a flesh wound

Update: I'm day-to-day and won't need to be placed on the DL. I hope to regain normal typing ability by tomorrow. Meanwhile, Lisa endures …

Lisa the Temp:
You know what's ironic, peeps? Everybody and their uncle likes to laugh at my 4-button keyboard. Har-har-hardy-har. So funny.

 

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Lisa the Temp:
But right now Brachen would love to get his bloody stump on this 4-button bitch.

 

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Lisa the Temp:
I mean, seriously, not only can I work this without fingers, but hell yeah, I can do it without any limbs at all.

 

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Lisa the Temp:
And they could make a move about it and call it "My Left Teat"

 

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Lisa the Temp:
Hello, people, Lisa the Temp here with the deal …

 

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Lisa the Temp:
It seems your buddy Brachen was involved in some sort of David Wellsesque freak accident, the result of which is a temporarily bandaged hand making typing quite cumbersome.

 

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Lisa the Temp:
Yeah, go figure. I'd have bet Brachen would be quite the pro at "one-handed typing."

 

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Lisa the Temp:
I mean I know many of you are.

 

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Lisa the Temp:
You know what I'm talking about. Yeah, I'm looking right at you "LC."

 

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Frigid temps but the stove is still hot and there's grapefruit on the horizon

Bill:
Oh, Mother of Jesus, Todd Helton? C'mon Theo WTF?

 

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Mike:
I dunno, guy, I confess I get a little giddy imagining the lineup.

 

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Bill:
But this Helton's a guy with a huge contract, who's 32 and whose OPS has declined fastah than a Kevin Fedahline album in the last two years.

 

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Mike:
Here's anothah way to look at it … How would you feel if the Yankees had acquired Helton rathah than Minky?

 

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Bill:
See that's just friggin' it. This thing reeks of a Yankees-style deal. I thought the party line was we were gonna be smahtah than the Yankees and not we are gonna become the motherfucking Yankees.

 

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Mike:
If Helton gets back some of his old form or even plateaus, this deal has a lot of upside.

 

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Bill:
You wanna give away pitching prospects like Hansen for a whose WARP charts a negative slope?

 

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Mike:
Look, the dude's been all out of whack because of intestinal problems.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, well I'm envisioning being doubled ovah with my own stomach cramps come August when we have no young, fresh ahms to call on because we traded 'em all away.

 

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Mike:
Relax, guy, Theo's "unmotivated to tinkah with the rostah" and is talking more like Tavarez and Lowell in a trade.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, well, I'm still not convinced, but, you know what? I'm happy as hell to have something to occupy my mind and divert me from the 24/7 Peyton Manning media spoogefest.

 

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Mike:
Pitchahs and catchahs and 16 days!

 

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Anticipating a new era

Marty:
Hey there, Billy Boy, just wanted to be the first to congratulate you for entering the JD Drew Era …

 

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Marty:
Or rather the Nancy Drew Era. Bwahhaaha. I guess this makes Theo the Ned Nickerson of the oh so cute couple.

 

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Bill:
Jeez, Marty, as local chairman of the Hilary Clinton fan club and election office, I figured you'd have more important mattahs to attend to just now.

 

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Marty:
Just like you to try and change the subject, Callaghan, when I'm starting to sweat your ass over another round of Red Sox impotence.

 

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Bill:
C'mon, Marty, you know Obama has Hillary on the run.

 

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Marty:
Typical of a Red Sox fan to ignore the facts. Senator Clinton leads Senator Obama in every poll.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, but, Marts, the momentum has shifted. It's like Game 4 of the 2004 ALCS and Obama is the Red Sox.

 

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Marty:
Still clinging to the past, eh, Bill? Sad.

 

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Bill:
OK. Let me get this straight, Marty. You're the guy who's so Clinton blinded that you're available 24/7 for a little yodeling in Hillary's valley while you let Bill "order out for pizza" with your wife, but I'm the one who's living in the past?

 

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Bill:
It's time you step out of your insulah New York enclave for a moment, Marts, and realize the Clinton's are yestahday's news in politics. People want to move on, fresh faces, fresh ideas.

 

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Marty:
Obama's got baggage.

 

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Bill:
Wishful thinking, buddy. Get ready for Total Obamination in 2008. I smell a 50-state sweep.

 

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Dear Spaces

Susan/Circle:
You know, as a woman, of course I'm proud of Nancy Blinky Pelosi's achievement in becoming Madame Speaker …

 

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Susan/Circle:
But, you know, considering the so-called "marble ceiling" of male politicians consists primarily of lying and preening and raising ginormous sums of campaign money to insure one can continue a life of lying and preening ad infinitum, I'm unsure just how much of a forward step for women Pelosi's position really is.

 

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Susan/Circle:
When it comes to being an examplah of a woman's achievement in busting through ceilings, both figuratively and literally, I say look no furthah than Janet Marie Smith.

 

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Mike:
Seriously, what she's done with Fenway, including these most recent offseason improvements is totally effin' astonishing.

 

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Susan/Circle:
She is to Fenway what Brunelleschi was to Florence.

 

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Mike:
Because of her Fenway lives.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Have you ever noticed how the sky when seen over the Fenway rampahts is the brightest thing in Nature?

 

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Mike:
And the bluest.

 

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Susan/Circle:
The sky over Fenway is the absolute separation between the timeless man-made and the Eternal.

 

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Mike:
The distant past is brought into sharp adjacency with the present.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Do you realize that when the Yankees abandon The House the Ruth Built that Fenway alone will stand as the physical, primal connection between Baseball past, Baseball present, and Baseball future?

 

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Mike:
It is like the fulfillment of an ancient prophecy.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Somewhere are places where we have really been …

 

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Mike:
Dear spaces …

 

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Susan/Circle:
Of our deeds and faces, scenes we remembah

 

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Susan/Circle:
As unchanging because they were changed.

 

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Clemens Goes Glam

Bill:
OK the news that Clemens was seen wearing his Yankees World Series ring doesn't surprise me at all.

 

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Bill:
But the news that he was wearing said ring at the Sundance Film Festival makes me go "Huh?"

 

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Bill:
I mean what in the fuck is Roger Clemens doing at Sundance?

 

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Bill:
Somehow I just can't picture Clemens kicking back in a cinema and watching a screening of Teeth while contemplating vagina dentata mythology.

 

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Mike:
Dude, that's only half of it. He was seen with the ring before entering the MySpace.com pahty at Sundance.

 

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Bill:
!

 

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Mike:
Yeah, I know, boggles the mind, right?

 

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Bill:
I so can't wait until Clemens is done chillin with his MySpace friends and rejoins the Yankee again so he can get the oh so pleasant remindah of the difference between the American and National Leagues.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, talk about a castration mythology come to life. After facing Ortiz a couple of times, Clemens will find the so-called yawning mouth of hell* a preferable alternative.

[*NSFW!]

 

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Just rewards

When it's the nadir of the offseason and there is no baseball news yet readers still expect a strip, well …

Bill:
So the next time the Patriots trade a first round pick for 2 or 3 picks in a latah round, at least we'll know why.

 

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Doug:
Hey, what can you say, dude likes to pick.

 

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Bill:
In the stadium of everybody no less.

 

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Doug:
The funny thing is though, in a culture where a celebrity flashing her v-goods is no big deal and where people will go to a museum to see shit smeared on a canvas et cetera et cetera it's somehow a beyond the pale taboo to pick one's nose in public?

 

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Bill:
I guess even in a society as debased as ours, there are still limits.

 

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Doug:
But you know, from a technological standpoint, there really isn't a viable alternative for the boogahs that remain impervious to the tissue blow other than the humble phalange and metacarpal nasal insertion.

 

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Bill:
Truah words have nevah been spoken.

 

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Doug:
It's high time we stop "blaming the victim," you know?

 

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Bill:
Powah to the pickahs!

 

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Welcome to the past perfect progressive

Mike:
Holy shit blowing a 21-3 lead in a game for all the marbles? I so can't believe this is happening to us.

 

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Susan/Circle:
I'm totally dumbstruck. They went into the lockah room at half-time as the New England Patriots and they came out for the 2nd half as the 2004 Yankees.

 

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Mike:
They chocked on jello for frigs sake.

 

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Susan/Circle:
The beauty that was the Tom Brady era is no more.

 

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Susan/Circle:
The beautiful things nevah last.

 

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Mike:
The beautiful are found at the edge of a room crumpled into spidahs and needles and silence and we can never understand why they left.

 

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Susan/Circle:
The beautiful die young and leave the ugly to their ugly lives.

 

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Mike:
This has hit me right square in the sacral chakra. My gonads ache fercrissakes.

 

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Susan/Circle:
Are you kidding me? I feel like I've been on the wrong end of a female circumcision. And I'll never know pleasure again.

 

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Mike:
Now that the Patriots have begun their slide into the past perfect progressive to join the Celtics and Bruins as has beens, it's up to the Red Sox to save us.

 

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Susan/Circle:
God help us all.

 

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In the stadium of everybody

Doug:
So the interwebs is all up in ahms ovah this guy's YouTube video saying that's why they hate New England fans but I just dont' get it. The dude's only speaking the truth.

 

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Mike:
Yeah, mofo's can't handle the truth, so they want to shoot the drunken messengah and shit.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, but befoah they hatahs can shoot this dude, while they're sweatin' his ass, he's gonna wipe it all ovah their noses and see how that smells for ya, buddy.

 

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Mike:
Fantastic line. It's crude yet the visual detail it summons is nothing less than cinematic.

 

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Doug:
"In the stadium of everybody."

 

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Mike:
"Go fuck yourselves."

 

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Doug:
So who you pickin' in that Saints Beahs game?

 

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Mike:
Saints all the way.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, the Beahs are handicapped by Grossman and the Saints seem to have that destiny thing going.

 

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Mike:
Totally. And now the pressure is off the Saints to "heal the city of New Orleans" and all.

 

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Doug:
How's that?

 

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Mike:
Well, with Brad Pitt and Angelie Jolie annointing New Orleans as their chosen land, they'll make the crooked places straight and the rough places plane, sure as shit.

 

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Doug:
Yeah, I heard Mayor Ray Nagin is already in line to petition the Great Brangelina for a brain.

 

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Another day of infantile self-absorbtion.

Steve:
Check it out. This dude used both PECOTA and Bill James projections for 2007 for the Red Sox and came up with 964 runs scored and 710 for a 105-57 record!

 

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Mike:
Ah, projections. [Sigh] Kind of like how the Administration projects that a 21,000 troop "surge" will secure Bagdad and, finally, all will be hunky-dorey in Iraq?

 

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Mike:
Projections aren't worth the papah their written on.

 

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Steve:
What the frig's up with you, sour puss? Have you been hanging around with that guy Paddy24 or something?

 

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Mike:
Nah, I'm just in a wicked lousy mood.

 

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Steve:
Well, cheer yourself the fuck up. And if you've got any latent anger and frustration, just direct toward it Peyton Manning in anticipation of Sunday's AFC Championship game.

 

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Mike:
C'mon, didn't you hear the news? "The NFL reeks with the stench of corporate tyranny, patriarchy, racism, superficiality, greed, competitiveness, and materialism."

 

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Steve:
I bet that guy is a Chargers fan. Heh.

 

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Mike:
No kidding. But, hey, don't mention that Daily Kos anti-football screed to Doug. He already thinks the Left is made up of nad-less sycophants and America hatahs. No need to give him more ammo.

 

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Why do they hate us?

Bill:
You know, the company should totally look into signing Lisa the Temp a long term contract.

 

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Doug:
That chick who nevah takes her jacket off? Get out.

 

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Bill:
Listen she's like the Trot Nixon of temps, you know, not afraid to get her hands dirty with some hahd work.

 

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Bill:
For instance, yestahday I left her a ream of documents to file and today there's not a trace, everything in its propah place.

 

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Doug:
Think she'll take a hometown discount? Heh.

 

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Doug:
So this line from Kissing Suzy Kolber had me rolling: If Peyton wins even a conference title the slurping sounds emanating from Bristol will be deafening.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, but who knew fans across the country are in a quandary over who they hate more: The slant-eyed Hillbilly Womanning or us kindly folks from New England?

 

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Doug:
I love being hated.

 

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Bill:
Absolutely. Hate has total pwnage ovah the othah emotions. I mean love comes and goes, but, hate, well hate fucking lasts.

 

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Doug:
And, seriously, if I lived in some hell hole backwatah, I'd hate us too.

 

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Bill:
Yeah, as I've said befoah, Our doctahss kick ass. Our universities kick ass. Our football team kicks ass. Our fried clams kick ass. Our gay Members of Congress kick ass. So on and so forth.

 

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Doug:
Listen up neerdowells: Our New England resplendence is real, is nevah silent and has no bitch.

 

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